The Job (Parts 1 & 2)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein & Michael Schur Directed By: Ken Kwapis Transcribed By: Admin [Michael sits at reception at the corporate office in NY, David Wallace enters, Michael gets up to greet him] Michael: David. David: [confused] Oh, Michael? Michael: Are we all set? David: Isn’t... our interview tomorrow? Michael: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I’d drop in, say hello. David: You happened to be in Midtown Manhattan? Michael: Thought I’d catch a show. David: In the middle of a work day? Michael: No. You know what? Since I’m here, let me ask you a few questions about the job. David: Okay. Michael: Um, how many people are you interviewing? David: We’re only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people. Michael: Ah, well. Good. Out of curiosity, are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people? David: I don’t think so. Michael: Great. One more… question. When you merged those branches, who did you put in charge? David: I believe we put you in charge. Michael: Ah, great. No further questions. David: Okay, Michael. Michael: Okay. David: I’m really looking forward to our interview. Michael: And I’m really looking forward to working with you. [sits in corporate reception, makes a call on his cellphone] Michael: I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cellphone] Hey, Pam, yeah. I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentally. Be, like, three hours late. [Kevin, Pam and Meredith are at reception] Pam: See, I have six-hundred. Kevin: Yeah, I don't have-- [Jim enters the office sporting an obvious new haircut] Kevin: Hey. Jim: Hey, Kev. Kevin: What’s different about you? You look worse. Jim: Thank you. Meredith: You got a haircut. That's sexy, hot. Jim: Ohhh… Meredith: Turn around. Jim: No. Meredith: Yes. Jim: No, thanks. Meredith: Do it! Andy: Blup-dup-do! What’s up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut. Jim: [exhales loudly] Andy, just-- Andy: What is it, Big Haircut? Jim: Nothing. Andy: Sorry, can’t hear you, Big Haircut. Jim: Yep. Andy: What? Jim: Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow. So, that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless. Pam: Hey. I think it looks great. Jim: Thanks, Pam. Pam: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too, and I would always mean a lot to him. And I understand where he’s coming from. For the record, I am not embarrassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it. And it only took me three years to summon the courage, so... [quietly, and mock bowing] Thank you. [Michael sits at his desk, Dwight knocks at the door] Michael: Yeah. [Dwight enters] Dwight: You wanted to see me? Michael: Yes. The time has come to name my own replacement. So, please hand this letter of congratulations to, Dwight K. Schrute. Dwight: But that’s my name. [opens letter and reads] "Dwight, congratulations, a-wipe. Don’t screw the pooch." [cries] Thank you. Michael: Okay. All right. Dwight: [cries harder] Thank you, Michael. Michael: Okay. Dwight: [sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much. Michael: Please. Stop crying. Dwight: [sobbing] Thank you. Michael: [groans] [Pam enters the breakroom, Karen sits at a table alone] Pam: Hey. Karen: Hey. Pam: Um, about the beach. Karen: It’s okay, we all say things without thinking. Pam: Oh, no, it’s not that. I’ve actually been thinking that for a long time, and I’m glad I said it. I just--I’m sorry if it made you feel weird. Karen: [confused] Oh. Okay. Karen: Pam is kind of a bitch. [Karen walks over to Jim at his desk] Karen: Hey. What if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room. Enjoy the city a little bit. Jim: Uh… I just have so much paperwork to do. [sighs] Wow, done. Okay, let’s do it. [Michael sits alone in the kitchen, Jim and Karen approach] Jim: So, I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early, 'cause we want to spend the night in the city. Michael: Why, so you can do it? Jim: Whoops. Michael: No, um... well I was thinking that, uh, actually, we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy. You know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other. Give each other the finger… Jim: Hmmm. Karen: Mm. Michael: Moon each other. Jim: Uh, we’re gonna go tonight. But we’re gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right? Michael: All right. Jim: All right. Michael: Your loss. Karen: Wait. Um, how would you moon us if you were driving? Michael: Cruise control. Karen: Oh. [Kevin talks to Jim at the printer] Kevin: So, Jim, who do you think is hotter, Pam or Karen? Jim: Yeah, I’m not gonna talk about this now. Kevin: Pam is taller. Jim: You sure? Kevin: Yes. She has bigger breasts, too. Jim: Wow. Kevin: I think Karen has a prettier face. Jim: Mm-hmm. [thinking] Mm-hmm. What else? Kevin: Well, I mean, Pam’s face is really pretty too. It’s a very tough call. Jim: Mm. Really tough call. Kevin: Yeah. Jim: You know what? Why don’t you take the rest of the day, figure it out, and then come back and tell me what you got. Kevin: Will do. Jim: All right. [everyone sits in the breakroom, Pam enters] Oscar: Hey, Pam. I’ve been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. [group laughs] Pam: Ha ha, that's very funny. Stanley: I’ve never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly. Kelly: Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam. Meredith: You know what? Don’t even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said. Creed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing. Creed: www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts. Check it out. Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer, and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the internet it’s… pretty shocking. [Michael walks over to accounting] Michael: There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly-printed checks. Kevin: Do you think it’s gonna to be weird? Working with Jan in New York? Michael: No. Not at all. I haven’t talked to Jan since we broke up. And I think if she had something to say, she would have called me. Oscar: Maybe you should talk to her--before… Michael: No, no, no, no. You know what? It’s a done deal. I basically have the job already. There’s nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo. Oscar: Michael… Kevin: What? Angela: Why? Oscar: I’m sorry, that just doesn’t make sense. Michael: Yes, I… Angela: W--why? Who gave you that advice? Kevin: Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo-- Michael: I have to buy another place. Angela: But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk] Oscar: You’re not sure that you have the job. Michael: I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time. [Dwight talks discreetly to Angela in the kitchen] Dwight: How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton? Angela: No, Dwight, I don’t care if that's how they consolidated power in ancient Rome. Dwight: No, no. Not--not Michael. [whispers] Me. I’m taking his job. Angela: [smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Angela: Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor. [Dwight and Jim sit at their desks] Dwight: Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim: Ohh. Hey, Dwight. Dwight: I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It’s my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now, check-out time is never. Jim: Does my room have cable? Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire. Jim: Can I change rooms? Dwight: Sorry, we’re all booked up. Hell convention in town. Jim: Can I have a late checkout? Dwight: I’ll have to talk to the manager. Jim: You’re not the manager, even in your own fantasy? Dwight: I’m the owner. The co-owner. With Satan! Jim: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell. And you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil? Dwight: Yeah, but I haven’t told you my salary yet. Jim: Go. Dwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year. Dwight: Once I am officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So, I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified. [Andy signs the interview sheet that Dwight posted on the office wall] Andy: I will see you... at the inter-view. Dwight: Yes, you will. [Michael reads a note at reception] Michael: Who is D. Abramson? Pam: Um, he’s from that company in Pitts-- [Jan walks enters the office] Jan: Michael. Michael: Why? Are you here? Jan: Uh, how are you? Michael: I’m good. How are you, Janet? It’s good to see you. Jan: I'm--I’m great. Uh, can we... Can we talk privately for a minute? Michael: Why privately? Jan: Uh, I just... [quietly] I, uh, I don’t, uh. I--I don’t, I don’t like the way that we left things. Michael: Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don’t you wait in my office? I have some important business matters to take care of. Jan: Okay. Michael: Okay. [Jan walks to Michael's office] Michael: Pam, DEFCON ten. Houston, we have a problem. Pam: What do you want me to do? Michael: Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen. Pam: What about Meredith? Michael: No. She’s an alternate. [Jan waits for Michael in his office, Michael enters] Michael: So, how you been? Jan: I'm good. Michael: Good. Jan: Good. Michael: Yeah. Jan: Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I, uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voicemail. Michael: Weird. Yeah, I didn’t get both of your messages. Jan: Ah. [Pam talks to Karen at her desk, as the women filter into the conference room] Pam: So, uh, Michael needs us in the conference room. Karen: ‘Cause of Jan again? Karen: Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim’s and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow? Pam: Uh, sure. Karen: Thanks. Pam: I really hope you get the job. Karen: Thanks. [looks suspicious] [Michael and Jan continue their conversation] Jan: After you ended everything with us, I went on a vacation. Michael: Mm. Jan: To kinda clear my mind. Michael: Sound good, sounds fun. Jan: It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I should just get right to the point, you know? [sits down next to Michael] Um, I-I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time. Michael: Hmm. Jan: And I’ve made some big changes in my life, and… I miss you. I want us to get back together. Michael: Would you excuse me for a second? Jan: Oh, okay. [Michael leaves and walks into conference room] [Michael walks into the conference room] Michael: DEFCON twenty. She wants to get back together. Phyllis: What are you gonna do? Michael: I don’t know, that’s why you’re here. Help me, please. Karen: Do you want to get back together with her? Michael: No! No. What do I do? Pam: Just don’t get back together with her. Michael: What if she makes me? Angela: How can she make you get back together with her? Michael: She made me do a lot of things I didn’t wanna do. Pam: This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her. Michael: I wasn’t. Pam: You’re so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong. Michael: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I’m gonna go in there and tell her that we can’t be together. Pam: Right. Michael: Wow. Karen: Do it. Michael: I’m in a very good place right now. Thank you. [leaves] [Michael walks back into his office, Jan has taken her jacket off and wears a low cut sweater] Michael: Okay. [clears throat] Jan... we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged] Michael: Jan is in a different place right now. And it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So, I am going to hear her out. [Jan walks out of Michael's office to the watercooler] Pam: Oh, my God. [mouths to Jim] Huge! Jim: Yeah, bigger actually. Pam: [whispers] That’s crazy! Jim: Mm-hmm. Pam: [mouths] Wow! [Karen watches Pam and Jim] Karen: [moves to block Jim from Pam’s eyeline] Oh, my God. Can you believe that? Jim: Unbelievable. Karen: Wow. Jim: She could put the cup right there. Karen: I know! Pam: No, it’s fine. I’m sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around. That one time. [everyone watches on as Jan stands at the watercooler] Meredith: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front. Kevin: I love fake boobs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers. Creed: I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That’s how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots. [Michael and Jan continue their conversation in Michael's office] Jan: So… There are a lot of things that I would like to do differently. Michael: Yeah. Jan: I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities. Michael: First got priorities. Jan: And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation. Michael: [hastily] Let’s get back together. [Jan laughs] Michael: No. No, no, no, no. I’ll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is, emotionally magnificent. [Dwight gets up from his desk and makes an announcement] Dwight: Okay, everyone, listen up! [claps] Time to begin the interview process! [looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy’s name] Andrew Bernard. Andy: Saving the best for first! Karen: All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck! Dwight: No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael. Oscar: Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck] Dwight: What did I say!? Pam: [to Jim] Good luck. Jim: Thanks. Pam: I’m happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche… Maybe I’m being cliche, I don’t care. 'Cause I am what I am... That’s Popeye. [Dwight interviews Andy in the conference room] Dwight: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence, and mental dexterity. What is the best color? Andy: White. Because it contains all other colors. Dwight: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table? Andy: You make a chair, but you don’t sit on it. Dwight: What is the capital of Maine? Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont. Which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell. Dwight: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don’t wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company. Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended. Dwight: You’re not off to a very good start, Bernard. Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn’t you say? Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has. My brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous. [Dwight and Andy arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win] Dwight: Time! No, you failed. Andy: Damn it! Dwight: This interview is over. I’ll let you know. [Jim drives, Karen sits in the passenger seat] Karen: Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview. Jim: Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way? My assistant, or… Karen: Oh, you know, I’m gonna have a "Congratulations, Karen" party, um, tomorrow night at my friend’s house. Jim: Oh, wow, that sounds fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish? Karen: No, I’m sorry. I should have been clearer. Jim: Uh-huh. Karen: It’s for me. Jim: Oh. Karen: 'Cause I’m gonna to get the job. [Jan and Michael stand in Michael's office, Michael holds Jan's breasts] Michael: How remarkable. Jan: Thanks. [both exhale loudly] Michael: Wait, wait. Let me just check one more time. Jan: Oh, okay. Michael: [grabs Jan's breasts again] Very good [Jan nods] [Michael opens his office blinds, Jan and Michael leave Michael's office] Jan: Alright, well, I, um, I have to get back. But I will see you in New York tomorrow, right? Michael: Yes, indeed. Jan: Good luck with your interview. [Jan and Michael kiss] Michael: Thank you. Jan: [whispers] Bye. [Michael talks to Pam at reception] Michael: So, I... guess we’re getting back together. Pam: What happened? Michael: Your advice was good, but Jan’s was bigger. Michael: Here’s the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn’t connect. I was miserable. Now, I’m in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery. [Karen and Jim exit the subway] Karen: So, we have all night. Where do you wanna go first? Jim: Oh, I dunno. How 'bout the U.N.? Karen: How often do you come here? Jim: mm, every time my sixth grade class goes on a field trip. Karen: Well, I think you’ll really enjoy this, adult Jim. [Michael exits his office] Michael: Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I’ll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So, without further ado... [clicks play on a small tape player, Natalia Merchant's Kind and Generous play] I would like to start saying my goodbyes. Okay. Goodnight. And good luck. [Michael leaves, Dwight immediately clicks off tape player, puts a sticker with his name on Michael's office door] Dwight: Who’s ready to work? [Jim waits for Karen as she uses an ATM] Jim: Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It’s in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second-acted Spamalot. That’s when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh, and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels. Karen: That wasn’t him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was] [Karen and Jim walk through the city] Karen: So, what’s gonna happen with us when I get this job? Jim: Oh, do you mean when I get the job? Karen: Well, if you get the job... then I’d move here with you. Would you move with me? I’m not stupid, okay? I was at the beach. We won’t have a future in Scranton. There’s one too many people there. Jim: You mean Kevin? Karen: Exactly. No, but you get it, right? We can’t stay there. Jim: Yeah. I do. Come on. [they hold hands and cross street] [Michael waits in the corporate office reception, Jim and Karen sit across from him] Michael: [exhales] How are you guys doing? Need anything? Karen: Uh, no, we’re good. Thanks. Michael: I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody’s names. If you need to know somebody’s name, just ask me. Jim: [points at bearded man] Who’s that? Michael: That is Beardy. Jim: Beardy? Michael: Mm-hmm. Jim: I’m gonna introduce myself. Michael: No, no, no--just--that’s not his real name. That’s just what I call him, so… Michael: I am by far the most qualified person they’re interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They’re like kid actors tagging along with Daddy, on the big audition. Hoping to be discovered. Except Daddy is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep. [Dwight sits at Michael's desk with a pack of Big League Chew in his hand, Andy leans on the desk beside him] Dwight: Michael is gone. Andy: Hail to the chief! Dwight: My first order of business, make Andrew Bernard my number two. Andy: My first order of business, accept. Dwight: As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael’s World’s Best Boss mug] Andy: Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. [washing out Michael’s mug] [Michael waits in reception of the corporate office, Hunter comes out] Michael: Hey, Hunter! [accented] What’s up, my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire. Hunter: Uh, administrative assistant. Michael: Jan in yet? Hunter: I think she’s comin’ in later. Michael: Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in? Hunter: Sure. [grabs out his blackberry] Michael: Just say, “I want to squeeze them.” It’s code, she’ll know what it means. Hunter: Okay. Michael: Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the “motorboat” noise] “Brr”, also? [Pam sits from Dwight in his office] Dwight: You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession. Pam: Thank you. Dwight: I had to make Andy my number two. It’s political, complicated. You wouldn’t understand. I want you to be Assistant Regional Manager. Pam: Really? Dwight: Well, in a sense. Although publicly, I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position. Pam: You will be your own assistant. Dwight: Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills. Pam: Okay. So, you would be the Regional Manager, and the Assistant Regional Manager. Andy is your number two. I would be the Secret Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight: Mm, let’s call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. Pam: Mm-hmm. Dwight: Do you accept? Pam: Absolutely, I do. Pam: I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret, you reply, “Absolutely, I do.” [Michael knocks on David Wallace's office door, David Wallace gets up from his desk] Michael: Hello, hello! David: Michael, good to see you! Michael: Good to see you. David: Have a seat. Michael: Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for. David: Oh, great. I’ve been meaning to thank you, by the way. You didn’t lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget. That is nice work. So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager? Michael: Why don’t I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job. David: Okay. And your strengths? Michael: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths. David: Oh. Yes. Very good. Michael: Thank you. David: Very good. [Phyllis, Oscar, Kevin and Pam eat in the breakroom] Phyllis: Dwight is our new boss. Oscar: Oh, Michael’s not going anywhere. Pam: Then who do you think will get the job? Kevin: Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pantsuits. Phyllis: I think it’s gonna be Michael. Oscar: Do you really think he’s qualified for that job? Phyllis: No, but he wasn’t qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one. Oscar: [laughs] Mm. Yeah. [Dwight makes an announcement to everyone in the office] Dwight: Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... [holds up paper that resembles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight’s face in the middle] is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks… equals an extra five minutes for lunch. Pam: [raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck? Dwight: Excellent question, Pam. One one hundredth of a cent. Oscar: So, ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar? Dwight: Just, zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group’s time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded do-good-edness. No longer. No more meetings! Stanley: Amen. Dwight: Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper. Kevin: [raises hand] Do we have to? Dwight: Yes! Michael is gone. There’s a new sheriff here in these offices. And his name is “me.” Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you! Pam: I literally cannot wait until I see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here. [David Wallace and Michael continue the interview] David: What do you think we could be doing better? Michael: I’ve never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion." [as Tony the Tiger] We’re grrreat! I don’t know, could be good. Or, uh, Super Duper Paper. It’s super duper. I don’t know, something like that. David: Okay. Michael: Okay. David: Thanks for comin’ in, Michael. Michael: Thank you. David: It is always a treat when our paths cross. Michael: It is always a treat when our paths cross. So--oh, before I forget. I wanted to let you know, if you hadn’t already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together. So, I may need to fill out one of those love documents again. David: You’re back together. Michael: Yes, and I am very excited about the prospect of working under her. Or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that’s not sexual, just, we’re all professionals. David: Okay, well. Uh, I thought it was clear in the description of the position. The job you’re applying for is Jan’s job. Michael: I don’t understand. So, we’re gonna tag team it? David: No, we’re letting Jan go. [Dwight runs a lecture in the conference room] Dwight: Listen up. Let’s start from the ground up. Where does paper come from? Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Trees. Dwight: Trees! And where do trees grow? Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Forest. Dwight: Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania topsoil. Now, what would you say, is the most important element in the production of aboveground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? Wrong! It’s nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley. [Stanley slowly looks up from his crossword book] Dwight: When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous state? Stanley: Liquid. Dwight: Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck. Stanley: I don’t want it. Dwight: Then you have been deducted fifty Schrute Bucks! Stanley: Make it one hundred. Dwight: Well... Don’t you wanna earn Schrute Bucks? Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again. Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks? Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns. Dwight: Okay-- Andy: That’s it! Dwight: What-- Andy: Class is canceled, everybody out! Dwight: No, wait! What are you doing? Andy: I’m punishing them. Dwight: No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled. Everyone: [everyone talking at once] Pam: [shouts] Hey! Come on! Let’s listen to Dwight’s presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam] Oscar: What--what are you winking for? Dwight: Zip your lid! [Karen is being interviewed by David Wallace] Karen: So, that’s my basic fiver-year plan. And then after that, who knows? David: Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but… Karen: Yeah? David: What do you think about Michael Scott? Karen: He’s a very nice man. And he’s very well-suited for the job he has now. David: This is off the record. Karen: He would be disaster. [Michael walks slowly through the corporate office, to Jan's office] Jan: Hey, you! Michael: Hey. Jan: How was your interview? Michael: Pretty good. Jan: Yeah? Michael: Could have gone better, I guess. Jan: Oh. [they kiss] Jan: I'll put in a good word for you. Michael: Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later. Jan: What? Michael: Uh, let’s just run away together. Let’s just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings, right? You can pay off my debts. It would be fine. We’d have fun. Jan: What’s--what’s the matter? W--what happened in there? Michael: I can’t tell you. Jan: Tell me what? [Jan walks hurriedly to David Wallace's office and storms in unannounced, Karen sits opposite David, Michael lurks outside] Jan: You son of a bitch! David: Jan, this isn’t the time-- Jan: You’re firing me? David: We’re in an interview— Jan: Where the hell do you get off? David: Frankly, it’s overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic. Jan: Erratic? David: Recently, you don’t even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you’re visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to— Jan: [opens up her overcoat] Is it because of these? Michael: Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan— Jan: I wanna know--I wanna know! Because if it is, then--then, then I will see you in court! David: It’s not. Jan: No? David: It’s not. Jan: ‘Cause he likes them. [points to Michael] Okay? He likes them, and--and that is--that is all I care about. David: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable. Michael: Hey, you’re unstable! Jan: Yeah! Michael: No. We’re all unstable. Jan: Okay, you know what? I’m just not leaving. I’m not leaving. Not leaving. [sits down in David's office] Michael: David, I did not tell her. [Andy watches at Dwight paints his new office black] Andy: It’s like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall. Dwight: It’s like outerspace without the stars. It’s so black. [laughs] Andy: This is gonna look so awesome. Dwight: It’s so intimidating. Anyone who comes in here… is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Andy: [laughs] Totally! [David, Hunter and Michael wait for Jan in reception as she is escorted out with her belongings by a security guard, Jan hugs hunter] Jan: Bye, Hunter. Hunter: Bye. Jan: [exhales loudly] Good luck with your band. Hunter: Oh, thank-- Jan: Don’t let them change you, okay? [Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door] Jan: So long, [censored]. Michael: So, I am gonna give her a ride home. Let me know about the job. David: Actually, Michael, I think we’re gonna take it in another direction. Michael: Good, I’m glad we’re on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions. David: No, we’re not giving you the job. Michael: You know what? That… is actually good… because, um... I don’t think I could take my girlfriend’s job. That’s not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal? David: I do. Michael: Good. Very good. I am glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though? David: Yes. Michael: Good. That’s all I ever wanted. These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them… excellent candidates. [Karen and Jim sit on a couch at corporate reception] Karen: Wow. That was some serious, hardcore self-destruction. Jim: Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though. Karen: Don’t. She’s nuts. [they both laugh] Jim: Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don’t have to stay, if you don’t want. Karen: Okay, good. Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch, and, I was gonna meet them. So… Jim: Okay. Karen: Just call me when you’re done. Jim: Sure. Karen: Good luck, Halpert. [Karen leaves] Jim: Thank you. Receptionist: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure. [Michael drives Jan] Jan: Oh, God! I mean, I just don’t understand! It’s just so rude, you know? I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy! Michael: I know. I know, I’m sorry about that. That was terrible. Jan: Oh, just… No, actually, I think it’s good. You know, it’s fine, actually. I--I do. I really think it’s great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so… [laughs] Michael: Well, it’s… [Jan starts crying, high-pitched whining] Michael: No, don’t cry. It’s gonna be okay. Jan: [sobbing] Oh, I know, I know. It’s just… I’m sorry. It’s just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do? Michael: [whispers] I don’t know. [normal volume] Well, I guess you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. Jan: [exhales] Michael: Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile. Jan: Live together... Actually, wait a minute. This could be great. This could be perfect. You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work. This could work, really! [Michael looks at the camera blankly] [Michael enters the office] Michael: [imitates The Terminator] I’ll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack! Pam: How’d it go? Michael: No. No, Pam. [imitates The Terminator] I’m baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon. [Michael makes an announcement to the office] Michael: Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you, that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. “Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoo-in.” Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. [turns to see his office] Why is my office black? Dwight: To intimidate my subordinates. Michael: That’s stupid. Dwight: It was Andy’s idea. Michael: You shouldn’t have taken it. Bad management. Good thing I’m baaaaaack. [laughs] Ryan, coffee. Ryan: I don’t do that stuff anymore. Michael: No, it’s for me, bimbo. Kids. [Michael walks around the office] Michael: So I’m back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place is like… the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my graveyard… for my bones. Pam: Did Karen get the job? Michael: [to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin’ on that coffee. [Dwight places his belongings back on his desk, he walks up to reception] Dwight: Pam, hello. Pam: Dwight, hello. Dwight: I wanted to thank you. For helping me... when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. [Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute] Pam: No, I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I are just too similar. Maybe one day I’ll find my own Karen. But--you--that is, a, um... you know, not-- A man. A man version. But, uh, until then… I can hold my head up. I’m not gay. [David interviews Jim] David: I don’t know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan. Jim: I should leave. [pretends to get up] [they bot laugh] David: Now, let me ask you a question, Jim. You’re clearly a very bright guy. Jim: Thanks. David: Always hit your numbers. Personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet-- Jim: I’m sorry, wait. So, is the question “How’d I get to be so awesome?” [laughs] Because, I don’t have an answer for you. David: [laughs] Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers? Jim: Yes, absolutely. David: And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out-- Jim: Oh, no, absolutely. David: That’s a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he’s probably the only person you’re not gonna like. [Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads “Jim, Don’t forget us when you’re famous! Pam” It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached] David: Kendall. Ugh. So, first up… Jim: [hands David his papers] There you go. David: How do you think you'd function here in New York? Jim: What’s that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just, um, I really appreciate the buildings, and, uh, the people. And, um, there’s just aa energy New York has. Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. [David laughs] So, that’s a bonus. David: You’ve been in the Scranton branch a long time. [Jim stares at Pam’s note] David: What have you liked most about that place? Jim: The friendships. David: Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So… long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years? [flashback to Beach Games, Jim and Pam talk by the lake] Jim: How are your feet? Pam: Medium rare. Thanks. [they both laugh] Jim: The real reason that I went to Stamford was because I wanted to be… not here. Pam: I know. Jim: And even though I came back, I just feel like I’ve never really… come back. Pam: Well, I wish you would. [phone rings, Pam answers] Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I’ll transfer you. Pam: I haven’t heard anything. But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He’s totally qualified, and smart. Everyone loves him. And, if he never comes back again, that’s okay. We’re friends. And I’m sure we’ll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and… But, you know what? It’s okay. I’m totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally-- [Jim walks in] Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight? Pam: Yes. Jim: All right. Then, it’s a date. Pam: [to camera, tearing up, smiling] I’m sorry, what was the question? [David talks on the phone in his office] David: So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I’m very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughs] Great. I’m so glad. We’re all very excited you’re going to be joining us. It’ll be nice to have another MBA around here. Ryan: [on phone, smiling] I’m excited too. Okay. Bye. Kelly: Who was that? Ryan: [still smiling] Nobody. You and I are done. Kelly: What?! [Ryan smiles and glances at the camera]