Back From Vacation
Written By: Justin Spitzer Directed By: Julian Farino Transcribed By: Admin [all the sales people sit around the table in the conference room] Jim: All right, let’s get started. Umm… Oh, first off, we’re supposed to be pushing cardstock this week, so… let’s push cardstock this week. Uh, also-- [to Dwight] what is this? Dwight: Tape recorder. Jim: For what? Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation, and he’s asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts. Jim: Okay, uh, Karen, any news from that law firm? Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday. It’s a six-month commitment. Jim: Oh, my God. Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: What? Jim: You’re not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office. Dwight: I’m not. Jim: Dwight, you know what? Just back up. Okay, that’s making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh, my God! He’s got a knife! Dwight: I do not have a knife. Jim: No. Let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley’s neck. Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar! Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby’s bonnet. Dwight: Give me it. I am not. Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in. Dwight, get his autograph for Michael, quickly. Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, okay? Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo? Jim: Oh, my God, Karen, you’re right. That is Animal from the Muppet Babies. Dwight: You can’t see my stomach. Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis’ head with a chainsaw! [imitates engine revving, clears throat] [Michael enters office carrying bags and boxes] Michael: [Jamaican accent] Hey, mon. Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages, and-- [Michael shaking head with beads in hair] Pam: That’s nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother. And so you might also have to be deposed. Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax. Pam: Okay. Michael: Just relax. Okay, I’ll get to all of it later. Pam: It’s kind of serious. Michael: Aren’t you going to ask me how Jamaica was? [whispers] Say it. Ask me. Pam: How was Jamaica? Michael: It was so good. Oh! Hey, mon! At Sandals Jamaica, when somebody says “Hey, mon,” everybody says, “Hey, mon” back. Stanley: Oh, Michael. I’m glad you’re here. Michael: Stanley, you know what? It is really good to see you too. Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised. Michael: Okay, well, payroll is in charge of all that. Stanley: They said I should talk to you. Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I’m gonna… Stanley: I am not doin' a lick more work until I get my full bonus check. Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... Mon. [Jim and Karen stand in the kitchen as Karen pours coffee] Jim: You wanna talk about it? Karen: Nope. [walks away] Karen: I still haven’t found an apartment yet. I’m living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a “For Rent” sign down the street from Jim, and he said he didn’t think it’d be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away. [Michael and Pam are in Michael's office. Pam sits in front of Michael while he plays steel drum and sings] Michael: [sings] Feelin’ hot, hot, hot, Feelin’ hot, hot, hot, Feelin’ hot, hot, hot, Feelin’ hot, hot, hot. That’s all I know so far, but I’m gonna keep practicing. Pam: That’s good. [Michael continues to play steel drum] Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now? Pam: Oh. Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax. They party all the time. Pam: It’s kind of an impoverished country. Michael: Yeah. Gosh... Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three. Pam: Well, you can’t today. We’re doing inventory. Michael: Inventory’s at the end of December. Pam: We couldn’t do it without you, so we postponed. Michael: Oh... I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it. Michael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don’t make you do stuff, like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans? [Michael addresses office] Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it. Angela: By the end of the day? That’s impossible. Michael: The Jamaicans don’t have a word for “impossible.” Jim: Yep, it’s English. It’s “impossible.” Angela: Michael, there’s no way we can do it in time. Michael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig. Some fire dancers. That’s all you need. [Michael greets everyone as they all congregate in the conference room. There is a spare seat next to Jim, Karen walks past it] Michael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling. And... settled. Good. There is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.” This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem. Pam: Oh, my God. Is that Jan? [points to the monitor] Everybody: What? Where? Pam: On the left. Everybody: Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Michael: No, no, no, no. No that’s a German woman named Urkel Grue. Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So, officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That’s all I’m gonna say. Sex. We had sex. [chuckles] I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan. [Michael is in his office on the phone to packer] Michael: Hey, dude. I just got back from Jamaica. Packer: Big whoop. I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked. Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing, but you know what? The lady, Jan Levinson, wanted to go to Montego Bay. Packer: You took the Ice Queen? Michael: [chuckles] Packer: I don’t buy it. Michael: Well, I’m looking at a photo, right now. And I’m tellin' ya, could be in Maxim. Packer: They wouldn’t give you a subscription to Maxim. Michael: Oh, no? Packer: No. Michael: Okay. Well... [sighs] Check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it? Packer: Well, no. I got nothin'. Michael: Check it again. Hit "refresh". Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothin'. Michael: Okay, wait a second. I sent it to you at… [reading computer screen] [email protected]. [email protected]. Uh-oh. Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture? [Michael runs down the hallway to the warehouse] Michael: Ahh... Darryl?! Hey, hi. Where’s Darryl? Roy: He’s, uh, in the office. Michael: Okay. Hi. Hey, man, how’s it goin'? [Darryl sits in his office eating] Darryl: All right. What’s up, Mike? Michael: That’s great. Okay, um. So, did you get an email from me? Darryl: Yeah. Michael: Okay. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not “packaging.” Darryl: Hmm. Michael: Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people? Darryl: Uh-huh. Michael: Okay. Um... Well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it. Darryl: Yep. Michael: And you sent that out to everyone? Darryl: Mike, I’m very busy down here. [eats chicken] [Jim, Andy and Meredith are huddled around Kevin's computer] Jim: Yikes. Kevin: Already sent it to you, my friend. Jim: Fantastic. Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over. [Jim sits at the table in the breakroom, Pam enters] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: You okay? Jim: Yeah. Pam: You sure? Jim: Yeah. Yes. I’m just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen. Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it? Jim: Really? [Dwight sits at his desk, Michael leans against it] Michael: [quietly] I have a special assignment for you. Dwight: Who’s the target? Michael: [quietly] A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture... The file name is “Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.” Dwight: What’s it of? Michael: Not important. Dwight: Unless you’re willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment. Michael: Okay, forget it. [begins to leave] Dwight: Okay, I accept it. [Jim and Pam continue conversation in breakroom] Jim: So, I don't know, I just feel like we’ve been dating a month, right? Same street--I think that might be a little close. A little bit much. Pam: Hmm. Jim: "Hmm," what? Pam: [scoffs] How far away does she live now, like, ten minutes? Jim: [sighs] Yeah, I guess. Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her. Pam: No, I didn’t mind helping Jim with his problem. That’s what friends do. I... help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So... yeah. [Jim and Pam continue conversation in breakroom] Jim: Hey. Thanks a lot. Pam: Oh, don’t worry about it. I mean, it’s better than listening to Michael play a conch shell, which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan. Jim: Yeah. How have we not talked about this already? I mean, what happened there? Kidnapping? [both laugh] [Toby enters Michael's office] Toby: Hey, I need to talk to you. Michael: Not now, not ever. Toby: About you and Jan. Michael: Ah, none of your business. Toby: Well, I wish it were true, but it--it, um... seems from that photo that you two---you’ve entered into an intimate relationship. Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops. Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife, and, well, we don’t talk. Michael: Well, then this is probably the icebreaker you need. Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to H.R. Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn’t you? Skeevy little perv. Toby: All right, if you’re having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it. Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo? Toby: All right. Thanks, Michael. Michael: Okay. [the Party Planning Committee sits in the conference room] Angela: Okay, we only have three hours, people, to plan a whole luau. And you’re not helping. Karen: What are the ingredients of poi? Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs. Angela: Did you try the petting zoo? [Pam talks on the phone at reception] Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael? It’s Jan on the phone for you. Michael: Oh, God. No, no, no. Hang up. Hang up. Tell her I’m not here. Tell… Don't. [whispering] I've ran out of gas. Hit a deer. I--I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat. Pam: He’ll call you back. Okay. Great. Michael: [whispering] Do you think she bought it? [Pam nods] Michael: Okay. Okay. Dwight: Michael hit a deer? [Michael sits in his office, Dwight pokes his head through the blinds] Dwight: Michael! Michael! There’s an emergency in the warehouse. Michael: An accident? Is somebody hurt? Dwight: No, it’s… involves the photograph. Michael: Oh, God, no! [runs out of office] No, no, no, no. [Michael and Dwight stop at the top of the warehouse stairs to see the photograph enlarged and hung on the warehouse wall] [applause] Roy: Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done. Michael: All right. Okay. [claps and cheers continue] Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it! [Michael and Dwight leave] [Michael and Dwight run down the hallway to the office] Michael: Hello, hi, attention, everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rated picture of me and a woman. Kevin: Jan. Michael: No, Kevin, a woman! Maybe Jan, maybe-- Jim: Urkel Grue. Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let’s be professional, all right? [Michael plays the steel drum outside the office, Pam enters] Michael: [sings] Feelin’… feelin’ hot, hot, hot, Pam: Hey. Michael: Hey. Pam: What are you doing out here? Michael: Island living. You know? Pam: Jan called. She’s coming in later to talk to you. Michael: Did she say what it’s about? Pam: That’s all she said. [everyone is in the warehouse for the luau, Andy plays the steel drum and sings] Andy: Ole, ole, ole, ole, Ole, ole, ole, ole, Ole, ole, ole, ole, People in the party, Hot, hot, hot. [Jim approaches Karen with flyer] Jim: Uh, I think you dropped this. Karen: You sure? Jim: Definitely. [Michael runs down the warehouse stairs] Dwight: [in hushed tone] I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that be taken down. And destroyed all print outs from the bathroom. Michael: There are copies in the bathroom? Dwight: There were. A lot of them. Michael: All right. [Karen approaches Pam] Karen: I think I owe you one. Pam: Sorry? Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day’s Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing. Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don’t worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous. Karen: Yeah, but… thanks, seriously. Pam: Sure. Darryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What I tell you? I knew he’d turn up [holds up an iPod docked on speakers] You see that? [laughs] This is the greatest night of my life. [Pam cries in the hallway, Dwight approaches cautiously] Dwight: Who did this to you? Where is he? Pam: What? No, it’s not… It’s nothing. Dwight: [takes off coat and ties around waist] It’s hot in here. Pam: Yeah. Dwight: Yeah. Pam: [sniffling] [Dwight hands Pam a handkerchief] Pam: Thanks. [Dwight sits down next to Pam] Pam: You don’t need to stay here. Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you’re PMSing pretty bad, huh? [forklift runs over the steel drum in the warehouse, drum clangs] [Jan walks down the warehouse stairs] Jan: Hello, everyone. Hello, Michael. Michael: [muffled] Guh. Kevin: Hi, Jan. You look… tan. Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister. Kevin: Yeah? How was it? Jan: Very sunny. Family’s important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office. Please. Michael: Okay, yep. [Michael walks away very slowly] [Michael enters the office, Jan is seated at his desk. Michael sits down sheepishly] Jan: Why am I here, Michael? Michael: Uh… Jan: In the last year, I’ve gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not… communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies, and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me? Michael: Uh, uh, yes. Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness. You know? I mean, even--even if it means… lowering my expectations or--or redefining the word, itself. Michael: Okay, yeah. Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am attracted to you. I--I don’t know why, I… [sighs] but, I am. And... I need to follow my instincts. At least, that’s what Dr. Perry thinks. Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I-- Jan: This is the point, okay? You’re wrong for me. Michael: Okay. Jan: In… in every way. But I still-- Michael: Well, not-- Jan: Find myself wanting to… be with you. Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well. Jan: Good, good. Michael: So, umm… thanks for coming by. So, I, uh… Jan: Well, good, okay. Michael: Okay. Jan: Thank you for taking the time. Michael: Well, thanks for coming over, I apprecia-- [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately] Jan: Wait fifteen minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo. Michael: [muffled] Okay. [Jan walks away] Michael: Jan. You complete me. [points to Jan and makes a heart shape in the air] Jan: Oh, God. [the luau continues in the warehouse] Roy: Hey. Remember when we were planning our honeymoon, and you wanted to go to Hawaii, and I wanted to go to Mexico? Pam: Yeah. Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Roy: Oh, brother. [Kevin folds up the large poster of Jan] Kevin: What am I gonna do? I’m gonna hang it up at home. I don’t have a lot of art. [smirks]