Night Out
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Ken Whittingham Transcribed By: Admin Pam: What’s wrong Michael? Michael: I got gum in my hair. Pam: You do. Michael: This just stinks. Don’t touch it, please don’t touch it. Dwight: You’ve got a ton of dandruff. Michael: Okay, let me be. Jim: How’d you get gum in your hair? Michael: I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley’s car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil. Jim: But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter. Michael: Kill me… right now. Pam: We have peanut butter in the kitchen. Michael: I don’t feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich. Jim: Nope. Not for you it’s for your hair, and it is 9 am. Pam: No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad. Michael: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we’re talking about. Michael: Smells good. Dwight: Taste good too. Michael: Oh don’t. That’s disgusting. Dwight: Wow! Lot of calories. Michael: Well just don’t leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that’s nice. Dwight: Hey Michael, how was your date last night? Michael: [sighs] Michael: I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude… that, but the women I’m getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren’t nice, or that have great personalities, they just… They just lack a certain… Crawfordness. Oscar: I am livid, Absolutely livid. Angela: It’s ridiculous. Ryan: Yes, I’m having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can re-enter sales that they made on the phone as sales that were made by the website which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working. Ryan: My favorite branch. How’s everybody doing? Jim: Hey man, you mind if I run something by you? Ryan: Love it. Go. Jim: Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don’t know that a website’s going to be able to replace that. Ryan: I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that. Jim: Thanks. Ryan: David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right? Jim: Did I? I don’t… Ryan: You did. Yeah. Jim: Hmm. Ryan: Watch your back Jim. I’m just kidding. Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or… Ryan: Okay, thanks Michael. Michael: Yeah. Ryan: I’m here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions. Dwight: Question. Ryan: Dwight. Dwight: Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made? Ryan: This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site. Stanley: I don’t like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I’m not seeing commissions on that. Ryan: I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O. Stanley: When will that be? Ryan: TBD. Phyllis? Phyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the… Ryan: Yes, yes they did, yes they did. Ryan: Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators. Dwight: I don’t understand why our website has to have social networking at all. Jim: Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one. Ryan: It’s all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You’re chatting with your friends, you’re talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store. Jim: And then an older gentleman asked you “Boxers or briefs?” Creed: I don’t get the big fuss here, I like the site. Kelly: If I’d have created a website with as many problems, I’d kill myself. Ryan: Do you have a question Kelly? Kelly: Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you? Michael: [slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good. Michael: Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend. Ryan: You too. Michael: Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan] Ryan: Michael let me go. Let me go Michael. Michael: Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me. Ryan: Na. Michael: Na? Ryan: Sorry man. Michael: Well you tried. Ryan: But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city. Michael: Yeah. Ryan: Unreal. Michael: They sound great. Ryan: Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace. Michael: Would you have sex with Meredith? Jim: What? Michael: Do you think she’d keep it quiet? Jim: I’m gonna go to my desk. Michael: Jim, it’s not the horniness, okay it’s the loneliness that… Jim: I know. Michael: Let’s go to New York. We’ll go clubbing with Ryan. Jim: I can’t. Michael: Yes you can, you’re single, I’m single. It’ll be awesome. Jim: I’m not single. Michael: Who you dating? Jim: Pam. Michael: That’s still going on? Michael: Okay, Dwight grab your stuff, we’re going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls. Dwight: Yeah! Andy: Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro’ time. Old ball and chain’s been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I’m saying. Angela: I’m right here. Dwight: No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three. Michael: Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let’s go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift. Angela: We get it. Michael: I am going to go get laid. Goodbye. Dwight: [laughs] With sex! Michael: That’s… I--I think that… Jim: You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn’t have to come in at all tomorrow. Jim: So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas… the one time a year they hear one. Michael: Ryan’s assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative. Michael: Place is packed. Dwight: Fire hazard. Michael: Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall. Dwight: Women look like white slaves. Michael: No, they’re just hotties. Ryan: I don’t know man, when you think about it, Cabo’s really the third world. I don’t go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour. Michael: Hey. Ryan: Michael. Michael: Hey! Ryan: What are you doing here? Michael: Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada. Ryan: That is so awesome man! Michael: Alright! Ryan: And you brought this guy! Michael: Yeah. Ryan: Aww! Michael: Ryan, it’s Michael and Dwight. Ryan: I know it’s you guys. Michael: Okay. Ryan: I’m so psyched you’re here! Michael: Well. Ryan: Woooo! Michael: Alright! Ryan: Let’s get a drink. Michael: Let’s do it! Jim: Thanks a lot guys, Good job. Kevin: Later. Jim: Nice job everybody. Great work. Stanley: Did you not tell the security guard we were working late? Jim: Nope. I didn’t, but let’s go inside and I can call him right now. Pam: You can’t, I locked the office from the inside when we left. Stanley: Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I’m not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you’re both dead. Pam: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, “What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?” He said, “If I’m dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.” Ryan: Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy. Michael: Hey, nice to meet you. Troy: Hey, how ya doing? Dwight: Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character. Ryan: Ah, he basically is man. He’s a regular banking wizard. Dwight: No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit. Ryan: Bottle service ya’ll? Michael: Oh okay, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour. Waitress: We don’t serve food here. Michael: Oh okay, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries. Dwight: Do you live in a regular sized house? Ryan: Yeah. He’s a normal guy, he’s cool. Jim: You really don’t have his phone number? Pam: I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number? Toby: I might have it in here. Pam: Aw! That’s great Toby. Toby: It’s so random that I have it. Pam: Toby, you’re the best. Toby: When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it. Jim: Great, It’s under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or… Toby: No. Jim: It’s ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick. Andy: Yes, it’s Eddie. Jim: It’s not, it’s not Eddie, it’s ah, Evan or… Creed: Hank, his name is Hank. Jim: No guys his name’s not Hank, it’s ah, is it Edgar? Phyllis: Elliot. Oscar: Elliot! Jim: Is it Elliot? Hey ch--chief, this is Jim Halpert from, um… where you work. You’re the guy who sits behind the desk… you’re--you’re the, the Afri--African-American guy, I mean you’re. Ah… Who, Who’ve I got here? Ryan: Dwight Schrute man. How’s Schrute Farms? Dwight: Good. Ryan: This guy owns his own beet farm. Troy: Insane. Dwight: Well it’s weevil season but we were prepared. Ryan: Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don’t even know what that means. What does that mean? Dwight: They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out. Ryan: Crazy. That’s too much for me man, I’m gonna hit the bathroom. Dwight: You’ve already been several times. Ryan: Yeah. Dwight: Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection. Ryan: I don’t know, maybe. Dwight: I’ll order you some cranberry juice. Ryan: With vodka, you’re the best. Dwight: [to troy] Do you have powers? Jim: [on phone] Oh, thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. [to office co-workers] Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he’s gonna let us all out. [lowers voice] He said it should just be under an hour, so… [everyone groans] we did it. Oscar: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas. Toby: Sorry guys, but I don’t think I tipped him for last year’s. Angela: Yeah, neither did I. Phyllis: Jim was supposed to collect it. Jim: Yup… Kevin: Way to go, man. Kelly: Now he’s never gonna come. Andy: By a show of hands, who thinks we’re a better couple than Jim and Pam? [people raise hands] Pam: Phyllis. Michael: I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting “Back to the Future.” “Back” because it’s on my back and “Future” because I’m the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it’s my second favorite movie. Girl in Club: I’ve never heard of that movie. Michael: Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course. Girl in Club: How old are you? Michael: Forty… I’m in my forties. Girl in Club: Wow. That’s so cool. Michael: Nuhh… Girl in Club: Well I’m gonna go back to my group now. Michael: Oh, okay. Girl in Club: Thanks for the drink. Michael: You are welcome. Michael: This place is like sexy pre-school. Ryan: Did you want a place where we could meet older women? Michael: I would love a place where we could meet older girls. Ryan: Hell yeah. I’ll hook it up. [smashes beer bottle on the floor] Michael: Ahh, wow. That’s dangerous. Ryan: [to bouncer] Check again, Ryan Howard. Dwight: [to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder] Excuse me. Tall Girl #1: Yeah? Dwight: [referring to girls in front of him] How did you all find each other? Tall Girl #1: Uh, we’re the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs. All Girls: Wooo! Dwight: Amazons. Ryan: [to Dwight, Michael and Troy] It’s off. It’s not the dude I know. It’s some other loser who won’t let us in without chicks. Michael: You’re kidding. Ryan: Let’s bail. [starts to leave] Dwight: Okay, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. [turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players] You two, Jersey State girls, let’s go. Tall Girl #2: We’re not going unless we can all go. Dwight: Okay. You know what, fine. Let’s go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let’s do it. C’mon, Ryan. Move out. Okay, three or four with him [referring to Troy]. Let’s go, c’mon. Here we go. Toby: Hey, look what I found in the back. [shows a football to Pam] Wanna play? Teach you to throw. Pam: I know how to throw a football. Toby: Course you do. Andy: Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! [Pam throws football, hits Meredith’s face] Meredith: Owww! Kevin: Oh God. Bartender: There you go. Dwight: Wait, wait a minute, what’s this, I didn’t order this? Bartender: It’s for you. From them. [points to Jersey State girls across the bar] Dwight: Oh. [dumps drink out] Troy: What are you doing man? Dwight: It’s not safe. Anything could have been in there. [to girls] Nice try. Michael: I’ve never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool. Girl in 2nd club: That’s one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do? Michael: I am a bank teller. Michael: Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance. Girl in 2nd club: Cool. Michael: I think so. Girl in 2nd club: Yeah. Michael: Yeah, I have fun. Girl in 2nd club: I’m just gonna just use the powder room. Michael: All right. Girl in 2nd club: So I’ll see ya soon. Michael: Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office – All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan] Michael: She washes dogs. Ryan: You’re doing it man. Michael: I know. I don’t wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom. Ryan: Hey man, you ever think there’s gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they’ll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare’s gonna rule the world? Michael: Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy] Ryan: It’s inevitable, right? Michael: Hmm… Jim: [on phone] Please don’t pick up, please don’t pick up, please don’t pick up. Hank: Hello? Jim: Haaank. Is that you? Hank: Yeah. Jim: Still haven’t left the house yet, huh? Hank: I’ll get ready to leave. Jim: Good. Please hurry. Hank: [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks! Jim: Will do. [hangs up] I’ll stop calling. Michael: [on phonne] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I’ve asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They’re just, it’s not… [Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over] Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls. Pam: Actually, it’s kind of too bad we’re not coming into work tomorrow. Oscar: Why? Pam: I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. [a few chuckles] Toby: More like “Everyone let’s get your boss laid Saturday.” [more laughs] [Toby puts his hand on Pam’s knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand] I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I’m finally gonna do it. So, I’m just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. [runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away] Michael: [Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club] Those girls really wailed on you bad. Ryan: Why wouldn’t they let me dance? Michael: Well… Troy: Okay, I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. [runs away] Michael: Pretty weird. [Dwight and tall girl run out of club] Tall Girl #1: [to Dwight] You have to go with me. Dwight: I do, I have to go. Tall Girl #1: Stay. Stay, please? Dwight: No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright? Tall Girl #1: Call me. Dwight: Uh huh. [to Ryan and Michael] I’m not gonna call her. Michael: Let’s go. Ryan: I don’t wanna go back in. Michael: I know, here we go. [Jim notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate] Jim: Cleaning people. Oscar. [everyone starts to walk outside] Jim: Okay, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, ’cause I think they can help us. Oscar: Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish? Jim: I--just… if they speak Spanish. Oscar: [to cleaning people] Good evening, we locked ourselves in. [women don’t respond] Oscar: Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, okay? Cleaning lady: Ohh… Oscar: They happened to speak Spanish. Jim: Lucky us. Ryan: This is a one time thing, you know that right? [they walk into Ryan’s apartment] Dwight: Wow. Michael: This is it. Dwight: All right. Michael: This is where the magic happens. Dwight: Nice. Michael: Very nice. Ryan: One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have… Dwight: I got sofa. I got sofa. Michael: Dwight, I’m the boss. Dwight: I got floor. Michael: Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don’t wannna get my head stepped on. Dwight: [to Ryan] Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick? Ryan: No. [Dwight starts singing in German] Michael: Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone. Dwight: It’s a lullaby. Michael: Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we’re going to take your clothes off. Ryan: No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do? Dwight: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours. Michael: Shh, just stop. Here’s what you do. You tell him that you’re his friend and that you’re gonna help him and that everyone’s gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who’s selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who’s really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don’t understand a word of it. Ryan: Guys, I’m going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, okay? Dwight: Okay. Good night Ryan. Michael: Best night ever. Michael: Like I said, it’s not about the horniness, it’s about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don’t, I disagree, I say… let’s hear it for the boys. [Hank drives up to the office parking lot to notice all the cars are gone] Hank: Son of a bitch.