Dunder Mifflin Infinity (Part 1)
Written By: Michael Schur Directed By: Craig Zisk Transcribed By: Admin [Pam is in the breakroom getting a soda from the vending machine, Jim enters] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey! Pam: I got you one. [Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim] Jim: Oh, wow, thank you. Pam: Yeah. Jim: I was gonna grab some chips, you want some? Pam: No, thanks. Uh, we’re still having lunch today, right? Jim: I guess. [Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek] Jim: How dare you. [Toby watches Pam leave the breakroom] [Pam and Jim are at their desks, and read a memo, look at each other bemused, Michael walks out of his office] Michael: Hey, Toby. What’s this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff] Toby: Ohh. Michael: [reads memo] I just wanna remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA, or public displays of affection. Toby: Yes, uh, some people in the office have complained-- Michael: Oh, really. Toby: About some other people engaging in PDA. And, you know-- [Michael leans in closer to Toby] Toby: I just wanted to remind it’s not appropriate to--to do that. Michael: Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don’t think--I don’t think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet. And--and most people had left by that point. So, I--I don’t think it’s any of your business. What I think you should do, is roll up the memo, real tight-- Toby: Okay, look the memo is not about you. Angela: [to everyone in the room] For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity. Toby: Alright, everyone, look. It--alright, the complaint was about Jim and Pam. So… Michael: [turns to address Jim and Pam] No way. Dwight: What? Phyllis: You guys are together? Jim: Um… yep. Yes, we are. Michael: Woah! Wow! Andy: Tuna! Michael: Awesome! Kevin: I knew it! Michael: You guys! Yes! Yes! Pam: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us? Toby: Yes. Michael: Okay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] Michael: Okay, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim’s hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today... is the day... that Jim and Pam become one. Jim: Actually, we’ve been dating for a couple months. Michael: I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim] Jim: Ohh... [Michael goes to hug Pam, reception phone rings] Pam: Phone’s ringing. [walks to reception] Michael: No, no, no. Pam, let ’em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because... this is [starts to well up] really good. This is really good. My heart soars... with the eagles nest. Dwight: I don’t see it. I think they both could do better. Angela: It’s not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress. Andy: Jim Halpert’s off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office? [Angela and Phyllis hang a banner that reads "Welcome Back, Ryan" in the conference room] Michael: Hey, can you make that straighter? That’s what she said. Phyllis: Did you plan it? Michael: No. [Michael tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it] Pam: [reads from the paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally? Michael: Blowing up balloons, I thought. Pam: You might want to trim it a little. Phyllis: Michael… [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress] Kelly: [reads sign] Oh, is Ryan coming back today? Pam: Yeah, he is. Kelly: Oh. Michael: Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream. [on CCTV: Dwight stands near the elevator holding something hidden under his coat, Angela walks into the hallway] Angela: What do you want? Dwight: To give you this. [reveals a cat from under a coat] Angela: Oh, what is that? Dwight: It’s a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I’m giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed. Angela: Her name was Sprinkles. Dwight: And his name is, Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage 'cause he likes to eat garbage. [shakes cat] Don’t you, Garbage? [makes chomping noises] Angela: I can’t believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she’s even in the ground. Dwight: You haven’t buried her yet? Angela: Don’t rush me. I’m grieving. Dwight: Garbage can be very helpful, okay? He’s a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. [holds cat towards Angela] Look at him. Angela: I don’t want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! [walks away] [Dwight puts the cat in Bob Vance's office] [Toby sits at his desk typing] Pam: Hey, Toby. Toby: Hey… [sees both Jim and Pam] you two. Jim: Hey. So, now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those "we’re dating" things for the company. Toby: Oh, well, you know, those were only for, you know, [makes quotes with fingers] relationships. So… if--if it's just a casual thing, there’s no need, really. Jim: Oh. Pam: Well, I don’t wanna speak for Jim, but it’s, like, pretty official. [Jim smiles] Toby: Uh-huh. Jim: Sorry, so do we need to... sign one, or… Toby: Let’s just wait and see what happens. [whispers] You know? Jim: What? Toby: Let’s just wait. Jim: Oh, okay. Pam: Okay. Jim: Great. [Jim and Pam walk away] [Ryan enters the office, looking down at his phone] Pam: Hey, Ryan. Welcome back-- Ryan: Hold on one second. [Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds] Hey, Pam! It’s great to see you. Is Michael in? Michael: Hey! Pam: Yeah. Michael: There he is! There he is! He’s back! And he’s with a beard. [laughs] He--He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I’m Tubs. Ryan: Okay. Should we get started? Michael: Oh, yeah, let’s get started because, uh, yes, 'cause uh this is very serious business and, um-- Ryan: Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting. Michael: Business meeting-- Kevin: [rubs hands in Ryan’s hair] Fire Guy! Ryan: Stop that! Stop that! Michael: That’s right! That’s right! Ryan: [to Kevin] You scared me. Michael: Fire guy. Don’t start any fires, Ryan. Andy: Fire guy! [makes flames with his hands] Kevin: You weren’t here for that. Andy: Here for what? Kevin: When he started the fire. Michael: Look how big he is. Look at you. You are so mature, and old and little man now. You’re like our little man-- Ryan: Okay. Kevin: Little old man boy. Ryan: Michael, everybody... Umm… Michael: Beard. Kevin: Bearded man boy. Ryan: Let me say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I’d like your respect. I am your boss now. You’re gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan. Michael: Oh, wow! Ryan: So… Michael: Mmm... That’s a little kinky. I don’t swing that way. Ryan: Okay… Michael: Woo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me. Ryan: Enough! Okay? This is inappropriate, and it stops right now. Do you understand? Michael: Yes. Everybody, come on. Settle down. Let’s get serious here. Um, Ryan has a very special, important presentation to do. Which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] ten minutes? Ryan: Perfect. Michael: Sounds good? Okay. Alright. Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, “Dude, we’re friends. I’m doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we’ll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.” His words. [Ryan gives his presentation in the conference room] Ryan: Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The centerpiece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains. Jim: Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I’m not really sure what’s wrong with it. [Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading “Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!”] [Ryan continues his presentation] Ryan: This is a massive overhaul. We’re getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the marketplace. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use. Michael: Ohh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Ryan: I’ll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight? Dwight: What if we don’t want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless? Ryan: This is company-wide, Dwight. Dwight: Got it. [Andy’s raises his hand] Ryan: Andy. Andy: We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together? Ryan: Any other questions? [Kelly’s raises her hand] Ryan: Kelly Kapoor. Kelly: Can we speak privately about our relationship? Ryan: Thank you, everybody! Michael: Ryan Howard, everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave] Creed: That’s some fun stuff. When does the website go up? Ryan: As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system. Creed: Cool beans. [Creed talks to Michael, who sits at his desk] Creed: We’re screwed. Michael: Who is? Creed: Us. You and me. The old timers. Michael: I am not old. You are old. You are, like, a hundred. Creed: You’re over forty. That’s the cutoff. Are you listening to what he’s saying? Retraining. New system. Youth. I’m telling you, this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we’re goners. [Jim and Pam sit at a table in the breakroom and eat lunch] Jim: Swore I wouldn’t tell anyone this, but... in the interest of... revealing secrets... Oh, my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela... dating. Have been for six months. Pam: No... Jim: Swear to God. [Pam shakes her head] Jim: Oh, this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun. Pam: No, they have been dating for, like, two years. Since before your barbeque. Jim: Wait. What? [Pam nods her head] Jim: You knew? And you didn’t say anything? Pam: You didn’t say anything to me. Jim: Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating, like, a long time ago. Pam: Can you believe that? [Phyllis walks in] Phyllis: Sorry, I didn’t know you guys were in here. Jim: Oh, no, we’re just sitting here. Phyllis: I couldn’t see your hands. [Jim shows his hands] Phyllis: Oh, hey, Pam, by the way, it’s great that you’re dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a salesperson. You can’t base who gets new clients on who you’re sleeping with that week. Okay? Pam: Okay. Phyllis: Okay. Jim: Okay. Jim: And… that is why we waited so long to tell people. [Michael sits at his desk, Ryan sits across from him, on his phone, Michael mocks him] Ryan: Okay, what’s up? Michael: Yeah, okay. Um, I was just… After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie me in the office, everything is business as usual? Ryan: Well, it is business, but not as usual. Michael: Yeah, I know, I understand. We’re making great strides and we’re updating, but business as usual, no? Ryan: No. [shakes head] We’re throwing out the entire playbook. We’re starting from scratch. We’re implementing a brand new system. Michael: Good, so, we’re on the same page? Ryan: No. We’re not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and manpower are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself. Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that’s who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia. Taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans. [Kelly stands at her desk in the annex, Ryan walks to her] Ryan: So... How are you? Kelly: Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys. Ryan: Good. Kelly: A lot. Black guys, mostly. Ryan: Kelly… Kelly: What?! [Phyllis and Stanley sit at their desks, Phyllis attempts to use the Blackberry] Phyllis: Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time? Stanley: I don’t know. Phyllis: Did you even try? Stanley: If the kid wants to set mine up, I’ll let him. Phyllis: I can’t see half of the things. [adjusts glasses] Stanley: It’s too little. Use the phone. [Kelly and Ryan continue their conversation, Toby listens on] Kelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want. Ryan: Kelly, I’m your boss now, okay? You can’t keep talking to me like I’m your boyfriend. Kelly: Oh, big strong man. Fancy new whatever. I don’t think you ever cared about me. Ryan: I never cared about you? Six months ago, Karen Filippelli sent me an email, asking me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship. Kelly: Well, I hope you’re still committed because I’m pregnant. Kelly: [shaking head] [Kelly and Ryan continue their conversation] Kelly: And guess what, buddy? [points at Ryan] I am keeping it. Ryan: Okay. Okay. Kelly: Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby? Ryan: I ca-- I can’t talk about this right now, okay? After work, we’ll go out to dinner, we’ll talk about it then, okay Kelly: We have a date! [Dwight is in the kitchen, Angela enters] Dwight: Hello. Angela: Hello, Dwight. I’ve been thinking about things. And I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight? Dwight: Really? Angela: Yes. Dwight: I’ll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side. Angela: I would prefer a public place. See you after work. [leaves] [Jan enters the office, dressed in a track suit] Jan: Hi, Pam. Pam: Hi. Jan: Is Michael in? Pam: In his office. You can go right in. Jan: [to Ryan] Hey. Ryan: Jan. Jan: Ryan. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. Ryan: So, elephant in the room, I have your old job. Jan: Well, not exactly... my job. I had a different title. Ryan: Oh, well, excuse me. Same office. Same responsibilities. Jan: Different salary. [laughs] You’ll get there, don’t worry. Ryan: Well, you look great. Jan: Thank you. Thank you. Ryan: Scranton suits you. Jan: Best decision I ever made. Ryan: You were let go. Jan: You know what? Love the beard. Keep it forever. [goes into Michael’s office] Michael: Hey. Jan: Hey. [Michael and Jan eat their lunch in Michael's office] Michael: [holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles? Jan: What? Michael: I don’t wanna grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids. Jan: So, what’s Ryan doing here? Michael: Oh, I dunno. They’re launching a big new business plan. New website. Blah, blah, blah. He’s being a real twerp about it too. It’s all about youth, and agility and streamlining. And trying to squeeze out the older people. Jan: He’s such a snake. Michael: Well… Jan: I hope he’s gets hit with an ageism suit. Michael: What is that… word? Jan: Ageism? You know, companies, they can’t discriminate against people due to old age. Like, a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age, and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off. Michael: So older people have just as many rights as younger people? Jan: Yes, Michael. They do. [Creed enters the office with hair dyed jet black] Oscar: Creed? Creed: Yes, sir? Oscar: Everything, okay? Creed: Everything’s cool, dude. Creed: I’m thirty. Well, in November I’ll be thirty. [everyone sits in the conference room, Ryan enters] Ryan: Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here. Pam: Michael told us to wait in here. We don’t know why. Ryan: [notices pictures on the wall] Ohh, man. Michael: Good, we’re all here. We can get started. Ryan: Michael. Michael: Have a seat. Ryan: We’re not doing this today. Michael: Have a seat. Like everybody else. Ryan: Okay. This is for everyone's-- Michael: Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Michael: Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine. But they are also illegal. Because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know... that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees forty years of age or older? I did. Toby: Technically, he’s right. Michael: Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much? Creed: Because they’re lame. Michael: No, Creed. No, they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like “where’s the Beef?” [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Michael: Yeah. Jim: Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot. Pam: Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too. Michael: I was going to put up some new pictures, but, um, all of the ink in the printer was gone. [camera pans to Creeed] Pam: Oh. [man enters conference room] Robert Dunder: Michael Scott? Michael: [puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [they shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who’s this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in] Dwight: Oh, yeah! Yes! Robert Dunder: Thank you, everyone. Ryan: Michael, can I talk to you a second? ]leaves the conference room] Michael: Sure thing. Excuse me. [leaves the conference room and closes door] [Ryan and Michael talk outside the conference room] Ryan: We have actual work to do. Michael: Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other] [Michael continues his ageism meeting in the conference room] Michael: Bob, how old are you? Robert Dunder: I’m eighty-seven. Michael: Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin? Robert Dunder: Well, I--I--I haven’t been to a board meeting in years. I--I send a proxy. Michael: Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you. Dwight: I’m going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be one hudred and one. My grandpa Manheim is one hundred and three, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation. [the ageism meeting in the conference room continues] Robert Dunder: I started this company in 1949. Michael: Wow. Robert Dunder: Back then, it was an--an industrial supplier of metal brackets, mostly for--for construction. Michael: Oh, boy. Robert Dunder: And then Mifflin... of course, he killed himself later. Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club. Michael: Great. Robert Dunder: And he was--he was [laughs] at dinner with Beverly and her husband. Wha--what was his name? Um... Uh, Jerry. Jerry Trupiano... from--from South Jersey. And he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys. Michael: Great. Robert Dunder: And-- Michael: That’s great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering Robert out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride? Robert Dunder: Well I--I--I came here in a cab. Michael: Perfect. [starts closing the door] Robert Dunder: Well, could you get me another… [Michael closes door] Michael: Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Because it’s illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand] Pam: I think that I should help him get home. [Robert stands outside the conference room] Michael: No, No. Don’t help him. He doesn’t need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] Michael: What a nice guy. [everyone leaves for the day] Michael: Good night, guys. Ryan: Well, today was a fantastic waste of time. Michael: I disagree, I think it was very valuable. Ryan: Michael, technology helps business, okay? You should not resist it. This is the way the world is moving. Michael: Well, I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it. Ryan: Okay. I look forward to hearing your ideas. [Michael retreats back to office] [Kelly walks up to Ryan] Ryan: Where do you wanna go? Kelly: You know, some place romantic and expensive. Ryan: Kelly, come on. Kelly: You know what? You’re right. I’m feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. [Ryan hesitates and takes her hand, they exit] [Dwight and Angela are out at dinner] Dwight: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles? Angela: Very much. How’s your meat? Dwight: Dry. Delicious. Angela: I heard a joke today. Dwight: Oh, that’s funny. Angela: Yes, it was. Dwight: Are you enjoying your mineral water? Angela: I can’t do this. I can’t be with you. Every time I look in your eyes, I see Sprinkles’ stiff, lifeless body. Dwight: Then don’t look in my eyes. Look right here [points to middle of forehead above the eyes], it’s an old sales trick. Angela: I’m sorry. I gave this everything I could. Dwight: No, please, don’t do this, monkey. Angela: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. [gets up and leaves restaurant] Ryan: I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise, but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. It was two hundred dollars.