Fun Run (Part 1)
Written By: Greg Daniels Directed By: Greg Daniels Transcribed By: Admin [Michael eats a bowl of cereal at his condo] Michael: Okay, well... I did not get the job in New York. But I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk. It’s soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan is sprawled across the bed sleeping] Michael: This is why I do it. That’s what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won’t be up for a few hours. [driving to the office] Michael: This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um… Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team. I feel very blessed. D'oh! [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood] [IT Tech Guy sits at Pam's computer at reception, Pam and Jim lean on the desk] IT Tech Guy: You know, generally it’s not a good idea to click on any internet offers that you haven’t requested. What was the exact offer? Pam: It was for a... video. IT Tech Guy: Yeah, what kind of video? Pam: A celebrity sex tape. Jim: Really? What kind of celebrity? Pam: Not relevant. Jim: How much you pay for it? Pam: Not relevant. Jim: You paid for it? Pam: It all happened so fast. Jim: I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and, uh… it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, that just because we were broken up didn’t mean that she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day, her desk was empty. And as for me and my current romantic life... I, uh… I’m single now and looking. So, if you know anybody... Pam: Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his breakup. It’s really nice to be good friends again. Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They’re just keeping it a secret. Right? [looks at Oscar sitting beside him] Oscar: I don’t know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They’ve been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things. Kevin: Are you kidding me? [Pam and Jim continue their conversation at reception] Pam: And Sunday, I’m thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in. Jim: Oh, that sounds fun. I’m mountain biking on Sunday, on uh... Montage Mountain. Pam: Cool. Jim: Yeah. Pam: Well, have fun with that. [Michael enters the office, and makes an announcement] Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. Jim: What? Dwight: Where? Michael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could. And she is going to be okay. Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that? Oscar: So, she’s really going to be fine? Michael: Yes. She has a slight... pelvical fracture. But, uh, people have survived far worse. Pam: Thank God you were there. Michael: Yeah. Andy: Did you see who did it? Dwight: Oh, no need, we can just check the security tapes. Michael: Aah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her. Jim: Who was driving? Pam: Oh, Michael. Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then. [Michael sits at his desk, Dwight stands behind him] Dwight: It’s only Meredith. Michael: Yeah, it’s only Meredith. Thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something. Dwight: Hey. Why did you do it? Michael: It was an accident. Dwight: Was she talkin’ back? Michael: No. Dwight: Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances? [Pam walks over to accounting] Pam: Hey, guys. We’re all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we’re kicking in five dollars for flowers. Kevin: Who’s we? You and Jim? Pam: No, uh, me and Stanley and Phyllis so far. Kevin: Oh. I bet Jim goes too. Pam: Yeah, I haven’t asked him yet. Kevin: Oh. I bet you ask? Pam: I was planning on it. Kevin: I bet you were. Pam: Angela? Oscar: [whispers to Kevin] Subtle. Kevin: What? Pam: [to Angela] Are you coming? Angela: I can’t. Sprinkles is sick. Angela: She’s been sick for some time. Thank you for asking. No one asks about Sprinkles. [Pam and Angela's conversation continues at accounting] Angela: I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her. And who will she eat lunch with? Pam: Can’t your other cats keep her company? Angela: There’s bad blood. Jealousies, cliques. Pam: Angela, you’re the chairman of the Party Planning Committee. I shouldn’t even be planning this, it’s your job. Angela: [sighs] All right! [Michael sits at his desk, talks to Ryan on speakerphone] Michael: My lord, my liege. Ryan: Yes, Michael? Michael: So, Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton, I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So, who is the real boss? The dog or a fish? [Michael and Ryan continue their conversation] Michael: So, I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back. Ryan: Back? Why is that Michael? Michael: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car. Ryan: Oh! Did you do this on purpose? Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she’s in the hospital, she’s fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in-- Ryan: Did this happen on company property? Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property. So… double jeopardy, we are fine. Ryan: Mm, I don't--I don’t think you understand how jeopardy works. Michael: Oh, right, I’m sorry. What is, "we're fine?" Ryan: [sighs] Ryan: People keep calling me a “Wunderkind”. I don’t even know what that means. I--I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age. So, I guess it makes sense, but… it’s a weird word. [Dwight stands out the back of the warehouse, Angela exits the rear door] Angela: Hey, D. Dwight: [whispers] Hey, monkey, what’s up? Angela: Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine? Dwight: Sure. Angela: I have to visit the alchy. Dwight: Check to see if she’s faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn’t crack my pelvis. You know what? I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some worker's comp. Angela: I wouldn’t put it past her. Dwight: So, what do you need me to do? Angela: I wrote it out. Dwight: Mm-hmm. Angela: There’s a diabetes shot. Roll the insulin in your hands, don’t shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal. But you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won’t see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine. Um, and you wanna give that to her fifteen minutes after she’s eaten. And, oh--there’s a fungal cream, because she has this infection under her tail. [Dwight looks off vaguely in the distance] Angela: So, you’re gonna have to lift her tail, and put the cream right at the base of her tail. [the employees sit in the breakroom, Michael enters and makes an announcement] Michael: Okay, I have an announcement. Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window? Michael: No. Phyllis: You shot Dwight? Michael: No, no. That is not funny. I love my employees. Even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look, I’m just trying to take everybody’s mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So, I thought we should plant a tree. Jim: Oh, good. That means we don’t have to work. Pam: Okay, we’re leaving for the hospital at one. Michael: So, like, a freedom tree. Pam: I can take three people. Jim: I can also take three people. Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars. Michael: Pam. Pam: Alright, we'll get a card at the hospital and we’ll sign it outside her room. Michael: Pam. Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly workers can go at lunch. Michael: Okay, good, good. So, we’ll just all go down there together at lunch. Pam: I-- Michael: Excellent! Pam: I was thinking that we-- Michael: Good work, Pam. Pam: But if you-- Michael: Yaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun? Stanley: You can’t be serious. You ran a woman over this morning. Michael: Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley! Michael: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally, I’ll hit somebody with my car. So, sue me. No, don’t sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make. [everyone walks through the hospital corridors] Michael: Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind, they are associated with sickness. [everyone is by Meredith's bedside] Michael: Oh… She looks like an angel. Kelly: She looks awful. Michael: No--Okay. She always looks like that. That is not my fault. Jim: I think she’s awake. Michael: No. She’s in a coma. Nurse: No. Michael: Okay. Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office, dear. Meredith: At the same time. Michael: Yeah. Stanley: Hello, Meredith. Meredith: This is weird. Michael: Brought you some balloons. Why don’t we-- here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes [IV pops out] Oh, shh-- Meredith: Oh, for God’s sake. Kevin: Whoa! Michael: Nurse. Meredith: No, don’t bother the nurse. Just put it back in. Michael: [groaning] I am going to be sick. I am gonna puke. Jim: I wouldn’t-- I wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t touch it. Nurse: What--what are you doing? Just gimme that. Meredith: Thanks. Kevin: [applauds] Phyllis: Does it hurt terribly? Meredith: No, it’s not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers. Creed: Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone? What? Meredith: I have no idea. Creed: Oh. [chuckles] [everyone looks at Creed, speechless] Meredith: Well, it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I’ll see you guys at the office. Michael: Oh. Okay, wait up, wait up. Guys, guys, guys. Hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me... in front of everybody. Meredith: Michael, I’m not gonna do that. Michael: 'Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness... is next to Godliness. Angela: No, that’s not. That’s next to cleanliness. Michael: Well, just shhh… just--just-- Meredith: You cracked my pelvis Michael: Look, I just-- I don’t understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug. Meredith: You’re not forgiven. Michael: Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith. Pam: Michael! Michael! [all shouting] Meredith: [screams] Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not, like, this compulsive need to be liked. Like, my need to be praised. [Dwight enters the office building, Angela waits in the foyer] Angela: Hey. Dwight: Hey, monkey. Angela: Any problems? Dwight: Well, you left the TV on, and your cat is dead. Angela: What!? Dwight: Sparkles, the white one, is dead. Angela: Sprinkles. Dwight: That was the sick one, right? Angela: Uh-huh. [crying] But I thought she had more time. Dwight: No. Angela: Did she look-- when you saw her, how was she looking? Dwight: Really dead. Like a, just a dead cat. Angela: [sobbing] Dwight: So… Hey, come on. Don’t be sad. Just... Okay. Just-- She’s in a better place. Angela: Alright. Dwight: Actually, the place that she’s in is the freezer. Because of the odor. [Dwight leaves] Angela: [still sobbing] [Pam consoles Angela at reception] Pam: [to Angela] It’s gonna be okay. [Michael exits his office] Michael: Okay, you know what? Everybody, let’s just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis. A tiny, little crack. She's gonna be fine. So, let’s just-- Pam: Michael, Angela’s cat died. Michael: Sprinkles? Angela: [nods] Michael: [sighs] Oh, sh… I’m sorry, Angela. Man, what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then… Sprinkles! God. That’s three things. I’ll tell you what’s going on. This office is cursed. [sighs] And we need to do something about it. Michael: Well, I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I’m not superstitious, but… I’m--I am a little-stitious. [everyone sits in the conference room] Michael: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground? Oscar: Like what? Michael: Like park on it. Or dig up a body… Toby? Do you have anything you wanna tell us? Toby: No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact, I had some good luck recently, Alfredo’s Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so… uh, I got a week of free pies. Pam: That’s cool. Toby: Yeah. Michael: Perfect. So, our tragedy is your good luck. Satan. Angela: Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God, in your infinite wisdom, how could you do this? She wasn’t ready. She had so much left to accomplish. Dwight: It is only a cat. Angela: You never… you don’t like them. Dwight: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat. Oscar: Dwight, please. Michael: Dwight, you haven’t seen Meredith yet, have you? Dwight: No, I have not. Michael: Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects. Dwight: I do not respect her. But I will go. [Dwight leaves] Michael: Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs. Toby: Oh, Michael, you can’t ask about religious beliefs. Michael: Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite. Toby: Alright, well, then you can ask about religious beliefs. Michael: Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright, let’s just go around the room, and--and tell me what you believe in. Stanley: I'm… um, Catholic. Michael: Okay. Darryl: Presbyterian. Michael: Alright. Pam: Oh, me too. Darryl: For real? Pam: [puts hand up for high five] Same religion. Darryl: Alright! [high fives Pam] Phyllis: Uh, I’m a Lutheran and Bob’s a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy. Angela: That’s why we’re cursed. Creed: I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader. [the conversation continues in the conference room] Michael: Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha. Kelly: That’s Buddhist. Michael: Are you sure? Kelly: No. Michael: What are you? IT Tech Guy: Uh, well, if you’re gonna reduce my identity to my religion, then I’m Sikh. But I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I’m restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time. Michael: Okay, so one Sikh, and… [Dwight checks Meredith's breathing as she lays in the hospital bed] Dwight: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we’re using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical. [Dwight sits by Meredith's bed] Dwight: Blink once if you want me to pull the plug. Meredith: Don’t pull any plugs. Intern: How are you doing, Ms. Palmer? Meredith: Better. Intern: Excellent. Dwight: Are you a doctor, or a male nurse? Intern: Um, I’m an intern, which makes me a doctor. Dwight: Pfft… Her chart doesn’t indicate that she had a hysterectomy, but she did, or at least, she got time off for one. Intern: Ah, so, uh… so that is where her uterus went… Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago? Meredith: Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head. Dwight: Just doing my job. Intern: It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon? Meredith: And a rat. Separate occasions. [conversation continues in the conference room] Michael: You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it’s not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn’t make any sense. God is dead. Kelly: If there was a God, then Ryan and I would be married by now. Michael: Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there’s some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice to. Like... a giant buffalo. Or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just… the head of a monkey, with... the antlers of a reindeer. With the body of... [sighs] a porcupine. Jim: I will do some research. Pam: I can help you with that. [Michael sits at his desk, Dwight stands up, leaning against a cupboard] Dwight: So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine. Michael: Ooh! God. Rabies? Dwight: Mm-hmm. Michael: I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that? Is that like an STD? Dwight: No, no. You’ve gotta be bitten by something. Michael: This place is so cursed. Dwight: Actually, the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital. 'Cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in. Lock jaw. [Michael walks out into the office and makes an announcement] Michael: I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith’s life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it. Jim: Six of one, really. Michael: Turns out, Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is, like, ten times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me, she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken, people! [Kevin claps] Michael: Oh, there is a God. And he has a plan for us after all. So, go home, get some rest. Very, very good work today. We got a lot accomplished. Michael: Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus’ dad? [Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying] Kevin: Oh, well. If they aren’t together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they’d be good together, like PB & J. Pam Beesley and Jim. What a waste. What. A. Waste. [Pam’s car pulls out of parking lot and then pulls off to the side of the road] Pam [talks over scence]: I told you I’m not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like, when it’s for real, the last person I’m gonna talk about it to is a camera crew, or my coworkers. [Jim gets into the passenger side] Pam: Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever wanna be. [Jim leans over and kisses Pam] Pam: Trust me, when I fall in love, you’ll know.