Travelling Salesman
Written By: Michael Schur, Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Greg Daniels Transcribed By: Admin [Michael sits at his desk in his office] Michael: Jim! Could you come in here please? [types on keyboard] Harvey: [robotic voice] Hi, Jim. Jim: Hello. Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks. Michael: [laughs] Sorry. Jim: Zing. Michael: Oh wow. That’s so rude. I’m sorry, I can’t control him. Jim: Yeah, you can. Michael: You know what? Get Pam. Jim: For this? Michael: Pam! Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today. Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael’s new friend. Pam: Great. Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim. Michael: Oh, that is gross. Pam: Who is "Long Tim"? Michael: Damn it. Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time. Jim: Oh, well, ‘Yoy’ should bring in "Long Tim" in one day. Shouldn’t he? Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim. Jim: Yeah, right? Pam: Yeah. Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive. Jim: Okay. Pam: Okay. Bye Harvey. Harvey: Boobs. [Angela looks over the divider at the office entrance] Kevin: Angela. Angela: What? Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them? Angela: They arrived this morning. Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal. Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it, Kevin? Kevin: Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal. Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There's two of us left. Me and Karen. It’s like we are touring Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river. [Dwight enters the office, Angela meets him at the coat rack] Dwight: [sighs] Angela: [quietly] Everything okay? [takes candy from Pam’s desk] Dwight: Just fine. You are in the clear. Angela: Thank you. [puts candy on Pam's desk] I--I don’t want those. [the sales people sit around the table in the conference room] Michael: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you. Andy: Hey, Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it, Michael? Michael: Yes. Okay, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first. Andy: Hmmm, well… let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don’t know... Michael Scott. Michael: Oh. Andy: PhD. Doctor of Sales. Michael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you. Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept. Michael: Well, thank you, sir. Okay, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior. Phyllis: We’re the same age. And I’ll pick Karen. Karen: Oh, uh, thanks. Michael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley. Stanley: Pass. Michael: You can’t pass. You’ve gotta pick somebody. Stanley: I’ll take the kid. Ryan: I am very flattered. I was his second choice, after “Pass.” [conversation continues in the conference room] Michael: So, that just leaves Dwight and Jim. Dwight: Okay, wait, does anyone want to trade? Jim: Yeah, I’ll trade. Jim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. [holds up photo] Oh, young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot. [Michael opens the trunk of his car as Andy stands by] Andy: Sebring, by Chrysler. Heck of a motor carriage. Michael: Dwight? Dwight: Yep? Michael: Here ya go! [throws laundry bag] Dwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers? Michael: Please. Andy: He does your laundry? Michael: Long story. All right, everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the Amazing Race. [points to Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [points to Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother / daughter. [points to Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. [points to Andy and self] And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go? Karen: Wait, Amazing Race, like, the biggest sale wins? Michael: No, we’re just gonna rush out, do the sales thing, and come back. Ryan: Is there a prize? Michael: Just bragging rights. Phyllis: Then how is this Amazing Race? Michael: It’s just--brrrrr. It’s Amazing Race, Phyllis. Okay? We’re in teams of two, and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let’s do it. Dwight: Come on! Michael: [steals Phyllis' car keys and throws them under her car] Phyllis: Michael-- Michael: Whoa, whoa. Oh ho ho ho! Vamanos! Andy: Bueno. Phyllis: Do you have a pole? Karen: [sighs] Let’s go get a broom. [Jim buckles up in the driver seat of his car, Dwight sits in the back] Jim: Seriously? You’re gonna sit in the back? Dwight: Uh, yeah. It’s the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first. [Jim slams on brakes, Dwight hits his head in the headrest of Jim's seat] Michael: Here we go. [Michael and Andy get into Michael's car] Andy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally. In this case, Michael. And here’s the good news. Every success I’ve ever had, at my job or, with the ladyfolk, has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down. [Andy and Michael drive] Andy: What’s the deal with Dwight doing your laundry? Michael: [scoffs] That is a long story. Um, a couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job. And I am now having him do my laundry as punishment. Andy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So... pretty good folder. [Karen and Phyllis drive] Karen: Why are we turning in here? This is a beauty salon. Phyllis: Mm-hmm. [Ryan and Stanley drive] Ryan: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one? And then, you can critique me after. Stanley: You want the lead? Ryan: Yeah, if you don’t mind. Stanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more. [chuckles] [Angela approaches Pam at reception] Angela: Hey, Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee? Pam: Really? Angela: Yeah. I thought you could use some fresh air. Might be fun. Pam: Okay. Sure. Angela: Okay. [Pam looks suspiciously at the camera] [Jim exits the car, Dwight remains in the backseat] Dwight: Leave the keys. Jim: You still do that thing? Dwight: Leave the keys. [loud hard rock music blares from the car, Dwight plays air guitar as Jim stands outside the car] Andy: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It’s really a pleasure to be a part of it. It’s like, everyone has their own special skill. You know, just like the Super Friends. Except for Dwight, who's kind of more of a Super Dud. I mean, he would be a Super Friend, if there was a Super Friend whose super power was always being late. You know? Michael: Hawkman. [Andy stands outside a woman's public toilet] Andy: My plan is taking longer than I thought. But I don’t give up easily. I have walked two marathons. So-- [the toilet flushes and Michael walks out of the woman's bathroom] Michael: Let’s go. The men’s room was disgusting. [Jim opens a door for Dwight] Jim: After you, sir. Dwight: No, thank you. I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear. Jim: Okay, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front. Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with-- [Jim slaps Dwight, Dwight looks sheepishly at the camera] [Michael and Andy sit at a desk across from a potential client] Michael: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack? Buyer: Yep. Michael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big. Andy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It’s in the Hamptons. My dad’s got a 42-foot Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow’s nest. Also shot a deer once. Michael: You know what? Let’s get right down to it. Dunder Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hard work and decency-- Andy: Okay, this is the classic undersell. Because you should know we don’t work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It’s in New York. Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We’ve had some problems in the past. Michael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company. Andy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry. Michael: No. Andy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree. Michael: Stop it. [puts his hand on Andy’s shoulder and squeezes it hard] Stop it. Andy: Ow. [Andy and Michael drive] Andy: Oh, man. Talk about your classic lame-dash-O. Do we even want that guy buying our paper? Michael: Yes. [Angela and Pam are at a coffee shop waiting to be served] Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time. Angela: This friend of mine-- let’s call her Noelle. She missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman-- we’ll call him Kurt. He drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. Because--I don’t know. I guess he really just likes her a lot. Pam: That’s great. Angela: Yes, it is. [walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello? [Ady and Michael drive] Andy: I'm-- I’m so sorry, man. I really screwed that up. Michael: Oh-- Don’t worry about it. Andy: I really ‘Schruted’ it. Michael: What? Andy: ‘Schruted’ it. It’s just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you ‘Schruted’ it. I don’t know where it comes from, though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute? Michael: I don’t know. Who knows how words are formed? [Phyllis and Karen sit at a desk across from a client] Phyllis: It’s a big order. Thanks Kenny. Karen: Yeah, thank you. Phyllis: Hey, how’s Annie? Kenny: Oh, she’s great. This is us last year in Bermuda. [shows a framed photo on his desk] Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda? [Stanley and Ryan sit, waiting] Julius: Stanley Hudson. Stanley: Ah, Julius. How’s it goin’? Julius: Great, great, great. Guy: Stanley. Stanley: So, good to see you too. I’d like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard. Ryan: Hi. Stanley: I’m gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan? Ryan: Um… [to the Buyers] Hi. [shakes one mans hand] Hi. [shakes another mans hand] Hi. [shakes another mans hand] Hi. [shakes another mans hand] Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us? Ryan: Oh-- [Jim and Dwight sit at a desk across from a client] Jim: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser. Man: Okay. Okay. Dwight: Can I use your phone? Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead. Dwight: Thanks. Jim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked. Dwight: [on phone] One… Jim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges… Dwight: Three… Jim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need-- Dwight: Seven… Jim: We can custom make them. [Stanley and Ryan drive, Ryan looks out the window] Stanley: [laughs] And you just said, “Hi! Hi! Hi!” [chuckles] You sounded like... [chuckles] my niece And she’s six months old! [Dwight and Jim's conversation continues with client] Man: Well I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys. Dwight: Sure. Jim: Sure, that’s true we can’t compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service? Man: Very. Voice over Phone: Please keep holding. Your call is very important to us. Dwight: Hmm. That’s one of the ‘Big guys.’ Been on hold this whole time. Jim: [dials cell phone] And this is Dunder Mifflin. Kelly: Dunder Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly. Jim: Hey, Kelly, it’s Jim. Kelly: Oh, my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you-- [Jim hangs up] Dwight: Here is my card. It’s got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don’t celebrate any major holidays. Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal. Jim: Thanks. [Karen and Phyllis drive] Karen: Thanks. That was fun. Phyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person. Karen: Thank you. Phyllis: I’m so glad you’re with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her. Karen: That’s nice. Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover. [Stanley continues to laugh at Ryan] [voiceover. Andy looks through Dwight's desk] Andy: Hey boss. Got a minute? Michael: Yes, Andy. Andy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning? Michael: He didn’t say. Andy: That’s weird. Because I was just walking past his desk, and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. [scene cuts to Andy passing Michael the receipt] Why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That’s not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight, and try to steal his job or something? Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong. Michael: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice... strike three. [Dwight and Jim drive, Dwight remains in the backseat] Dwight: I like Karen. She’s pretty. Appears intelligent. Jim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence. Dwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model, or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys. Jim: We should go on a double date. Dwight: [scoffs] No, thank you. [Michael sits at his desk, and talks on the phone] Jan: Dwight’s name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don’t know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote “Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.” Michael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk enter the office] Andy: Oh, doggie. [Karen approaches Jim] Karen: Hey, you wanna grab a coffee? Jim: Sure. Look at you. Karen: Yeah. [Michael and Andy exit Michael's office and walk over to Dwight] Dwight: Hey, we nailed the sale! Michael: Where were you this morning? Dwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn’t crow. Michael: Why do you lie, liar? Dwight: I am not a liar. Michael: You are lying right now. Andy: It sure seems like he is lying. Dwight: Stay out of this, you! Michael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history... I need you tell me right now exactly what you were doing this morning. Dwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company. Michael: Okay, you know what? I want you to think about your future at this company. I want you to think about it long and hard. Dwight: That’s what she said. Michael: [softly] Don’t. Don’t you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day. [Dwight sits at a different table behind Angela in breakroom] Dwight: [whispering] It’s gonna be okay. Angela: How is gonna be okay, Dwight? Everyone will know our business. Dwight: That’s not the worst thing in the world. I’ll just stand up in front of the office, and reveal our true love. It won’t be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan. Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world. Dwight: [sighs] Well, I don’t have a lot of choices. [Jim sits down at table with Karen] Karen: So, let me ask you a question. Jim: Ok. Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam? Jim: Pam? Did I ever have a ‘thing’ for her? No? Why, did she say something? Karen: I moved here from Connecticut. Jim: Yeah-- Ok, here’s the-- I had... a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it, and she didn’t feel the same way. So, it didn’t amount to anything, and I left. I’m really glad you’re here. Okay? Karen: Okay. [Dwight stands up from his desk and addresses the office] Dwight: [loudly] Ahem. May I have your attention, please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head on, and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you, and I will not forget those of you soon. But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I'm quitting. So-- Andy: [sings] Oompa-Loompa Doompadee-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome, Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not, He was a total douche. Doompadee-doomp. [Dwight carries his box full of belongings] Dwight: I would like to give the rest of my belongings... to Michael Scott. Just take it. Except this. [takes bobble head from box] Michael: [clears throat] Good luck. Dwight: And this one. [drops item] Oops. Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me... so much. But, he will be missed. Angela: Dwight... from sales... was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had. Dwight: One of my life goals was to die right here, in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered. [Dwight leaves the office building as Jim and Karen walk through the parking lot] Jim: Hey. man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves] Karen: What happened on your sales call? Andy: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy is such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done, and I did it. And now I’m thrilled. So, it’s pretty-- [camera focuses on Angela in the background who stares in menacingly at Andy being interviewed] Hello? Pretty good.