Diwali
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Miguel Arteta Transcribed By: Admin Kelly: There you go. Michael: Nice dress, Ryan. Kelly: It’s not a dress. It’s a kurta. Michael: [laughing] Okay. Michael: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it’s ada blah blah blah, it’s so super fun and it’s going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween. Kelly: You look so handsome. Pam: Really you do. I love the material. Kelly: I know. Michael: How come you didn’t get me one? Kelly: I… Phyllis: Okay, so, between Meredith’s Mini-van and if I borrow Bob’s Yukon that should fit about twelve people. Pam: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired. Meredith: Do you want to make Appletini’s and watch ‘Sex and the City’ at my place? Pam: Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet. Kelly: I don’t get why you won’t go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends. Pam: I just feel kind of tired, you know. Dwight: Maybe you’ve got mono. Pam: Maybe. I just …I don’t really have anyone to go with. Kelly: Well, go with Dwight. He’s single, too. Right? Dwight: Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available. Kevin: Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight? Roy: I don’t know. Who’s… uh, who’s going? Kevin: Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going? Angela: Don’t go. They eat monkey brains. Michael: Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do… sign me up… because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. Michael: It’s important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. Stanley: I don’t celebrate Kwanzaa. Michael: Wha? Really? You should! It’s fun. Michael: I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di… don’t really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don’t want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol. Michael: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I’m a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on. Kelly: Um… Diwali is awesome… and there’s food… and there’s going to be dancing… and… Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um… Michael: Kelly? Kelly: Sparkles… Michael: Um… why don’t you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday. Kelly: Oh, um… I don’t know. It’s really old, I think. Angela: How many gods do you have? Kelly: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that. Angela: [points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What’s her story? Kevin: She looks like Pam from the neck down. Dwight: Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I’ll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil… Michael: All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn’t ‘Lord of the Rings’. Jim: Sorry. Jim: I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape… helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work. Karen: Nice basket. Jim: Thank you. Michael: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that’s true, but it’s also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. ‘The Village’, ‘Unbreakable’, ‘Sixth Sense’, ‘Sig… ‘ Dwight: I see dead people. Michael: Okay. Spoiler… alert. Dwight: He was dead the whole time. Michael: Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What’s the… oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from? Tony: Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms. Karen: Oh. Did you shake it? Tony: Yeah, I shook it, I shook it. Andy: We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I. Jim: ‘Scuse me? Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It’s very Sam and Diane. Jim: Wow. Andy: From ‘Cheers’. Jim: Yup. Michael: And another thing about the Indian people… they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who’s seen that before? Creed: I have. That’s the ‘Union of the Monkey’. Meredith: Oh, that’s what they call it. Kevin: This is the best meeting we’ve ever had. Michael: Thank you, Kevin. Angela: I find this incredibly offensive. Michael: Well, I find it beautiful. Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn’t all be subjected to it. Michael: No… Toby: Actually, she’s right. This isn’t appropriate. Why don’t I take these. Michael: No, You’re not going to collect them. Toby: Yes. Michael: No. This is delightful, charming culture. Michael: My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It’s just sex. People… everybody does it. I’m doing it… with Carol! Probably tonight. Josh: All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here’s the corporate card for dinner. Karen: Thanks. Josh: And Karen? Let’s keep it to twenty dollars a person this time. Karen: Got it. Jim: Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation… which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds. Andy: You guys ready to party? Jim: What’s that? Andy: I said are you ready TO PARTY! Phyllis: Isn’t this fun? Not wearing shoes? Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on. Kevin: Stop it. It’s a disease! I’ve told you. Carol: [wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party! Michael: [points at woman] What does that look like to you? Carol: An Indian woman in a sari. Michael: No one’s even going to notice. Kevin: Nice outfit. Michael: Hey, Kevin. It’s a costume. Why don’t you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol. Michael: I’ll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions… Angela: I’m a vegetarian. What can I eat? Server: It’s all vegetarian. Angela: I’ll just have some bread. You used your hands. Michael: Oh, yuck. [spits out food] Carol: What? Too spicy? Michael: No. These s’mores are disgusting. Carol: They’re not s’mores. They’re samosas. Michael: Do you think they have any s’mores? Michael: All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been? Ryan: So, you’re Kelly’s sisters, huh? Girls: [laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi] Ryan: What? Kelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys. Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff. Kelly: Don’t even listen to them. They’re so… Ryan: No, you don’t… Pam: Very official. Pam: I decided to come. Uh… I feel a little under-dressed… but at least I’m not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean? Dwight: Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut! Kelly: I don’t even want to hear it. Okay. I didn’t come this Diwali to get yelled at! Kelly’s Mom: Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome. Kelly: Uh… excuse me. I want to get a… Kelly’s Mom: He’s a perfect match. Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, you ready? Jim: Yep. Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot! Jim: Oh, Holy Mother of God. Andy: Oh, that burns! Golly. Um… Jim: Good. Karen: Ooh. Overhead: [song by Beyonce Knowles] Looking so crazy, my baby. I’m not myself lately. I’m foolish. I don’t do this. I’ve been playing myself. Baby I don’t care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you’re making a fool of me. Michael: Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night? Kelly’s Father: Yes. Michael: Wow. Kelly’s Father: How long have you been married to the cheerleader? Michael: Oh! She’s not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um… no, we’re not married… yet! Kelly’s Mom: She is very fair. Michael: She is. Very fair and very kind. So… um… tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It’s still very cool. Okay. Thanks! Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot! Jim: Oh. Carol: Are you okay? Michael: I’m going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I’m just going to get this for a sec… just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um… everyone? I’m sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah… Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um… okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you’re all thinking ‘who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?’ Well, I’m not crazy. Maybe I’m crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband. Crowd: Awww! Carol: Oh, Michael. Michael: What do you say? Carol: Can we talk about this in private? Michael: I didn’t hear you. [laughs] Carol: [louder] Can we talk about this in private? Michael: [lowers microphone] Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Okay. Michael: No. I get it. I get it. You’re not ready. We’ll wait. This is a classic… Carol: This is the ninth date, Michael. Michael: Yeah, well, but I … I feel like I’ve known you many lifetimes. Maybe I’m Hindu after all. Okay, I’m not Hindu, but… Carol. Carol, I just… I feel like… I just like you so much. Carol: I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right? Michael: Yes. Carol: Okay. Michael: Okay. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don’t I come with you. Cause I’ve got this book called the Kama Sutra. Carol: Okay, good night, Michael. Michael: All right. Good night. Ryan: Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um… the compensation is a lot more competitive. Kelly’s Mom: So you’re saving money… Ryan: Yes. Kelly’s Mom: …to start a family and home. Ryan: Oh, um… or travel. And,um… and buy an Xbox. Kelly’s Father: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight? Pam: Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Young Man: Is it? He’s really outgoing, huh? Pam: Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second? Pam: It’s hot in there. How’s the naan? Angela: Dry. You look like you were having fun. Pam: I am. You should come dance with us. Angela: I have to watch our shoes so they don’t get stolen. Who were you texting? Pam: No one. Andy: [sings Indigo Girls] I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children… Karen: Andy, no acappella. Andy: [sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain. Andy and Jim: [sing] There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line Andy: Wait, wait. Andy and Jim: [sing] the less I seek my source… Karen: Oh, come on, guys. Please. Andy and Jim: [sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to.. Karen: It’s not good. Andy and Jim: [sing] fi-i-i-ine! Andy: TUNA! Are you kidding me!! Michael: Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow. Pam: Here. [hands drink] Michael: That’s so spicy. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Oh. You waiting for a call? Pam: Uh… no. Michael: Wow. Pam. When Carol said ‘No.’ tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements. Pam: Well, you were never really engaged. Michael: I was in that marriage arena, though. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Yeah. Uuuuh… well. Pam: I kind of thought something would happen tonight too. Michael: We’re so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her] Pam: What are you doing? Michael: What are you doing? Pam: I’m rejecting your… Michael: I’m… what? I didn’t Pam: …kiss. Michael: [scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home? Pam: If you sit in the back. Karen: Goodnight, guys. Jim: Can I have a ride, man? I… uh… I have my bike. Andy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You’re welcome to share it though. It’s a roomy twin. Jim: Okay. Jim: Oh. Karen: Hey dummy, get in the car! Jim: I’m a drunk driver. Karen: Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just… uh… get in the car. Jim: Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli. Karen: Yeah, you can’t. Jim: No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that’s all right. Karen: Sure. Here’s your bag. Just don’t puke on anything. You okay? Jim: So good. Karen: Good. Michael: These are not my shoes. This is just like that show ‘Taxi Cab Confessions’. Pam: You say one more word; I’m stopping the car. Michael: Sorry. Michael: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It’s a tribute to one of the greats… Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it’s time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it’s not Christmas, it’s Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don’t invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you’re Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali! Crowd: [loud clapping, cheering, and whistling]