Job Fair
Written By: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Tucker Gates Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited! Oscar: Yes. [small fist-pumps from both Pam and Oscar.] Michael: Yeah, I’m pretty excited too. Michael: Today I’m heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanise this place. Darryl: Hey, are we doing this thing? Michael: Yup. Kelly: Oh my, God, Darryl, you look like Barack Obama. Everybody I’m dating Barack Obama! Michael: Why are you dressed like that? Darryl: [in a dress shirt and tie] Like what? Michael: Like you’re applying for a loan. Dwight: Maybe he’s going to church. Or court. Darryl: Figured I look presentable. [looks Michael over] You? [Michael dressed casually in jeans and sneakers] Went a different way. Pam: [to Darryl] I think you look nice. Michael and Darryl: [simultaneously] Thank you. Michael: Okay, here’s what we’re going to do: I’m going to instruct the kids about management and sales. Oscar will be in charge of accounting. Pam will be eye candy. No… uh, also, because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don’t have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain’t going to college. Darryl: What college did you go to Mike? Michael: Let’s go! Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course, because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here. Yeah. And uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job. Since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam, that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So I am about to do something very bold at this job that I’ve never done before. Try. Phil Maguire: [takes golf swing] Whoa! Jim: Mr. Maguire, it’s been a couple of years. Phil Maguire: Hey Jim, how are you, nice to see you man. Andy: Oh no! No, no-no-no-no! My grandfather would be spinning in his urn, if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now or I will take it off for you, sir. I am… totally and completely kidding! [they both laugh] Andrew Bernard, Cornell ’95. Phil Maguire: Phil Maguire, Dartmouth, ’74 [goes to shake Andy’s hand] Andy: Oop, got some blisties. Phil Maguire: Yeah, you do. Andy: Hit about 1200 balls last night, in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. [shows blisters on both hands] It’s actually not funny at all. It’s incredibly painful. Phil: Let’s make it interesting, say, uh, ten bucks a hole? Jim: Great! Kevin: What are we talking? Skins? Acey Duecy? Bingo bango bongo? Sandies, Barkies? Arnies, Wolf? What? Kevin: I’m gonna take this petty cash I got from Oscar, and turn it into next month’s rent. Pam: So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didn’t have to play volleyball, pretending I have PMS so I didn’t have to play basketball. Those were the days! Michael: [Darryl approaches as students throw basketballs] A little over the top, don’t you think? Darryl: Show them what you brought, Mike. Pam: [holds up single sheet of paper] Um, that’s all we brought. Michael: This is all we need. Oscar: We’ll see. Michael: Yes we will see Oscar, we will see, because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities! Conceptual! All right! We. Are. Open for business! [all four of them sit in an empty booth with small Dunder Mifflin sign] Hello! Kevin: Andy, you’re up, let’s go! Andy: [gushing lotion inside his golf gloves] Giddy up, let’s do this. Andy: People assume I’m great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So, I used to hang out at the sailing club instead. Got my “knot” on. Andy: [swings] Dammit! Meredith: Guys, do we have to stay all day? Phyllis: I mean, Michael’s gone, can’t we just go? Creed: Yeah, and I finished my work months ago! Dwight: Excuse me, people. It has come to my attention, some of you have forgotten, who is in charge here. When Michael is gone… Jim is in charge. When Jim is gone, Andy and I are in charge. When Andy is gone you answer to me. Okay? [Stanley gets up to go] Excuse me where do you think you’re going? Oh no, no, no. You’re not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will – [Stanley leaves] He left. Last time I checked, the American workday ends at five pm. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or, you will suffer the consequences. Phyllis: What consequences? Dwight: I will tell on you. Pam: There’s some filing, restocking the supply shelves. Replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do. Um, we… uh, eat a lot of cake! Justin: Cool. Pam: [laughs] Yeah, and uh, you basically learn how an office runs. Michael: Hello. Hi. [to Pam] Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me. Pam: This is Michael, my boss. [she points] Justin. Michael: Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, “only the best and the brightest.” Pam: He’s nice and he seems interested. Michael: He’s totally wrong, Pam. [to Justin] Hey. Justin: Hi. Michael: How you doing? Listen, I don’t think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you, should limit himself. You could do whatever you want to do. You could be a classy janitor, or a cashier with dignity, or a… migraine worker. [takes back the info flyer Justin holds] Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby. Justin: Sorry for wasting your time. Michael: Oh, no problem. [looks down] And he signed! He put his name on the piece of--okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams. And he just, made it into a stupid piece of paper. We need another one, immediately. Darryl: Yeah, the booth is lame without it. Pam: I only brought the one. Michael: Are you mental? Pam: Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, “Are you sure Michael?” And you said “Pam! Pam! Pam!” And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, “Don’t worry, it’s just allergies.” Do you remember that? Michael: I… don’t. Pam: Okay. I’ll go look for another one. [she leaves] Michael: And that. Is why. I need a smart intern. Jim: Hey, so how’s the direct mail business going? Phil: I can’t complain, people love their junk mail. Jim: Now are you getting all your paper from PPC? Or- Phil: You know what Jim? I’m not really looking to change things up right now, I just came out here to get out of the office for a little bit, so why don’t we just play, okay? Jim: Absolutely, will do. Jim: So I guess I’ll just… work on my short game. Michael: [teen approaches table] Hello there. Kid: What is this company? Michael: Well it’s funny that you should ask, because it’s really more than a company… Oscar: Dunder Mifflin paper. Kid: Thanks. [walks away] Michael: Dammit, Oscar! Michael: Yeah, I’m trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being “lured” these days. Thank you Dateline! Dwight: Thank you. [hangs up phone, leaves for restroom] Angela: Extension 128. Creed: [over phone] Hiya Pumpkin, it’s Creed. Creed: Say, we’re gonna ditch this bitch. You in? Angela: No. Creed: Are you out? [Angela hangs up] Pumpkin’s out, let’s go gang! [they all make a run for the door, Dwight re-enters room with only Angela left] Pam: My old art room. [finds a sheet of blank paper] Oh, maybe it’s still here! [looks for her painting] No. No they must have taken it down. Never mind. Michael: [answers cell] What do you want? Dwight: Michael, I know you’re swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day. Michael: Who cares? I’m not there, Jim’s not there, why should they have to be there? Dwight: So… what else is up? [Michael hangs up] Mich- Michael: Thank you! [Pam hands him blank paper] What, what is this? Pam: A piece of paper. Michael: This isn’t Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap. Pam: Well I think they’ll get the spirit of it. Michael: Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We’re dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock. Pam: Are you serious? Michael: Yes. And don’t call me Shirley. Pam: Okay. Phil: Oh! [Phil is stuck in the sand trap] Ah, dammit! Jim: You know, you can just pick it up, take the triple bogey. Phil: Yeah I’ll- I’ll get it out. Thank you. Jim: Yep. [Maguire keeps swinging] Angela and Dwight: [silently working] [Pam walks back into office, gets paper out of the copier, shows it “voila” to camera, leaves] Andy: [Jim’s cellphone rings] AH! Come on, Tuna! Jim: Hey, can’t really talk now, what’s up? Pam: Just checking in, how’s it going? Jim: Uh, you know, we’ll see, we’ll see. Pam: I just drove twenty miles round-trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So, I could have just had them fax it to me, I guess. Jim: Oh, I like you. Pam: Talk to you later? Jim: Yeah. All right. Bye. [Kevin sinks putt] All right. Sorry, I got to annoy you one more time. What if I bring down shipping costs? Phil: You can try. But I’ve looked at your prices. Even with free shipping? Doesn’t work. It’s just- it’s not in the stars, Jim. [Phil sinks putt] Six. Kevin: Yeah. Andy: All right, race to the next hole! [he runs off to the cart] Kevin: Ooh! Winner gets ten bucks! Wait -wait for me! Andy! Andy: Shortcut! Shortcut! [drives cart off course, it flips over] Woah! I fell in the sandtrap! Dwight: [hums at copier, Angela waiting behind him] Michael: All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck. Michael: Hey! [walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs, grabs Oscar’s ball] Game over. [kicks the ball up to the gymnasium ceiling] Michael: [singsong] Just-in time. Justin: Hi. Michael: Just-in case. What’s your last name? Justin: Polznik. Michael: This… just in. Justin Polznik! Huh? Michael: Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she’s hot! And you realise she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He’s the most… important thing in my life right now. Michael: I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin. Oscar: Hey. Justin: Hi. Michael: This is Darryl Philbin. Isn’t he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will “do” you. [laughs] No, no. But she has already dated two guys in the office, that we know of, so, this could be number three, you never know? Pam: Excuse me. Michael: Come here. I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist. Oscar: Why, why wouldn’t you say that to her face? Michael: So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The guys I didn’t bring are even better. Justin, I’m willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor, of spending the summer with us, at Dunder Mifflin? I think, I think you are very special. Justin: You didn’t want me before. That’s what you said. Michael: No, I didn’t. You misconstrued me. Justin: You were kind of a jerk to me. Michael: I, uh, hmm. Justin: And I’m, I’m gonna go now. Michael: Why don’t… hey. Andy: [trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands, struggles trying to take a drink as everyone watches.] Dwight: [tries to stop a sneeze] Ah-choo! Angela: Bless you. Dwight: Thank you. [Angela turns to look at him.] Kevin: Okay, Jim, you owe me one-twenty, and Phil, you owe me two-thirty. Phil: Let’s open a tab, because you and me are gonna be playing more often. Andy: Count me in! Phil: No. Andy: All right! Jim: Okay. You had some fun, and uh, I think I paid for it. So let me get my last shot in there. Is there anything you can do for me? Phil: I’ll tell you what. My fiscal year ends in two months, let’s talk then. Sound good? Jim: Absolutely. Maguire: Good playing with you guys. Andy: Right on. Jim: You know it’s a tough thing, seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap but, I had to give Phil credit for not quitting. Which is what I told him. I also told him I don’t quit either, and I’d call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after …fifteen minutes of me blocking his car. So I am now his paper supplier! And I shot a 102 today, so I’m feeling pretty good. Woman on mic: The job fair will be closing in five minutes. Eighth period will commence as scheduled. Michael: Hold down the fort, I have to do something. [walks up to microphone] Excuse me. If you can hear me, I’d like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on, I mean I don’t even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde! The Air Force? [Airforce recruiter glares at Michael] Air Force is cool. The refreshments? Bush league! You know, that’s not what you want. Dunder--they, well, okay I see security is coming so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work! Anybody? Show of hands, anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit, we cannot give you any sort of pay, but it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn… it. Okay, I’m gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time, and drive safe. Angela: [Dwight and Angela exiting, he opens door for her] Thank you. Dwight: You’re welcome. Pam: [clink of beer bottles] Beers? You closed it? Jim: I closed it! Pam: Yes! Oh! [runs into his arms, kisses him] Um, congratulations to you, sir. [they shake hands business-like] Jim: Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Appreciate it. Pam: Well done. Jim: Thank you. You know what, screw this! [pulls Pam into a big smooch] Kevin: Oooh! [Kevin and Andy add suggestive “bow-chicka-wow-wow” vocals] Michael: Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me. Michael: [standing way too close to Jim and Pam] Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good. [Jim and Pam stop kissing] Pam: Hi. Graphics guy: Hello. Pam: I was just wondering, what kind of jobs do you guys have? Graphics guy: Are you interested in graphic design? Pam: Yeah. Can I fill out an application? Graphics guy: Oh absolutely, here, take a seat. I should let you know right away, this is just an entry-level job. It’s really basic. We’re looking for like, a self starter, someone who can meet deadlines, who just pretty much just go the extra mile, I guess. Pam: I can do that. Graphics guy: Great. And uh, obviously looking for someone who knows Photoshop, and Dreamweaver. Uh, Corel Painter, Illustrator, AfterEffects, all the basics. Pam: I don’t know any of those. Graphics guy: [laughs] It’s actually not super-complicated. I mean I’m sure there’s some sort of like, adult education classes in the area. But if you’re really serious about graphic design, one thing about New York or Philadelphia, they’ve got amazing programs out there for design. Pam: New York or Philadelphia. Graphics guy: Yeah. Pam: All right. Cool, well… thanks. Graphics guy: Sure. Pam: And uh, I’ll look into those. Graphics guy: You should. Pam: New York or Philadelphia. Graphics guy: Absolutely. Pam: Okay. Graphics guy: It’s where the action is. Pam: Thanks.