The Convict
Written By: Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant Directed By: Jeffrey Blitz Transcribed By: Admin Pam: Ohhhh! She’s absolutely adorable! Hannah: He. Pam: Oh, sorry. He’s–he’s dressed all in pink. Hannah: That’s his favorite color. Pam: Oh. That’s… fun for him. Stanley: Fantastic. Michael: Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute. Hannah: Thank you. Michael: Ohh. May I? Hannah: Uh, sure! Michael: [climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I’m a baby! I’m one of those babies from “Look Who’s Talking.” What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What’s a stapler!? I don’t even know, I’m a baby! Hey, Mom, I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts. Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Karen: Almost done? Jim: Just about… yup. Now. Jim: Yes. I have started to see Karen. It’s very new, and… not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or… I dunno. Just, not yet. Michael: Yeah, Jan, it um… looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don’t know. Angela: Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting. Jan: [over phone] Mmhmm. Angela: Look, we have a rebate from… the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means. Jan: We get that money for hiring an ex-convict. Michael: I didn’t hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. [Jan sighs] … I’m just kidding. Jan: When did the check come? Angela: Last week. Jan: Okay, that’s when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move. Angela: One of the Stamford people is a criminal? Michael: Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby. Angela: Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal? Jan: Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I’m not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line. Pam: [whispering] Who is it? Michael: Hannah? Kevin: Hmm. Angela: Hmm. Kevin: Andy. Angela: Andy? Kevin: Hmm. Martin? Michael: Kuhhhh… you are such a racist. Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist? Michael: Because you think he’s black. Kevin: He is black… right? And… Michael: Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now. Jan: Okay it’s someone named Martin Nash. Kevin: Yeah! Jan: Michael? Michael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy… who went to prison for… polluting a black guy’s lake. Kevin: I wonder what he did. Michael: In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and… saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened. Pam: Why would anyone go to jail for that? Michael: Sssssso, what we need to do… is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people. Kevin: Cool. Pam: Okay. Angela? Angela: Sure. Let’s protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that. Michael: Good. All right. [everyone leaves] Jim: [picks up phone] Jim Halpert. Andy: [over phone] I am so horny. Jim: Okay I can’t… help you… with that. Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack. Jim: She is dating Ryan, I think. Andy: Oh, and I care why? Jim: She’s… high-maintenance. Andy: Next. How about… [motions toward Angela]. Blondes are more fun. C’mon, trust me on that. Jim: Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one. Andy: Okay, fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it? Jim: Absolutely, you should. Andy: Jackpot. Michael: Just… try to be cool. Dwight: I am cool. Michael: Okay, are you cool, really? Dwight: I’m cool, I’m cool, I’m so cool. Tell me what is going on. Michael: Um… Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool! Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals. Andy: All… righty, let’s get started. What is she into? Jim: I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates… Jim: Frisbee-based competitions… Andy: Are you kidding? Jim: She… Andy: I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf. Jim: Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. [Andy hums Six Flag ad] Got it. Also… do you speak pig latin? Michael: Hey Martin, how’s it going? Martin: Good. Getting settled, you know? Michael: Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I… trust… him, completely, and that anybody who doesn’t is an ignorant, dumb… person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust. Pam: My dad. Michael: Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Michael: Yeah. Jim: Jonas Salk. Michael: Who? Jim: Justin Timberlake? Michael: Oh. Please. Colin Powell. Karen: Hey I got one. Michael: Yup. Karen: Jesus. Michael: Apollo Creed. Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants… he says something ordinary like… ‘yo, that's shizzle.’ Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you. Martin: So… you all wanna know what I was in for? Michael: No. That’s not cool. You don’t have to tell them. Martin: Um, I really don’t mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I… got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink. Michael: [laughs] That is awesome. Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because… it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day. Pam: What was prison like? Martin: Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But… at least we got outdoors time. Kevin: You got outdoors time? Martin: Two hours, every day. Sometimes we’d play pickup football games… Kevin: Michael, why don’t we get outdoors time? Pam: Yeah, some days I never go outside. Michael: Well, we are running a business, so. Meredith: What was your cell like? Martin: Not good. Uh… a little bit bigger than Michael’s office… but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time’s our own. They had uh, classes, I took some… watercolor classes. Pam: They have art classes? Martin: Yeap. Yeah. Ryan: They have business classes there? Martin: They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys–a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business. Pam: Kinda sounds like… prison’s… better than Dunder-Mifflin. Michael: Ah. Well. That’s not true. Kevin: I would so rather be in prison. Ryan: Prison sounds great. Michael: No you would not. Michael: This place is not prison. It’s… way better than prison. Creed: [singsong voice] Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this? Karen: You can’t give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow. Creed: Oh, it’s okay. I’ve got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo? Andy: Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you’re cute. There is no gettin’ around it. So… I don’t know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos… maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay? Pam: Wow… I– Andy: Shh. Think about it. I’ll hit you back. Pam: Wow. That was… wow. Michael: Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let’s go! Pam: Michael, it’s freezing out. Phyllis: I can’t feel my toes. Michael: Why don’t we… pump some iron? Anyone wanna… pump up? Jim: What is that, like… five pounds? Michael: It’s uh… two and a half. I’m not going for bulk, I’m going for tone. Stanley: I’m going back inside. Michael: Yeah, it’s… freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you’ve got about… twenty-seven minutes of rec time. Michael: Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint? Martin: Yeah, in the rec room. Michael: Ah. A ten inch black and white? Martin: Actually, our TV was bigger than that one. Michael: These people don’t realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole. Jim: Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam. Andy: Yeah. Jim: Quick question – do you play the guitar? Andy: I play the banjo. Jim: Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that’ll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? Andy: [singing] You know I can, my man. Jim: Yup. That’s perfect. Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Andy: I’m gonna go get my banjo out of my car. Jim: Perfect. Karen: What is going on? Jim: I’m messing with Andy. I’m sending him to all the women in the office with… just… terrible information on how to get them to go out with him. Karen: I love it. I want in. Who’s the target? Jim: Oh, you know what? It was… gonna be Pam, but… Karen: Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment. Jim: Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam… we’ll give her a break. Let’s think of someone else. Michael: All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better… than… here. And none of can say “Boo” because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there’s somebody I’d like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I’m prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?! Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you’re somebody else? Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that’s just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody’s bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don’t drop the soap! Don’t drop the soap! Ryan: Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises] Jim: Where… did you learn all of this? Michael: Internet. Jim: So, not prison. Michael: And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I’m saying. It’s not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office. Jim: What’d you do, Prison Mike? Michael: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped… the… president’s son. And held him for ransom. Jim: That is… quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. Michael: And I nevah got caught, neither. Jim: Well, you’re… in… prison, but, mmhmm. Pam: Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison? Michael: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair. Andy: Wow. Prison sounds horrible. Michael: Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks. Dwight: Prison Mike. What’s the very very worst thing about prison? Angela: Don’t encourage him, Dwight. Michael: The worst thing about prison was the… was the Dementors. They… were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they’d come down, and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt! Karen: Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter? Michael: No, not Harry Potter. There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who… have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody’s bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. ‘Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn’t sound so great, does it? Pam: Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you. Martin: Yeah, that… wasn’t really… at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I’ve seen on television. But it didn’t remind me of my time in prison. Michael: Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room] Jim: Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out. Michael: No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it’s like to have freedom. And if this doesn’t bother them, then I am out of ideas. Kevin: [knocking on door] Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have– Hannah: Shh! Toby: [answering phone] This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from? Toby: Michael. Why’s everyone locked in the conference room? Michael: They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Toby: Well, you’re going to have to let ’em out. Or… or I will. Michael: Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so. Toby: You know they’re teasing you. I mean… obviously, this is… a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have… we have parties here. They’re teasing you. To be funny. Michael: [unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don’t you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms! Michael: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford… to a convict, to… my friend. Back to a convict. Then to… a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to… a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black. Andy: [singing] So we’ve been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they’re wrong, wait and see, ’cause one day we’ll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee…