Beach Games
Written By: Jennifer Celotta & Greg Daniels Directed By: Harold Ramis Transcribed By: Admin [Michael sits at his desk, as Dwight searches on Michael's computer] Michael: Ughh… Blech. Dwight: Okay, where does it hurt? Michael: Just… all over. I don’t want to do anything… I’m dying. Dwight: No, that’s not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body. Michael: Right there. [Michael points to computer screen] Dwight: [reading from screen] “Abdomen. Menses.” Michael: Maybe. Dwight: “The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.” Michael: Not it. I don’t have eggs. Dwight: So, when did this start? Michael: About ten minutes ago. I dun-- Dwight: When I came in with the paperwork? Michael: Mm-hmm. Pam: About forty times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned. [Dwight continues searching on the computer] Dwight: Ooh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste? Michael: It’s possible. [Pam enters Michael's office] Pam: Michael? Michael: Uh-huh? Pam: David Wallace is on line one. Michael: The CFO? Ohh… Michael: Okay, everybody out. Out, out, out. Okay. [Michael sits at his desk, David Wallace talks over speakerphone] Michael: To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace? David: Michael, I am calling-- Michael: And Gromit. David: [sighs] Michael: Jan? Is Jan there? David: Jan is out of town right now. Michael: Oh, you sigh like Jan. [sighs] I broke Jan’s heart, David, and I feel awful. It was--It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes… David: Michael? Michael: You just gots to get your freak on. David: Michael? Michael: Yeah. David: Michael? Michael: Hmm? David: I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening up in corporate. Michael: Really? David: Week from today. Bring your first-quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch. Michael: Wow. David: Mm-hmm. Michael: I wish I had prepared something to say. David: That’s not necessary. Michael: May God guide you in your quest. David: Yes. [Michael walks through the office in a Hawaiian button up] Michael: Okay, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the par-tay bus. Meredith: Oh, I’m excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So, I’m wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. [lifts up shirt, definitely not wearing anything underneath] Oh, yeah, I packed it in my purse. [sighs] [Michael walks over to accounting] Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume? Oscar: I don’t wear a Speedo, Michael. Michael: Well, you can’t swim in leather pants. [laughs] I’m just yankin’ your chain. Not literally. [Toby walks out from the kitchen] Toby: Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30. Michael: Oh, you know what? Uh, you’re not going. Toby: It’s Beach Day… Michael: Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Toby. We… um--Somebody has to stay here. Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it… then it’ll suck. [Toby walks over to Pam at reception] Toby: Hey... want my sun screen? Pam: Oh, great. I forgot mine, and I’m wearing a two piece. Toby: Ahh. Pam: Thanks, Toby. [Toby walks away, Michael walks over to Pam] Michael: Hey, Pam, I have a very important job for you today. Pam: I thought we were just having fun at the beach. Michael: We are, we are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people’s character. You know, not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me. Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like what happens to a chicken... when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head. [conversation continues at reception] Pam: You want me to write down people’s indefinable qualities? Michael: I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright? Pam: I have the most boring job in the office, so… why wouldn’t I have the most boring job on beach day? [Michael leads everyone outside to the bus] Michael: This way to the par-tay bus. Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. [everyone sits on the bus, Kevin sings] Kevin: [sings] [Angela mouthing the words next to him] And the night got deathly quiet, And his face lost all expression, Said, “If you’re gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.” [rest of office joins in at varying times] You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, Know when to walk away and know when to run, You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table, There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done. [Michael stands up and addresses everyone] Michael: Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach. Stanley: Oh, sweet mother of God. Michael: If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus. Stanley: Excuse me? Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just--We are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner! Dwight: Yes, funtivities! I knew it wasn’t just a trip to the beach. Michael: Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm’s turning people off. Dwight: I hope there will be management parables. Michael: Well... [whispering] Hey Pam, did you get that down? Pam: Like what? Michael: Like everything I said and everything they did and… Just don’t-- Pam: Well, no. I don’t… exactly… what? Michael: Well write it down before you forget it. That’s-- You’ve just been drawing pictures. [sighs] Rrrr-rrrrr! I can’t stay mad at you. [laughs] [the bus arrives at the beach] Michael: Here we are, ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg! [gets off bus] Watch out for snakes! [everyone walks to the beach] Angela: Everyone put on sunscreen. Michael: Alright. Find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] Michael: Okay, everybody up! Circle 'round. Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America’s eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, fourteen strangers who work together--but only one survivor. Oscar: What? Michael: Just words. Inspiring words--[under breath] Not a contender. For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley. Dwight: Yes! Michael: Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam. Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So, that should tell you something. [Dwight selects his team] Dwight: I choose Michael! Michael: I’m not playing. Dwight: Okay, temp. Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot. [teams are still being finalised] Michael: We are going to choose team names. Dwight? Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor. Jim: Really? Not Slytherin? Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim. Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort. Dwight: He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn’t do that. Jim: [starts chanting] Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort [Kevin and Karen follow] Dwight: Okay, seriously... All: Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Dwight: You really shouldn’t be saying-- All: Vol-de-mort! Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Dwight: Idiots! All: Vol-de-mort! Michael: Okay, okay… Stanley, your team name? Stanley: I don’t care what you call my team. Michael: Then I will name your team the Red team. Stanley: No [crosses arms], the blue team. Michael: I am also considering Stanley, because of all the good that black people have done for America. Andy: We will be team U.S.A. Michael: Very good. Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic. Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: He’s classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him. [Michael addresses everyone lakeside] Michael: It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist. Stanley: There’s already a twist, you’re carrying an egg on a spoon. Michael: Shh. The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail. First team back is the winner. Alright. Ready, set, go! [contestants start walking] Oscar: Come on, Phyllis, you can do it. [Phyllis’ egg falls off spoon] Ahh… Stanley: Thank you so much. [Stanley sits down and pulls out his crossword puzzle] Andy: Phyllis is out. Yes! [to Kelly] Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving, right this way. Looking good, whoo! Kelly: I don’t want to hit the big rock! Andy: Don’t worry. You’re not-- Kelly: I know I’m near the big rock. I just know it. Andy: Nowhere near the big rock. Kelly: [takes off blindfold] Andy, I don’t want to get hurt by it… Andy: What are you doing? No! [strained chuckle] See, now we’re disqualified. Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! [throws a stone] [duck quacks and takes flight] [Jim directs Karen in the egg and spoon race] Jim: Woah, stop, stop, stop--there’s a hole. Just step over the hole. Karen: Hole? Jim: Yep. [Karen takes a big step] Jim: Perfect. Ooh, just made it. Okay, turn left. [Dwight directs Ryan in the race] Dwight: Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! Ryan: Can you just stop this right now, or I’m not gonna do this anymore. Dwight: What are you saying? Ryan: You have to stop yelling at me or I’m not gonna do the egg race. Dwight: Okay, I apologize for yelling at you. Ryan: That’s what being a good captain is about. It’s about listening to the members of your team. Dwight: I am trying to bring team spirit. [Jim continues to direct Karen into the lake] Jim: Woah, stop--another hole. Take a big step. [Karen steps into lake] Jim: Yes! Karen: [lifts up blindfold] Oh, my God! You ass! [chases Jim and throws egg at him] [both laugh] Pam: There’s nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh… diligent note-taking. [holds up notes] Michael: [off screen] Pam... you’re missing things. [shakes off hand and starts writing in notebook] [Creed stands by the lake and catches a fish by hand] [Dwight continues to direct Rayn] Dwight: Let’s go! Let’s go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on, you bastard! [Ryan takes off blindfold and throws it to ground along with egg and spoon] Dwight: What the-- Damn it, temp! Andy: [begins to clap] Great job, everyone. That was fantastic. Michael: [sighs] [Michael and Pam stand around a picnic table] Michael: Okay, Pam, I have another little project for you. Pam: Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs? Michael: Smart as a whip! Yes, these are precooked, so it’s not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up eight-hundred hot dogs for a little contest I’m going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it. Pam: When’s the contest? Michael: Like, umm, [looks at watch] ten minutes? Pam: How am I supposed to get-- Michael: Thanks a bunch. [runs away] Michael: A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success. [everyone is seated at the table with trays full of hot dogs, Michael stands at the end of the table] Michael: Okay, who’s hungry [Kevin starts to put hot dog in mouth] Michael: No, no, no. Do not touch the food. Please. Not yet. That is our next event--a hot dog eating contest. [groans at the table] Michael: For those of you who are curious, the world record is fifty-four and one half hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so that each and every one of you could break that record. So, shoot for the stars, okay? Alright, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes will be declared the winner. On you mark. Get set-- Kelly: Can I have a turkey burger? Michael: No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready? Oscar: Turkey is a healthy meat. [overlapping talk from all at table] Dwight: It’s very good for you. Michael: Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Please… Let’s just--okay. It’s very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can. On your mark. Get set. Eat! Phyllis: Is there any mustard? Michael: No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it--eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it’ll slide down your gullet more easily. Michael: Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize. Meredith: [eating hot dog] What is it? Michael: I can’t say. Jim: You can’t say, or you can’t pronounce it? Michael: The winner gets a regional manager’s salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world. Kelly: Can we just take those first two things? Michael: The winner of today gets my job. Okay? I’m interviewing for a job at corporate. And they’re only interviewing a handful of people, and I’m the most qualified and I’ll probably get it. Alright? Dwight: You’re leaving? Michael: I didn’t want to tell anyway. I didn’t want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I don’t know who to recommend because, frankly, nobody is stepping up. Andy: [slams fist onto table] I am so hungry! [starts eating hot dog real fast] Stanley: Do you expect me to believe that you’re truly making your recommendations on this basis? Michael: [points at Stanley] Word. [Stanley starts eating the hot dog] Michael: There we go. Let’s see it. Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on! [the hot dog eating competition continues] Michael: Four seconds. Three, two, one. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with fourteen hot dogs! Kelly: Team U.S.A.! Andy: One came up. Michael: Thirteen hot dogs, everybody! Dwight: Damn it! [Creed walks back up to the group holding a fish with all the meat stripped off- Creed: Nobody told me we were gonna have hot dogs! [Dwight and Angela talk amongst trees] Dwight: [quietly] Sabotage. Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich? Dwight: No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying... [dramatic whisper] Sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team. Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane. Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me. [Michael addresses everyone, Stanley and Jim are dressed in inflatable sumo suits] Michael: It’s very simple, there are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring, and you must always wear the safety mittens. Stanley: Uh, we don’t have any safety mittens. Michael: Probably left them in the trunk of my car. It’s alright. It’s alright. Here we go. Karen: Get ’em, big boy! Michael: And, go! Karen: C’mon, Jim! Stanley: [growls and runs at Jim] [Jim looks terrified] Karen: Come on! [Jim falls face first in the sand] [all cheer] Jim: Whoa. What are you doing? Michael: Nice, Stanley! Stanley: [to Jim] Sorry about that. It’s all about taking points away from Dwight. Jim: Yeah, no, good, okay. Jim: Oh, my God... I have never seen that look in a man’s eyes… ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day. [Dwight and Andy are in the sumo suits, bow to each other and run at each other] Oscar: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I’m kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We’ll see. [Dwight knocks Andy to the ground] Dwight: Aah! Michael: One, two, three. Dwight: Yeah! Yeah! Michael: Excellent. Dwight: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Andy: I didn’t win. But the only reason I didn’t win is because I recently learned that it’s better to work thing out with words. [Dwight walks up to him still in his sumo suit, eating a sandwich] Dwight: That’s not why you lost. Andy: Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad. Dwight: Oh, yeah, right. [they start to sumo wrestle agin] Andy: Yeah, right! C'mon! C'mon! Dwight: Unh! Unh! [Andy falls to the ground, Dwight jumps on top of him] Dwight: How do you like that? [Andy walks over to the lake in his sumo suit, he attempts to dip his bandana in the water and falls in] Andy: Oh, God--Aah! Help! Wah! Help! [Angela walks by] Andy: Angela--Angela, hey! Oh, thank God! Please tell somebody! Angela: What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them? Andy: Go tell them I’m floating away, obviously! Angela: I don’t understand what you want from me. Andy: Angela, it’s pretty simple! Look at what I’m doing, and go tell somebody about it! Angela: Sorry! Andy: Aah-- Angela: Bye, Andy! Andy: Angela! Michael: I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far, the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy--where is he? [camera zooms behind Michael to see Andy floating in the lake] Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah… who’s ahead in points? Pam: I think they’re even. At various times, you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don’t really know how to compare those units. Michael: Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook. Pam: I really doubt it, Michael. Michael: Please just check. [Jim and Karen sit by the lake, Jim talks on his cellphone] Jim: Great. Yeah, I’ll see you next week. Thank you, and here is Karen Filippelli. Bye. [passes the cellphone to Karen] Karen: Hello? Yeah, hi, David. Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well. Jim: In well? Karen: As well. Jim: How would that work--in well? I just want to know. Karen: Yes. uh-huh. Jim: Wait a minute... Karen: That would be fine. Jim: If this job is in a well, I don’t want it. Karen: [whispering] Cut it out! Jim: I don’t! [Michael addresses everyone] Michael: What does a great manager need most of all? Courage. Stanley: How so? I mean, sure thing, that sounds smart… I can’t do this anymore! I’m goin’ to sit in the bus. Michael: Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile, the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear, and creating a lasting memory... Walking through fire! [a pile of wood lights up on flames] [Michael continues to address everyone, the fire burns on] Michael: Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals. Kevin: Are you going to try it? Angela: I’m not gonna walk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through. Kevin: Angela, it is a million degrees. Pam: [to camera] I’m gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That’s the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right? [Pam begins to take her shoes off] Michael: No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score. Pam: I’d like to try it. Michael: Pointless. Pam: But I’m not kidding. I really want to do it. Michael: Blah, blah, blee, blup, blup. Okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you’re up. Jim: Nope. Michael: Ju-- why not? Come on. Jim: Oh, 'cause I don’t want my feet to get burned. Michael: You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager. Jim: That’s harsh. Michael: Who’s next? Andy. Where’s Andy? Andy is never here today. [lying in the lake, a light shines on him] Andy: Hello? Who’s there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello? [the light turns off] [conversation continues around the fire] Kevin: Why don’t you go, Michael? Michael: Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot, on a George Foreman grill. Jim: And that is not the same at all. If you’re going to ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself. Michael: Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. Okay. [clears throat, breathes noisily] The mind has to wrap around... the foot. [Michael stands at the start of the fire walk motionless] Ryan: [exhales] Okay. Pam: Do you want us to count to three? Michael: Yes. Count to three, please. Group: Three, two, one. Michael: Count the other way. Count-- No, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one. Group: One, two, three! Go! Do it! Go, Michael. Michael: Wait, am I going on "go", or am I going on "three"? Creed: On the go that’s after three. Michael: Okay. Group: One, two, three, go! Dwight: No! It’s okay. I will do this, Michael. Michael: Don’t, Dwight. Dwight: I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager! [walks on coals] Group: Wow. Go, Dwight. Keep moving. Get off, get off. Dwight: [standing still, on the coals] Give me the job! Give me the job! Michael: I’m not going to give it to you. Dwight: [falls to his knees, then on all fours] Ow, oh! Group: [all shout at once] Don't kneel on the coals! [alarmed shouts] Pam: Michael, do something! Michael: God, that stinks! [Dwight crawls off the coals] Michael: Being the boss is also about image. I’ve never looked like that. That was gross. I just--I don’t see the connection between a fire walk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what? If I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. Outside Hire. Angela: Or Mrs. Outside Hire. Michael: Yeah, mm-hmm, true. Look, I don’t--I don't wanna leave this branch that I love to an outside hire. Therefore we are going to have a one-hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor. Kelly: Who’s Bob Hope? Michael: God! He’s a--he's a comedian. Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes. Michael: Who’s Amanda Bynes? Kelly: She’s from What a Girl Wants. Michael: Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right. The person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor, and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope. So, without further ado, Jim and Dwight... show us what you've got. Jim: Hey, I know what you’re looking for, but, um, I gotta be honest. I--I really don’t think I should be considered as your replacement. Michael: You are being too modest. Jim: Michael, on Thursday, I’m gonna drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York. Michael: [laughs] Okay, that is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us. Dwight: The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. [camera zooms to Pam in the background] Dwight: And the talent agent says, “Describe your act.” And the man says something really, really raunchy. And the talent representative says, “What do you call yourselves?” And the man says, “The Aristocrats”. [Pam runs across the coals] Pam: Ooh, ahh! Whew! Ho ho! [sighs] [starts running over to the rest of the group] [Dwight finishes telling his story] Dwight: I mean truly repulsive acts. Michael: That is a very, very funny story. Pam: [runs over to the group] Hey! I want to say something. I’ve been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just--I did it. Michael, you couldn’t even do that. Maybe I should be your boss? Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn’t any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It’s like sometimes some of you act like I don’t even exist. [turns and looks directly at Jim] Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we’re not even friends. And things are just, like, weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford. And I really miss you. I shouldn’t have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn’t care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you’re with someone else. And that’s fine. It’s whatever-- that’s not what I’m--I'm not-- Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I’m just trying to say to you, Jim, and to everyone else in this circle, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am gonna go walk in the water now. Yeah. It’s a good day. Michael: Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background. [everyone is on the bus singing] Group: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, They’re a modern stone-age family, Ba-ba-da-da-da, From the town of Bedrock, they’re a page right out of history, Ba-da-da-da-da. [overlapping singing of the wrong verses] When you’re with the Flintstones, have a yabba-dabba-doo time, A dabba-doo time, We’ll have a gay old time! Michael: [imitates Fred Flintstone] Wilmaaaaaaaaaaaa! Andy: Nice.