Cocktails
Written By: Paul Leiberstein Directed By: J.J. Abrams Transcribed By: Admin [Michael is in his office as Dwight straps him into a straightjacket] Michael: Can you confirm that the straps are tight? Dwight: [grabs at straps near Michael's crotch] Michael: [groans] Dwight: Yes. But this one's a little... Michael: And now, the chains! Michael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that’s why so many other people in my class were kids. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s, um, it’s really for anybody with a dream, and a belief in magic, and a little extra time after school. [Michael slowly rises up from behind the reception desk in his straightjacket, there is clearly something in his mouth] Michael: [whispers and echoes himself] Magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic... [loudly] And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Michel: Can he do it? I don’t see how he can. Dwight: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath. Michael: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. Three! Jim: Sorry, quick thing. So, is it true that if you can’t get out, you don’t want anyone to help you? Michael: I will get out. Oh, yes, I will. Pam: So, we shouldn’t help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead? Michael: No, alright, just-- this is getting hot. So, let’s just do this. Okay, ready? Three! Two! One! Go! [Michael jumps around and shakes his head, turning his back to everyone, spits out key and tries to grab with his hand, he drops it, Jim covers it with his foot, Michael stops and looks around for the key] Michael: Aah! Kevin: Is everything okay, Michael? Michael: Yes. [Michael, still in the straightjacket, starts rubbing his back against the window to his office, he falls over a pot plant onto a sofa, he spins on the ground, locks himself the office and lays on the ground attempting to close the blinds with his feet] Michael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician’s code. [cuts to Michael in his office, still in his straightjacket looking disheveled] Michael: Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key… [Michael and Dwight exit Michael's office] Michael: Alright. Dwight: [trumpet sounds] Michael: Ready? Come on, guys, early worm gets the worm. Jim: Another worm? Like, are they friends? Dwight: It’s early bird gets the worm. Michael: Okay. [breathes into hand] Pam, would you smell my breath? Pam: No, no. Dwight: Let me smell. Michael: [breathes into Dwight's face] Dwight: Good, not great. Michael: “Michael, you go to parties all the time. Why is tonight so special?” Well, tonight is so special because my boss’s boss’s boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So, it’s kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special. [Michael approaches Jim at his desk] Michael: Jimbo, last chance to carpool. Jim: Oh, no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car. Michael: Sure? Might be a good idea. Jim: Yeah. Michael: Go in together, could save some gas. Have fun. Long trip! Jim: Thanks. Michael: Play some games? Jim: Oh. Um... no, we’re good. Michael: I spy? Jim: Yeah. Jim: Why don’t I wanna go? Didn’t expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um... [clears throat] I don’t know any of these people. It’s an obligation. I don’t like talking paper in my free time. [softly] Or in my work time. And... did I use the word "pointless?" [Michael drives, Dwight sits in the passenger seat] Dwight: Thanks for inviting me along. Michael: Oh, sure. Really didn’t give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [cellphone rings, Michael answers the call] [talks in a baby voice] Heh-woh, you! Jan: Michael? Michael: Hey, Buttercup. Jan: Hi. Michael: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15-- Jan: Let’s just blow this party off. Michael: That’s what she said. Jan: Yeah. Am I on speaker phone? Michael: Ah, yes you are. Jan: Is anybody else in the-- Dwight: Hello, Jan. Jan: Hi, Dwight. Okay, Michael, take me off speaker phone. Michael: No le problem. [phone beeps, speakerphone doesn't turn off] Jan: Okay. Let’s, just go to a motel-- Michael: Okay! Jan: And just, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica. Michael: Okay. Hey, Jan? Jan, this party is actually a really big step for us. So, I-- Jan: Still on speaker? Michael: Ummm… I don’t know. Jan: Are camera’s there? Michael: Maybe. Jan: [hastily] All right, see you soon. Michael: Okay. Dwight: Talk to you later, Jan! Michael: Alright, bye. Pam: Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are gonna go to Poor Richard’s for happy hour, you should come. Roy: I can’t. My brother, he just unloaded the Jet Skis and he kinda took a bath, so… we’re gonna go get hammered. Pam: Okay, well, we’re going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I’m serious. If you’re gonna be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things. Roy: Okay. Pam: I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, 'cause ol’ Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don’t call me Pammy. [Michael and Dwight pull up to David Wallace's house] Michael: Beauty. [Dwight passes Michael a container] Michael: Thank you, sir. Dwight: Ensalada. Michael: Thank you. [Michael sees the waiters and realises he's dressed similarly] Dwight: You're dressed exactly like the servants. Michael: Shut up. Okay, change shirts with me. Dwight: Wait. I don’t think yours will fit me. [Michael and Dwight get unchanged and swap shirts behind a delivery van] Michael: I don’t care. Ah... wow. Here. Don’t put my jacket- Don’t give me that. Dwight: That would have been really embarrassing. Michael: Yes. Dwight: Crisis averted. Michael: Okay. [Wild Cherry's Play That Funky Music plays, everyone enters Poor Richards, Pam walks past a claw machine and sees a stuffed duck] Pam: Oh. That duck is so cute. [Toby stops at the claw machine and begins playing] Kevin: Hey, Pam. Pam: Hey, guys. Kevin: Oscar. Angela. [David Wallace's wife (Rachel) answers the door in dressing gown and hair in a wrap] Michael: Uh, hi! Michael: Actually, it’s polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend. [Michael and Dwight are inside the house with Rachel] Michael: Oh! Uh, potato salad. [passes Rachel a container] Rachel: Oh. Dwight: That’s from both of us. Michael: No, it’s not. Dwight: It's my bowl. Rachel: Wonderful. Let’s, uh, see where we can put this. [walks over to a table with silverware] Okay. Michael: Oh, you know, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here. Michael: [whispering] It’s been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise... Just... you never know. [everyone sits down at Poor Richards] Pam: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet? Kevin: Yeah. Kelly: Oh, my God, when is it? Kevin: It’s complicated. I would appreciate some space on this. Roy: Hey. [Roy enters the pub with Kenny] Pam: Hey. You made it. Roy: Yeah, you said it was important, so… Pam: It is. Roy: How’s it going? Kenny: What’s up, Pam? Pam: Hey, Kenny. Sorry about the Jet Skis. Roy: [clears throat and does a 'cut it' gesture and shakes his head] You guys, uh, want a round? On me? Everyone: Yeah. Roy: Yeah? [pats Kenny on the chest] Let's get you a drink. Kenny: Thanks, man. I'm thirsty. Angela: No, thank you, Roy. Kelly: You should get a round, Ryan. [Dwight stands at the buffet eating] Dwight: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces. [Jan looks for something in her car, Michael waits] Michael: Whatcha looking for? Did you bring dip? Jan: I’m sure that it’s catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. [passes Michael papers] It’s a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR. Michael: Awesome. I’m gonna frame mine. I could frame yours too. Jan: You realize this is--this is a legal document that says you can’t sue the company? Michael: Over our love. Jan: I’ve... never told you that I love you. Michael: You don’t have to, Jan. This contract says it all. Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What’s the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. [Jan looks through the papers] Jan: What’s this over the “I”? Michael: It’s a heart. [Jan stares blankly at Michael Jan: Why is this so hard? That’s what she said. Oh, my God. What am I saying? [Michael and Jan walk across the yard to David Wallace's house] Michael: [shouts and raises his arms] I love this woman! Jan: Oh, no, Michael, please. Michael, please. [Dwight speaks to a guest at the party] Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? Dan Gore: No. Dwight: No? Then you are an idiot. [Rachel greets Michael and Jan] Rachel: Hello, Michael. Michael: Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It’s weird. So… David: Jan, glad you could make it. Jan: Oh, of course, of course, David. Do you remember, uh, Michael Scott? David: Of course I do. Jan: From the Scranton Branch. Michael: Jan and I are lovers. That feels so good to finally say that out loud. Jan: David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please? Rachel: Excuse me. Michael: Okay. [Pam orders beers at the bar] Pam: Oh. [notices the label on the bottle] [starts to walk away, turns around] No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a light. Bartender: Oh, sorry. [the party continues] Man: So did the merger go smoothly, or... Michael: It did. "Like butter." Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them. Karen: I’m the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management. Michael: Yeah, but you’re great now, right? We’re all great. [grabs Jan's hand and looks at her] Aren’t we great? Jan: We’re good. [Michael leans in to kiss Jan] Jan: Michael, st--please stop that, okay? [Rachel and David approach the group] Rachel: Uh, can I get anyone anything? Michael: I could go for an appe-tease-err, yep. Jan: Martini, please. Michael: Bagel bites or something. Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful. Rachel: Thank you. Dwight: What’s the square footage? David: About five thousand. Dwight: Does that include the garage? Michael: Dwight-- Jim: Wow. Michael: That’s not appropriate. Dwight: I’m just-- David: I don’t know Dwight: It’s a common question. Michael: David, how much did this house cost? [Jim nearly spits out his drink] Dwight: These old colonials are great... when they’re sound. I’d love to, uh, take a look around. Rachel: I’ll show you around, sure. Dwight: Cool, let’s start with the banisters. Karen: Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall? Jim: Mm. Yep. Karen: That’s Drake. And just so you know, I--I don’t wanna be weird or anything, but, um, we use to date. Jim: Oh. Okay, cool. Thanks for telling me. Karen: And it didn’t end well. Jim: Gotcha. Alright. [camera zooms to Dwight in the background banging on the banisters, Rachel stands on watching in shock] [David, Michael and Jan drink scotch in a sitting room with others] David: This was a gift... from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch. Michael: Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently] Jan: Are you okay? Michael: Yeah. Do you have any ice? David: Sure. Michael: How about some Splenda? [everyone plays a drinking game at the pub] Roy: One, two, three, Up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here. Kenny: Where? Roy: On this side. Kevin: No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [points to Meredith and Kelly’s hands] Ryan: I think I heard it on Roy’s side. Kevin: No, it is here. Ryan: [taps Meredith and Kelly’s hands] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here. Kevin: Good thing you didn’t listen to me. Ryan: Yeah, close one. Roy: [taps one of Stanley’s hands and one of Pam’s] Not here. Not here. It’s either here or here. [stares at Pam] Not here. [points at Stanley’s hand] Kenny: Yes! Pam: Nice job. Roy: I can read you like a book. Pam: Oh, yeah? Roy: You can’t keep anything from me. [laughter] Kenny: Bottom's up. [Creed sits at the bar, kids enter the bar, obviously younger than 21 years old] Student 1: Hey, Creed. Creed: Hey! Student 2: What's up, Creed Creed: What are you guys doing here? Ah, hello Student 2: You’re the man, buddy. Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff’s station. [Dwight bangs on the wall] Dwight: Huh. Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. Rachel: [laughs softly] Dwight: What’s in here? [opens door] Rachel: Uh, that’s a guest room. Dwight: Just the one window? [the house phone rings] Rachel: Oh, I must get that. You’ll have to excuse me. Dwight: Are those real pearls? Rachel: Uh, yes. They're... [walks away and sighs] Dwight: [tests smoke detector, the alarm beeps] Good. [Jim and Karen sit on a lounge, and finish a conversation with another couple] Jim: Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care. Karen: Well, if you’re wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it’s because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated. Jim: Oh. Hadn’t noticed. Karen: Really? I thought it was so obvious. I’m glad it didn’t make you uncomfortable. Jim: No, it was before I knew you, so... it's fine. [Michael, Jan and David stand together, Michael holds a lit candle to his nose] Michael: Wow, this one really smells like vanilla. Check that out. Jan: It’s nice. Michael: You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas. Jan: I... Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family. Michael: Oh, yeah. They don’t allow kids at Sandals. They are--are persona non gratis-- Jan: [softly] Please stop. Michael. There... uh. But it’s fun. It’s an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo. Jan: [sighs] David, I'm sorry. You’re just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes, sorry. Michael: Okay, okay. [Jan drags Michael away by the arm] Michael: Excuse me. What’s going on? What is it? Jan: Sorry. Michael: What's--what's the matter? What's-- Jan: Come here. [pushes Michael against a wall] Just--just--just--just... [kisses Michael] Michael: [laughs] What are you doing? Jan: Don’t you know what I’m doing? Michael: Yes, but you could tell me. [laughs] What are--what is that? Why are you--why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy. Jan: Shut up. [bathroom door slams] [Michael and Jan continue in the bathroom] Michael: What has gotten into you? Jan: Come on. Michael: No, no, no, no! Jan: What? Michael: Come on, let’s go back to the party. Jan: Come on, wait, just let me loosen my dress. Michael: Don’t take that dress--no! Stop it! Stop it, Jan. Jan: Michael. Michael: No, no. No, means please don’t. Means-- Jan: Slam me up against the wall, right here. Michael: I’m not gonna slam you against anything. Jan: Oh, please, I want you so-- Michael: You’re acting inappropriate. Jan. Jan: Oh, I’m acting inappropriate? Michael: Yeah. Jan: Forget it, get out of my way. [Jan exits the bathroom] [Pam sits by herself at the bar, Toby sits down next to her with a toy stuffed duck] Toby: Here. [hands Pam the toy duck] Pam: Hey. Where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you. Toby: I was… Pam: Hey, don’t you have a daughter? [hands Toby back the duck] Toby: [takes duck back] Yes. [Dwight rocks in a wooden chair while David son sleeps in his bed, he wakes up] Dwight: Oh, good, you’re up. Hey, who makes this chair? Child: I don’t know, it was here when I was born. Dwight: Hmm. I want one. It’s really good, solid construction. Comfortable. [knocks on the wood] What is this? Oak? Child: I don’t know. Dwight: What do you know? [Karen looks at another guests tie, Jim stands in the background watching on, David approaches] David: God, I hate these parties. You wanna sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes. [Jim talks to Karen] Jim: You stay here and have fun, 'cause I’m gonna go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace. Karen: Okay. Oh, um, don’t mention that you and I are dating 'cause I think he might still have feelings for me. Jim: Wallace? What the hell? Have you dated, like every guy here? [Karen smiles and laughs] Jim: Wow. Okay. You got me. Karen: I so got you. Jim: So, none of them. Karen: Of course not. I mean, you’re kind of, like, my first. Jim: Really? Karen: Oh, my God, it’s so easy. It's not even fun. Jim: Okay. [walks away] Karen: Hey, Jan. Jan: Not too good. Rachel: Did you get a chance to try Michael’s homemade potato salad? Michael: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad, and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It’s funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It’s just potatoes and mayonnaise. There's something wrong with Jan. [David and Jim shoot hoops in the backyard] David: What’s, uh, what’s with Jan and Michael? Jim: I don’t know. Where to begin? [both laugh] [an item falls from the roof, Dwight is on the roof inspecting the chimney, Jim and David look up at him in shock] Jim: My ball. Dwight: The chimney's in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so, all in all... it was a pretty fun cocktail party. [Roy and Pam sit at the bar together] Roy: What? Pam: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start. Roy: That’s awesome. That’s what I want. Pam: Okay, but in order for us to make it, there can’t be any secrets between us. Roy: I--I didn’t do anything. Ask anybody, I totally could have and I didn’t at all. Pam: Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim. Roy: What? Pam: He told me how he felt, and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed. Roy: Jim came on to you? Pam: Just listen. Roy: No, I am listening! That’s the problem, I'm listening! Pam: Don’t yell. Roy: Don’t yell?! [throws his glass at a mirror] Pam: This is over. [leaves] Roy: Yeah, you’re right, this is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God! Kenny: [picks up barstool and smashes it over the bar] Damn Jet Skis! [Michael and Jan drive] Michael: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle… Jan: I feel sick. Michael: You didn’t have any of the potato salad, did you? Jan: You know, we were good when we were just running around. You know, in secret. It was wrong, and it was exciting. And, maybe it was a mistake to take it public. Michael: Well, if that’s the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly. Jan: Michael. Michael: Greatly. Jan: Please don’t cry. Michael: [choked up] I’m not going to cry. I feel like it, but I am not going to. Why don’t you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces. Jan: It was never a love contract, Michael. And besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him. Michael: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights, and the tickling, and the giggling. Jan: I didn’t mean it, okay? I was… Michael: Whatever. Jan: I was tired. I’m tired. And I didn’t eat enough. Michael: You did mean it. Jan: And--and, that’s all. That was it. Michael: That’s it, you didn’t mean it? Jan: That’s all. No, I didn’t it. Michael: So... Jan: That’s all. Michael: Okay. Jan: I’m just saying I didn’t mean it. Michael: I love you, Jan. Jan: Okay. [Dwight appears from the backseat] Dwight: Don’t break up, you guys. Michael: [sighs] Dwight: You’re great together. [Roy sits on the ground outside Poor Richards Pub, Kenny exits] Roy: Are they gonna call the cops? Kenny: No, I paid them off. Roy: Jet Ski money? Kenny: All of it. Roy: I’m gonna kill Jim Halpert.