Safety Training
Written By: B.J. Novak Directed By: Harold Ramis Transcribed By: Admin [Andy enters the office with a box of his belonging] Andy: Good morning, Pam. Pam: Oh, welcome back, Andy. Andy: Drew. I’m Drew now. Pam: Oh... Drew. Sorry. Andy: Apology not accepted. Because it wasn’t even necessary in the first place. [laughs] Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. [cut to shot of Andy punching a hole in the wall] But after five weeks in Anger Management, I’m back. And I’ve got a new attitude. And a new name. And… a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies. [Andy continues to walk through the office with his belongings] Andy: Mornin’ Jim. Jim: Hey, Andy. How are you, man? Andy: Good. Drew. Jim: What’s that? Andy: Dr-- You can call me Drew. Jim: No, I’m not gonna call you that. Andy: Cool. I can’t control what you do. I can only control what I do. Jim: Andy. Andy: Drew. [walks to Dwight] Dwight. How’s it goin', man? Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday. For not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna. Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned. Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug. Dwight: Okay, tell him that’s not true. Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks. Andy: You guys… [begins to walk away] Dwight: Okay, no, Jim... tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him! Jim: [half-heartedly] Andy... Nah, that’s too far. Dwight: Damn you. Michael: Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yuck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl’s presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity. [Darryl uses crutches and presents the Safety Training] Darryl: Now, this is the forklift. You need-- [Michael rattles it] Darrly: You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can’t drive it. Quiz! Mike. Michael: Hmm? Darryl: Should you drive the forklift? Michael: I can, and I have. Darryl: No! No, no, no, no! I said should you? You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift. You understand? Lonny: You’re not allowed to drive the forklift. Darryl: It’s not safe. You don’t have a license. Michael: Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. [points] Pudge has driven the forklift. Madge: Madge. Michael: I thought your name was Pudge? Madge: No, it’s always been Madge. Michael: Okay. Um, her. Darryl: Her. Yes, “her” is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay? Michael: Ah... fine. Darryl: Do you understand that? Michael: Yesh. Darryl: We do safety training every year, or after an accident. We’ve never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled... Michael: [barely keeping his composure] “Hey, Darryl, how’s it hangin’?” [laughs] Darryl: And I fell and busted my ankle, and... I’m legitimately scared for my workers. [Darryl continues the Safety Training] Darryl: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat. Dwight: Yeah! Andy: It’s on! Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler? Michael: Bail’er? I hardly know her. Lonny: Damn it, Michael. Pay attention, man. Darryl: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody? Kevin: Five bucks says it’s over fifty. Jim: You really wanna bet? Darryl: Anybody? Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored. Guy: How many? Jim: Okaym , you’re on. Darryl: Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them? Kevin: [mouths] Damn… [counts out cash] Darryl: You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful… Jim: No, don’t worry about it. We’ll just got double or nothin’. Kevin: On what? Jim: I don’t know, we’ll figure somethin’ out. Kevin: Nice. Oscar: What are you guys talkin’ about? Darryl: These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers, Michael... should not go anywhere near them. Michael: Yes, yes. But it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world-- Darry: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so. Lonny: What the hell is wrong with this man? Michael: It’s a big, red trash compactor. Lonny: What are you-- Darryl: It’s not a trash compactor! It’s a baler! Lonny: Don’t disrespect the baler! Michael: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. Only on the rarest of occasions-- Darryl: No, do not touch it! Michael: Would I go near-- Darryl: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay? [everyone is in the office for Toby to present his Safety Training] Michael: Toby now has the floor. And he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go! Toby: Okay, um... one thing you’re gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It’s recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, um, you’re gonna want to get up out of your chairs and, uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour. Michael: Yes, good, fine. Like stretching and… Toby: Um... yeah. You’re computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes. So, uh, it’s also recommended that you step away for about--about ten minutes every hour. Michael: Wow, that is--that time really adds up. That’s like an half an hour, every hour? Darryl: Take them at the same time. Michael: Okay, you know what? You’re making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes, computers can explode. Can they not? Toby: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty. Ryan: What about a long-sleeve tee? Toby: Well, that’ll work. Kevin: Long johns? A shawl? Toby: You know, anything that warms you. Michael: Okay, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to warehouse guys] Sorry, he is very lame. [takes book from Toby] Um... let’s see. “Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.” Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with. Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain’t it? Michael: Okay, guys, you know what? I didn’t--I didn’t interrupt when you were having your presentation. Darryl: Actually, you did. Michael: Yes. Okay, let’s do another one. This is a good one. “A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary lifestyle, which can contribute--" Toby: Sedentary. Michael: Yes. “Which can contribute to heart disease.” Heart disease kills more people than balers. Lonny: That’s called having a fat butt, Michael. Michael: Mmmm, no, no, it’s-- sedentary-- Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That’s, that’s fat butt disease. That’s what you suffer from? Michael: No, I-- Lonny: Fat butt disease, Michael? Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh, like, a thousand pounds. Lonny: Yeah, I bet you’d like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn’t you? Kelly: Ryan? Lonny: Dude, please, tell your girl to shut up. Kelly: What?! Ryan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please, apologize. Kelly: Are you kidding me? Darryl: Alright, we outta here. Michael: Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I-- Lonny: Yeah, but ours was real, Michael. Michael: Yes. Darryl: That’s what we been trying to tell you, Mike. It’s serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin’ on your biscuit. Never havin’ to risk it. Michael: Okay… What, Nerf isn’t cool anymore? Michael: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal. I worked in a warehouse-- Men’s Warehouse. I was a greeter. I’d like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make ’em feel like wimps. Not me. I… “Hello, I’m Michael. Welcome to Men’s Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.” This is one example. [Pam holds a jar of jellybeans, and shows Kevin, Jim and Oscar] Kevin: Ten. Oscar: Really, ten? That’s your guess? You’re a professional accountant. Jim: There’s, like, ten green ones. Oscar: Forty-two. Jim: I’m gonna say fifty. Karen: Fifty-one. Jim: Oh, don’t be that person. Kevin: That is lame. Karen: It’s a strategy. Pam: It’s called being smart. Karen: Thank you. Kevin: Oh, jeez. Pam: I don’t know how the whole betting thing started, but it’s fun. [Pam empties the jellybeans on reception, and counts] Pam: Ten. Jim: Kev’s out. Kevin: Damn it. Pam: forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine! Jim wins! Everyone: Oh! [Jim claps] Kevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. Jim: Okay... okay. Kevin: No, constantly-- like, for years. Jim: Okay. [Michael sits at his computer, Pam sits across from him] Michael: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right? Pam: I... don’t understand the question. Michael: "Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide." I mean, this is really serious stuff. Pam: Yeah… Michael: I--I--Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler. And yet those guys are makin’ fun of me. Calling me a Nerf. That-- Pam: It’s really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals. Michael: Yeah… you are… Ah, so right. They had visual aide. And all we had were the facts. You don’t go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight. And you know science. Pam: So, you’re okay? Michael: Indubitably. [Michael talks to Dwight in the hallway] Michael: They use props. They use visual aids. And they just made us look like dopes. Dwight: Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!? Michael: I don’t know, I don’t know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression-- Dwight: Wolves. Michael: Nn-- Depression. Dwight: Visual aids. Michael: Yes. Dwight: A quilt--depression quilt? Michael: No time to sew a quilt. I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store. [Dwight walks away] [Michael stands on a trampoline outside the office building] Michael: You may be asking yourself, “What am I doing on a trampoline?” Well, I thought I’d bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. [imitates Borat] Not! Here’s the plan. Dwight is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we’re going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where’s Michael? Oh, my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, “Hey! You ever seen a suicide?” And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note--they might think, “Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.” But that’s not why I’m doing this. Then I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner. Ta-freakin’-da! [Dwight nods] [Ryan sits at his old desk, as Kelly talks to him] Kelly: So, then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five-- [Ryan checks his watch] Kelly: Number three becomes number two. Etcetera, etcetera. And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. [Karen lays money down on the desk next to Ryan] Kelly: And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see love actually again-- [Phyllis throws her money down] Kelly: But it’s at the bottom of the queue! Oh, no! what do I do!? [Creed throws his money down] Kelly: What I do, is this. I go online, I go click, click, click. And I change the order of the queue, so that I can see Love Actually-- [Pam throws her money down] Kelly: As soon as I want to. It’s so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? [Jim throws his money down] Ryan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money] Kelly: You’re such a ditz. Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said “awesome” twelve times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies. [Dwight and Michael are on the roof, looking down at the trampoline in the parking lot] Dwight: Okay, let’s do this thing! I’ll go summon the troops! Michael: Maybe we should test this first, Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or… Dwight: We measured it once. Michael: Go buy some watermelons. Dwight: Seedless? Michael: Just… [everyone watches Creed at his desk as he takes a bite of an apple, and places it beside him on his desk] Toby: Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato. Pam: Hey, Creed. Creed: Hey! Pam: Hey. Creed: Hello. [Jim replaces Creed’s apple with a potato][Creed takes a bite of the potato] Pam: Yes! Kevin: Here you go. [hands money] Toby: Nice. Karen: I don’t know this place as well as I thought I did. I’m getting cleaned out. [Michael and Dwight stand on the office roof, Dwight holds a watermelon] Dwight: Ready? Michael: Let’s do it! Drop that sucker. Dwight: [drops the watermelon onto the trampoline] Michael: Yeah, bingo! [the watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds] Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, crap! Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess. Dwight: Okay. Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it’s Stanley’s, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes. Dwight: Got it. Michael: Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler. Dwight: We’re not allowed to use the baler. Michael: Have Patch do it... or the sea monster. Dwight: I’m on it! [runs away] Michael: Eh... [Dwight lingers by Andy's desk, grabs a book from the shelf behind him and pretends to read it] Dwight: [quietly] I’m temporarily lifting the shun. Andy: Thank you. Dwight: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me. Andy: Anything. Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and, or castle. Andy: You mean a moon bounce? Dwight: What do you think? You’ve got an hour. Andy: I’m gonna need-- I’m gonna need petty cash. Dwight: Shunning resumed. Andy: Do you--do you want a drawbridge? Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun. [Dwight and Michael look at the moon bounce from the office roof] Dwight: Oh, yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision. Michael: Yes. Thank you for seeing that. Dwight: When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults. Michael: I don’t know if I wanna do this. Dwight: Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk. Michael: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we’re not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking. Dwight: Right! Doing! Totally doing! Rock n’ roll! Michael: Rock n’ roll! Dwight: Yeah! Michael: That’s right! I am not thinking. Dwight: [imitates the sound and plays an air guitar] Michael: Yes! Yeah! Dwight: [singing] Michael is awesome! Michael: Woo! Dwight: Jumpin’ off the roof! Michael: Woo! Dwight: [singing] Bouncin’ on the bouncy bounce! Show ’em who’s boss! Michael: Woo! Dwight: [singing] Rip a hole in the sun! Michael: Whoo! I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! [Dwight continues air guitar] [Dwight runs into the office] Dwight: [out of breath] Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange! Andy: Whoa, what’s the situation? Dwight: Un-shun. I think he’s suffering from depression. Re-shun. Andy: Okay, when’s the shunning thing gonna end? Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die. Stanley: Is it nice outside? Dwight: It’s gorgeous. Let’s go! Stanley: Do I need my jacket? Dwight: No, really, it’s, it’s very nice. Come on! Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee? Dwight: Everybody’s gonna be fine in exactly what they’re wearing! Let’s go! [Dwight runs into the parking lot] Dwight: Let’s go! [everyone else walks out slowly] Dwight: Come on, hurry up, you guys! Michael: [on the roof] My life! Oh, my life… Dwight: [on megaphone] Michael, what’s wrong? Michael: Everything’s wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression. Dwight: Depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over thirty-two thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study! Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available? Michael: Yes! My head is in such pain and turmoil! Dwight: Don’t do anything rash! Michael: Dwight, where are the warehouse guys? Dwight: I didn’t-- [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn’t think you needed them for this part. Michael: Okay… that’s-- Dwight: You said to just-- Michael: That’s the whole point, dummy. Dwight: Okay, I’m on it! [runs away] Michael: Okay. [Dwight runs into the warehouse and makes an announcement] Dwight: [on megaphone] Attention, blue collar workers! [Pam and Jim talk in the parking lot] Pam: What are the odds that this is in any way real? Jim: I’d say, like, ten-thousand to one? Kevin: Okay, I’d like ten bucks on those odds. Kevin: If someone gives you ten-thousand to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude. [Dwight leads the warehouse workers into the parking lot] Dwight: Michael’s up on the roof and he’s acting strange! Michael: Oh, my life! Dwight: Michael, what’s wrong? Michael: Everything is wrong, Dwight! The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed. Dwight: Depressed? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um... Might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee. Michael: And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof! Jim: Oh, excuse me. It’s my… favorite part. Angela: This is just offensive. Ryan: At least we’re outside. [Creed comes out from the hedge, zipping up his pants] Creed: Hey, check it out. There’s a--there’s a castle over there. Jim: Oh, my God. There is a castle. Dwight: [on megaphone] No, there’s nothing to see over there, people! There’s nothing to see. They found the castle, Michael. Michael: Damn it. [Jim and Pam assess the castle and look up to the roof] Pam: Oh… God. Oh, my God! He’s gonna jump. Jim: Oh. He’s going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself. Pam: Yeah. [Jim runs back out to the parking lot] Jim: Hey uh, Michael. Don’t jump on the bouncy castle. You can’t do that, 'cause you’re going to get horribly, horribly injured. Pam: [on megaphone] Hey, Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it. Michael: What is it? Pam: Come down and open it and you’ll see. Michael: Dwight, find out what the present is. Dwight: Okay, uh… I don’t see anything. She might be bluffing. Jim: Dwight… Pam: Dwight. What are you— Dwight: Oh. It’s, uh... A Repliee Q1 Expo female robot. They’re only available in Japan. Michael: Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it? Darryl: [on megaphone] Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you’re gonna serious hurt yourself. Michael: You told me, that I lead a… cushy, wimpy, Nerf life. Darryl: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for. Michael: What do I have to live for? Darryl: A lot… of things. Uh, you, uh… What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It’s goin’ good, right? Michael: It’s complicated with Jan. And I don’t know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be. Darryl: Mike... you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you. Michael: Do you really mean that? Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I--I ain’t that strong. And I ain’t that brave. Michael: I’m braver than you? Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man. Michael: I Braveheart. I am. Darryl: Come on down, okay? Michael: Okay. Pam, I’m coming down to get my present. Michael: An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That’s the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life--my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.