Phyllis’ Wedding
Written By: Caroline Williams Directed By: Ken Whittingham Transcribed By: Admin [Jim and Dwight sit at their desks, Jim's computer beeps] Jim: Damn. Lost another file. Gonna have to reboot... again. [Windows reboot sound] Jim: Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid? Dwight: What do you think? Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. So, for the last couple of weeks, I’ve been conducting a similar experiment. [Windows reboot sound] Jim: Dwight, want an Altoid? Dwight: Okay. [Windows reboot sound] Jim: Altoid? Dwight: Sure [Windows reboot sound] Jim: Mint, Dwight? Dwight: [imitates Jim] Yes. [Windows reboot sound] Dwight: [holds out his hand] [sighs] Jim: What are you doing? Dwight: I-- Jim: What? Dwight: I don’t know, I-- Oh, my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smacking noise] [Phyllis and her bridesmaids stand for a photo, Michael walks over and stands next to them posing for a photo] Michael: Always the bridesmaids. Right, ladies? Photographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Michael: [starts walking away] Photographer: Actually, let’s bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great. Michael: Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father’s wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary, it is like I’m paying for the wedding. Which I’m happy to do. It’s a big day for Phyllis. But it’s an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride. Phyllis: Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before. Pam: Phyllis [holds up invite] ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me [holds up her invite to compare]. So, it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like, wait... I thought I called that off. [Jim, Karen, Stanley and his partner walk to the venue holding gifts] Jim: So, what’s in the box? Stanley: A toaster. You? Karen: Uh, toaster. Stanley: Unbelievable. [Dwight walks on footpath, Angela approaches] Dwight: Hello, Angela. Angela: Hi, Dwight. Dwight: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England. Angela: Thank you. Don’t linger. Break left. Dwight: [breaks right] Angela: Left! Dwight: The Shrute's have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic. But the weddings are a bleak affair. [Jim and Karen stand in line waiting to sign the Guest Book] Jim: Those flowers are nice. Karen: Yeah. "P and R?" Jim: Phyllis and Robert. Karen: Ah, of course. Pam: Also, "Pam and Roy." [Michael enter Phyllis's dressing room unannounced] Michael: There she is. I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin. Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That’s sweet. Same as when you said it outside. Michael: Mm, how you doin’? You excited? Phyllis: Yes, very. Michael: Me, too. If, um--if you need to vomit, that is okay. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight? Phyllis: No. Michael: You’re probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. [whispering] Phyllis, did you break wind? It’s okay, if you did. It’s a very natural reaction. It’s your wedding. And you’re nervous… Phyllis: That wasn’t me. Michael: Okay. Um… I’m sure that Bob… Wow, that is… that is pungent. Um, I lost my train of thought. Uh… Are you set on that hairstyle? Phyllis: I thought it was-- Michael: Here, let me… Phyllis: Michael, no. Michael: Just cover up that bald patch. Phyllis: I don’t need your… thank you. No, Michael please… I just need some time alone. Michael: Okay, okay. Michael: You might be surprised to learn that I’ve only been to one other wedding. It’s actually a very cute story. [sits in conference watching a wedding video on the TV] My Mom was marrying Jeff, and they asked me to be ring bearer. And I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet. Michael: [as a child, cries in the video] I hate you! Michael: Long story short-- Jeff’s dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony, that dog peed on everything. And nobody said ‘boo’. [people filter in through the church aisles to find seats] Dwight: Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people? Jim: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers. Dwight: No way. Jim: Did you ever see that movie? Dwight: Of course I saw it. Dwight: I saw Wedding Crashers, accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That’s the thing about bear attacks-- they come when you least expect it. Jim: You know, I just wish-- I wish I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out, you know? Dwight: Once again, Jim... I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won’t have to get her a gift. [Kevin, Toby and Toby's date sit together] Kevin: [to Toby’s date] Hi, I’m Kevin. [to Toby] Where'd you find her? Toby: At the gym. Kevin: Right. The gym! [stifling laughter] [Kelly and Meredith sit next to each other] Kelly: Could you scoot over? You’re on my dress. Meredith: I thought you’re not supposed to wear white to a wedding. Kelly: I know, but there was an emergency. Kelly: I look really good in white. [Michael waits in the foyer with Phyllis's dad] Michael: This strapping young lad sitting here is Phyllis’ father, Elbert. And he is quite the ladies’ man, aren’t you, Elbert, huh? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. [sighs deeply] Are you ready for this, Elbert? I am. Let’s do it. [Wedding March plays, the doors open to show Phyllis, Elbert and Michael] Pam: That’s my dress. [Michael pushes Elbert down the aisle next to Phyllis, Elbert stands up out his wheelchair, Michael tries to push him back down] Michael: [whispers to father] No, no, it’s okay. It's... Elbert: [gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking] [crowd cheers and applauds] Michael: [looks into the camera] This is bull****! Michael: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now… the wedding has no highlight. [Michael pushes and drags the empty wheelchair down the aisle, smashing it into the pews] Michael: I can’t believe I pushed that--that guy’s lazy ass around all day… until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That’s… well, I got news for you, Elbert. If that’s your real name... the show’s not over. [Michael continues to push and drag the empty wheelchair down the aisle, smashing it into the pews. Michael walks up to the altar and pushes himself in with the groomsmen] [Creed walks over to the gift table and replaces someone's gift tag with his own] [Phyllis and Bob at the altar] Priest: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? Phyllis: I do. Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance! [everyone is silent] Priest: And do you, Bob… Michael: Oh, shh… Priest: Take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife? Bob Vance: I do. Priest: You may now kiss the bride. Michael: Ladies and Gentleman! For the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [everyone claps and cheers] Michael: Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! [Angela shakes Phyllis' hand] Angela: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning. Phyllis: Thanks, Angela. [Michael shakes Bob Vance's hand] Michael: Congratulations, Bob. You’re a good man. But just know… if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you. Bob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I’ll kill you. Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis! Bob Vance: [chuckles] Michael: [to Elbert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me too. [Dwight congratulates Phyllis] Dwight: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also, I’m gonna need to see a copy of the guest manifest, as well as photographs of the caterers. Phyllis: I don’t have that, Dwight. Dwight: Damn it, Phyllis! [Kelly and Pam sit at a table] Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you. Pam: What do you mean? Kelly: Well, this was supposed to be your wedding. Pam: Oh, um, no, that’s, um… it’s actually fine Kelly: There’s no way it’s fine. I’m sorry. If I was you, I would just, like, freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant. Pam: Okay, that’s a lot of good ideas. Thanks. [Dwight watches Uncle Al at the buffet butter a bread roll and then put it in his pocket] Dwight: Excuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple? Uncle Al: Who? Dwight: The bride and groom? What are their names? Uncle Al: Oh, I--I don’t, uh... I’m not sure. Dwight: Oh, I get it, I get it. Come on, freeloader, let’s move it. Come on. Come on. Uncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going? Dwight: Gotta find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend. Uncle Al: Oh! [Michael approaches Phyllis] Michael: Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfect-er? Phyllis: Oh, it’s beautiful. Why don’t you find your seat, and enjoy the buffet. Michael: I’m already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back. Phyllis: It’s fish. Michael: I will take care of that. Michael: I do--I know a fair amount about fine food, and drink. Um... [brings his glass of wine to his nose and swirls, sniffs loudly] This is a white. Kevin: No, this is not our first wedding. This is the third wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist’s wedding and our guitarist’s wedding. [Kevin on stage at the drum set] Kevin: Attention, everyone. Attention, please. Uh, I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. [camera pans to Dwight who looks slightly confused] Kevin: It is a very serious situation. [sings The Police's Roxanne] Roxanne, You don’t have to put on your red light. [Roy gets up and sits next to Pam] Roy: Hey. Pam: Hey. Roy: I know I normally don’t notice these kind of things, but, uh… This wedding’s really nice. I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste. Pam: You’re kidding me, right? Roy: I know you’re probably not going to remember this, but, um, those color roses... I got you those color roses for our prom. Pam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding. Roy: [chuckles] I guess I wasn’t really too involved in the planning. Pam: Yeah. Roy: Sorry about that. Pam: It’s okay. Roy: Well, you think this sucks for you? I'm the one who actually wanted to get married. [Uncle Al stands at a crossing, starts crossing a road, car horns honks] [Phyllis and Bob Vance sit at the bridal table] Randy: Phyllis, you’re a wonderful woman. And you’re a hell of a bowler! [crowd cheers and claps] Randy: Cheers! Crowd: Cheers! Michael: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Michael Scott, and for the next forty minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster’s Dictionary defines “wedding” as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something? I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Michael Scott, Phyllis’ boss. To quote from The Princess Bride, [with speech impediment] “Mawige…" Michael: The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones. Michael: Phyllis and Bob-- their celebrity couple name would be "Phlob." You look at her, and she’s kind of matronly today. But back in High School, I swear, her nickname was "Easy Rider". Now, as for Bob… Bob Vance-- Bob Vance: [gets up to stop Michael] Oh, okay. That’s enough. Michael: Is a guy that-- Bob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me… Michael: He works-- Okay hold on. Hold on, hold on. Look, um.... I didn’t say anything when Phyllis’ dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this, okay? Bob Vance: Give me the microphone. Michael: No, I’m not going to. Bob Vance: Give me… Give me the microphone, Michael. It's okay. Michael: Okay, good. Bob Vance: You’re outta here! Michael: You’re outta here! You’re-- I hate you! [Scrantonicity plays The Police's Message in a Bottle, Pam walks up to Jim at the bar] Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey! Jim: When are we gonna get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? Pam: Oh… I’m pacing myself. Jim: Come on, get out there! Give the people what they want. Pam: No. I’m such a dorky dancer. Jim: I know! It’s very cute. Jim: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then… No, it’s totally hypothetical. [Michael tries to sneak back into the wedding hiding behind a bridesmaid, Dwight grabs him] Michael: Come--come on! Dwight: I can’t let you in, Michael. Michael: Dwight, just-- Dwight: No, it’s Bob and Phyllis’ orders. Michael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I’m not even gonna dance. One song. Dwight: You are a real-life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I’m sorry. It gives me no pleasure. Michael: Okay. [Sting's Fields of Gold plays, Pam sit by herself and watches Jim and Karen dance, Pam gets up and walks away] [Scrantonicity plays Jewel's Dream, Pam stands near the buffet by herself, Roy approaches] Roy: Hey. They’re playing our song, huh? Pam: Yeah, that’s weird. I thought they only played the Police. Roy: I know. I, uh… I gave 'em twenty bucks. You wanna dance? [Roy takes Pam's hand and they walk outside to slow dance together] [camera pans down to show Dwight and Angela dancing together] [Michael sits by himself outside and sings to himself Michael: [sings] You were meant for me, And I was meant for you, Ba-ba-dum-bum [Roy and Pam dance together] Roy: [to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here? Pam: [nods] [Jim sees Pam and Roy leave holding hands] Jim: Here’s a non-hypothetical. I’m really happy I’m with Karen. [Karen sings The Police's Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic] Karen: [sings] Every little thing she does is magic, Every little thing she do just turns me on, Even though my life before was tragic, Now I know my love for her goes on, Every… [Phyllis prepares to throw her bouquet] Women: One, two, three! Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan runs out in front and knocks them out of Kelly’s hands, Toby’s date gets them] Toby: Toby! Yeah! [Michael talks to Uncle Al outside] Michael: I just want Phyllis to have a great day. Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together. Michael: We are great together. We are a great team. Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team. Michael: Yes, yes... they were. Robert Parrish. I should talk to her. I don’t want this to ruin her honeymoon. Uncle Al: Well, nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn’t know. Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head. [crowds cheers, as they leave the venue] Michael: Phyllis... Phyllis, wait, please? I’m sorry. I just--I just wanted to make this a day to remember. Phyllis: You found Uncle Al! Michael: Yeah, yeah. He’s kind of a weirdo. Phyllis: Thank you, Michael. Michael: You’re-- Phyllis: [kisses Michael on the cheek] Michael: You’re welcome. Michael: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say, "let them eat cake". Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad. [Bob Vance handfeeds Phyllis a piece of their wedding cake, everyone watches on] Michael: Be careful. Oh, no! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other’s face] [crowd laughs] Michael: Oh, wow! Phyllis, Phyllis! [runs up to them with a napkin] Come on. You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [crowd goes silent] Oh! [smears cake on his own face]