Ben Franklin
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Randall Einhorn Transcribed By: Admin [Michael sits at his desk, Dwight records him on a camcorder] Michael: Hello, son. If you’re watching this, that means I’m already dead. Life is a road... Dwight: How do you know it’s gonna be a boy? Michael: How--Would you stop interrupting, please? Michael: Yesterday, I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die, I want my... son... to know the dealio. The dealio of life. [Michal on the camcorder] Michael: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won’t be able to. [Michael on camcorder, in the parking lot, demonstrating how to jumpstart a car incorrectly] Michael: To jumpstart a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys [shows battery clamps] and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then, you take these, [shows other battery clamps] and clip them wherever. Dwight: [turns camcorder on self and shakes head] [Michael on camcorder, stands behind Pam, who sits at reception and looks confused] Michael: Number eight. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra. Pam: What? Michael: We will demonstrate on Pam. Pam: No. Michael: And-- Pam: No. [leaves] Michael: Come on. [Michael is on camcorder demonstrating how to undo a bra, Dwight sits with his back facing the camera, wearing a bra] Michael: You just twist your hand, until... something breaks [awkwardly fumbles with the bra clasps]. Dwight: Ow. Michael: Well, you get the picture. Thanks, Pam. [Dwight turns to face Michael] [Michael on camcorder] Michael: And remember, no matter what, I will always love you. Dwight: What if he’s a murderer? Michael: He’s not going to be a murderer. Dwight: Maybe that’s how you die. Michael: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no? Dwight: I want to do this. Michael: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-- Dwight: Action. [Michael addresses everyone in the office] Michael: Hello, everyone. As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis’ wedding. [scattered applause] Michael: So, get your suits to the dry cleaner, and get your hair did. And Karen, um... you might want to invest in a--a dress or a skirt of some kind, if you don’t already have one. This may be Phyllis’s only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So... I am instituting prima nocta. Jim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So… [Michael continues addressing everyone] Michael: I’m sorry. I... had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant. Michael: I’m trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis’s wedding, because I want her to get people excited about my wedding, when the time comes. Which won’t be hard. Because it’s gonna be awesome. A lot better than hers, that’s for sure. It’ll probably be on a boat. [Michael enters conference room, Angela and Karen hang a banner "Congratulations, Phyllis"] Michael: What’s up spinsters? Angela: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only. Michael: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guys' night out. A G-N-O, if you will. A g-no. Actually, it’s more of a guy’s afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gai. Not...Not...it’s, uh... not gay. It’s a, just a... It’s a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys. [camera pans past Karen to show Jim yawning at his desk] Karen: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks, but we had some really good talks and actually, now I think that we’re better than ever. Jim: Karen and I had a long... talk last night. And the night before that. And, uh... Every night... for the last five nights. [Karen gets up from desk and walks over to give Jim a hug, Pam watches in the background] Pam: Something’s up with Jim and Karen. Not that I’ve been eavesdropping. It’s not really any of my business. But... I’ve gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim’s neck. [Packer enters the office, Karen and Jim talk at Jim's desk] Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. [lisping] "Hey, everybody, it’s me, Jim." [talks to Karen] Hello, hello. Todd Packer. Karen: Karen Filippelli. Jim’s girlfriend. Packer: Shut up! Karen: Yep. Packer: Shut it! Karen: That’s rude. Packer: Either this chick is a dude, or Halpert got scared straight! Michael: Yes. Yes! Oh ho ho ho ho! There--uh! [groans, clutches chest and falls to the floor] Packer: What happened? Michael: Oh God- Packer: Quick, somebody help! Help the man! [pretends to kick Michael] Michael: Ow, no, no! Michael: I can’t believe you’re not going to be there. It’s gonna be good. It’s gonna be a great bachelor party, man. Packer: I have a full day of sales calls. Michael: You should get out of them. Packer: I can't. [takes pencil from Michael's desk and breaks it] Michael: It’s--it's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It’s gonna be great. We’re going to be doing some darts, we’re gonna be, uh, grilling up some steaks. I got some pie... Going to be very delicious... Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get? Michael: I did not order a stripper. Packer: Whaddaya mean, you didn’t order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party? Michael: [scoffs] Yeah. Um... [hemming and hawing] Not personally, no. Packer: All right, Mike. Okay. A stripper is bachelor party 101. Michael: I know, I-- Packer: If you don’t get a stripper, your party is going to suck it hard. Michael: I can’t get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment. Packer: [sighs] I just-- Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal. Michael: So, that’s what that means. Michael: Okay, everybody. Slight change of plans. We are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naugh-tay. Uh! [spanks himself] Dwight: [laughs] Alright! Uhh! [spanks himself] Michael: Gay... Dwight: What? Michael: Okay, co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies. Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Meredith: Shut up, Angela! [Jim buys a drink from the vending machine in the breakroom, Pam enters] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Uh... Jim: Uh... Pam: Everything okay? Jim: Oh, yeah. Why? Pam: Well, you seem a little tired. Jim: Oh. Yeah, well... I guess there’s been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking. [exhales] Pam: You should get more sleep. Jim: Yeah. I know I should. Pam: Never underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep. Jim: No, I’m sure you’re right. Pam: When I get eight hours, compared to, like, six hours... like, big difference! Jim: Really? Pam: Oh, yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle. Going with the whole... sleeping... better than not. Jim: Good advice, Beesly. Thanks. See you out there? Pam: Yeah. Don’t fall asleep at your desk. [turns toward the vending machine] [under breath] Oh, my God. [Michael gets ready to leave the office] Michael: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies. And I need you to handle... hiring the strippers. Jim: [quietly] Absolutely not. Dwight: [whispers] I’m on it. Michael: [whispers] Well, get on it, and make it happen. [Dwight sits at his desk and talks on the phone] Dwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, tats. Of course I want-- Jim: Stop. That’s disgusting. Dwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper. Jim: Fine. Dwight: I knew you would, Nancy. Jim: Sally. Dwight: Uh... no preference. What do you think redhead or brunette? Jim: Blonde. Dwight: Nice. Do you have any blonde women? [both Pam and Karen look at Jim blankly] Dwight: Hmm. [Michael and Ryan are in an adult shop] Michael: [giggles] Ryan: He hasn’t even said a word yet. Just giggling. Michael: [pokes Ryan with a sex toy] Gotcha, oh! [chortles] Ryan: [walks away] Michael: [cellphone rings, his ringtone plays Chamillionaire's Ridin', Michael answers] Yes? Jim: You okay? Michael: I’m in the-- I’m in the sex shop. Jim: Ah, gotcha. Michael: [snickers] Jim: Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or SpongeBob SquarePants. Michael: SquarePants? Jim: Yep, SpongeBob SquarePants. Michael: And you think that’d be sexy? Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania. [Michael and Ryan are in the elevator, Michael brushes a feather toy on Ryan's head] Michael: Ooh, ha ha! Ben Franklin: [runs to stop the elevator] Hold the door, please! Michael: Oh. Ben Franklin: Thank you. Michael: Ho ho. Hello! Ben Franklin: Hello! Michael: You wearing a thong? Ben Franklin: What? Michael: [laughs] [the women are at Phyllis's bridal shower in the conference room, drinking] Angela: Sparkling cider is very good. Pam: I think that’s champagne. Angela: [spits champagne back into her glass] Michael: Hello, ladies. Who here is a history buff? Angela: Um... [raises hand] Michael: Who’s a fan of buff naked? [giggling] Michael: Without further ado, the one, the only... the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin. Ben Franklin: [enters the conference room] Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott. And good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin. Michael: Huh? Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin? Ben Franklin: Knickers, in fact, yes. Michael: He’s in his knickers. Mr. Franklin. Ben Franklin: Hmm? Michael: I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever. Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president. Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was. Ben Franklin: Ah. I am here to teach you a little bit about my life. And the era of the Founding Fathers. Michael: [suggestive grunt] And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow-chicka-bow. Meredith: Wait. This is the entertainment? Michael: Yeah. Alright. So, I want you to give him your undivided attention, and Mr. Franklin... if any of these ladies misbehave. I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [points to Phyllis] [Jim and Dwight wait in the parking lot as the stripper gets out of her car] Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before? Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. Jim: Yeah, me neither. Elizabeth: Hey. Jim: Hi. Elizabeth: I’m Elizabeth. I’m the dancer that was requested. Dwight: Okay. Ha. I specifically ordered a stripper. Elizabeth: I’m the stripper. Dwight: Oh. Okay, good. Well, in the future, please identify yourself as such. Jim: [cellphone rings] Oh, God. Dwight: Okay... [reads text message] "Is she hot?" [Dwight and Jim turn around to see Michael with his cellphone out in the office lobby, Michael puts his phone to his ear and pretends he's on a call] Dwight: Text back, “Kind of.” [Ben Franklin addresses the women in the conference room] Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight. Karen: Mr. Franklin? Ben Franklin: Yes? Karen: Do you have a girlfriend? Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah. Pam: But don’t you also have girlfriends in Paris? Karen: Mm. Pam: Like, a lot of them? Ben Franklin: Uh, well that is a gray area of my life. Okay? So. It was a warm June evening... [Michael cooks steaks on a grill outside the warehouse] Michael: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors. Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on? Michael: No. Yes. Ryan: Oh, gross. Michael: But I got all the foot off of it. [Ben Franklin stands in the middle of the women, in the conference room] Ben Franklin: Mm-- Pam: Okay, Ben Franklin. Ben Franklin: [pulls a cherry stem out of his mouth] Ah--aha! Karen: Oh, Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth! Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a Renaissance man. Pam: Ben Franklin? Ben Franklin: Hmm? Pam: Do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons? Ben Franklin: [chuckles] Well. You’re very saucy! [chuckles and winks at Pam] [Karen and Pam both laugh] [Michael enters the warehouse with a plate full of steaks] Michael: Guys, beef! [stupid voice] It’s what’s for dinner. Who wants some man meat? Dwight: I do! I want some man meat! Michael: starts serving out steaks] Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Michael: Well, then, my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity. Stanley: [attempts to cut steak with plastic cutlery, his fork breaks] Of course. Creed: [eats his steak with his hands] Michael: There we go. [Karen and Pam are in the kitchen] Karen: So, I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig, and the costume, and you figure, how can I put this to practical use? Pam: Well, I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator, and he really pressured him into it. Karen: [laughs] Hey, um, I wanted to talk to you. I--I know this is weird or whatever, but, um... Jim told me about you guys. Pam: What do you mean? Karen: Well, that you kissed. And we talked it through, and it’s totally fine. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a kiss. Wait, you’re not still... interested in him? Pam: Oh, yeah. Karen: Really? Pam: Oh, no. I was--I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you’re going out with Jim. I’m not going out with Jim. You’re dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together. Karen: Okay. Pam: I’m not into Jim. Yeah. Karen: So, um... we're good. Pam: Yeah. Sorry. Karen: What are you sorry about? Pam: Um... Wat? Karen: What are you sorry about? Pam: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else. [Kevin deals cards at a table with Jim, Ryan and Roy] Kevin: Okay. The game is no-limit, deuce to seven lowball. Blin twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild. Michael: [Michael intrudes, and sits down at an empty seat at the table] I call shuffle! Here we go. [grabs the cards from Kevin and messily spreads them out all over the table] Kevin: Michael. [the stripper walks out of Darryl's office] Michael: Ah. Gentlemen... The entertainment is here. Everybody, I’d like to introduce you to Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Hi, guys. Michael: [chuckles] Nice outfit. Elizabeth: I hear there’s an important meeting here. [Kevin nods his head] Michael: [giggles] Roy: I’m not really into strippers. And-- you know what I find sexy? Pam’s art. She’s an artist and I appreciate that. It’s very moving. And... sexy. The art. Elizabeth: Hit it. [signals to Dwight to play the music, Bad Company's Feel Like Makin’ Love plays] So, where’s the groom? Michael: Oh. He’s right there. [points to Bob Vance] There he is. Bob Vance: Absolutely not. [clears throat] That’s all you. That’s all you. Michael: Okay. Alright, I’ll do it. Yeah, lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah? What do I... Elizabeth: Just sit on down. Michael: Alright. Elizabeth: Alright. Michael: Okay. Elizabeth: [starts dancing up on Michael] And here we go. Michael: oh, here we go. Alright! Elizabeth: Wooh! Michael: Not bad, not bad. You smell nice. Like Tide. Elizabeth: Mmm, what’s that? Michael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Elizabeth: Shh. Michael: Ha ha ha! Whoo! I have a girlfriend, so… Elizabeth: I bet she’d be jealous. [rips off shirt] Michael: Yeah, she'd probably... Yeah, she would be. You know what? Okay, excuse me. This--please. Stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong. This is wrong! This is wrong. I have a girlfriend. Uh-uh. And you are engaged and I’m sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something, so... Let's just clear out, okay? Shame on you. [leaves and walks up stairs to the office] Go back to work! [Dwight brings Elizabeth into the office and seats her at Oscar's desk] Dwight: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it. Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on? Dwight: We hired you for three hours' work. And we’re gonna get it. [walks away] Elizabeth: Ooh, I love your poster. Angela: Thank you. Kevin: [mouths ‘hi’ at Elizabeth] [Ben Franklin talks to Pam at reception] Ben Franklin: You know, I invented electricity. Pam: I know. Ben Franklin: Well, I’m sensing a little electricity right here. Pam: Didn’t Ben Franklin have syphilis? Ben Franklin: [short laugh] Yes, but I don’t. [laughs and leans over] My name is Gordon. Pam: Oh. [Michael sits at his desk, Ben Franklin sits opposite him] Michael: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth. But on the other hand, I’m afraid she’s going to dump me. Ben Franklin: You know, Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son. Michael: Really. Ben Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife, Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex. Michael: Wow. Ben Franklin, you’re really kind of a sleazebag. [Michael approaches Elizabeth in the kitchen, Elizabeth sits at the table on her cellphone] Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question? About women? Um... Should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me? Elizabeth: Secret secrets, are no fun. Secret secrets, hurt someone. Michael: Wow. Thank you. [Ben Franklin sits at a table in the breakroom, Dwight stand beside him] Dwight: Care for a piece of chocolate? [offers a block of chocolate] Ben Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon, but it has not yet been imported to the United States. Dwight: Who is the king of Austria? Ben Franklin: Joseph the second. Dwight: Who is the king of Prussia? Ben Franklin: Friedrich Wilhelm the third. Dwight: Who is the king of England? Ben Franklin: Why, the tyrant King George, of course! Dwight: I don’t care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure. [Michael sits at his desk with Jan on speakerphone] Jan: Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you... are you okay? Michael: Not really. Look, I don’t know how to say this, so I just will. Jan: Okay. Michael: I, um... went to a bachelor party. And things got a little out of hand. Jan: Uh, when--when did--When, last night? Michael: No, today at work. Jan: You went to a bachelor party at work? Michael: Yes, I kind of arranged it. [Kelly and Ryan sit at a table in the breakroom] Kelly: Well, I don’t even think the stripper was that hot. Do--do you guys think she was hot? Ryan: Kelly, don’t do this. Kelly: Do what? I just asked you a question. Ryan: You know what you’re doing. [Pam selects from the vending machine, Jim stands beside her] Kelly: Anyway, you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam. Jim: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I’m glad. Any real potential there, Beesly? Pam: [laughs] Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. Um... You know, Ryan, I'm---I’m totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever. Ryan: Okay. [Elizabeth sifts through the candy at reception, Pam walks over] Elizabeth: Oh, my God. I would get so fat if I worked here. Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time. Elizabeth: You could strip, you know. Pam: Thanks. [Michael continues his conversation with Jan] Michael: So, you don’t want to end our relationship? Jan: I’m closer to firing you. Michael: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that? Jan: I’ll talk to you later. Michael: You are. You are. Jan: [hangs up] Michael: So, you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And... Elizabeth, the stripper? Gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can’t. [Dwight continues interrogating Ben Franklin in the breakroom] Dwight: Are you near sighted or far sighted? Ben Franklin: Both. That’s why I invented the bifocal. Dwight: Gah!