The Convention
Written By: Gene Stupintsky & Lee Eisenberg Directed By: Ken Whittingham Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Pam? Pam: Yeah? Michael: Did you see Oprah yesterday? Pam: No, I didn’t. Michael: I, uh… I am going to be a father. Pam: What was Oprah about? Michael: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost. Pam: That’s a really big decision. Michael: I know. Pam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt. Michael: Well… Pam: Or not adopt. Michael: Just do it, okay? Pam: Roy’s sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars. Michael: Um… find out if there’s a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay? Pam: You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months. Michael: Eight months? Pam: Yeah. Michael: I don’t even know if I’ll want a baby in eight months. Pam: You probably won’t. Michael: You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven’t had a baby, and you haven’t had a baby… Pam: No, Michael. Michael: Twenty years. Pam: No, Michael. Michael: Thirty. Pam: Sure. Michael: It’s a deal. Ryan: All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms. Michael: Yesh. Ryan: Uh, fun jeans. Michael: Right there. Ah. Angela: Sign. Michael: Per diem. Michael: Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He’s been stuck working under Josh, the poor man’s Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo. Dwight: Don’t be mad, it is a business trip. Angela: But I don’t understand. It’s for managers. Dwight: Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager. Angela: I know! It… I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. [A long silence.] Are you still there? Dwight: Yes, Monkey. Angela: Don’t “Monkey” me! You can’t wait to get out of here, A. R. M. Angela: In the Martin family, we like to say, “Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly.” That’s code for “check out the slut.” What is… why are there flies in here? Kelly: Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing? Pam: This. Kelly: You look so pretty. Pam: Thank you. Pam: Yes, I have a date. He’s a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I’m kind of nervous. I haven’t been on a first date in nine years… probably shouldn’t broadcast that. Kelly: Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power. Michael: Sleep with who? Whom, whom… whom? Kelly: My neighbor Alan. They’re going on a date tonight. Michael: Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker. Dwight: And your veil. Michael: Yeah, do it! Pam: I’ll probably just wear this. Michael: Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim? Pam: Um… Michael: Um. Okay, um. Dwight: Um. Michael: You got that? Dwight: I got it. Michael: Write it down. Dwight: I got it. Dwight: Um. Michael: Um. Dwight and Michael: [singing] Um, um, um… Creed: There’s my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? Angela: That was for per diem, for Philadelphia. Meredith: That town smells like cheese steaks. Angela: That town is full of history! Creed: Andrea’s the office bitch. You’ll get used to her. [introducing himself] Creed. Dwight: Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back? Josh: Hey, Michael. Michael: Hey, Josh, how ya doing? Josh: Pretty good. Michael: Good to see you. There he is! There’s the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product… the progidal… my son returns. Michael: I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It’s like the firemen. You don’t leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut. Jim: It’s really good to see you, man. Michael: Yeah! Wow, I didn’t expect that. It’s good to see you too! Dwight: Oh, hey, how’s it going up there? Have you made any sales yet? Jim: Yeah, sold about forty thousand. Michael: Hey! Dwight: Shut up. That’s impossible. Jim: No, it’s not. I did. Yep. Dwight: Well, I did it too. Jim: You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key. Kevin: So did you hear? Toby: What? Kevin: Pam’s back on the market again. Toby: Really? She’s dating? Kevin: If I weren’t engaged, I would so hit that. Dwight: So what kind of commissions you get up there? Jim: Oh, Dwight. I’ve missed you so much. Dwight: You’re so immature! Josh: Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman. Michael: Ah. Josh: And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I’m going to look for a place for you at Stamford. Jan: Oh, hey! Dwight: Hey, Jan. Jan: We all checked in? Josh: Yes. Jan: Great, let’s dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour. Josh: Okay. Jan: Okay! Michael: Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules. Jan: What are you talking about? Michael: The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I’m still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention. Jan: Step away from me, Michael. Michael: Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you. Kelly: Alan’s cartoon is so funny, right? Pam: Mm-hmm. Kelly: And they’re, like, so smart. I don’t even know what they mean half the time. Dwight: This party is going to be awesome. Michael: I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic. Dwight: Check it out. Michael: That is crooked on that side. Dwight: Wow. Michael: Hey hey! Jim: That is a lot of liquor. Michael: Yeah. Jim: And a dart board. Michael: Well, that’s how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain’t no party like a Scranton party, ’cause a Scranton party don’t stop. Josh: We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan. Michael: Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen? Josh: A shot of MIDORI, perhaps. Jim: Oh, no, sorry, it’s an inside joke. There’s this bartender at Stamford who, uh… you know what? You’d just have to be there. Michael: Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday. Josh: Um, we should… Jim: Yeah. Michael: All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up. Dwight: I’ll do a shot, Michael. Michael: Ugh, that would be gross. It’s not even lunch yet. Michael: SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG. Michael: Check it out. Hi, I’m Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin. Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin. Jerome Bettis: All right. Dwight: I’m a huge fan. Jerome Bettis: Thanks. I appreciate it, guys. Michael: You know what? I’m having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come. Jerome Bettis: All right, maybe. If I can. Michael: Well, cool! Okay, so… can I tell people you’re gonna be there? Jerome Bettis: No, you cannot. Michael: So maybe. See ya. Dwight: Why do they call him The Bus? Michael: Because he’s afraid to fly. Dwight: Smile! Michael: Do you remember me from last year? There’s a party in my room, 308, can’t miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there! Josh: All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front. Michael: Yep. Yeah, she’s up front. Dwight: You don’t have email on your phone. Michael: I don’t have to, I just know. Yes, hello? Dwight: No one just called you. Josh: All right. Jim: All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care. Ted: I’ll see you soon. Josh: Yeah, stop by later. Michael: [into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please? Michael: I need you to do something for me. Dwight: Yes. Anything. Michael: I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic. Dwight: I’ll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat. Toby: Hey, Pam. Pam: Hey! What’s up? Toby: It’s, uh… I was… might ask if you wanted… Pam: [answering phone] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He’s not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. [hangs up] Sorry. What’s up? Toby: Um, if, uh… um… I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It’s so weird. Pam: Okay. Well, if you think of it, I’ll be here. Toby: Okay. Dwight: So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there’s any known aliases, et cetera. Michael: And? Dwight: He wasn’t volunteering today. Michael: Business has been pretty crazy around the office. Jim: Oh yeah? Michael: Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk. Jim: Oh, tell him I say hi. Michael: I will call him later with that message. Jim: Hey, how is… Toby? Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left? Jim: Oh, no, it was… you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to… Michael: Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically. Jim: Michael, it’s really not a competition. Josh: Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow. Jan: Great! Michael: Hey, Jan, Jan? Don’t worry, I have got the tip. Dwight: Whoa. Michael. Waiter: Wow, oh my God, thank you. Michael: You’re welcome. Dwight: Was that your per diem? Michael: No, that was a different hundred dollar bill. Jan: What have you generated, Michael? Michael: I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening. Jan: What party? Michael: The party I’m having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited. Jan: Michael, um… Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can’t stay on top of you 24/7. Phyllis: You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you’re worth it. Stanley: If you do that, you’re going to have to put out. Phyllis: Oh, yeah. You’ll have to put out. Angela: Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you. Michael: Any messages for 308? All right. Michael: Hey hey, fellers. Jim: Michael. Dwight: Hey, Michael. Michael: What’s up? Josh: Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now. Michael: Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton. Josh: I don’t think so. Michael: Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend. Josh: Fine! All right. Michael: Okay! Excellent. Oh… Dwight: Keep the wing flaps. Michael: Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what’s up? Yep, yech… no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam! Jim, Josh, and Dwight: Hi, Pam. Michael: Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye. Michael: You first. Dwight: Come on. Nice try, Josh! Michael: Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and… okay. Double or nothing. Josh: Or what? We didn’t bet anything, Michael. Michael: Well, let’s… Josh: Yeah, we should go. Michael: Come on! Josh: We gotta go. Michael: Come on! Josh: Uh… we’ll do it later. Evan: Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line? Michael: Fine. Michael: Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it’s talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it’s moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I’m done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work. Evan: That is so true. Ready? Michael: Okay, let me tell you what we’re looking for. Evan: Great. Michael: Sorry, my meeting ran late. Jan: Really? Michael: Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill. Josh: They’re exclusive with Staples. Michael: Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products. Dwight: Yes! Ha! Jan: Well, Michael, I underestimated you. Michael: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me. Jim: Dwight’s room key. And… Dwight’s room. What can I say? Old habits die hard. Angela: D? Jim: Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call… well, I gotta call somebody, I don’t even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker! Kelly: So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day. Alan: Oh, great. Ryan: I don’t want ketchup. Kelly: You love ketchup! He loves ketchup. Pam: So how do you come up with your cartoons? Alan: Well, I just, uh… I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them. Pam: You dream in cartoons? How fun! Michael: Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend. Guy: I thought there was a party in here. Michael: This is the party. Guy: This is room 308? Michael: Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right. Alan: See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels. Pam: Huh. Alan: [French accent] Freedom fries for the table. Pam: Freedom fries. Yeah. Alan: Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, “Don’t be edgy.” But I don’t know any other way. Yeah, you get it. Pam: Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan. Alan: Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I’ll let you pick my brain. Pam: More freedom fries. Alan: Yeah. Pam: That’s great. Alan: Okay. Pam: I went on a date. It wasn’t a love connection, um… I think when I like someone again, I’ll just kinda know. Jim: Michael. Am I the first to arrive? Michael: People have been filtering in and out. Jim: Can I get a drink? Michael: What? Jim: Can I get a drink? Michael: Sure. You like Cosmos? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy? Jim: Michael… Michael: I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales… I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that’s just… Jim: Wait, wait. I didn’t transfer because of you. You’re a good boss. You’re a great boss. Michael: I’m not better than Josh. Jim: Michael, it’s not about… I transferred because of Pam. Michael: Oh my God. You don’t even know. She’s single now. Jim: No, I just… I heard something about that. It’s just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice. Michael: I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. Jim: Nope, that’s okay. Michael: Yeah. Jim: That’s all right. Michael: I will. I’ll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you’re feeling. Jim: Yeah. Okay, maybe. Evan: Are we early? Michael: Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out. Jim: Hey. Michael: Evan, this is Jim. Jim: How are you? Evan: Hey, uh… Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim. Michael: Hey, Ernie, how ya doing? Evan: Do you guys work together? Jim: No, we used to. Now we’re friends. Michael: Best friends. Michael: Some people need dozens of friends to say, “Hey, look at me, I’m popular.” But not me. I’m very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you’ll just know. Because a real relationship, it… it can’t be forced. It should just come about effortlessly. Michael: Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael’s black light on] Ha, ha, ha. Dwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Michael: Whoa. What are those stains? Dwight: Blood, urine, or semen. Michael: Oh, God, I hope it’s urine.