The Merger
Written By: Brent Forrester Directed By: Ken Whittingham Transcribed By: Admin [Toby enters the office] Toby: Hey. Pam: Hey. How'd the run go? Toby: Ah, pretty good. I finished. Pam: That's great. Toby: Thanks. Dwight: [scoffs] Why is that great? Pam: Because he accomplished something. Dwight: What was your mile time? Toby: About seven. Dwight: [scoffs] I could beat that on a skateboard. Toby: Well, that has wheels. Dwight: Yeah, well, my feet don't. And I can still crush that time. Pam: Really? Dwight: I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther. [Dwight and Pam are out in the parking lot. Dwight is limbering up] Dwight: Man, what is taking Toby so long? Pam: Oh, I’ll just time him later. Dwight: And you’ll compare the times? Pam: Yeah. Are you ready? Dwight: No, my groin-- Pam: Set. Dwight: Is really tight. Pam: Go! Dwight: I can’t-- [starts running] Pam: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don’t know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn’t even a stopwatch. It’s a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [yells to Dwight] Hey! Three more laps to go. You gotta pick it up if you’re going to beat Toby! Dwight: [screams] Pam: I should probably get back to work. [Michael and Dwight are placing name tags at desks around the office] Michael: He-e-re… Who’s here? Dwight: Name tag? Michael: Yes, please. Dwight: Karen Filippelli. Michael: Karen Filip-- [in Italian accent] Karen a-Fili-pell-li. Dwight: Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino. Michael: Okay. Michael: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. And that’s all I’m going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. [exhales] [Michael and Dwight continue placing name tags] Michael: Who’s next? Dwight: Andy Bernard. Michael: Andy Bernard. Dwight: If I were you… Michael: Saint Bernard. Dwight: I would fire Anthony Gardner-- Michael: What? Dwight: before noon… Michael: I’m not-- Dwight: To consolidate power. Michael: I’m not firing somebody on the first day. Dwight: No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner. Dwight: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person. [Pam enters office with grocery bag] Pam: Good morning. Michael: You got the food. Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do--set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who’s way out of your league. Pam: Okay. Michael: [quiet laugh] Pam: Yes, I’m in a good mood today. I’m excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That’s always a thing that makes people happy, to have an old friend back. [Hannah enters the office] Michael: Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr. Dwight: Hannah Smoterich-Barr. Michael: [passes Hannah a gift bag] Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here. There he is. Tony-- Tony: Gardner. Michael: Gardner. I knew that. There you go. Gift bag… for you. [laughs] Okay. Tony: Thanks. [Karen enters the office and walks to reception] Pam: Hi. Karen: Hi. Pam: I'm Pam. Karen: Karen. I love your sweater. Pam: Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me. Karen: Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn how to knit. Michael: Welcome, welcome, welcome! [imitating robot] Take me to your leader. Oh, wait. I am your leader. Karen: Uh, wait, are you a robot or a Martian? Michael: Hmm? Ah... [laughs] I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Karen: Hi. Karen. Michael: Welcome. Wow, you are very exotic-looking. Was your dad a G.I. or...? [awkward silence] Andy: I’ll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a... carpenter... that makes stairs. [Andy enters the office] Andy: [clears throat] Hello. Michael: Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome. Andy: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and hello. Michael: [laughs] Very good. Welcome to our little kingdom. Uh, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you. Andy: Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike. Michael: Oh. Andy: Nifty! Michael: They are nifty. They’re nifty gifties. Michael: You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him. [Martin and Jim enter the office] Martin: Which is why they need a passing game. Jim: Right. Michael: [to Jim] No way. Get him outta here. We don’t want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man. Jim: Okay. Michael: [to Martin] How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you. Martin: Oh. Thanks. Michael: Free of charge. Follow me. I will show you where all the slaves work. [shakes head] Not… so, your desk is… [Jim walks up to reception] Jim: Hi, I’m Jim. I’m new here. Pam: Oh, my god! It’s really you. [laughs] Jim: Yeah, I was just doin' a little joke there about how we’d never met. Pam: I know. I don’t care. Jim: Awesome. Good to be back. Jim: Where do I stand with Pam? Um… No idea. Dwight: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford. Jim: Hey, Dwight. Dwight: Fact: I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me. Jim: Okay. Sounds good. [stares at Dwight's forehead] Dwight: What are you doing? Jim: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Dwight: I have a smudge on my forehead? Jim: No. Looks good. Dwight: Why are you looking at my forehead? Jim: I’m not. Dwight: Meet my eye line, Jim. Jim: I am. Dwight: Stop acting like an idiot! Jim: Okay. [Ryan enters the office and walks over to Jim] Ryan: Hey, buddy. Welcome back. Jim: Hey, how are you, man? Good to see you. Ryan: I’m good! How are you? [places his work bag on Jim's chair] So… Jim: Oh, I’m sorry. Are you sitting here now? Ryan: Yeah. Jim: Oh. Ryan: Um… unless you really, really want it back. Jim: You know, man, it’s really your call. Ryan: Cool, thank you. Jim: Mm-hmm. [whispers] Let me get that for you. [takes his jacket off the chair] Ryan: You got it? Jim: Mm-hmm. This one taken? No? Good. Ryan: Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That’s why I got the desk. [Andy is in Michael's office] Andy: Michael Scott, thank you. I appreciate it, Mike. [Dwight stares angrily at the pair] Michael: All right. Dwight: Hello. I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. Dwight Schrute-- Assistant Regional Manager. Andy: Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales. Dwight: So you’ll be reporting to me, then. Andy: Mmm... on the contrary. Dwight: My title has ‘Manager’ in it. Andy: And I’m a director... Dwight: Oh. Andy: Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film? Dwight: I know everything about film. I’ve seen over 240 of them. Andy: Congratulations. [Michael sits at his desk and reads from a piece of paper, talking to himself] Michael: I present the orientation video. [Dwight enters Michael's office unannounced] Dwight: We need to talk. Michael: Not now. Dwight: Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales? Michael: I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale. Dwight: Okay. So who gets paid more, me or Andy? Michael: It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right. Show time, part one. Dwight: Okay, who reports to who? Michael: I don’t care, Dwight... You all report to me. That’s all that matters. The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, okay? Dwight: And then if I want-- Michael: Work it out amongst your selves! Dwight: I-- Michael: Please! I have a company to run. Will you let me run the company? Dwight: I-- Michael: Will you? Dwight: One-- Michael: Please? Michael: Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don’t we all proceed into the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For--drum roll, please-- [imitates drumroll] the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in. [Michael addresses everyone in the conference room] Michael: I've created an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. Jim: Oh, this looks promising. Pam: You won't be disappointed. [Karen taps Jim on the back and passes him a piece of gum] Michael: It's got a little bit of zing to it. And I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin, and what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch... Lazy Scranton. [Michael plays the Orientation Video. Hip-hop music plays] Orientation Video: Michael: [sings] Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, Called the man twice just to see what was shakin' Dwight: [sings] Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty Michael: [sings] So check out how we live Dwight & Michael: [sings] In the Electric City Michael: [sings] Call Poison Control, If you're bit by a spider Dwight: But check that it's covered Dwight & Michael: [sings] BY your health care provider Jim: It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed me on my first day: The Scranton Witch Project. [cuts to The Scranton Witch Project] Michael: I am so scared when people don't label their personal food. [Lazy Scranton continues to play] Michael: Plenty of space in the parking lot Dwight: But little cars go in the compact spot Michael & Dwight: Spot, spot, spot Michael: Well, so far, I think it is killing. I thought it would either be an A or an A-plus. But I completely forgot that there is an A-plus-plus. [Pam enters breakroom. Jim has just bought a drink from the vending machine] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: What happened to grape soda? Jim: Oh, yeah. I’m trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase. Pam: Oh, you’ve changed so much. Jim: Well, I’m evolving, Pam. Pam: So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked? Or you want to grab a coffee or something after work? Jim: Oh, um… tonight, actually? No. I’m just still getting settled. Pam: Oh, yeah, no. You know, whenever. Jim: Okay, um... I should probably get back to work. Pam: Yeah, I know. Me too. Jim: All right. Pam: The day’s going fine. It’s been a little chaotic, but it’s fine. It’s great. A lot of distractions, but it’s good. [Andy shows Angela his new screensaver, a cat with a cowboy hat and bandana] Andy: Hey, Angela. Check this out. It’s my new screen saver. Angela: Oh. Andy: Do you like it? Angela: I do like it, actually. Andy: Thank you. You have... such a pretty smile, by the way. Angela: Thank you. Andy: You’re welcome. [machine pumping, Ryan looks over at Hannah who uses a breast pump] Hannah: Take a picture. It’ll last longer. Ryan: I’m sorry, it’s just... It’s a little distracting. Creed: Ditto that, my brother. Karen: Uh, what’s that smell? Phyllis: What smell? Karen: It's... Must be an air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home. Phyllis: Oh, I’ll help you find it. Karen: Oh, you know. Never-- Never mind. Phyllis: What is it? Karen: I--I-- I, uh, think I’m just allergic to your perfume. Phyllis: My perfume? Karen: It’s just my crazy nose. I’m, um... used to different smells. Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It’s made from real pine. Karen: Who’s Bob Vance? Phyllis: You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie. Stanley: I don’t know who these new people think they are. I’ve sat downwind of Phyllis’ stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word. Michael: People hate people that are different from them. That’s natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the ‘Integration Celebration’. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause. [Michael addresses everyone in the conference room] Michael: I know what a lot of you must be thinking. "Wow! What a day! It feels more like a night at a party, than a day at work." Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night… at… the Roxbury. Okay, there’s supposed to be music and it’s-- I got it! I got it! I got it. Dwight, just! Dwight: Do you have batteries in that? Michael: Stupid! Um… Andy: [imitates Haddaway's, What is Love?’ intro] Michael: That’s it! Andy: [sings] What is love? Michael: Yes, yes! Okay! Andy: Baby, don’t hurt me. Andy & Michael: Don’t hurt me, no more. Andy & Michael: What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me! Michael: Okay. Andy & Michael: [chest bumps into Tony] Michael: Here we go. Here we go. Uhh! Andy: Don't hurt me. Michael: Oh! Oh! Oh! Andy: Whoa-oh-oh-oh Michael: Scuse me! Scuse me! Andy & Michael: Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh… Michael: You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow! Andy: Whoa-oh-oh-oh. Michael: You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh, my nose so itchy. Why’s my nose so itchy! Andy: Uh, probably because of all the nose candy. Michael: [laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor. Dwight: Very funny, Michael! Michael: Okay, Okay. All right. Dwight: Really funny, Michael. Michael: All right, all right, I’m on a roll. [Michael addresses everyone in the conference room. The new employees are seated atop a table] Michael: Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them. Karen: Shouldn’t we be equals? Michael: Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table, if you would. Tony: Uh, this is difficult, for me. Michael: Hey, I understand. We’re all friends. Tony: No, I mean, I can’t physically. I can’t get on the table. Michael: Oh, well... Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up. Okay? Tony: [starts to climb table] Michael: You know what? I’ll help. I will help-- Tony: No. Please... Don't... Michael: Don’t be shy! Dwight, let’s do this. Dwight: Do this. Come on. Ready? Michael: Come on. We’re doin' this thing! Let’s get up. Dwight: On three. One, two-- Michael: Bend at the knees. Dwight: Go! Michael: Okay, here we go! Here we go. I’m under this-- I’m under this hock here. I don’t know what I’m grabbin' here. Tony: All right, all right, stop. Put me down. Michael: We’ve almost got it. Push it! Push it! Tony: Let me go! Michael: I’m right in your crack. Tony: Put me down now! Michael: You're almost there! Tony: Put me down right now! Tony: I’ve had enough! Michael: You’ve got it. You’ve got it. Tony: Put me down right now! Or else! Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. Dwight: Hey, hey. Easy. Michael: Easy. Tony: I’m sorry. Michael: Don’t-- Tony: It’s just not going to work for me. I have to go. Michael: I don’t understand. Tony: I was on the fence about this, and… it’s just not a good fit. Michael: Well, we’ll squeeze you in. Tony: I can’t work here. I have to quit. Michael: You can’t quit. On the first day. That’s... [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let’s talk about this. What happened? I mean, what-- Tony: It’s just your management style. Michael: My management style? So… didn’t you think ‘Lazy Scranton’ was funny? Tony: No. Was it supposed to be funny? Michael: Okay, well... Don’t bother quitting because you’re fired. Tony: Excuse me? Michael: You are fired! I’m sorry, but we don’t have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk! Tony: But there’s nothing in my desk except coupons. Michael: Don’t try to apologize to me, man. It’s too late. Just get out. Take your bad vibes with you. Dwight: That was my advice, remember? I’m the one who suggested that you fire him. Michael: Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight. Dwight: And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would "none" be an accurate estimate? None advice? Andy: Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win the next battle. Hannah: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional. Angela: Well, maybe that’s because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club. Michael: Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide. Stanley: Back to work. We don’t have to get along. We just have to work together. Michael: No, we do have to get along. Can’t we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King. Michael: The word "merger" comes from the word "marriage". And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like... when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And, once again, it becomes my job to fix it. [Michael comes running into the office] Michael: Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires. Dwight: What?! Michael: Yeah! They punk’d us! They punk’d us good! Come on. Come on! [everyone runs out of the office] [everyone is in the parking lot assessing the damage] Michael: Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let 'em get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators. Dwight: Yeah! Michael: Yeah? Toby: I don’t-- I don’t think we can do that. Michael: Go home, Toby. Just… Martin: Hey! Why doesn’t your car have a flat tire? Michael: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It’s so hateful. [reads note] “You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you suck!” Hannah: For crying out loud. Michael: No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You are playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don’t, oh… Martin: [to Stanley] What is with this guy? Stanley: Got an hour? I’ll try to explain. [Pam sees Karen place her hand on Jim's back and looks blankly at the camera] Michael: This is egregious! This is egregious! [the employees talk together in the office] Martin: Is he always like this? Ryan: Sometimes he brings more costumes. Hannah: Hmm. When do people work? Phyllis: Oh, we find little times during the day. [Michael peeks out his office blinds, watching the employees talk] Michael: See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that’ll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. [Jim's cell phone rings as he is getting into his car] Jim: Hey. Where you at, Filippelli? Karen [on phone]: I’m at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy. Jim: [laughs] What’s wrong, you didn’t have a good first day? Karen: Oh, my god. Hey, you want to meet at Cooper’s in an hour? I need a drink. Jim: Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I--[sees Pam in rearview mirror] Hey, you know what? Can I give you a call right back? Karen: Yeah. Jim: Okay, thanks. Karen: Okay. [Jim stops Pam in the parking lot] Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey. Jim: I thought you had already left. Pam: Uh… no. I just, uh, had some other stuff I had to do. Jim: Oh, good. Pam: What’s up? Jim: Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today… or something. Pam: What do you mean? Jim: I just think I should tell you that I’ve sort of started seeing someone. Pam: Oh. Jim: And, uh... Pam: That’s totally cool. You can do whatever you want. Jim: Oh. Okay, uh... Good. Pam: We’re friends. We’ll always be friends. Jim: Right. Pam: It’s good to have you back. Jim: Yeah. Good to be back. [Michael, Dwight, Jim and Andy are in Michael's office] Michael: So, after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new number two. Dwight: If he even wants it. It doesn’t come with a pay raise. Jim: Yeah, it does, actually. Dwight: So who will be your new number three? Michael: Uh, that I have not decided yet. Andy: Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb. Michael: Thank you, Andy. That’s very kind. Thanks. Dwight: And I have to say your leadership-- Michael: Shut it. Dwight: Has brought-- Michael: Shut it! That’s… [whispers to camera] Suck-up.