Business Trip
Written By: Ben Forrester Directed By: Randall Einhorn Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite. Jim: Why are you telling us this? Michael: I am jetting off on an international business trip. Jim: Where are you going? Michael: To Can-A-da. Jim: Where is it? Michael: Canada. Jim: Okay. Michael: My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery… Michael: Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi. Meredith: [British accent] Hello. Michael: I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. [covers Meredith’s face with his jacket] You are now sexy in your culture. Kevin: T minus… Jim: Six point five days. [winces as Kevin smacks him on the back] Creed: [walks up behind Jim and puts his hands on his shoulders] One more week. Jim: Pam comes back from New York next week and everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird. Phyllis: On more week. [chuckles] Stanley: Heh heh. [Jim gives camera an odd look] David: [on speakerphone] Do you have your passport? Michael: I have my passport. [pats jacket pocket] David: Got your per diem? Michael: I have my per diem. [holds up money] I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater. David: Michael, the… that’s for your food. Michael: Well, I’ll just… I’ll use different money for that. David: I was happy to send Michael on this trip. He’s been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire. But this little perk really seemed to turn him around. [chuckling] And it’s pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November. Michael: And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best. Actually, better than a five-star hotel ’cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine. I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce. David: Well, I’m just glad to know you’re happy because you know I felt bad. Michael: Well, that is all in the past. David: And in terms of nightlife, when you get there just ask the concierge. Michael: They have one of those? Michael: [in a singsong voice] Lets do this! Dwight: Wait, why do you need three suitcases? Michael: Two are for souvenirs. Dwight: Do you have your money belt? Michael: I do. It’s right here. [indicates to waist] Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. [demonstrates] Michael: No, I don’t want to wear a bra. Dwight: Here, let me help you. [reaches for Michael’s money belt] Michael: Stop it! Stop it! Dwight: Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this. Michael: Okay. Where is my translator? Andy: Monsieur. Michael: There he is. Andy: I’m just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancée. Translation: Goodbye my petite fiancée. [chuckles] Angela: Be good. Andy: I will try. Angela: Meaning what? Andy: Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid. Michael: Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about. That could be you [points at Jim] if you hadn’t forgotten French. Where is my numbers man? Oscar: Here. Michael: There we go. Our town car awaits. Meredith: It’s just a van. Michael: It’s not just a van. Meredith: Look, I know my way around a van. That is just a van. Michael: Dwight, can you get those please? Dwight: [sighs and picks up Michael’s empty suitcases] Michael: [on airplane] Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa. Andy: Ah… sweet! Michael: Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet. Andy: Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp! Michael: Take a sip of that. [hands Andy his mimosa] Andy: Mm-hmm… Michael: That good? Andy: Mm… Michael: Don’t drink all of it. Give some to Oscar. Andy: That’s really good. [offers mimosa to Oscar] Oscar: I’m good. Michael: You want one of your own? I can hook you up. Stewardess: I’m sorry. You’ll need to keep moving. Michael: Yes, this is Beth. This is my personal valet/flight attendant and she will be helping me this morning. Beth: We need to keep the isle clear. Michael: Yes… Andy: Oh… Michael: Get back, get back. Come on, get back to the slums. Andy: Oh boy. [follows Oscar back to coach] Michael: [whisper] Hey… guys, check it out. My own personal DVD player and 20 movies. Oscar: [whispers] Andy brought one too. Andy: [loudly] Harry and the Henderson’s Michael: Shh! Keep it down. Oscar: I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one? [holds up sandwich] Michael: Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? [Andy laughs] My God, Oscar. Really? Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too, to share with everybody? No, I will be ordering my own food, thank you very much. Michael: [to stewardess] Hi. Beth: Hi. Michael: Um. I’d like to see a menu please. Beth: Oh, I’m sorry. There are no meals on flights less than two hours. Michael: Oh… okay. [looks back at Andy and Oscar] Doesn’t matter, because I am going to take a nap. I think I am going to use my complimentary blindfold. I will don it… and oh! Look at that. I can’t see because I am in a– [cart crashes into Michael’s leg] GAH! Beth: What would you like to drink? Ryan: [walks into Kelly’s cubicle and sets a box down on the desk] Just checking out where I’m going to be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension. Kelly: For you. I’m with Darryl. Ryan: This looks like where I’ll probably do my push-ups every day. [gets on floor and starts doing push-ups] Kelly: Is that supposed to impress me? [Ryan starts trying to do one-armed push-ups] Kelly: [talking head] No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a healthy relationship so I’m not gonna flaunt it and I’m not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed. Kelly: [making out with Ryan on her desk] What are we doing? This is so wrong. Ryan: Yeah… Mmm… Michael: [going up escalator in the hotel] This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet… ah. Oscar: I’ll check us in. Michael: Alright. Andy: Very cool. Michael: Very cool. Andy: We are going to find out where the action is, my friend. Michael: Okay. Andy: Where’s the concierge? Michael: Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those. Andy: Mmm… bingo! [indicates towards concierge desk] Follow moi, bro-sieur. Michael: Wow! Andy: [to concierge] What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view? Concierge: Tsk… Oh. Matsuki. That’s a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you can take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that, you can take the taxi and the number is right there. Michael: Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um… I–ah! This is great, thank you! Andy: One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight? Concierge: Oh, the Huntsman is good. Andy: [nodding towards Michael] The Huntsman. Concierge: Down here… the financial district. Michael: A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered. Pam: [at school in NYC] Can’t believe this. [pulls out cell phone… sighs] Jim: [in office] Are you sure? Pam: [over the phone] I just talked to my advisor. Failing. Jim: Wow. I thought you were good at Flash. Pam: I was, and then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I hate computers. Jim: Okay, okay, it’s no big deal. So, you’re not a computer geek. Pam: I have to stay and retake it. Jim: [looks shocked] W—Wow. Um. Well… okay. Pam: That means another twelve weeks. [pause] Can you do this for another three months? Jim: It’s not— It’s not about me. I mean, this your dream. Pam: [over phone] I know. Jim: And you went to New York to do this. So, when you come back you come back the right way. Right? Pam: [starting to cry] Right. Jim: [concerned look on face] You, okay? Pam: [over phone] Yeah, I’m fine. Um… my cell phone battery’s low, so I have to let you go. Jim: Okay. Pam: Alright. Jim: Alright. Pam: [over phone] Love you. Bye. Jim: Love you too. [hangs up phone, Pam sits on a bench crying] Michael: Guys, she’s in there. Andy: Engaging wings [imitates mechanical sound] Oscar: I’m probably going to leave after one drink. Michael: Let’s do this. Andy: Yeah, with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand. Michael: [goes up to concierge from the hotel] Excuse me, hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott. Good to see you again. Marie: Good to see you. Michael: Um, this is my associate uh, from Dunder Mifflin, uh, Oscar Martinez. Oscar: Nice to meet you. [shakes Marie’s hand] Marie: Oscar. Michael: Works in accounting. This is uh, concierge Marie… Oscar: Yes. Michael: …who works at our hotel. You look, how do you say, radiant tonight. Marie: Thank you. Michael: And it is, how do you say, a beautiful night— Oscar: Michael, why? Michael: She’s foreign. I am– Andy: For Madame et monsieur. [hands Michael and Marie a glass of wine] Michael: Oh, thank you. Andy: You’re welcome. Michael: Thank you, Andy. Marie: Thank you? Andy: Let me get a picture of you guys. Michael: Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think it’s better to die with people you like… like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie… than to know that there’s somebody out there that you love that you’re not with. Andy: Alright, I’ve scoped out the joint. Those two dudes are as good as naked. Oscar: How do you even know they’re gay? Andy: Come on! It’s Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there. [turns to bartender] Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas s’ill vous plait. [to Oscar] Bad decision in a glass. Andy: I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, engaged… whatever. A guy needs intercourse. Andy: You’ll thank me when they spank thee. Oscar: Don’t do this. [watches Andy take drinks to the other table] Andy: Do you guys like apples? Guy at table: What? Andy: Do you like apples? Guy at table: Uh, sorry… what? Andy: Well, how do you like these apples? [sets drinks on table] Alright, on a scale of 1 – 10, how hot is that dude? [indicates towards Oscar who waves slightly] Guy at table: Is he your boyfriend or something? Andy: No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right. Guy: Dude, leave us alone alright? Andy: Gentleman. [walks away] Oscar: What are you doing? Andy: Dude, you struck out. They’re totally stuck up. Here… drink up. Michael: How about this one? It’s Christmas eve-- Concierge Marie: Mmm-hmm… Michael: And everything’s closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do? Marie: Uh…A stro cleaners on St. Johns place is the only place open on that day. Michael: Unbelievable! Unbelievable. Oscar: If you don’t mind me asking-- Andy: Anything. You can ask me anything. Oscar: Okay. Andy: I’m your wingman. Oscar: It’s just that I’ve sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time. Andy: Right-o. Oscar: How could anyone stand that woman? Andy: What? Oscar: What do you see in her? Wh--what do you see in Angela? Andy: What do I see in Angela? Oscar: I want to know. Andy: I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she’s working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I’ve ever seen and I can’t wait to have sex with her. Oscar: You haven’t had sex? Andy: No. Oscar: Y–-Are you guys waiting to get married, or? Andy: Honestly, I don’t know what we’re waiting for. Oscar: Andy, something is wrong with that woman. Andy: What is wrong with her? Oscar: I’d like to know. You should call her and ask her. I’d like to know what’s wrong with her. Andy: I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her? Oscar: Do it! It’s a--Call her! [Andy holds up phone] Oh my God, don’t call her! Don’t call her, Andy. [giggling] Andy, don’t call her! Andy: Too late, too late. It’s dialing… now it’s ringing. [Oscar laughs] Shh… Angela: [on phone] Hello? Hello? Andy: What is wrong with you? Oscar: Why won’t you do Andy? Angela: What? Andy: That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won’t do me and I think it’s a valid question. Angela: Are you drunk? Andy: This is Andy Bernard! Angela: I know who this is! Andy: I wanna take you to sex school. Angela: What? Dwight: [over phone] Who is that monkey? Andy: Is somebody there? Angela: Are you drunk? Andy: I have needs. Angela: We will discuss this later. Andy: Naked. Angela: What? Andy: We’ll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked. Michael: [standing outside hotel room… whispering] Do you want to get some breakfast or something? Concierge Marie: I am so tired. Michael: Okay. Jim: [noticing that everyone is giving him a sympathetic look] How does everyone know already? Dwight: Know what? Meredith: Pam failed art school. Dwight: Oh, well, doesn’t surprise me. Jim: Excuse me? Dwight: Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions. Phyllis: Dwight, stop it. Stanley: Dwight. Dwight: What? Are there two suns? Meredith: Come on. Stanley: Oh my God. Dwight: Last I checked, that’s not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy. Jim: I’m gonna grab a cup of coffee. Dwight: It’s totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot. Andy: Oscar Oscar: Hey. Andy: That was fun last night. Oscar: Yeah, it was. Andy: You know, it’s true what they say— Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada. Oscar: Hey, um… thanks for trying to hook me up. Andy: You kidding me? It’s what I do. Get the whole nine ‘nards. [Oscar laughs] Oscar: I can’t believe we called her up. [both laugh] Andy: Totally. [continues laughing] What— Who? Oscar: I’m talking about Angela. I can’t believe we called her up last night. Andy: We called Angela? Oscar: You— you call— you called her. Andy: That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God! Oscar: Alright. Andy: Oh, God! Oscar: Okay. Andy: So bad! Oscar: Good morning, Michael. [Michael approaches table] Are you ready for the meeting? Michael: Slept like a baby. Kelly: Mmmm…. mmm. This can’t happen again. Ryan: This has to happen again. Darryl can’t happen again. Look at me. Do you want me to do more push-ups? Kelly: Yeah. Ryan: Okay. You have to break up with Darryl. I already typed out a text message for you. All you have to do is press “send”. Kelly: I don’t know. I mean, it’s well-written and all, I just— Ryan: Has to be done. We’ll press send together. [phone beeps] Kelly: Oh my God. He’s going to kill us. Ryan: I’d like to see him try. [kisses Kelly… cell phone beeps] Kelly: Oh! He says it’s cool. [laughs] He said, “It’s cool”. Ryan: That’s all he wrote? Kelly: That’s all he wrote. Ryan: Can I see it? Kelly: Mmm-hmm. Ryan: Didn’t you two date for like a long time? Kelly: Mmm-hmm. It’s like a fairy tale! [grabs Ryan and kisses him] Mmmm… Client: I’ll be honest with you--we’ve been talking with Catalyst Paper. Their prices are better than yours. Michael: Look, people continue to come back to us time and time again because they feel cared for here. They feel respected and they feel that their needs matter. They are treated like human beings. [sighs] Client: Everything okay? Michael: Yes. Andy: Oh man, she is so pissed. [sitting down by Oscar] Oscar: Mmm… Andy: She’s taking us back to first base. Oscar: What is first base with Angela? Andy: I get to kiss her forehead. [looks at Oscar] I had a good time hanging out this weekend. Oscar: I had a good time too. Andy: Wingman for life. W.M.F.L Oscar: Thank you. Andy: You up for a chest bump? Oscar: No. Andy: Bro hug? [Oscar shakes head… then sticks his hand out and Andy shakes it] Back to basics. I like it. Andy: I had to go all the way to Canada to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me. And he’s delightful! [laughs] David: [on phone] Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale. Michael: Yeah, we locked him up for two years. David: Good, very good. See, told you. Sounds like somebody had a good trip. Michael: No. Actually, the trip sucked. David: Excuse me? Michael: The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip. David: What are you talking about? Michael: I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van. David: Okay. Michael: And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time. David: The hotel? What, M— okay. Michael: It was not, it sucked. David: I’m sorry to hear the hotel was bad. Michael: Oh, and thanks for the tip on the concierge. That was great. That was great. That was-- that was a-- David: Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey. Michael: That was a really good choice. David: Michael, please let’s listen for a second. Michael: No, David. You listen to me. Why did you send her away? That— God. You knew I liked her and you just sent her away. And that--that was a sucky thing to do man. David: Michael, sometimes-- Michael: That was a really sucky thing to do. David: Sometimes, we– [Michael hangs up phone] Michael: Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. ‘Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it’s because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off… right to his face… over the phone. That’s respect. Kevin: You did it, man. [fist bumps Jim] Day one. Congrats. Jim: Thanks man. Pam: I’m coming back the wrong way. [smiles at Jim across the parking lot] It’s not because of you. I don’t like graphic design. That’s it. [laughs] Stop smiling. I really didn’t like it. It’s just designing logos and stuff…. and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home… and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can’t tell me what to do. Got it? Jim: I missed you. Pam: I missed you too. [Jim kisses her] Dwight: You’re back. Pam: Uh, yeah. Dwight: Good. I need you to make five copies of these. [hands Pam papers] Pam: I’m not going inside. Dwight: Alright. First thing in the morning then. Jim: Welcome back. Kelly: We’re back together again baby. Ryan: We’re back. Kelly: They tried to keep us apart, but they couldn’t. It was like destiny. Ryan: I--I realized that for whatever reason I… just couldn’t do better than Kelly. Kelly: Oh! Ryan: [whispers] Yeah.