The Duel
Written By: Jennifer Celotta Directed By: Dean Holland Transcribed By: Admin Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I’m sorry, he’s not in yet. Would you like his voicemail? Michael: [heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis! Pam: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It’s actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard. Dwight: [yelling as he runs past the radar gun] Aah! Phyllis: Wow, thirteen! Dwight: Yes! Michael: No. No, no. There was wind. Dwight: I was just jogging. Michael: Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over. Jim: No, no, no, it’s not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead. Michael: I want another try. Here we go! [Michael runs past the radar as a car passes] Thirty-one! Thirty-one! Stanley: There was a car. Michael: I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number. Oscar: Thirty-one is humanly impossible. Michael: Go, Oscar. Thirty-one’s my number. Oscar: That’s impossible. Michael: Beat it! Michael: Today’s a big day. My presence has been requested by [in an authoritative voice] Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. [in normal voice] He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I’ll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so… probably bad. Pam: Quick announcement: new year, new candy. Kevin: Whoo-hoo! Pam: Okay, be careful, Kevin. They’re kind of spicy. Kevin: Hot tamales. Pam: Yeah. Kevin: Uh oh. Pam: So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it’s okay, have a couple more… Andy: [entering the office] Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It’s kind of the elephant in the room, so I’ll just… [sighs] No one has RSVP’ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday. Michael: Wait, you still don’t know… Jim: [getting up quickly to silence Michael] No, no. Nope. Andy: Hmm? Jim: Nothing. Michael: You still don’t know. Jim: Why don’t… Let’s… Michael: [to Jim] What are you doing? Jim: How about we just… Just have to talk to you for a second… Michael: Andy. Jim: Ahh! [ushers Michael into his office] Andy: No, no one has RSVP’ed, and I don’t understand it, and now, you’re shutting me out. You’re not even listening. That’s really considerate. Thank you. Michael: [from inside his office] No, what I’m saying is… Jim: No, no. Michael: No, that’s not it. Jim: I know. Jim: Andy still doesn’t know that Angela’s having an affair with Dwight. And it’s been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he’ll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now, it’s just… awkward. Michael: [sighs] How can he still not know? Jim: We can’t figure that out. Michael: I can’t take it anymore. Dwight: Wait, what? You can’t take what? Michael: I am telling Andy. Dwight: No. You can’t do that. It shouldn’t come from you. Michael: Who should it come from, then? Everyone: [simultaneously] Angela. Michael: [to Dwight] Are you still having intercourse with her? [Dwight’s expression implies ‘yes’] Oscar: What is wrong with you? She is engaged. Michael: Did you ever have intercourse in this office? [Dwight’s expression implies ‘yes’] Oscar: Are you serious? Ugh. Where? [Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully] Where? [Dwight’s expression implies ‘at your desk’; Oscar’s voice breaks] Where, Dwight? Dwight: [coolly] Seems like you already know where. Angela: Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top. Kevin: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would’ve admitted it, and stopped right away. Angela: That’s enough. Kevin: Because I wouldn’t want an innocent person, who doesn’t know anything about the form… [Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar] What? Oscar: That was good… It’s just, at the end you weren’t saying something that could also apply to the form. Kevin: How about, “I’m sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?” Oscar: There you go. Andy: [on the phone] That cannot be true! [Dwight jumps] You’re going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I’m saying is, I want to cut it myself… Dwight: [whispering to Jim] Trade seats with me. Jim: No. Dwight: I’ve got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything. Jim: Please stop. Dwight: [grabs a spoon from Jim’s coffee cup and checks behind him with it] I need a soup spoon. Dwight: Rule 17: don’t turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. [sings] Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep. [makes chomping sound] Dwight: [moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela’s attention] Angela: What is it? Dwight: You’ve got to tell Andy about us. Angela: That is a terrible idea. One of your worst. Dwight: Get it over with. Then we don’t have to hide anymore. Angela: You’re expanding on your worst idea. Dwight: Do you love me or not? Angela: I’ve already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it? Dwight: Because you’re engaged to Andy. Angela: [sighs] Michael: Well? Dwight: Not yet. Jim: When? Andy: When what? [clears throat] When what? Michael: You know this can’t go on. Andy: What can’t go on? Michael: We have to put an end to this. Andy: Seems like… Michael: Come on. [Dwight and Jim follow into Michael’s office] Andy: You guys should… be hearing what I’m saying. Jim: This is really not how this is supposed to happen. Dwight: Angela said she was going to tell him. She’s just not ready. Michael: When will she be ready? Dwight: I don’t know. Michael: Is she crazy in bed? Dwight: [boastfully] Yes. Jim: Stop. What? Michael: How so, specifically? Jim: Okay, listen. Dwight: Eager. Jim: This shouldn’t happen at work. Dwight: And flexible. Jim: And! Michael: Really? Jim: This shouldn’t be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue. Michael: It’s too late. Jim: Well, it’s not too late, because you haven’t done anything. Michael: I am already walking. Dwight: Michael, once this gets out… I don’t know how it’s going to go down. Michael: Okay, what does that mean? Dwight: Might get ugly. Michael: [sighs] Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it. Jim: But you’re leaving… Dwight: [to Michael, who opens the door to leave] Have a good trip. Michael: Thanks. [to Andy] Andy? Andy: Yeah. Michael: Walk with me. Andy: Will do, boss-man. Michael: Ohh, I do not have much time… car’s all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say… say these things, that… are bad things… that you hear… in your ears… this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn’t want to hear… Andy: You’re not making any sense. Michael: Well… no, I’m not. So, I--I’m not very articulate today, so I’ll just leave it for another time. Another day. Andy: All righty. Michael: Which will be fine. I am off! Andy: Have a good meeting! Michael: Thank you! [gets into his car] Andy: [through the car window] Kick Wallace’s ass! Michael: [through the car window] Okay. I will… Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so… Andy: I can’t hear you through the glass. Michael: [rolls down car window] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They’ve been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know. Andy: What? Michael: All right. See you later. [backs out of the parking space] Ahh. Andy: Are you serious? Michael: Yep. [drives off] Meredith: I knew something bad was gonna happen today. Oscar: You said that yesterday. Meredith: Yeah, my neighbor got murdered. Jim: [to Dwight] What are you standing for? Dwight: If I’m sitting, I can’t disable his neck or his groin. Jim: You’re not going to do anything to his neck or his groin. Dwight: If I’m sitting, I don’t have the option to. Jim: Dwight, I’m in charge when Michael’s gone, and I need you to sit… Andy: [enters the office and walks to Angela] I need to talk to you. Angela: We can talk right here. Andy: I need to talk to you in private. Kevin: We’re not listening. Andy: Let’s go to the conference room. Andy: Is it true? Angela: What have you heard? Andy: That you’re sleeping with Dwight. Angela: That doesn’t sound like me. Andy: Is it true? Angela: Andy, I’m engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn’t want to get married? And we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake… Andy: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight? Angela: A little bit. Andy: How long has it been going on? Angela: I don’t know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and… I don’t know exactly when we started up again. Andy: Who else knows about it? Angela: Michael. Andy: Who else? Angela: [quietly] Let me think about it… I, um… there… [Andy looks over to see everyone watching them] Andy: Oh, God. Come on! David: So, listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don’t know exactly how to put this, but… what are you doing right? Michael: Right, what? David: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. [Michael smiles] Look, you’re not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing… is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is. Michael: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter… where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or… or where you’ve been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever. Michael: Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation. Michael: This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it’s cooler. David: Here’s the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It’s not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It’s Hail Mary time. Michael: [pokes his head in] Hey, what say we order up some pasta? David: What say we do. Angela: Standard, you know? Nothing fancy. Andy: So, like, missionary… Angela: I said nothing fancy. Andy: Do you love him? Angela: I love you. Andy: Why should I believe that? Angela: Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we’re not good together. Andy: Who says that? Angela: Or we can prove them wrong. Let’s prove them wrong. Andy: Where’s Dwight? Jim: You okay, man? Andy: No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what’s been going on this entire time. Creed: You are welcome. Andy: [Dwight enters] Dwight. Dwight: Andy. Andy: It’s over. Dwight: Oh good. She broke up with you. Andy: No. It’s over between you two. Dwight: Uh, no way. I am not giving up. Andy: You have to. Dwight: No, I don’t. Andy: [forcefully] She doesn’t love you. She’s marrying me. Dwight: [angrier] Well I don’t know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me. Andy: Angela Bernard. Dwight: Will never be her name. Andy: It will be her name. And you will have to call her that! Dwight: I don’t think so. Jim: Hey guys, why don’t we, uh, just cool off a bit? Andy: I’m telling you to back down. Dwight: And I’m telling you that I will never back down. Andy: Then I’ll make you. Dwight: Oh really? How are you gonna do that? Andy: Through the use of force. Dwight: That is very general and does not scare me in the slightest. Andy: I will fight you. Jim: Nope. Dwight: Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela. Andy: Fine! Dwight: Fine! Oscar: This is nuts. Dwight: What is your weapon? Jim: Okay, you know what? That’s enough. Because… Dwight: Hey, this is none of your business. Jim: Hey. It is my business when it happens at work. Andy: Guess what? Not happening at work. Dwight: Yes! Andy: We’re gonna do it outside. Dwight: Outside of work. Andy: None of your business. Dwight: None of your business then. [Dwight and Andy high five] Good. So, what weapon? Andy: My bare hands. Dwight: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands. Andy: Then I’ll get something too. Meredith: I’ve had two men fight over me before. Usually, it’s over which one gets to hold the camcorder. Pam: Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now. Angela: [thinks for a moment] I will respect the results of the duel. Pam: Of course, you will. Meredith: I call loser! Andy: I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot. Dwight: I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location. Andy: [softly] What a coincidence. Dwight: Mm. Jim: So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day… leaving Dwight in charge. Oh, God. Jim: [collects Dwight’s weapons from around the office, holds up a hand scythe] Dwight: [innocently] How’d that get there? Meredith: There’s a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table. Jim: Thanks, Meredith. Michael: So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I’ve never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, “Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?” And he looks at me and he says, “Michael, yes, it is a tweed jacket.” And I look back at him and I say, “I feel the need! The need for tweed.” David: It’s hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. [gets up] And thanks for coming in. Michael: [rises] Oh, thank you. David: Yes. Michael: I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me. David: Yeah. Michael: Okay. [sits back down to continue eating] David: [opens his office door] Yeah, finish up. Dwight: [shouting] Come on! Where are you? Let’s do this thing! Come on! Come on out! Angela: [watches from the conference room] I can’t believe they’re gonna fight over me. Kelly: I guess people have fewer choices as they get older. Dwight: Come on! Meredith: Hey, has anything happened yet? Dwight: Where are you? Oscar: Mm-mm. It’s 4:10, I don’t think he’s gonna show. Kevin: Oh come on, man! Believe in something. Dwight: Come on, coward! Where are you? Where… [spots a note attached to the bushes, goes to read it] “From the desk of Andrew Bernard.” [scoffs] A note. Pathetic. “Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.” True. “The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly…” [as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly] Kelly: There’s Andy, he’s in his car. You guys, what is he doing? Phyllis: Why isn’t Dwight turning around? Oscar: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win. Creed: Yeah. Dwight: [still reading] Alas, after much consideration and deliberation… Pam: Oh, my God! Stanley: What’s happening? Phyllis: Andy’s running over Dwight with his car. Dwight: Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey! Andy: Yeah. Everyone watching: Oh! Dwight: Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah! Andy: You give up? Dwight: Never! [hits Andy’s car with his bike chain] Get out and face me like a man! Andy: I am a man! I’m a bigger man than you’ll ever be! I would never sleep with another man’s fiancé! Dwight: You’re not a man! You don’t know how to take care of her! [hits his car with the bike chain] All you do is dress fancy and sing. [imitating Andy] “La la la la la la la la la la!” What does that mean? You can’t even protect her! Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When’s the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton? Dwight: Last year, idiot! [hits his car with the bike chain] Jim: Dwight! Are your legs broken? Dwight: No. My right one’s falling asleep a little bit. Jim: Andy, are you all right? Andy: Go away, Tuna! I’m winning this! Dwight: Yeah, back off. This isn’t your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? [hits his car with the bike chain] Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! [hits his car with the bike chain] Andy: What did you say? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Dwight: I sa- [Andy honks his horn] Andy: What? You stupid idiot! [Andy honks his horn] You’re like, you’re like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods… Dwight: Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch! Andy: I don’t get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice? Dwight: What? Andy: What! Dwight: She’s sleeping with you? Andy: I’m her fiancé. Dwight: She said she was only sleeping with me. Andy: [enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call] Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat… Yep, that’s the one. Dwight: [picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can] Andy: Thank you. [hangs up] Michael: Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was going to get chewed out, but hold on! Here’s an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. [sighs] Ahh! Dwight: [as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow, Jim catches him and he hands it over]