Goodbye ,Toby (Part 1)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Dwight: [cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone keeps ringing] Hello? Jim: [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight. Dwight: Hello? Hello? Jim: Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second… Dwight: Jim, what are you doing? Jim: And how many would you like? Dwight: Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha- Jim: Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately. Dwight: [into Jim’s headset] This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute! Jim: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset. Dwight: [cell phone rings] K, fine. I’ll just let it go to voicemail. Jim: [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight. Pam: Hey, is this Dwight? Jim: Yes it is. Pam: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy. Jim: Oh, thank you. I’ve been working out. Dwight: Woah, woah, woah, Pam! Pam: Have you? Dwight: Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim. Pam: Dwight? Dwight: No! [waves arms] Pam, I’m over here! Pam: I’m confused… Dwight: Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece. Jim: Can’t do that. Unsanitary. Dwight: Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. [presses buttons on his cell phone] Done. Jim: [office phone rings at Jim’s desk] This is Dwight. Jim: Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine. Jim: Oh, hello Mater. Good news: I’ve married. Tell Fater. [hangs up] Such a nice woman. Dwight: [slams cell phone on desk] Argh! Ahh!! Michael: Today is Toby Flenderson’s last day. I couldn’t sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy… There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days. Toby: Morning. Michael: Mornin’. [to camera] So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I’m going to set my watch alarm… And… [watch beeps] Toby: Good morning, Kelly. Kelly: I can’t believe this is your last day. How do you feel? Toby: Fine. Good. Kelly: I feel weird. Michael: First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby’s going away party. Angela: We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby. Michael: Okay. Angela: But so far we only have two pictures of him. Michael: Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets… Pam: Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans’ funeral? Michael: If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have? Angela: Michael… Michael: Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga- Angela: No. You know-no! Michael: Toga! Angela: You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides… although Toby won’t be in them. Michael: I thought that you might say that. [takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe] Michael: Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year… uh, as Nana starts to… but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn’t know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. “Michael, buy a motorcycle.” So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now. Michael: I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this… ugly weight holding me down, you know?… I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around. Pam: So how much antigravity potion do you want? Angela: No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don’t want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating. Michael: Phyllis, can you do this? Phyllis: [whispers] Yes. Pam: Hi, can I help you? Holly: Hi. Yes, uh, I’m Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson? Toby: As part of my last day I’m training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day. Toby: So this is H.R. This is your desk. Holly: I love the view. Toby: Yeah, it’s great, isn’t it? Pam: Hey. [kisses Jim on cheek] Jim: Hey… What? Pam: Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design. Jim: No way! What did I say? I said that they’d love those sketches. Congratulations! Pam: Oh, thank you! I don’t know why I doubted it, because I’m so clearly awesome! Jim: Yes! So when do you start? Pam: I don’t know, I didn’t read it carefully, I just saw “congratulations” and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack. Jim: Wow. Busy morning. Pam: So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months… Jim: It’s not a big deal. I’ll come visit you. And you’ll visit me. It’s only two hours away. It’ll be fine. That part’s gonna suck, but it’ll be great. Pam: Yeah, it sucks, but it’ll be great. Jim: See how easy that is? Pam: Ohh… [they hug; she laughs] Pam: I wouldn’t go if things weren’t so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn’t go then either. So, the timing’s perfect… And that is the first time I’ve ever used the word “perfect” in here! Toby: Hey, Stanley… Stanley: Hmm? Toby: I want to introduce you to… Michael: [watching from his office] Toby’s replacement. Ugh. Wow. Dwight: So what do we know about her? Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she’ll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already. Dwight: I hate her too. Michael: Why do you hate her? Dwight: Because she… stinks… with her… ways… and her… head. Michael: You know, Dwight, sometimes… I don’t know, I think you say things just to agree with me. Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing? Michael: Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do? Dwight: What? Michael: We need to sell her an elevator pass. Dwight: But our, our elevator doesn’t require a pa… [gasps] Michael: Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing. Phyllis: Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines? Woman over speakerphone: Antigravity machines? Phyllis: That’s right. Yeah. Woman over speakerphone: What do they do exactly? Phyllis: They make you feel lighter… Woman over speakerphone: Antigravity… Um… Anti…depressants? I could put you through to someone on that. Phyllis: Okay. Michael: [knock on door] Yeah. Toby: Hey Michael. Michael: Oh, hey, do you still work here? Toby: I’d like to introduce you to my replacement. Michael: Nah. Toby: Come on. Michael: No. I think I will pass. Toby: Michael Scott, this is Holly. Holly: Hi. Michael: Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here’s how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I’m gonna win. Holly: Man, someone doesn’t like H.R. Michael: Yeah. Holly: [to Toby] What did you do to him? Toby: Nothing. Michael: T-No. He tortured me… with his awfulness. Holly: Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I’ll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott. Michael: Y-You can-Michael. Michael: Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she’s just an awesome woman from this planet. Creed: [shaking Holly’s hand] The pleasure’s all mine. Holly: Oh, thanks. I’m really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here. Creed: Any time. Holly: What do you do here? Creed: …Excuse me. Creed: What is wrong with this woman? She’s asking about stuff that’s nobody’s business. “What do I do?”… Really, what do I do here? I should’ve written it down. “Qua” something, uh… qua… quar… quibo, qual…quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I’m getting close. Dwight: [whispering] Have you been introduced to Kevin? Holly: No. Which one’s Kevin? [they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle] Dwight: He’s here on a special work program. He’s slow, you know, in his brain. Holly: Oh. Good for you guys. Dwight: Yeah. Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked. Dwight: Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. [accountants mumble hellos] Holly: Hello. Hello. [to Kevin] Hi. Kevin: Hi. Holly: What do you do? Kevin: I do the numbers. Holly: Oh, good for you. Kevin: Do you want a M&M? Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though. Kevin: Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn’t take them. Holly: Well that is a very safe place for them. Kevin: Yeah. Michael: Here she is! Holly… You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we’d have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram? Holly: Oh… [laughs along] Nice, I’ve never heard that one before actually. Michael: I bet. Holly: That’s good. Michael: I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off? Holly: No, no, I… Michael: Oh… What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in? Holly: Ooh, uh… Michael: You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player? Holly: Um… Y-yeah. Okay. Michael: All right. Holly: Thanks. Michael: Yep. Holly: Great. Pam: Do you like it? It’s a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica. Toby: You’re-you’re not in it. Pam: Well I was taking the picture. Toby: I love it. I love it… I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica. Pam: Sure, do you have a camera here? Toby: No, uh… [shouts] Does anyone have a camera here? [no one answers him] No one has a camera here. Uh… Pam: Okay… Toby: I’m gonna… I’ll go get one. Stay. [runs out of the office] Jim: [on the phone] So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it’s big. It is really big. Ryan: Congratulations! Jim: Thanks. Ryan: Don’t interrupt. Jim: I just- Ryan: Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website? Jim: No, I didn’t. I just logged it in right here, so… Ryan: All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website. Jim: All right, well it already went through, so… Ryan: Don’t worry about that. Just re-log it. [hangs up] Jim: Hello? Michael: [listening to “Crash Into Me” on his computer] Hmm… Jim? [Jim comes into his office] I am downloading some N3P… Jim: That’s not it. Michael: Music… Jim: Yeah. Michael: For a CD mix tape… Jim: Close. Michael: For Holly. Jim: Mmhmm. Michael: And I’m looking for perfect songs that work on two levels. Jim: What are the two levels? Michael: The two levels being, uh, “Welcome to Scranton”… Jim: Mmhmm. Michael: And “I… love you.” Jim: Okay. Let’s start with the “I love you” level. Michael: Hey, what’s the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2? Jim: Yes. You don’t love Holly. Michael: I think I do. Jim: But you just met her. Michael: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears. Jim: Oh, okay, it doesn’t work like that. Michael: Well, you’re not a romantic. Jim: Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance. Michael: Oh really? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Like, with who? Jim: We’ve been through this. Michael: Pam? Jim: Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow. Michael: Yeah, you took it too slow. Jim: Well, we’re really happy. Michael: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me. Jim: And that’s really sweet. And you can think that. But you don’t say that out loud, and you definitely don’t say it to her. Michael: I don’t want her to get away. Jim: I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and… Look, all I’m saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work. Jim: I was thinking… fireworks for the party. What do you think? Phyllis: Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can’t… Jim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party. Phyllis: Why would you do that? Jim: Because I’m gonna miss Toby. Yep, he’s a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn’t matter. Here ya go. [hands her an envelope with money in it] Phyllis: Really? Jim: Well we all want a good party, right? Jim: I’m going to propose tonight. Holy crap! Holly: Hey Kevin. Kevin: Hi. Holly: Do you need some help? Kevin: I can’t decide what to get. Holly: Well, what do you like to eat? Kevin: Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips. Holly: Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? [looks at the change in his hand] Okay, let’s see… fifty… Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row. Kevin: Hmm… Kevin: I’m totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me. Jim: [on phone, leaving a message] Hey, Ryan, it’s Jim. Look man, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don’t care, because you’re trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don’t think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you’re wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I’m not going anywhere. [hangs up and exhales sharply] Holly: [tool clicking] Damn it! Michael: Hello, Holly. [Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces] Woah, what are you doing? You don’t, uh, you don’t have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That’s how we buy them actually. Holly: Oh, I’m trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby’s chair and… that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that… is the story of me on the floor. It’s pretty good, right? You know, I’m gonna sell the movie rights. Michael: And the sequel, “Woman Stands at Desk and Works.” So, I have no idea how you, [he sits on the floor] how you sit like that. Holly: Yoga. Michael: [as Yoda] Sit on floor and put together chair we will. [laughs nervously] Yo-da. Um… Holly: [as Yoda] Pass curvy metal piece, you will. Michael: So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I’m not-I’m not… I’m not gonna be in town. I’m going out of town. Holly: Ohh, so you can’t make my orgy? Kidding! Michael: Kidding. [overdramatically] Acting! Holly: [overdramatically] Acting! Michael: [overdramatically] Acting! Holly: [laughs] Lovitz. Michael: Yeah. Michael: I did it! [exhales] Jim: What’d you do? Michael: I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know… not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point. Jim: Wow. Okay, so how’d that feel? Michael: It was hard. I wanted to kiss her. Jim: Oh, I’m so glad you didn’t. Michael: Whew, oh God. [inhales] Laying a base. Laying a base… Jim: There you go. There’s plenty of base-laying left, right?… Hey. Hey! Michael: [giddy] Yeah… Phyllis: Hello Angela. Angela: Phyllis, you look like you’re gonna have a heart attack. Phyllis: Can I get a list of your vendors? Angela: I shredded it. Phyllis: Why would you do that? Angela: Gosh, I just don’t know. Why do you think? Phyllis: [knocks files off desk] Sorry. Toby: [Michael and Holly are still working on the chair] What’d you guys do? Michael: Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don’t you go home, and come back for the party? Toby: Well, we still have to do the exit interview. Michael: Yes we do. Michael: I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin’ for a bruisin’ for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin’.