Employee Transfer
Written By: Anthony Q. Farrell Directed By: David Rogers Transcribed By: Admin Kelly: [dressed as Carrie Bradshaw] Wow, you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween. Phyllis: [dressed as Raggedy Ann] Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you? Kelly: Oh, I’m Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and The City. Phyllis: Mm. I like your shoes. [Kelly has 5-inch heels on] Kelly: Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine? Phyllis: Sure. Ryan: I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing. Kelly: Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King? Ryan: Gordon Gekko. Kelly: Oh, from the insurance commercials! Ryan: Yeah. [Creed dressed as the Joker enters] Oscar: Whoa. Awesome. Creed: Let’s put a smile on that face! Kevin: [also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I’ve been up since four! Andy: [dressed as a kitten] Meow. Sweet ‘stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be? Jim: Dave. Andy: Cool. Jim: You are? [Andy hisses] Jim: A cat? Andy: [buzzer noise] We were looking for “kitten.” Jim: [phone] Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey New York, Happy Halloween! Pam: Thanks. My costume’s getting a lot of attention. [Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin] Pam: So, apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can’t even take off my hat, because then I’m Hitler. Dwight: [dressed as the Joker] Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I’m gonna make a pencil disapp-- Oh! [elevator doors close, reopen] Disappear. Michael: Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat’s Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets. Holly: Oh, look at all this stuff! It’s only seven hours. Michael: When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire. Holly: Michael is taking a personal day to move me up. Michael: Road trip! Right? Holly: Breaker one-nine, copy? Michael: Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again. Darryl: Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio. Michael: We’re not. Holly: Kidding. Michael: We’re not doing anything. Holly: It’s been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said “Well, why don’t you quit and get some job in Nashua?” And he said, “I asked you first.” And I said “First!” at the same time he did. And then I said “Jinx.” And then we never talked about it again and haven’t been back to the conversation. So… Michael: All right everybody. I’m out of here. Jim, you’re in charge. Jim: Oh, I’ll walk you out. Michael: Ah, you are quite the gentleman. Michael: You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want. Jim: All right. We’ll see. [to camera] No. Jim: I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two. Dwight: Good morning temp. Ryan: ‘Morning. [Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt] Wow. Good morning, Dwight. Dwight: Thought I’d go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you, Phyllis? Andy: Ha ha ha. That’s funny. [angrily] Take that sweatshirt off! Hey, buddy. Dwight: Andy. Andy: Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you’re not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn’t wear them. Dwight: No, I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I’m applying! Andy: Come on, you think you can get into Cornell? Dwight: Well, if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine. Phyllis: I’m sitting right here Dwight. Dwight: I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy. Dwight: Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. [He sips from his Cornell mug] Holly: I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets! Michael: Cool! Darryl: Mike you’ll drive this every weekend? Michael: We’re gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we’ll just meet in the middle. It’ll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song. Michael and Holly: [sing] Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long. Michael, Holly, and Darryl: [sing] If you’re going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you’re going my way… Dwight: Hey there. So uh, how do you think we’re gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford’s arm looks pretty strong. Andy: Well, he’s had a pretty good season so far— Stop saying “we.” You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you’re just doing this to screw with me. Dwight: Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn’t have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage. Andy: I know it’s an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red. Dwight: Someday, we’ll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this. Pam: Hey! Tom: Hey, future baby sis! Pam: How are you, Tom? Nice to see you. Tom: I’m good. Pam: I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they’re into the idea. They’re probably thinking, “That Pam Beasly, she’s the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She’s the best! The absolute best.” Pam: Okay, so here’s what I’m thinking. I’m gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn’t in my pocket anymore, and I lost it. Pete: That’s perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend? Tom: Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money! Pete: That is awesome! Tom: Like she basically has a hobby, for a job. Pete: Oh yeah. Pam: So, not the ring then? The—the--Not doing the ring? Pete: I think this is better. Tom: The other thing would “get” Jim. Pete: This is nicer, it’s fun. It’s fun! Pam: Okay, okay. Tom: Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends. Pam: Okay…. Pam: They came up with that idea really fast. Darryl: This trip was longer than I thought. Holly: Yeah, it did look shorter on the map-- Michael: Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! [waking up] Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare. Holly: You were sleeping? You were talking before. Michael: Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting? Darryl: Not really. Michael: All right. What’s the scoop, how far? Darryl: Four hours. Almost halfway there. Holly: We’re only halfway? Michael: Halfway! Okay. You know what I want to do? I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast. Darryl: Next exit isn’t for five miles. Holly: Let’s check there. Pam: Hey guys. Jim: Hey, how are you? Pam: Hi! [smooches] Jim: Good to see you. Pete: Nice to see you again, Pam. Tom: Pam, I haven’t seen you in so, so long! Jim: All right so now we can sit… and get comfortable. Darryl: There’s nothing out here man. Michael: Yeah. I don’t know I just--I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon. Michael: Here we go, fourth time’s a charm. “Life’s like a road where you just… one day here, and the next day back…Sometimes you deal with it, today you don’t, sometimes you do, what you want… there’s a world out there…. [Holly sobs] Michael: Hey. Are you crying? Holly: No. Michael: Allergies? Holly: No. Michael: Did Darryl touch you? Darryl: WHAT!? Holly: No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? [crying] Michael: What’s the matter? Holly: It’s not gonna work. Michael: Sure, it is. Holly: There’s too much distance. Michael: Oh no, no. no… It’s gonna work, it’ll be fine. Holly: Michael we’ve only been dating each other for a few weeks Michael: Listen to me. I like you so much. Holly: And I like you too. Michael: And I’ve dated four women in the last– Holly: I’ve dated four guys last year too. Michael: Not last – no. In like the last ten years. Holly: Oh. Michael: I’ve dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid. Holly: Michael. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Michael: That’s what she said. Michael: Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I’m gonna make this way harder than it needs to be. Andy: Take that down. [Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling] Dwight: Excuse me? Andy: Take. That down. Meredith: You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home. Andy: I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you. Creed: It’s pronounced Ker-nell. It’s the highest rank in the military. Andy: It’s pronounced “Corn-ell!” It’s the highest rank in the Ivy League! Dwight: Andy, let’s just talk about this man-to-man, after work. Andy: Fine. Dwight: What do you say? Andy: Yeah, good. Can we— [Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head] Andy: Grr. Heh heh heh. That’s Big Red Bear! That’s a bobble Big Red Bear! God!! Holly: If you leave on Friday, by five, you’ll be rolling in at… midnight? At best? Michael: Yeah. Holly: And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again. Michael: Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So, we’re talking constantly all the way. Holly: Oh. Michael: I’ll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road. Holly: Well- Michael: Maybe I’ll see an accident one weekend? Holly: How long could we keep that up? Michael: Years! Holly: Years? Michael: Yeah. Holly: Years? Of just a few hours every weekend? Michael: Here’s my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy. Holly: [kisses his temple] Thank you. Michael: My wish has come true, incidentally, because you’ve met me, and you are happy. Darryl: Clever, Mike. Tom: So, Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school? Pete: Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right? Jim: That’s not really true. There’s a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually. Tom: Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin. Jim: Wow, that’s- that’s a little rude. What’s your deal? Pete: Hey, just having fun Jimmy. Tom: Yeah. Right Pam? Pam: Yup! [Tom and Pete give Halpert looks to camera] Michael: You know what? I think we’re a great couple. I think we’re a classic couple. I think we’re like Romeo and Juliet. I think we… go together so well. We’re like peanut butter and jelly, don’t you think? Holly: I do, I think so. Michael: Then don’t do it. Please don’t do this. Please don’t do this. [they continue arguing] Darryl: [leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable] Hey what’s up, I just thought I’d try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit. Michael: I don’t know what I’m gonna do! Darryl: Please call me back. Michael: Please? Holly: You’ll be okay Michael: I’m not gonna be okay. Darryl: Please… Holly: You will. Michael: No, I won’t! I’m not strong! And I’ll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God! Andy: [outside men’s room] You might be interested-- [stops when he sees Stanley come out] Stanley: What? Andy: Dwight! Dwight: Andy, I’ve been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go’s? Andy: Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it’s irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview. Dwight: That’s a conflict of interest. Andy: Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won’t let you in? Dwight: Interview. Andy: Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer. Dwight: What? Andy: The conference room! Dwight: Okay. Andy: Who are your role models? Andy: If I had to put Dwight’s chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance. Andy: So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You’re doing great. Jim: Oh wow. This is my niece, Vanessa. She’s a trumpeter. And look at her. Pam: Cute. Jim: That must be really fun for you and Marci huh? Tom: Yup. She only knows how to play “When the Saints go Marching In.” Jim: Love that one. Pete: Yeah but, she doesn’t think she’s gonna be like, career musician, right? Jim: Here you go again! What is your deal today? Pete: Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides… Louis Armstrong? Pam: Miles Davis. Jim: One. Pam: Chet …something. Jim: Half. Pete: The point is Pam, is there are jobs- Pam: Dizzy Gillespie. Jim: Also, good. Pete: And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don’t see me try to get on the Mets. Tom: You don’t! Jim: Pete couldn’t make the Mets. She’s at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit? Pete: I’m just calling it like I see it. Pam: I don’t know if I’m gonna make any money with art. Jim: Pam don’t worry about it. Pam: I mean it’s a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don’t try now, I never will. So… Jim: Guys, what is going on?! [Pete and Tom burst out in laughter] Tom: We pranked you! Pete: It was Pam’s idea. Pam was the mastermind. Pam: Got you. Pete: That was killer. I was so close to blowing it. Andy: Let’s see how well you know your Big Red history. Dwight: Bring it. Andy: Who was Cornell’s eighth president? Dwight: Dale Raymond Corson! Andy: Mm, I’m sorry that’s incorrect. Cornell’s seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. [writes in a notebook] Comprehension skills, sub-par. Dwight: Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. [writes in a notebook] Andy: What are you writing? Can’t even give Cornell your full attention? Dwight: On the contrary, I’m helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers. Andy: Nobody wants …that, to happen. Dwight: Well, when they get my evaluation, we’ll see if they’re interested. Andy: “Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character.” Dwight: “Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process.” Andy: “Applicant is wasting everyone’s time with stupid and inane accusations.” Dwight: “Interviewer has suspect motives.” Andy: “Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid.” Dwight: “Interviewer has turned off applicant’s interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth.” Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need. Andy: I have everything I need-- [talking over each other] Dwight: And you will be hearing from the-- Andy: And you will be hearing from-- Dwight: Cornell Application Department-- Andy: Which I will not be a part of-- Dwight: And you will not be pleased with the result. [pulls table away from Andy] Andy: And YOU will not be pleased with the result! Dwight: And your affiliation with Cornell-- Andy: And your affiliation with Cornell-- Dwight: Will end completely! Andy: Will end completely! Dwight: [has won the table war] That is all sir, you may go. [Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other] Darryl: There’s another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp. Pam: For the record, I wanted to go another direction. Which was way better. Jim: Well, I’ll be the judge of that. What do you got? Pam: Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it’s very subtle. Jim: That is good. Pam: Thank you. Jim: Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. [laughs] Oh, text message from my brother. “Pam cool. Welcome to the family.” Pam: Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald? Darryl: This is the last of it. Michael: Oh, that’s mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck. Darryl: You’re not staying? Michael: You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I’ll just ride back with you. Darryl: But you want me to put it back in the truck. Michael: I’ll be down in just a second. [into house] Holly? Michael: So, um… I think I’m gonna go back with Darryl [Holly hugs Michael] Michael: Okay. [they kiss goodbye] Michael: Goodbye. Holly: Okay. Bye. Darryl: I know it’s hard Mike. Break-ups hurt. Michael: We didn’t break up. Darryl: Looked like it. Sometimes when I’m down like this, it helps to sing the blues. Michael: Okay. Darryl: [bluesy] Da na na na na… da na na na na… Michael: That’s a really pretty song. Darryl: Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na… want to do that? Michael: Okay. Darryl: That’s when you hit me with what’s getting you down, okay? Michael: Okay. Darryl: Da na na na na. Michael: Da na na na na. Darryl: Da na na na na. Michael: Da na na na na. Darryl: No, wait. You’re, you’re supposed to… Never mind. Da na na na na. Michael: Da na na na na. Darryl: Da na na na na. Michael: Da na na na na. Darryl: Da na na na na!! Michael: Da na na na na!! Darryl: Da na na na na. Michael: [deeper] Da na na na na. Darryl: Yeah! Da na na na na. Michael: [deeper] Da na na na na. Darryl: YEAH! Da na na na na. Michael: [blues singer] Da na na na na… [Andy enters the office whistling, dressed farmer overalls] Andy: I thought I’d come in casual today. Man, I’m hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet? Dwight: Where did you get those? Andy: What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state. Dwight: I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this. Andy: Well, you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. [attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard] You’re supposed to cook these, aren’t you? Dwight: [scoffs] Cornell. [easily bites into a beet]