Money (Part 1)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Paul Lieberstein Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Coat! [throws coat at Pam] Pam: Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his Netflix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow. Michael: Steak! Where’s my steeaaak? Pam: He’s a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s identified with her character. Michael: Get me Armani. Pam: A suit? Michael: On the phone. Pam: Like the main company number? Because I’m gonna have to call information. Michael: Where’s Armani? He’s on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I’m so much better than you are. [breaks into laughter] Michael: I owe you an apology. Pam: You finished the movie. Michael: Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won’t ruin it for you. Pam: No. Go ahead. Michael: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what’s best for you, Mo Chuisle. Pam: Mo Chuisle. He’s watching Million Dollar Baby… He’s gonna try to kill me. Michael: So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes. Jan: You do. Michael: I haven’t heard the same about you. So let’s just go with mine. Jan: Well, they both go with the carpet I’ve ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too. Michael: We already have a sofa. So why do— Jan: A futon’s not a sofa. Michael: It… folds up. You’ve only seen it flat. Jan: I know what a futon is, Michael. Michael: I--okay. How much is this going to cost? Jan: It costs what it costs. Michael: No--don’t… that doesn’t even mean anything. Jan: We have gone through this. Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise. Michael: It’s just that you say it’s gonna cost what it costs— [phone rings] Pam: [on the phone] Michael, it’s Ryan for you. Jan: Conniving little runt. Put him through. Michael: Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man! Ryan: [on the phone] I sent you an email about the new PowerPoint. Michael: Yes, and thank you for sending that to me. Ryan: I had IT install the updated PowerPoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using PowerPoint. Michael: Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up. Ryan: Hold on, I’ll get them on the phone. Michael: [looking at nothing] Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it. Jim: [talking on phone] Sure, I can hold. Dwight: [picks up phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. [opens book, then picks up phone] Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I’m sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don’t conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein! Jim: Hey Dwight. Dwight: None of your business, Jim. Jim: Do you run the bed and breakfast? Dwight: It is not a B and B. Dwight: Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast. Jim: Does the Department of Health know about this? Dwight: I’m not telling you anything. [looking into the camera] Permits are pending. [phone rings] Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin. Pam: Hello, I’m looking for a room. Dwight: Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones. Pam: It says here you cater to the elderly. Dwight: Where did you read that? Pam: Trip Advisor. Dwight: Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That’s what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you’ll ever see. Dwight: How many in your party? Pam: Two? Dwight: We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you’ll be interested in, um, Mose’s table making demonstration? Jan: So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight. Michael: Oh! Um, actually, I need the car. Jan: Why? Improv? Why don’t you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car? Michael: Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we’re down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her. Dwight: One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask. Angela: What about my cherub figurine? Dwight: You took that with you. Angela: No I left it on my night table— your night table, by the lamp. Dwight: You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn’t see it there. Angela: Fine. Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don’t care, they’re your oats. Kevin: The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it’s so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you? Michael: You can not, I have a thing tonight. Kevin: Dammit. Jim: Uh, Michael. Michael: What? Jim: That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight. Michael: Oh no, I have a thing tonight. Jim: Darn it! Pam: Shoot! Michael: How about this weekend? Jim: No, can’t. Pam: We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you. Michael: Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, okay. All right. Jim: Where are you going out tonight? Michael: You wouldn’t understand. It’s a secret. Jim: I wouldn’t understand or a secret? Pam: You wouldn’t understand, Jim. It’s a secret. Michael: I’m sorry Mr. O’Brian, I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won’t be that fast, but it will–[notices camera]– it will be that easy. Jim: I can’t believe this place is real. I mean, I’ve heard about his beet farm for years, but wow. Pam: The Beets Motel. Jim: The Beets Motel? That is, wow. Pam: Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon! Jim: How are you doing this? Pam: I don’t know! [Mose starts running by the left side of the car] Pam: Oh my gosh. Michael: I just love sales. I love it to death. It’s as simple as that. And I don’t get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing. Nick: What’s going on here? Michael: Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call. Nick: We’re a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commission-- Michael: No, they’re with me, so… this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars! Dwight: We have three rooms, each with a different theme. Pam: What are the themes? Dwight: American, Irrigation, and Night-Time. Pam: Irrigation. Jim: Nice. Dwight: I’ll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions? Jim: Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story. Dwight: No. Jim: Not even Harry Potter? Dwight: No. Jim, come on. Mose: But you promised. Dwight: Mose, bags! Now! Dwight: Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I’ll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we’ll get that power back on. All righty. Nick: Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes. Michael: These meetings are useless. Nick: I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it? Michael: Very inspirational. [laughter] Nick: We’re offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Okay. Co-Worker 1: Or a woman. Michael: Or a trained seal. [laughter] Nick: You could make jokes when you’ve made a sale there rookie, okay? [laughter ends] Jim: Hmmm, I’d say 1 in 6. Pam: What? Jim: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were in being murdered here tonight. Jim: You know, I’ve just realized, this is Pam’s and my first night away together. I use to play it over my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a uh, nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner. Wine… uh but, wine that wasn’t made out of beets. Didn’t think Dwight would be involved at all. And uh, I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just… less. Dwight: Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the— Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow! Michael: Yes, is Mr. Hudson there? Stanley: [on the phone] Yes, who is this? Michael: I’m just calling because you responded positively to the— Stanley: Michael? Michael: …Stanley? Stanley: Why are you calling me here at home? Michael: [Spanish accent] Senor, are you happy with your— Stanley: Michael, I know that’s you. Why are you calling me here at home? Michael: [speaking with a different voice] Have you— Have you considered satellite television? Stanley: Michael, I know that’s you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? [Michael hands up] Stanley: [on the phone] When I’m at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott. Michael: Well your son sounds like he’s really motivated. I think it’s crazy the coach won’t play him frankly. Nick: [hangs up phone] My office. Michael: You bet. Nick: Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don’t know why we have to keep on having this conversation. Michael: Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes— Nick: A few more minutes is a waste of our time. Michael: It is not a waste of our time. Nick: This is a trading game. Michael: No. Nick: You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That’s how Vikram does it. Michael: Vikram doesn’t have my people skills. Nick: Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night. Michael: Well, I hope this conversation has helped. Dwight: [reading to Jim, Pam, and Mose] And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort’s surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. “Harry?” It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing. Michael: What did you get tonight? Vikram: Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice. Michael: Oh, that looks good. Vikram: Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again? Michael: I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening. Vikram: Enjoy. Michael: Thank you. Vikram: I was a surgeon back home. Michael: Really? Vikram: Oh yeah. Michael: Wonder what I would’ve been back home? Vikram: Well this is your home. Michael: I know, but it’s competitive here. What’s a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something. Vikram: Uhh, no. Michael: I would’ve been chief of surgery… Or a cowboy. Jim: [Jim and Pam hear noise] Wait, you’re going up there? Pam: Yeah. Coward. Pam: [Pam sees Mose in an outhouse] Oh my God. What century is this? Michael: You know what, here’s the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he’s just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he’s an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He’s invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It’s not Terminator. Co-Worker 2: Dude, you should review movies. [other co-workers agree] Michael: I actually wrote a movie. Co-Worker 3: Really? Michael: I’m writing one, yeah. Co-Worker 3: What’s it about? Michael: Um, sort of a spy, thriller… Nick: What’s so captivating? [everyone stops talking, go back to work] I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it’s keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that’s how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking. Pam: [Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying] Ugh, your turn. Dwight: [Jim knocks on Dwight’s door, crying stops] Come in. Did you have another nightmare? Jim: Hey Dwight. Dwight: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose. Jim: Does Mose have nightmares? Jim: Oh yes. Ever since the storm. Dwight: Is everything satisfactory with your stay? Jim: Yeah, yeah. Dwight: Great. Jim: Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here. Dwight: Oh. Well I’ll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff. Jim: Good night, Dwight. [Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying] Co-Worker 2: Yeah, so we’re all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come? Co-Worker 3: We’d love for you to come, Michael. Michael: Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning. Co-Worker 2: All right, next time dude. Michael: Okay, see you guys. [Sees Jan] Hey, how you doin’? Jan: You drive, I had too much wine. Michael: Okay. How’s yoga? Jan: I didn’t go. Michael: Wh-Why not? Jan: I just didn’t! Michael: Okay. Jan: How was improv? Michael: Good night Vikram. Vikram: Good night. Michael: Hey, congrats on the bonus. Vikram: Thank you Michael. Michael: I’m gonna have it one of these nights. Vikram: Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah. Michael: Good night. Vikram: Good night. Pam: Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight, how are you? Dwight: Pam. Jim: You okay? Dwight: I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. [Ryan walks in] Ryan: Hey guys! What’s happening? How’s my favorite branch doin’? Ryan: Okay, Michael, why don't you start us off? Michael: Um… that wasn’t much of an introduction. Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott. Michael: Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we’re gonna be talking… about…PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! Michael: Yes I forgot about Ryan’s presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery. Michael: And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that’s what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register— Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes. Ryan: Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint? Michael: Why? Ryan: You didn’t prepare a presentation at all, did you? Michael: No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that. Ryan: I’m your boss. Michael: My other boss, Mr. Figaro. Ryan: You have another job? Michael: What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one’s business but mine and my other business’. Jim: Are you a cocktail waitress? Ryan: You can not have another job if it affects your work here. Michael: It won’t. Ryan: It did, all ready. Michael: Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. [Kelly laughs] Kelly: You’re so funny. Ryan: Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse. Kelly: I invited him. Ryan: It’s not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn’t information you need. Darryl: There’s information here? Yeah, you’re right, I don’t need this. Kelly: Okay. [makes out with Darryl] Darryl: Hey, get off. Kelly: Umm, see you later tonight. Darryl: I have plans later. Kelly: Okay, bye honey. Ryan: How long until you actually get this presentation ready? Michael: Why don’t you do the presentation, because you know how to do it? Ryan: You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever. Michael: Huh, okay. Ryan: What? Michael: It’s whoever, not whomever. Ryan: No, it’s whomever. Michael: No, whomever is never actually right. Jim: No, sometimes its right. Creed: Michael is right. It’s a made-up word used to trick students. Andy: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word. Oscar: Obviously it’s a real word, but I don’t know when to use it correctly. Michael: Not a native speaker. Kevin: I know what’s right, but I’m not gonna say, because you’re all jerks who didn’t come see my band last night. Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct? Kevin: I don’t know. Pam: It’s ‘whom’ when it’s the object of a sentence, and ‘who’ when it’s the subject. Phyllis: Yeah, that sounds right. Michael: Well it sounds right, but is it? Stanley: How did Ryan use it? As an object? Ryan: As an object. Kelly: Ryan used me an object. Stanley: Is he right about that? Pam: How did he use it again? Toby: It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object. Michael: Thank you. Toby: To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word. Michael: No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever’s name is Toby, why don’t you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull. Ryan: Wait! This doesn’t matter. And I don’t even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you’re fired here. Michael: I’ve never done this before. I’ve never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history. Michael: Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company— Mr. Figaro: Lipophedrine Michael: And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin. Mr. Figaro: Never heard of it. Michael: In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can’t do this. Mr. Figaro: Are you quitting? Michael: I am. Mr. Figaro: Come back anytime, don’t forget to disinfect your headset. Michael: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.