Product Recall
Written By: Justin Spitzer & Brent Forrester Directed By: Randall Einhorn Transcribed By: Admin [Jim walks into the office dressed like Dwight, and sits at his desk] Jim: It’s kind of blurry. [puts on glasses] That’s better. [exhales] Question. What kind of bear is best? Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question. Jim: False. Black bear. Dwight: Well that’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought-- Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Dwight: Bears do not--What is going on? What are you doing? Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that’s a grand total of… [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven dollars. Dwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So, I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Dwight: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! Jim: Michael! [gets up to walk to Michael's office] Dwight: Oh, that’s funny. Michael! [phones ring in the background, Pam talks on the phone at reception] Pam: Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to Customer Relations? [Jim talks on the phone at his desk] Jim: Absolutely. I couldn’t be more sorry about this. [Phyllis talks on the phone at her desk] Phyllis: I know, I know. We’re all trying to get to the bottom of this. [Stanley talks on the phone at his desk] Stanley: I am upset. Don’t I sound upset? [voices overlap] [Michael talks on the phone at his desk] Michael: It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we’re going to recalling all of that paper. Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our twenty-four-pound cream letter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing… unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan. [Michael addresses everyone in the conference room] Michael: Everybody in here, STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime. Dwight: Cri-Man-Squa? Michael: Crisis Management Squad. Ryan: F and C, doubletime? Michael: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions? Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that? Michael: To save time, Jim. Karen: Actually, I think you could make the argument that it wastes time. Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time. Michael: You know what? Bluh, bluh, bluh, bluh, bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed? Creed: Here. Michael: Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy. Creed: Every week, I’m supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And, of course, the one year I blow it off, this happens. Michael: We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today. Oscar: That’s really not our job. Michael: Midnight, Oscar! Don’t worry, Kelly will be training you first. Angela: Kelly’s training us? Kelly: This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A... [Angela pours pills from a bottle] Angela: I don’t have a headache. I’m just preparing. [Michael continues in the conference room] Michael: Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High School, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids. Jim: Yeah, I gotta call out on that. Michael: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person. Jim: Sure. Michael: I want you to bring a partner. Ryan: I’ll go. Michael: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who’s actually made a sale. Andy, you go. Andy: [English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do. Jim: Yeah, I’m definitely gonna go alone. Michael: No, no. I need two men on this. That’s what she said. No time! But she did. No time! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference. Dwight: Yes! You are entering the, “No Spin Zone!” Pam: We’re having a press conference? Michael: No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves. Dwight: Not. [scoffs] Michael: Here’s the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to O.J. [Michael continues to address everyone in the conference room] Michael: I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story. I will give them a story. Jim: Oh, did the press ask for a story? Michael: Here is your headline. “Scranton-area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done.” Okay? [claps hands] Battle stations, everybody. Let’s go, go, go, go, go, go! [Creed sits at his desk and talks on the phone] Creed: Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn’t there. And I’m trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn’t there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect. Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did… when I was a homeless man. [Kelly addresses the accounting team in the breakroom] Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is 'cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. [Kelly and Kevin clap] Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls. Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot. Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go? Kelly: Okay, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, “Customer Service, this is Kelly!” Except don’t say “Kelly,” say your own name. Or, if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation! Kevin: Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate? Kelly: [in accent] Absolutely! Kevin: [in accent] ‘ello, mate! Kelly: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend. Kevin: [in accent] I like ice cream, too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies. [Andy drives, Jim sits in the passenger seat] Andy: Beer me Jim: What’s that? Andy: Hand me that water. I always say “Beer me.” Gets a laugh, like a quarter of the time. So. how’s what’s-her-name? Jim: You know her name. Andy: Who, Karen? Yeah, she’s only one of my oldest friends. [takes swig of water] Mmm. How’s the apartment hangin’? Jim: It’s fine. Andy: Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet. Jim: What about music? Do you have any music? Andy: Uh, yeah. Should have said so. [sings] Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-ay [scats] Gimme the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, Jim: I was–-I was thinkin’ about more like a CD? Or a CD. Andy: Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc. [Jim exits the car] Jim: Lord, beer me strength. [Andy and Jim walk down the hall of Dunmore High School] Andy: So, Tuna. When we get in there, let’s do a really good job, okay? Jim: Did that really need to be said? Andy: Well, not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it’s just about the music of the conversation. Andy: Whoa! What the--why is my girlfriend here? Jim: Oh, is she that teacher in the white? Andy: No, she’s a part-time frozen yogurt chef. Jim: Which one is she? Andy: The one in the green hoodie. [Andy's girlfriend opens her locker] Jim: Wow. Andy: I wonder if she’s, like, a--a guidance counselor, or something? Jim: No, I don’t think so. Andy: She’s like, probably a tutor. Jim: Nope. Andy: She probably a t-- Jim: No. Andy: Sh-- Jim: No. [Michael walks through the office] Michael: Okay, press conference in forty-five. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice. Dwight: On it. Okay, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. [disappointedly] Pam, run a comb through your hair. Dwight: First rule in roadside beet sales. Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, “Wow, I need this beet right now.” Those are the money beets. [Chad Lite walks through the office door] Dwight: [to Office workers] Hey! [snaps twice] Look sharp! [to Chad Lite] Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute. Chad Lite: Hi, uh— Dwight: And you must be, uh, from The Washington Post. Chad Lite: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, “Lighter Side of Life.” Dwight: And “Breaking Corporate News.” Chad Lite: And obits. Dwight: [under breath] Oh, dear God. Okay, here are your credentials. You’ve been granted level three security clearance. Chad Lite: Oh… Dwight: Don’t get too excited, that’s out of twenty. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat. Can I get you a beverage? Chad Lite: Uh, yeah, I’d like uh, a-- Dwight: [shuts door on him] Great. [Jim and Andy continue to walk through the school hallway, Andy follows his girlfriend (Jamie)] Jim: Oh, Andy, you know what? We don’t have a lot of time, so we should probably-- Andy: Jamie. Jim: Andy--Ohh-- Andy: What are you doing here? Jamie: Andy? Andy: Are you a student here? Jamie: Oh… yeah. Andy: You never told me you were in high school. Jamie: This is weird. I… gotta go to Spanish. Andy: Oh, my God! Jim: Oh, my God. Andy: I had no idea. Jim: Well… that’s not gonna hold up in court. Andy: Huh… We didn’t do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends. [Kevin, Oscar and Angela have their desks set up in the annex, Kelly watches by] Kevin: [on phone] Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I’m sorry. No, I am so sorry. Oscar: [on phone] Really, Dixon City? Carbondale. Angela: [on phone] Excuse me? Well, I don’t see how that’s our fault. And I’ve already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don’t know what you want from me. [hangs up] Kelly: Okay, first, I just wanna say that you are doing so good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing? [Dwight sits at his desk, Creed walks over holding papers] Creed: When I went over Wednesday, for the spot check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment. Dwight: Emergency dentist appointment. Creed: Now I’m told she told her manager she had the flu. I’m a trusting guy, but, uh... I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this. [Pam sits at reception and talks on the phone, Barbara enters the office] Pam: Yes. I’ll be sure someone returns your call. I’m so sorry. Bye. Barbara: Hello, I’m looking for Michael Scott. Michael: Mrs. Allen is our most important client. Because every client is our most important client. Even though she’s a pretty unimportant client, really. [Michael addresses the press (Dwight and Chad Lite) in the conference room] Michael: And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six-months of free paper or twenty-five reams, whichever comes first. Dwight: [snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this. Michael: So... let us consider this matter ended. Barbara: Well, it isn’t ended. I’m--I’m very angry. I--I could have lost business. Michael: I know. I know you’re angry. And we are truly, truly sorry. Barbara: I don’t accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying. Michael: Well... we are extremely sorry. Barbara: I don’t accept. [Jim and Andy wait in reception at Dunmore High School] School Official: I’ll be with you in a moment. Jim: All right. Andy: Who was that guy she was talking to... at her locker? Jim: Not important. Because you’re not dating her. Because it’s a felony. Andy: But who was that guy? Jim: Probably another high-school student. [Jim and Andy sit in a meeting with the School Official, Andy shakes a snow globe] School Official: The issue with the watermark is very serious. Jim: Absolutely. School Official: We teach our students that character counts. Jim: And you should. School Official: But-- Andy: [scoffs] Pfft. You don’t teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch. Jim: Andy… is having a real rough day today. Andy: I wanna take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words-- Jim: “Good luck.” Andy: That’s not what I had in mind. [Kelly continues guiding Angela on taking calls] Kelly: [quietly] Ask where he’s from. Angela: [on phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That’s nice. So, what do you want? [to Kelly] He’s upset about the watermark. Kelly: Okay, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we’re doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you’re sorry. Angela: [on phone] It was an unfortunate error. We’re fixing it. And you already got your money back-- Kelly: And you’re sorry. Angela: And the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Kelly] I think he had Tourette’s or something! [Michael, Barbara and Dwight talk in the conference room] Michael: We are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again. Barbara: Well, it--it doesn’t help. Because it already happened to me. Michael: The watermark--it’s a one-time thing. Barbara: I don’t care. It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex? Dwight: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling. Michael: Okay. Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin’ a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right. [the conversation continues in the conference room] Michael: What… can I do, for you? Barbara: I, for starters, I think that you should resign. Michael: Well… [exhales] Okay, well… Um, wasn’t really my fault. The guys at the papermill-- Barbara: You’re the head-- Michael: The guys at the papermill--No, no, no! Barbara: You’re the head of the company! Michael: I’m the head of the company?! Barbara: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility-- Michael: No, I’m a Regional Manager-- Barbara: And so you should lose your job! Michael: No--my--Okay, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out! Barbara: Fine. Michael: That’s insane. We’ll give this to somebody who will appreciate it. Barbara: Mm-hmm. Dwight: It’s non-transferable. Michael: Doesn’t matter. Out, please! Barbara: I’m calling the Better Business Bureau. Michael: Yeah, well I’m calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that? Chad Lite: Everything. [Michael paces around his office, Pam sits on a chair with a notepad] Michael: We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not… Pam: It’s just The Scranton Times. Michael: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. And then… YouTube gets a hold of it. Pam: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in, like, a week or two. Michael: You’re right. It will blow over. But it’s not… going to take… a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for? Pam: Yes. Pam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman’s touch. [Michael sits at his desk as Dwight sprays an excessive amount of hairspray into Michael's hair] Michael: Okay, I think that’s good. [Pam and Dwight stand across from Michael, who is seated at his desk, Pam runs the camcorder, Dwight holds cards with his speech] Michael: “Hello, I am Michael Scott. Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. By now, you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.” Dwight: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team. Michael: That’s how devoted I am to this job. Dwight: I’m just saying. Michael: I know. Dwight: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade. Michael: I understand that, Dwight. Dwight: You would be on the ground-- Michael: Do you think you’re taking it a little-- Dwight: blind, deaf, dumb. Michael: Literally, Dwight? And now we’re wasting tape. I’m gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say "cut"... Dwight: Cut. Michael: So I’ll know where-- Pam: Cut. Michael: I’m asking Pam to do it, please. Pam: Cut. Michael: Okay, ready? [Angela, Kevin and Oscar sit at their desks] Angela: Kevin, what’s four plus seven? Kevin: Eleven. Angela: Yeah, well, you didn’t know that when you filled out this payroll form. Kevin: Yeah, well, at least I didn’t suck at customer relations. Ooh, yes. Facial. Oscar: [laughs] Yes. [Kevin and Oscar air high five] Angela: You two are apes. Oscar: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela. Angela: I’m sorry… that you’re both morons. Kevin: But you still said, “I’m sorry.” Angela: I called you morons. Kevin: Still said it. Oscar: Still said it, so… [Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five] [Dwight sprays more hairspray in Michael's hair] Michael: Five, four, three. “There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn’t be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let’s not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember… it wasn’t me. They’re trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.” Pam: One day for what? Michael: That’s--they always give an ultimatum. Pam: Okay. Michael: Good? Cut. Pam: Cut. That was your best apology video ever. Michael: I thought so too. [Dwight sits at his desk, Creed walks over with a card] Creed: Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought you’d like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She’s got some children. Creed: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I’d pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. [Creed goes down in the elevator] Why do bad things always happen to the good people? [the elevator opens, Creed counts the cash from the card and pockets it] It’s tragic. Just tragic. [he throws the card in the bin] [Andy drives, Jim sits in the passenger seat] Jim: You want music? Andy: I don’t care. Jim: Come on man. Just give it a couple days. I think you’ll be all right. Andy: Yeah. Jim: [singing the intro to The Lion King’s The Lion Sleeps Tonight] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh… Andy: You know what--I don’t-- Jim: [louder] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh… Andy: [joins in with classic Andy falsetto] Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube! Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh… Andy: Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube! Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh… Andy: Sweet. [Dwight enters the office dressed as Jim and goes to reception] Dwight: Pam. Pam: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today. Dwight: [scoffs] Psh! I look like an idiot. Hey, Karen. Karen: Hey, Dwight. Lookin’ sharp. Dwight: Yeah, that’s 'cause I’m… you’re boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse, 'cause you’re my girlfriend? Jim: Do you? Karen: No. Jim: Okay. Karen: I’m good. Thanks. [Dwight looks at the camera and imitates the “Jim face”] Jim: Look at that. Dwight: I’m Jim Halpert. [more “Jim faces”] Jim: Spot on. Dwight: Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.