Stress Relief (Part 1)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Jeffrey Blitz Transcribed By: Admin Dwight: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid] Dwight: [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky? Angela: Did you bring your jerky in again? Dwight: [clears throat] Pam: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God! Phyllis: What-- Andy: Whoa, fire! Dwight: Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do, people? Pam: The phones are dead. Dwight: Oh, how did that happen? Kevin: It’s out in the hall. Dwight: No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct. Michael: Oh, my God! Okay, it’s happening. Everybody, stay calm. Dwight: What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure? Michael: Stay [bleep] calm! Dwight: Wait, wait, wait. Michael: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down! Dwight: No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway. Michael: What does warm mean? Everyone: [groaning] Oh, my God. Dwight: Not a viable option. Pam: Try a different door. Dwight: Okay, what’s next? Michael: Don’t run. Dwight: Oh! Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle? Andy: It– it’s warm. Dwight: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once] Jim: Back door. Dwight: Back to our options. Jeez! Okay! settle down everyone. No bunching! Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse. Stanley: Leave it woman! Michael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go! Dwight: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can… Oscar: Ah! My hand! That’s hot! Andy: Aah! This one’s hot too! Michael: Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself. Dwight: Okay, let’s go. Everyone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let’s go. Get out of my way! Dwight: Calm, please Andy: Get out of the way! Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim? Andy: Move it! Dwight: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha– Use a what to cover the mouth? Angela: [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It’s okay. Shh shhh. Dwight: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people. Angela: Oscar. Dwight: What’s next? Angela: Oscar! Oscar: Stay alive! I’m getting help! Angela: Pull me up! Oscar: You’re too heavy! Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh– save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh! Dwight: How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.] Pam: What do we do? Dwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Jim: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some firecrackers and they start popping] Angela: What is that? What is that? Andy: The fire’s shooting at us! Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?! Andy: Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Andy: Yes, ba--Yes, battering ram! Battering ram! Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! [Oscar’s leg crashes through the ceiling] Andy: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine] Michael: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!! Stanley: I’m about to die! Dwight: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation. Jim: What?! Dwight: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It’s not real Stanley. Don’t have a heart attack. Michael: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I’m gonna give him mouth to mouth. Jim: No, no, no! Don’t give him mouth to mouth for this! Michael: He’s going to swallow is tongue. Jim: No. Michael. Michael. Michael: Open your mouth. Come on. Don’t swallow it. Jim: [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael! Michael: Leave me al– Andy: You’re choking him! Michael: Saving him! David Wallace: How could you possibly think this is a good idea? Dwight: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. Michael: Electricity. Dwight: Shampoo. David Wallace: You could have burned down the whole building. Dwight: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days. Lawyer: Did you shout, “Fire!”, causing a panic? Dwight: Yes, I shouted “fire!”. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what– heeded– Michael: Hed. Heeded Dwight: When no one hedded-- Michael: Take hedded of. Dwight: N--no one would take hedded of my instructions. Michael: Heed. Heed. Dwight: So, you– Michael: Take heed of. Dwight: And, well, I don’t see my co-workers-- Michael: Take heed of. Dwight: Hee--heeding this right now. Lawyer: Wh–what? Michael: Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed. David Wallace: No, we are mad. Michael: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide. David Wallace: No, we’re not. Michael: I am not a mind reader, David. David: Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you. Michel: Can you shove down? Instead… shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer. Dwight: No. Michael: And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn’t like. Dwight: PETA. David Wallace: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious? Michael: Do you? David Wallace: Michael? Michael: You talking to me? David Wallace: Yeah. Michael: What? Dwight: Well… I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty-minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What’s the matter? You hungry? Michael: [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man’s life is in my hands. Dwight: Don’t you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay? Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping. Michael: That’s not gonna happen. I’m taking over as safety man. Dwight: What? You? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Come on. Michael: I’m a smart guy. I’ll figure it out. Dwight: That’s preposterous. Michael: No, I will. Michael: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, “Oh, this is the place that I might die today.” That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true. Michael: Shhh! Don’t excite him. Don’t make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley. Stanley: Thank you, Michael. Stanley: It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people… Stanley: [flashback] Not maybe. Yes or no. Stanley: [flashback] No way. Uh-uh. Stanley: [flashback] Are you from another planet? Stanley: [flashback] Boy, have you lost your mind? ‘Cause I’ll help you find it. Stanley: [flashback] Did I stutter? Stanley: [flashback] I’m done. Goodbye. Stanley: But the doctor said if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I’m going to die. Michael: Andy. Andy: [in a British accent] A throne for your highness. Stanley: I’m not sitting in a wheelchair. Michael: No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet. Stanley: I’m going to die. CPR trainer: A-B-C. Okay? And that stands for… airway, breathing and circulation. Michael: Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means “always be closing.” Dwight: This is a farce. I should be teaching this course. Michael: Shut it. Shut it. Michael: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his… when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So, I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can’t get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket. Kevin: [giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can’t keep doing this forever. CPR Trainer: It’s been 20 seconds. Kevin: Call it. CPR Trainer: Would you like to try next? Dwight: Absolutely I would not. Michael: You know who I really think should go? Stanley. Stanley: Oh, I don’t know. Phyllis: That’s not a good idea, Michael. Michael: Come on. Phyllis: He needs to rest. Michael: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you’re by yourself and your heart stops? Stanley: I would die. Michael: And you’re okay with that? Stanley: I’m okay with the logic of it. Michael: Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let’s do this. Stanley: Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I’m too old to find another job and I don’t have enough saved to retire. I feel like I’m working in my own casket. Michael: Come on Stanley. You’re losing you. You’re losing you. Do it! Angela: Michael! Michael: This is you we’re talking about. Angela: Michael. Michael: Okay, okay. I’ll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley. All right. CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing? Michael: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs. Rose: No, that’s not part of it. Michael: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? Kevin: I would want to live with no legs. Michael: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don’t do anything. Rose: All right, well, let’s get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute. Michael: Okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? Jim: How’s that gonna help you? Michael: I will divide and then count to it. Jim: Right. Rose: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song? Michael: Yes, yes, I do. I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified. Rose: No, it’s--Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive. Michael: Okay, I got it. Creed: [to Rose] You were in the parking lot earlier. That’s how I know you. Michael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive. Michael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah… Andy: Oh, you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it’s alright, it’s okay, [Michael and Kelly join in] you can look the other way. Loo do do! Rose: Okay! Andy: Da, da, da, da, da, da, da Rose: Okay! Everyone: [muttering] Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive. Rose: Yeah, okay. You didn’t maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn’t arrive because nobody called 911. So, you lost him. Dwight: Okay, he’s dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose? Rose: I have no idea. Dwight: Anyone else? Phyllis: We bury him? Dwight: Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. Creed: He has no wallet, I checked. Michael: He is an organ donor. Dwight: He is. Michael: Yeah. Dwight: Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go. Angela: Oh my God! Dwight! Kelly: Dwight! Angela: What are you– [people are yelling] What are you doing? Dwight: We search for the organs. Where’s the heart? The precious heart. Stanley: I’m not feeling well. I need to sit down. Michael: Hey, Stanley. Andy: Stanley. Michael: Are you okay? Angela: Oh my God! [Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own] Stanley: Oh my God! Angela: Dwight! Dwight: Clarice? Stanley: Oh my God! David Wallace: Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy? Dwight: I didn’t think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it’s pretty realistic. David Wallace: We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty-five hundred dollars. Michael: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Dwight: Wow. Michael: Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. Andy: Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it’s almost all seeds] Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges. Pam: We don’t normally download films illegally. Because we’re honest, hardworking people. Jim: And we don’t know how. Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him. Jim: Punishment fits the crime. Jessica Alba: [movie] I want you to meet my nana. Nana… Lily: Mmm-hmm… Jessica Alba: This is Sam. Sam: Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday. Lily: Please– Call me Lily. [light chuckle] Let’s play Bridge. You can be my partner. Sam: Alright… Lily. Jim: [after Pam checks her cell phone] What’s going on? Jim: Uh, no one really knows, but Pam’s parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage. Pam: My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and… it kinda sucks. Jim’s been great. But I’m gonna need to buy my dad a robe. Pam: He’s not saying what he needs to say. Andy: Hmm? Who? Sam? Pam: Yeah. Jim: I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they’re saying to everyone else, then– Andy: Hmm. Andy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They’re catching things that are totally going over my head. Michael: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? Dwight: I have. Michael: Let’s hear it. Dwight: [clears throat] “I state my regret.” Jim: You couldn’t of memorized that? Dwight: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It’s not a big deal. Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley. Dwight: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now! Pam: Hi dad. Yeah, Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom. Lily: [movie] I’m in here. Sam: I uh, I’m sorry I didn’t uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go? Lily: I want you to stay. Jim: Gimme a break. Andy: I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie’s mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite. Sam: [movie] Get that in there. Oh yeah. Lily: Get that done already. Sam: I know but if I get it in deeper… Jim: [to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast. Andy: Yeah… but… eh… breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don’t think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast? Pam: So, he doesn’t share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter’s fiancé? Andy: You guys, they’re making out. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Um, did my dad say anything about my mom? Jim: Mmm… nope, we mostly just talked about cereal. Pam: [sighs] Jim: What? Pam: I dunno. I mean, maybe he’ll talk to you about some of this stuff ’cause he can’t really talk to me about it. Jim: Mmm… Pam: You’re good to talk to. Jim: [laughs] I’m okay, I’m not, great, and, um… [nods] Michael: [in a monk-impression tone] Ohmmm… Ohmmm… Everybody, sit on the floor Indian style like me. [Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael] Ohmmm my God if you’re wearing a dress, please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm… ohmmm… Michael: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think… of death. It’s kinda nice… Michael: [everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand] It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance. Jim: Don’t open your eyes. Pam: What? [opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh… Michael: And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out. Meredith: Chunky monkey. Michael: Too expensive. Stanley: Chocolate. Michael: Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones. Stanley: It’s my bio-feedback machine… Michael: Oh, okay. What is that, like, a video game? Stanley: It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down. Michael: You have stress? Stanley: Yes… Michael: During our relaxation exercise? Phyllis: Let me get you some water. Michael: No no, I’ll help you. I’ll help you up. Here we go. Stanley: No, Michael, No. [beeping speeds up] Michael: Let me getcha. Stanley: Would ya, would ya step back please. Michael: Okay, alright. Stanley: Please. A little further. Michael: Okay. [beeping slows down] Stanley: That’s better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again] Michael: Okay… I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh… Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That’s what he said! Right guys, ’cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley’s monitor now] Michael: Let’s give this a shot. Michael: Hellloo… [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer] Kevin: Michael, I think you’re what’s stressing everybody out. Michael: So… it wasn’t Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you’re the killer… it’s, uh… great twist. Great twist. Pam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say? Pam: What did you say to my dad? Jim: What? Pam: After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment. Jim: Oh my God. Pam, I don’t know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I’m so sorry, I don’t know. I’ll call him again. [Pam rolls her eyes and walks away] Jim: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so… it was her parents or my parents… Pam: What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?