The Return
Written By: Michael Schur, Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Greg Daniels Transcribed By: Admin [Dwight walks through a parking lot to an office building, karate kicks and punches the air before entering] Dwight: I have left Dunder Mifflin after many record-breaking years, and am officially on the job market. And it’s very exciting. [Dwight is in an interview] Dwight: For your convenience, I’ve broken it down into three parts, professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia. [Dwight walks to another office building] Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. [Dwight is in another interview] Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable. [Dwight walks down a street looking despondent] Dwight: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon. [Dwight is dressed in Staples uniform and sits on a display chair in the store] Dwight: I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And, uh... it’s fine for the time being. [his wristwatch beeps] Oops. Break’s over. [gets up from chair and leaves] Andy: [to Ryan] Big Turkey. [his cellphone plays “Rockin’ Robin” in a Capella] [holds his phone in front of Jim and waves it] Andy's cellphone: [sings] He rocks in the treetops all the day long, Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singing this song, All the little birds Jim: Is that you singing? Andy: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever. Jim: Nice job. Andy: Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing] Jim: You gonna answer it? Andy: [chuckles, holds up his desk phone] I called it myself. I just thought you’d get a kick out of the new ring. Jim: Yikes. Andy: Side note. I’d just like to say I’m thrilled to be working directly beneath you. Jim: Oh. Andy: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you’re younger and have less experience. So... here’s to the future. Andy and the Tuna. [sings to Bennie and The Jets] Andy and the tuna. [taps on desk] Oh.. [scats] [Jim stares at Andy blankly] Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win. [Michael sits in his car in the parking lot attempting to close the top of his convertible] Michael: Argh, top won't go up. [Oscar pulls up next to him tin the parking lot] Michael: Oh, hey, hey! Look where's here. Hello, hello. Oscar: Hi, Michael. Michael: Welcome back. Oscar: Good to see you. Michael: As you know, Oscar is a gay man, who is also my friend, and he has bene on a little bit of a sabbatical...recently. Seeing the world. Finding himself. Having lots of fun, no doubt. Oscar: What does that mean? Michael: [loud sigh] Oooh, check out the new car. German engineering, nice. How many pesos did that set you back? Oscar: It's a company lease. From the settlement. After you kissed me. Michael: Well, that's how this company takes care of our employees. When we settle, we settle high. I have an idea, rainbow stickers, all over the back windshield. Shout it from the mountain tops, my friend. Oscar: Part of me wants the people in this office to have learned their lesson, and just shut the hell up. And part of me thinks... "You know what? Keep talking. I'd really love a home theatre." [Michael sits behind his desk, Andy leans against drawer behind him] Michael: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company-- more personnel turnover. Andy: The cost of doin' business. Michael: Yeah, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman. Andy: Was the top salesman… Michael: I said "was". Andy: [chuckles] Addition by subtraction. Michael: What does that even mean? That is impossible. Andy: Mmm... Yeah, you’re right. Michael: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So, we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back, and hopefully that will lift everyone’s spirits. [Oscar walks up to reception] Oscar: Hey. Pam: Oscar! Oscar: Pam. Pam: Good to have you back. Oscar: Good to be back. [all greet Oscar, Oscar walks over to his desk] Jim: Welcome back, Oscar. Oscar: Thank you. Good to be back. Meredith: Hey, Oscar. Oscar: Hey, everyone. Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation? Oscar: That’s very funny. Kevin: Yeah? I thought that, like, two seconds after you left. Oscar: [sits at his desk] Hi, Angela. Angela: Oscar. [Andy enters Michael's office] Andy: Hey, boss. Michael: Hey, what’s up? Andy: Nooothin’. Enhrrr... hehh. [chuckles] Man. TGI Wednesday. Am I right? Michael: Yep. Andy: Gonna go home, get my beer on. Get my Lost on. What are you doin' later? You wanna hang out? Michael: Uh... I don’t know. Maybe. Andy: Well, I will take that as a "maybe". [Michael gets up from his desk] Andy: Where are you goin'? Michael: Bathroom. Andy: Oh, well, I’m going to the kitchen, I’ll walk with you. [Andy lurks by the bathroom door] Andy: Yeah, things are goin' pretty good. Gettin’ a lot of face time with the boss. [Angela looks at Oscar sorrowfully] Angela: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the Party Planning Committee? Oscar: The committee with all women? Angela: Yeah. Oscar: Because I’m gay? Kevin: [snickers] Angela: No. No. Certain events have transpired, and I’ve thought about certain things. And I’m sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations. Oscar: Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right. I’ll join. I’d love to. That’s-- Thank you. Angela: Thank you. [sniffles] Kevin: Can I join too? Angela: Never. [Dwight walks with printer box through Staples shop floor] Staples Guy: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work. Dwight: [scoffs] Child’s play. Give me something hard to sell. [Oscars enters the kitchen, Creed and Jim are making drinks] Oscar: Hey, where's Dwight? Creed: You didn't hear? Decapitated. Whole, big thing. We had a funeral for a bird Jim: I'm pretty sure none of that's real. Creed: You're not real, man. [Michael walks over to plant in the office] Michael: Wow. What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible. Pam: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it? Michael: Yeah. Oh, you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. [cuts to scene of Dwight arranging toys on Michael's desk and watering the plants] They always used to arrange them in a--a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning. Pam: Oh, that wasn’t the night crew. That was Dwight. Michael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around this office. [Andy walks up and hugs Michael] Andy: Feel ya, dawg. Michael: Yeah, do you? Andy: Absolutely. Michael: What did I say? Andy: You said… RUh-duht duh duh-dooh. [chuckles] Michael: Huh. Andy: Which is, like, “Right on.” And Pam was like, “blah blah blah.” And you were like, “Yeah. Psh-sht.” Nailed it. Michael: [looks downcast and walks away] Oh. Oh, no. Michael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person, a little. Not super crazy, just… there’s something about him that creeps me out. I can’t really explain it. He’s always up in my bidness, which is Ebonics for “being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.” I don’t understand how someone could have so little self-awareness. [Michael hides behind his office door] [the Party Planning Committee sit around the table in the conference room] Oscar: I really have no preference. We don’t even have to have a party. [Michael enters the conference room Michael: No. Hey, hey... Don’t be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific. Oscar: Michael-- Michael: No, no, no. I mean, not because you’re gay--Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar’s Mexicanity. So... Phyllis, I want you to go find firecrackers... and a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga. Oscar: Why don’t you have me riding in on a donkey into the office, like Pepe? Michael: Ah... a burro. Of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let’s get him one. [A lady browses the shelf at Staples, Dwight stands near her, arms crossed, staring] Dwight: Need any help? Lady: Oh, no, thank you. I’m--I'm just looking. Dwight: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all. [stands in the same spot] Lady: Okay. [moves away] [Andy sits at his desk and pretends to fish] Andy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz.... Bloop. Click, click. Click, click, click. Click, click. Click, click, click, click. Click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Click, click, click--Argh! Oop! Oh. I got one! I got one! Eeh! [Jim walks over to Karen's desk, Andy still pretends to fish in the background] Jim: Hey. Karen: Hey. Jim: So, Andy is in rare form today. Karen: Yeah, you should not encourage him. Jim: Encourage him? I’m the victim, okay? He’s fishing for me. We’ve got to do something. Karen: Look, I’ve got, like, fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight, and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature, so... I’m sorry. I can’t. Jim: Fine. Party pooper. [walks back to his desk] [Andy continues to pretend to fish] Andy: Oop! Ooh. Rah! Unh! Ooh! Ah! Whoa! [camera pans to Michael watching Andy through his office window] Michael: Who’s that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster... big, weirdo creep. [swings Jim around in his desk chair to face the camera] Andy: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! Ahh! [Jim and Ryan sit at their desks] Jim: Hey, Ryan? Ryan: What? Jim: You wanna pull a prank on Andy? Ryan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago. Jim: I liked you better as the temp. Ryan: [sighs] Yeah, me too. [Michael walks over to Phyllis, Stanley and Karen's desks] Michael: Hey, guys. How’s the workload on all of Dwight’s old accounts? Handling it okay? Phyllis: Sort of. He had a lot of clients. Michael: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight? Stanley: Oh, sure. We talk all the time. Michael: Really? Stanley: No. Michael: Don’t--don’t do that. That’s not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close. Phyllis: No. Sorry. Phyllis: Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive. [Paris and Dwight sit in the lunch room eating, Dwight reads a magazine] Paris: Really comin’ down out there. Commute’s gonna be hell. Dwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination. Paris: So, um, where were you workin’ before this? Dwight: Dunder Mifflin. Paris: What kind of company is that? Dwight: [scoffs] Paper company. They’re only one of Staples’ top competitors in the area. [scoffs] Paris: I never heard of ’em. Dwight: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper? Paris: It's gonna be like that, huh? Paris: I don’t like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That’s all I got to say on the matter. [Andy sings The Cranberries, Zombie at his desk] Andy: In your he-ead, In your he-yeh-eh-ead, Zombie, Zombie, Zombie, Ehy, ehy, ehy, In your he-ead. Jim: [gets up from his desk and walks to reception] Would you like to pull a prank on Andy? Pam: U m, I’m kind of in the middle of--Yes, please. Jim: Okay, good. Stay right here. Jim: [walks over to his desk and fumbles around with his pen holder and knocks it over. Andy: Oh. Jim: Sorry about that. Andy: Good move, Tuna. Jim: [slyly takes Andy's cellphone without Andy noticing] Andy: Nice one. Jim: [Jim walks back to reception and hands Pam Andy’s phone] Are there any messages? Pam: Nope. Jim: So weird. Pam: [takes the phone] Hmm. [Michael and Angela sit in the breakroom] Michael: Nice to have Oscar back. Angela: Yeah. [Pam and Jim get up from their desks wand walk to the kitchen, Jim leads, Pam slyly places Andy's cellphone in Jim's hand. Pam walks to the watercooler, Jim stands on the kitchen bench. Pam casually stands guard out front of the kitchen. Jim lifts a ceiling tile and throws Andy's cellphone in the ceiling cavity] [clattering] [Kelly and Oscar setup a table cloth in the conference room] Kelly: So, how much do you love Lance Bass now? Oscar: I don't know who that is. Kelly: You don't know who Land Bass is? He's only one of the five best signers ever, and, gay. Oscar: I've never heard of him. Kelly: [scoffs] Oscar, you really need to learn more about your culture. [Oscar looks blankly at the camera] [Michael sits at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, Jim enters and opens the fridge, Jim ignores him] Michael: [sighs] I'm not fine. And no, I don't want to talk about it. Jim: Alright. Michael: Okay, fine. What do you think of Andy? Jim: Uhmm... Michael: Because on paper, Andy and I should be best buds. We even have the same Top Ten All-Time Favorite Movie list, down to the number. Jim: Andy's a "Yes-man." Michael: Not all the time. [sharp inhale] Sometimes I'll say I don't like something, he says he doesn't like it, either. Jim: Right. He'll always agree with whatever you say. He did the same thing with Josh in Stamford. Michael: If he did that with Josh, he could be doing that with me. Michael: When I was five years old, I had these Spiderman pajamas. And one night, my mom was tucking me in, and she tried to give me a raspberry on my tummy. You know... pff-f-ft... and, uh, I tried to crawl away, and what happened was, her eyes were close, and she grabbed me... and she kissed me on my butt. And it was just the worst. So, I know what it's like to have your butt kissed... literally. And it-it-it's terrible. And it better not be what Andy is doing. [Andy sits at his desk, his cellphone ringtone plays, Andy looks around his desk for his cellphone] Andy: Um, Large Tuna. Have you seen my cellphone device? Jim: No. Andy: 'Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call. [ringtone continues] [Jim turns around to look at Pam, Pam is on her desk phone, calling Andy's cellphone] [Ryan draws accents above the 'N' and 'E' on a lemonade bottle] [Phyllis is in the kitchen and places microwave chimichanga's on a serving platter] [Pam hangs a "WELCOME BACK OSCAR" banner above the reception desk] Pam: Angela? Angela: Oh. [hands Pam tape] Pam: Is everything okay? Angela: No. [Angela and Pam talk in the hallway] Angela: I miss him. Pam: Dwight? Angela: No. John Denver. Pam: Okay. That's a good talk. Angela: Wait, I'm sorry. He's gone because of me. I told him I would be upset if people knew about us, and--so, he didn't have an alibi for Michael. I denied him. Pam: I still think there's a way you can explain it to Michael... somehow. Angela: Pam, I am not like you. Walking around in your provocative outfits, saying whatever thought pops in your head. Pam: Yeah... that's me. Angela: Thank you. This was helpful. [Jim and Andy sit at their desks, Jim calls a number on his desk phone, Andy's ringtone starts playing again, Andy looks clearly frustrated] Andy: What’s going on? Jim: What are you talkin' about? Andy: Where is my freaking phone?! Jim: You know what? Maybe it’s in the ceiling. Andy: You know what? Maybe you’re in the ceiling! Jim: Okay. Andy: [tries to look in Phyllis’s desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don’t trust you, Phyllis! [Michael sits at his desk and looks out at the snow falling, Angela enters his office] Angela: Michael? Michael: Yes? Angela: Never mind, you're busy. I'll come back tomorrow. Michael: No, what is it? Angela: I... I just... I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated tax forms that I forgot to send. [sighs] Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me. Michael: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight would do that for anyone here. Because Dwight loves this company, that's why. Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you? Angela: None of them... Especially not Andy. [Andy's ringtone continues to play, Andy searches near reception for his cellphone] [Michael leaves the office] Michael: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling, and I will be back shortly. Andy: Hey-oh. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with? Michael: Um... Andy: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed... wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football-– Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place, and we’ll hit the tiz-own. Michael: No. I don’t want to do any of that. Andy: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing it. Michael: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You’re going to drive me crazy. Andy: Fine, I’ll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy’s ringtone plays, Jim sits in the background on his desk phone] Excuse me. And I’m also sorry that a lot of people here, for some reason think it’s funny to steal someone’s personal property and hide it from them. Here’s a little newsflash! It’s not funny! In fact, it’s pretty freakin’ unfunny! Oh, my God! [punches a hole in the wall] Ow! [Jim looks at camera and quickly hangs up his phone, Andy's ringtone stops] Andy: That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the breakroom. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good? Pam: Yeah. Andy: Sure? Okay. Michael: I made a mess. I forced Dwight to resign prematurely, and I replace him with Andy, who loves this place so much, he punched a hole in it. It's a mess. A big mess. [Michael exits the office building] And it's weird, because this is not like me. I am usually the guy they call to clean up the mess. [runs to his car which is filled with snow] Well, I guess today, I am going to have to call in myself. [Michael enters Staples and searches for Dwight] Michael: Eh. Dwight. Dwight! [random Staples employee turns around] [softly] I'm sorry. Dwight: [to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It’s your funeral. See how that works out for you. [scoffs] Michael: Hey. Dwight: Hey. Michael: What’s up? Dwight: Same old. Michael: Um... It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did. Dwight: Oh, my God, she told you? Michael: Yes, she did. And Dwight... if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning... and I apologize. Dwight: Accepted. Michael: How’s this place treating you? Dwight: [scoffs] The boss isn’t funny. Michael: Ooh, well. Dwight: I don’t get to wear my ties. Michael: No. I’m sure. Dwight: So? Michael: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please. Dwight: I don’t want to do your laundry anymore. Michael: We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] Michael: All right. [Dwight and Michael leave Staples, Dwight takes off his work shirt on the way out] [La Cucuracha plays, Jim and Pam inspect the hole Andy punched in the wall] Jim: Oh, my God. That’s half-inch drywall. Pam: I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker] Jim: [imitates Andy] “It’s not freakin’ funny!” Angela: Are you enjoying your fiesta? Oscar: Actually, yeah. I didn’t think I would, but turns out-- [Angela sees Michael and Dwight enter the office] Oscar: It’s great. Michael: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present… Mr. Dwight Schrute! Everybody: Yay. [scattered applause, faint whistling] Angela: [walks up to Dwight and shakes his hand] Angela: Welcome back. Dwight: Thank you. Michael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You’re gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh? Dwight: You did this for me? [camera pans to “Welcome Back Oscar” sign] Michael: Guilty. [Creed eats food served in the conference room] Creed: Oh… Where did you get this stuff? Meredith: Gerdy’s. Creed: Which aisle? Meredith: I don’t remember. Creed: Well, draw me a map, mama. [passes Meredith a pen and paper] [Michael taps on the conference room window with maraca's, Pam is on the opposite getting food] Michael: Pam. I will shake mine, and then you will-- Pam: No, I will not. Michael: Shake yours. [Phyllis shakes her chest to Michael] Michael: [walking away] [muttering] My God... [Michael talks to Oscar] Michael: So, does this remind you of your childhood right now? Oscar: It reminds me a lot of The Three Amigos, with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase. Michael: Wow. Thank you. Wow, that’s... Thanks so much. [Karen enters the conference room where Jim sits by himself] Jim: Hey. Karen: [sighs] Do you still have feelings for her? Jim: [sighs, nods] Yes. [Karen leaves] [a pinata is setup in the conference room] Michael: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he’s handing it to him] Dwight: Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on Dwight] Dwight: No, no, no. I don’t need it. Get out! [beats up pinata, shouts indistinctly] Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and that’s what I did. The important thing is... I learned something. I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm. [Andy drives] Andy: So, Michael had a little chat with corporate, and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still... Management material. [clears throat] [Andy gets out of his car, walks towards a building] Andy: This whole thing is supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don’t worry about old Andy Bernard. I’ll be back... just like Rambo.[Andy walks past a woman who introduces herself] Marcy: Oh, hi. You must be Andy. Andy: Oh, hi! Yes, I am and you must be Marcy Marcy: That’s right, it’s so good to meet you. Andy: It’s so good to meet you. Marcy: [laughs] Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun? Andy: Yeah.