Dinner Party
Written By: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Stanley: This is ridiculous. Phyllis: Do you have any idea what time we’ll get out of here? Michael: Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. [to Jim] Do you have plans tonight? Jim: Nope I don’t, remember when you told us not to make plans ’cause we’re working. Michael: Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I’m – God, I’m so mad! [on phone] This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don’t want to work. No we don’t! It’s not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We’re not going to do it! [hangs up] Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday. Dwight: Thank you Michael. Michael: All right, happy Friday. [to Jim] Well I think we dodged a bullet there. Jim: I think you did. Michael: I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks? Jim: Oh, I- Michael: You said you didn’t have plans. That’s what you said. Jim: Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we’ve been able to get out of it. But I’ve got to give him credit, he got me. Because I’m starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate. Dwight: Michael, what time should I be arriving? Michael: Dwight, it’s couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy. Andy: Hey-o! Dwight: Does it bother me that I wasn’t invited to Michael’s dinner party? [breaks down crying] Jan: Hi. Michael: Hello. Jim: Hi. Jan: How are you? Michael: Come on in. Good to see you. Jan: Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe? Michael: Yes I would. So, what have you been doing? Jim: Let’s see, since I saw you an hour ago? Michael: Yeah. Jim: I have been getting ready and then driving over here. Michael: Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing. Jim: Really? Michael: Except driving. Pam: We got you this. [gives a bottle of wine] Jan: Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with. Michael: Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don’t know, make yourself to home. This is our casa. Pam: It’s really nice. Jan: So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetisers first? Jim: Tour, let’s do the tour first. Michael: Okay. Jan: Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first? Michael: Totally your call babe. Jan: Alright, well, let’s go then, I say upstairs. Jim: Oh, you guys doing a little construction? Michael: Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door. Jan: Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we’re still a work in progress here. Michael: Well, thats… Jan: This is my office. Michael: Yep, never been used. Jan: Not super exciting. Michael: No. Jan: And this is my workspace. Michael: This is it, check that out, can you smell that? [the room is filled with candles that say “Serenity by Jan”] Pam: Uh-huh. Michael: As you can smell there’s a lot of different odors going on in here. Pam: So you have an office and a workspace? Jan: I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I’m sure that you’re the same with your doodles. [puts a candle to Jim’s nose] Smell. Jim: It’s fire. Jan: Uh-huh, Bonfire. Michael: Bond. Jan: Men love this one. Michael: James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. [clicks tongue] Jan: When I get frustrated, or irritated or… angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away. Jim: Just like that. Jan: Just like that. Jan: So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white. Michael: Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color. Jan: [puts away video camera facing the bed] Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up. Michael: Well, I- Jan: Shame on you. Pam: What a cute bench. Michael: Thanks, that’s my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy. Jim: Really? ’cause… seems pretty narrow… and short. Michael: It’s actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. [Lies down] Jan: See, he fits perfectly. Michael: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. [reveals a tiny TV] I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? [moves TV back a couple inches] Voila, right in the wall. Jim: Wow. Michael: Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table. Jim: What is that chestnut? Michael: No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry. Jan: It’s pine. Jim: Michael, I’m just terrible at all this stuff, so that’s really cool. Jan: Really? Pam: Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn’t have audio for a week. Michael: If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away. Jan: I bet you are. Jim: Well, I saw – oh your Dundies. I’m surprised they’re not out on the coffee table for everybody to see. Jan: It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said “Honey keep the trophies.” Michael: Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies. Jan: [doorbell] Oh, excuse us just a second. Michael: I’ll get it. Jan: [Andy and Angela enter] So glad you’re finally able to be here. Angela: [Michael tries to hug Angela] No, no. Michael: Okay. Andy: Tuna! What’s up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? [to Pam] I bet you’re sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! [to Jan] These are for you. [hands flowers] Jan: Oh, how thoughtful. Michael: Very nice. Andy: Except for one flower, which is for… my flower. Jan: Aw. Angela: What am I supposed to do with this? Jan: How ’bout we do the short tour and then I’ll start dinner? Pam: Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it. Jan: Oh no no no, it’s just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done. Pam: Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00? Jan: You know Pam, in Spain they often don’t start eating until midnight. Michael: When in Rome. Jan: Do you have a preference, upstairs first? Michael: Whatever you say babe. Jan: Follow me. Michael: All right. Michael: How ’bout a toast. Shall I? Here’s to good friends. All: Cheers. Michael: Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth. Jim: What was that? Jan: So music, should we turn some music? Michael: Yeah that sounds good. Jan: Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter. Hunter’s CD: You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah. Michael: You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him. Jan: Well I think he’s probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me. Angela: Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes. Pam: [To camera] I don’t care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realise is a lot to ask for… at a dinner party. Andy: [playing charades] No it’s a… hump. There’s a hump. Jan: Joe Camel! Andy: Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital. Pam: Montana. Jan: Oh! Pam: Joe Montana! Andy: Yes! Yes. Pam: Why didn’t you just say 49ers quarterback? Michael: All right, [rhythim clapping] my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn. Jan: Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down? Michae: What, no, I’m just making people laugh. Jan: No. Michael: Yes, I was watching Jim’s face. Jan: I was watching Jim. Michael: And he was laughing. Jan: No smiling. Michael: Look at him, he’s laughing. Jim: Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it’s called ‘Let’s see how uncomfortable we can make our guests’ and they’re both winning. So I’m going to make a run for it. [holds cellphone] Jim: You’ll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage. Pam: Oh, okay. Michael: Well you don’t need two of you to do that. Jim: That’s true. Um… dinner sounded delicious. Pam I’ll see you at home, thank you so much. Pam: Oh Jim, I don’t think you’re going to abandon this party here all by itself. Jim: I don’t know because I everything I own is there. Pam: You can buy new stuff but you can’t buy a new party. Michael: That’s true, that’s a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right. Andy: Michael, you’re up. Michael: All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom-- Jan: No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes. Michael: All right, okay, okay, you’re getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean cruise. Angela: I don’t know. Jim: Katie Holmes. Michael: No, Baah! But he’s married to her! Jim: Oh, Dawson’s Creek. Michael: No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no, no, I’m gonna pass, I’m gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger. Jan: No rhyming! Jim: Not really a rhyme. Angela: Another clue, another clue. Michael: Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator. Angela: Those aren’t helpful. Jim: Tom Cruise! Michael: No! Andy: Time! Michael: God, does anybody read the paper?! Pam: [Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering] Oh, thank you. Michael: You’re welcome. Jan: [eyes Pam] I’m so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It’s actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it? Michael: I don’t like that story babe. Jan: Come on, it’s a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck! Michael: Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don’t. I shouldn’t say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible. Jan: You are so right, you’re so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil. Michael: Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I’m in hell! Aaahhh I’m burning, help me! Angela: You shouldn’t joke about that. Pam: Is there more wine in the kitchen? Jan: I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn’t get. It’s okay, I don’t mind. In fact you know what, girl’s trip, Angela come on. Girl’s trip. Jan: [checking the oven] Uh, not even close. Angela: So you keep a very tidy house. Jan: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don’t have to tell you Pam. Pam: No, yeah. What? Jan: Oh well don’t tell me that he’s really changed since you guys dated. Pam: Oh, are you joking? Jan: Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him. Pam: I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever. Angela: I’ve noticed how you look at him at the office. Jan: Mmhmm. Michael: [in the garage] So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand [the chairs are shaped like hands]. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan’s candles. Jim: Oh no she just put it in front of my face. Michael: Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of “Serenity by Jan” What do you think about that? Andy: Thought about it, I’m in. Jim: I’m sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan’s company? Michael: I’m sorry. [doorbell rings] What now? Jan: Coming! [Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler] Dwight: Hello. Jan: What are you doing here? Dwight: We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right? Pam: [whispering] Awesome. Jan: What is he doing here? Angela: Yes, What are you doing here? Michael: Dwight is my friend. Woman: We weren’t invited? Michael: You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn’t have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person. Jan: Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want. Michael: Whatever I want? It’s never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see? Jan: We saw Wicked. Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn’t so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn’t want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children. Jan: I am so sorry that I don’t want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let’s have a [bleep]ing kid. Michael: Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away] Jan: I hate my life. Dwight: So can we come in? Dwight: Hmmm… Mmm… great turkey leg. Jan: [crying] I’m just gonna check on dinner. [Jan gets up from the table] Dwight: Angela, would you like some of my beet salad? Angela: I hate beet salad. Woman: It’s actually really good. Dwight: Hey hey hey hey. [to Angela] I know you love beet salad. I’ve seen you eat it many times. Angela: The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit. Michael: [leans across to Pam whispering] Pam… I hope she didn’t do anything to the food. Pam: [whispers] Like… like what? Michael: I can’t prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. [Jan serves the food] Hey, looks great babe. Andy: Yeah it does. Pam: I know Jan didn’t poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn’t it be me? Michael’s former lover? Jan: [Michael dips his steak into his wine] Can you not do that? It’s disgusting. Michael: You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that? Jan: Oops. Michael: Excuse me for a second. [gets up from the table] Jim: [to babysitter] So… how do you guys know each other? Woman: I was his babysitter. Pam: And now you guys are dating? Dwight: Purely carnal and that’s all you need to know. Jim: Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions… Woman: E-mail? Jim: Nevermind. Michael: Ok… alright… here we go. [takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign] There. [plugs it in] Oooookay. Jim: That’s nice. Michael: Everybody enjoying their meal? Jan: Hey babe? Michael: Yeah? Jan: How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it. Michael: No. No. I’m gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together. Jan: Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter’s CD really loud] Michael: [to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don’t think he’s that good. Jan: At least he’s an artist. Michael: BFD. I’m a screenwriter. Jan: [shouting] AND I’M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON’T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT! Michael: NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS! Jan: FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY! Michael: MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES! Jan: YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT! Michael: OH GOOD. I’LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER! Jan: AND YOU’RE HARDLY MY FIRST! Michael: [yells] THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael’s dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.] Woman: I’m gonna get going. Dwight: Fine. Get outta here. Jim: It’s getting late. Michael: You know what guys, she’ll be out of the bathroom soon. Jim: [Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door] Of course Dwight: Get out of my way, I’ll take care of this. OK.[to police] Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers? Officer 1: Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance? Michael: Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party. Officer 2: The neighbors said they heard some shouting. Michael: Oh… yes. There was some screaming but… um… my girlfriend… threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma. Officer 1: You wanna press charges? Michael: Would she get into trouble? Officer: Yes. She’d be charged. Michael: I will take the fall. I did it. Officer 2: You know you don’t have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet. Jan: [running out the door)] Michael! [pleading] Michael. What are you doing to him? Officer 1: Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here? Dwight: [puts his hand on the Officer’s shoulder] Michael can come home with me. Michael: Jim? Pam? Jim: Oh… my apartment’s on fire Pam: [whispers] Flooded. Jim: Flooded. Dwight: You people. [to Michael] Come on. You’re sleeping with me. Michael: No. Dwight: I’m gonna take you home Michael. Michael: Nope. Dwight: Alright. [leads Michael away] Jan: Bye Babe! Pam: [Pam and Jim are sitting in Jim’s car in front of Detroit Coney Island Chili Dogs] This is the best burger I’ve ever had, babe. Jim: You know, babe, I should have told you but… I did something bad. Pam: Hmm? Jim: [holds up Hunter’s CD] I stole this. [Pam laughs] For you babe. Pam: [Hunter’s voice starts singing, Pam joins in] One night… [Cut to Michael holding his head out of Dwight’s car] [Cut to Andy and Angela in Andy’s car eating Ice cream. Andy tries to steal a bite of Angela’s. She rolls down the window and smashes it against his car] [Jan is watching Michael’s cracked plasma screen TV and tries to fix his Dundie.] [Michael and Dwight slow at a red light and see the woman at the bus stop, she waves to Dwight, who passes her by.]