Business School
Written By: Brent Forrester Directed By: Joss Whedon Transcribed By: Admin [Michael sits on a chair outside of his office, Kevin enters the office] Michael: Oh, hey, Kevin. Nice of you to join us. Where were you? Kevin: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael. Michael: Uh-huh. Kevin: I almost died. I--I went into this skid— Michael: Pop quiz. Kevin: What? Michael: Why is today a special day? Kevin: I almost died. Michael: Today’s a special day, because I am being honored as a visiting professor... special lecturer, emeritus… How did you--How did you put it? Ryan: You will be a guest speaker in my Emerging Enterprises class. Michael: In business school, Kevin. Business school. Kevin: Wow. Ryan: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So… I’d be stupid not to do it, right? Michael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um, and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us. [Michael and Dwight are in Michael's office sorting through books] Michael: Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our… A game. What was the most inspiring thing I’ve ever said to you? Dwight: “Don’t be an idiot.” Changed my life. Dwight: Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing. [Ryan drives, Michael sits in the passenger seat] Michael: Will they throw their hats, you think? Ryan: What? Michael: A lot of times, at a school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air. Ryan: Y-You understand nobody’s graduating. Michael: Yeah, I know, I know. I’m just saying if they did throw their hats, I’ve got a great line for that. “May your hats fly as high as your dreams.” Thought it was a pretty good line. Ryan: Just--it doesn’t apply. Michael: I understand. Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you’re such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Ryan: God, I'm driving! Michael: Whoa, hey! Ryan: Quit it! Michael: We have fun. [Roy leans over the reception desk and talks to Pam] Roy: I can’t for your art show tonight. Pam: Okay, just so you know, it’s just the students from my class in a little studio. Roy: I--I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Pam: Thanks. Pam: I’m really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. Is that braggy? I don’t mean it to be braggy. [Roy and Pam at reception] Roy: Love ya. Pam: You too. Jim: Pam’s with Roy. I’m with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin’ on. [Kelly and Pam talk in the annex] Kelly: I can’t believe you’re back together with Roy! Pam: Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know. Kelly: Oh, my God. You’re so in love now. Pam: Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way. [hands flyer to Kelly] Kelly: Oh, art show! Pam: I mean, it’s not a big deal. But I think a lot of people from the office are gonna be there. Kelly: Oh… yeah. Definitely, I’ll be there, for sure. [Michael and Ryan walk through campus together] Michael: Campus. Brings back so many memories, that I would have made. Hey, frisbee. Check that out. Ohh! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, intercepts frisbee throws frisbee wildly] Whoo! College Student: Dude. [Pam sketches at picture at reception, Dwight is at the printer, and looks towards reception] Dwight: Oh, my God. [crouches down near reception and pokes the carpet with a pencil] Animal stool. [looks up to the ceiling, runs to his drawer and grabs a few items, runs back to reception and jumps on the desk] Pam: Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: Solving a mystery, if that’s quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile, and uses a mirror and flashlight to investigate] Come to, Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. What we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo–-Bat! [falls off the desk] Bat! Bat! Karen: Oh, my God! Dwight: Bat! Bat! No, everyone remain calm! [Meredith screams] Dwight: There it goes! Stanley: [leaves the office with his coat over his head] Good-bye. Angela: [lays face first on the ground] Please don’t let that stupid thing near me-- [Michael waits in the audio room in the lecture theatre as Ryan presents to the class] Michael: Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now. Ryan: Dunder Mifflin can’t compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off… Michael: I can’t hear what he’s saying, but he looks like he’s really into it. [Dwight and other employees look in at the bat locked in the conference room, the bat begins flying] [screams] Dwight: We have a bat in the office. Toby: The simple solution would be to open a window. If we had windows that could open. Angela: [wears a raincoat hood] Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop! [Jim sits at his desk and talks on the phone, Dwight still watches the bat in the conference room] Jim: Okay, thanks. [hangs up phone] Animal control will be here at six. Dwight: At six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership. Jim: [rubs his neck] I’m sorry, what did you say? So weird. Dwight: What? What’s so weird? Jim: The bat. I mean, I know I felt it bite me. But look, there’s no mark. [shows Dwight where his is rubbing his neck] I feel so… tingly. So, strangely powerful… [shrugs] Oh, well. [walks away] [Dwight looks stunned] [Ryan presents to the class and introduces Michael] Ryan: And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott. [classical music plays, Michael enters holding a stereo] Michael: [clears throat] Hello, everyone. I am Michael Scott. Man on Tape: Hello, I'm Tim Robbins, president of The Teaching Company-- Michael [stops tape] And I'd like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone’s textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh, economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn... from books. Replace these pages... with life lessons. And then... you will have a book… that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you’re inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business. Tourism. Food service. Railroads. And sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel. [Dwight sits at his desk making a trap for the bat] Dwight: [sighs] This is your job, Halpert. Jim: Ow! Karen: Oh, what happened? Jim: That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It’s white-hot. Karen: But, Jim, this garlic bread is cold. Jim: What? No. It burned me. I--Bizarre. Dwight: No… no. One crisis at a time. Dwight: If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a “sylvania.” Like Penn-sylvania. Now, that doesn’t mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ. Michael: So... you wanna start a business? How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now, this could be anything. It could be a thingamajig. Or a whosi-whatsi. Or… [pulls out a candy bar] a "Whatchamacallit" [throws bar into crowd]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a "100 Grand" [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied? [Toby and Pam are in the breakroom] Toby: Oh, this looks great. I’d, I’d love to be there, but my daughter’s play is tonight. Damn it! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it. Pam: Oh, no. You should go. Toby: Well, it’s important to support local art. You know. And--and what they do is not art. [Michael continues his talk] Michael: Okay, I’m seeing some confused faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit-- fancy word for money-- you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies. Ryan: Michael-- Michael: And products! Ryan: What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing. Michael: Well, okay. I was just kind of getting it going. Ryan: Yeah, I know: Michael: Um, alright. Okay, well, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up. Business Student #1: Sir, as a company that primarily distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world? Michael: We can’t overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops] [Dwight continues to make a bat trap at his desk, Karen walks over to Jim with aspirin] Karen: Hey, Jim, here’s the aspirin you wanted. Jim: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare. Karen: What glare? Jim: The glare off Angela’s crucifix? It’s blinding. Dwight: I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog. [Dwight stops making his bat trap and walks over to Creed] Dwight: [inhales] [whispers] Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance... Creed: Sure. Dwight: To use sudden violence. Creed: Okay. Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake? Creed: What size? [opens his desk drawer] [Michael's talk continues] Business Student #2: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain? Michael: I say, "You will miss our service. And I absolutely guarantee you’ll come back." Business Student #2: Has anyone ever come back? Michael: We don’t want them back, ’cause they’re… stupid. Business Student #3: How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger? Michael: Nice try, how’s your Pollack-says-what index? Business Student #3: What? Michael: Thanks, Kowalski. Um, can we get on track here? Business Student #1: By your own employee’s calculation, you’ll be obsolete in the next five to ten years. Michael: Wait, Ryan said that? [Kelly looks in the refrigerator in the kitchen, Creed enters and goes to the storage cupboard] Kelly: What are you doing? You better not hurt that little bat. Creed: Animals can’t feel pain. Kelly: Don’t hurt that bat, Creed! It’s a living thing with feelings and a family. Dwight: Flush him towards the door. On my go…now! [Creed opens the conference door and Dwight stands next to him with his bat trap, the bat flies past them and into the office] Dwight: Bat! Kelly: Aah! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! [runs away] Kevin: [locks bat in break room] I… am a hero. [Michael continues his talk] Michael: Yeah, sure, you know business. Sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? I'll tell you one thing. Dunder Mifflin is here to stay. Business Student #2: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain? Michael: David will always beat Goliath. Business Student #1: But there’s five Goliaths. There’s Staples, OfficeMax-- Michael: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda. Global warming. Sex predators. Mercury poisoning. So, do we just give up? Is that what we’re learning in business school? Business Student #1: But in the big picture-- Michael: Dunder Mifflin is the big picture! Can’t you understand that? No, you can’t. You’re too young. Ryan has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he’s a tease. Well, you know what? He doesn’t know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] So, suck on that! [people chatter at the art gallery, Pam stands quietly by her artwork] [Ryan drives, Michael sits in the passenger seat and looks out the window] Ryan: It wasn’t personal. Michael: Business is always personal. It’s the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things. Ryan: Pack my-- Michael: You heard me. Pack your things. [everyone leaves the office, camera pans to Meredith stuck in the womens bathroom] Meredith: I really want to come out! Creed: Good night, Mary Beth! [Dwight fills a cup at the watercooler, Jim quietly stands behind Dwight and startles him, banging into the watercooler] Jim: So… you’re cool to just wait here for Animal Control? Dwight: Animal Control? I’ve been controlling animals since I was six. Jim: Cool, okay. [wraps his coat tighter around himself] I’m gonna go home and lie down. Draw the shades… there’s just so much sun in here. Bye, Dwight. Dwight: Goodbye, Jim. And good luck. [holds up broom with the handle sharpened into a sharp point] [Jim walks to his car, holding his coat over his head to shield himself from sunlight, Dwight watches through the blinds from the conference room] Dwight: Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey. And I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. [puts on paintball mask] Specifically... in the kitchen. [Pam talks to a woman looking at her art] Pam: And it’s all from the same series. Woman: Oh. Pam: Called "Impressions." Woman: Oh. Pam: Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se. Woman: But maybe one day. Pam: I hope so. Woman: Hmm. Pam: I still need, you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [woman leaves, Roy enters] Pam: Hey, babe, how are you? Roy: Good. Look who I brought, my brother, huh? Pam: Hey, Kenny. Kenny: Hey Pam. Roy: Hey. How ’bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That’s pretty cool, huh? [Dwight stands outside the kitchen] Dwight: Magic time. [pulls out garbage bag] [shouts and runs into the kitchen] [mixed screams and shouts] Dwight: [places garbage bag over Meredith's head] Meredith: My hair! Aah, get off! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Dwight: Hold still, woman! Meredith: Oh, my God, my God! Dwight:[captures bat in bag] You’re welcome. [Kevin and Roy leave Pam's art exhibit] Roy: It’s cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them. Pam: Yeah, I’ll just-- I’ll drive myself home. Roy: To my place? Pam: Maybe. I’m a little tired. Roy: Your art was the prettiest art of all art. Pam: Thank you. [Ryan cleans out his desk as Michael stands behind him] Ryan: Look.. I’m sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation. And of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don’t have to fire me. Michael: Fire you? No, no, no. You are moving to the annex. Ryan: To the annex? Where Kelly is? Michael: A good manager doesn’t fire people. He hires people and inspires people. People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business. [Oscar looks at Pam's art as Gil stands-by] Oscar: You’re the one who said we needed more culture. Gil: This is culture to you? Oscar: It’s her first try. [Pam walks up behind Oscar and Gil and overhears their conversation] Gil: Yeah, on Van Gogh’s first try, he drew the hands of the peasants. Oscar: Meaning what? Gil: Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And--and honesty. Oscar: Well, those aren’t Pam’s strong points. Gil: Yeah, exactly. That’s why this is motel art. [Pam looks on shocked] [Pam's art exhibit comes to a close] Artist: Thanks for coming. [Pam begins to remove her artwork from the wall, Michael enters] Michael: Pam-casso! Sorry I’m late. I had to race across town. Pam: Oh, Michael. Michael: Wow! You did these, freehand? Pam: Yep. Michael: My God, these could be tracings. Oh. Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] How much? Pam: What do you mean? Michael: I don’t see a price. Pam: Um, you wanna buy it? Michael: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there’s my window. And there’s my car! Is that your car? Pam: Uh-huh. Michael: [exhales] That is our building. And we sell paper. I am really proud of you. Pam: [hugs Michael] Thank you. Michael: What? Pam: Do you have something in your pocket? Michael: A Chunky. Do you want half? Pam: No, thank you. Michael: Okay. [Michael hangs up new artwork on a wall in the office] Michael: It is… a message. It is an inspiration, it is a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera. [Ryan unpacks his items at the desk across from Kelly. Kelly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [hugs Ryan] Ryan: It’s only temporary, okay? Don’t get excited. Kelly: I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t…