Lecture Circuit (Part 2)
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Ken Kwapis Transcribed By: Admin [previously on The Office…] Michael: I am on a lecture circuit. I’m goin’ around to all the branches, and I’m telling them my secret recipe for success. Michael: I have now memorised all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy. Michael: [holding a chainsaw] And I turn it on and I say, ‘Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.’ Karen: How’s Jim? Pam: We’re engaged. Karen: Oh my God, I’m so happy for you! Pam: Oh, wow, thank you! Michael: You remember Holly? She used to work for HR? She’s the love of my life. She just left… and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. Pam: Okay, let’s go. Oscar: [Kevin is holding two ice cream treats] Two? Kevin: I didn’t eat lunch. [Oscar gives Kevin a look] I didn’t eat all my lunch. Angela: [enters smiling and waving] Hello, everyone. Oh, ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good. Kevin: It--yeah. Oscar: Angela, you’re more chipper than usual. Angela: I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. [takes a breath, excitedly] She’s hypoallergenic. She doesn’t struggle when you try to dress her. She’s a third-generation show cat. Her father was in ‘Meet the Parents.’ Needless to say, she was very, very expensive. Meredith: How much? Angela: Seven thousand dollars. Creed: For a cat? I could get you a kid for that. Oscar: Where’d you get that kind of money? Angela: I sold Andy’s engagement ring on eBay. Kevin: Wait, you didn’t give it back? Angela: He wouldn’t have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady! Meredith: Seven grand? Angela: Mm-hmm. Meredith: I gotta see that little bitch. Angela: I have something better than a picture. Come on. Oscar: You have your cats on Nanny-Cam? Angela: Yeah. [cats meowing] I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat, but I’m out of vacation days. And this company still doesn’t recognise cat maternity. I mean, when somebody has a kid, oh sure, take off a year. Meredith: She’s right. I had my second kid just for the vacation. Angela: Right. Anyways… I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone. Kevin: Any cat, you mean. Angela: And person. Pam: So, detour. We’re now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don’t think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! [laughs] [whispers] I’ve been driving too long. Dwight: [shouts from another room] What did you do? Kelly: Stop yelling at me! Dwight: What did you do? Kelly: I didn’t do anything! Dwight: What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm? Jim: Hey! What the hell’s goin’ on? Dwight: Why don’t you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15. Kelly: I was kickin’ it. Dwight: In juvie. Jim: What? Dwight: Juvie… nile… Detention Center. Where they send teenagers! Jim: Yep. Dwight: For reha-- Jim: Got it. Dwight: What did you do? Huh? Jim: Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy. Dwight: Yeah, if she’s old enough to get married, she’s old enough to follow the law. [to Kelly] What did you do? Kelly: My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father’s. And I just thought it’d be really romantic, like ‘Thelma and Louise,’ but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can’t believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday! Dwight: I thought you said yesterday was your birthday! Jim: Hey, you know what? I got you a cake. Kelly: You did? I wanna see the cake. Jim: And… ta da. Kelly: I hate it. Jim: How do you hate it? It’s a cake. Kelly: Well, there’s no flowers… or toys… or— I mean, there’s nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn’t have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly! Jim: Right. Jim: I forgot if there was an “e” between the “l” and the “y.” I still don’t know. Kelly: I mean, I don’t even know what the theme is. What’s the theme?! Jim: Birthday. Dwight: Frosting. Kelly: Those aren’t… themes. There’s always a theme. [walks out] Phyllis: There’s always a theme. Dwight: Nice job on the cake, Bozo! Jim: Okay, you know what, next time, I’ll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl. Pam: [taking Michael’s picture] Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah. Michael: Do I look okay? Pam: You look good. Michael: Hi. Receptionist: Hi, can I help you? Michael: Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch. Receptionist: Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat. Michael: Thank you. Um… is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here? Receptionist: Actually, she’s on an HR retreat for the next three days. Michael: Oh--She’s not here? Receptionist: But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He’s a salesman here. Michael: A.J. Receptionist: Yeah, he’s her boyfriend. He’s just over there. Michael: She has a boyfriend. Pam: I’m so sorry, Michael. Michael: How could she do this to me, Pam? Pam: She’s not doing it to hurt you. Michael: I can’t do the presentation, I can’t--[voice cracks] just----thinking about seeing him… and… thinking about… him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just--oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face] Pam: Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn’t want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but-- Michael: I know, just--uh, please, I’m going through something, okay? [exhales] Pam: You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she’ll realise what she’s missing. Michael: And then she’ll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die. Pam: Yeah, maybe. Michael: [laughs] Pam: Maybe. One step at a time. Michael: [sighs] Pam: You can do this. Michael: I can do this. Oscar: It could be snacks, or-- Kevin: Why would we-- [cats meowing from Angela’s computer, sounds like crying] Oscar: Wha-- Kevin: Is that what I think it is? [Kevin and Oscar get up and go to Angela’s computer] Oscar: Good God! Kevin: [gasps] Oscar: [laughs] Angela: [gasps] Kevin: That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady! Angela: No! Meredith: Awesome! Angela: Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat! That is very bad! You stop it right now! I swear, he is fixed. Meredith: Yeah, I know fixed, that ain’t fixed. Kevin: No way. Angela: No, now listen. You can’t let what you see here, sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats. [all laugh] I gotta go. I’ll be back in an hour. Oh, stop that! Oh! Kevin: Oh, the other one’s watching. Jim: Okay, so all we need is a theme… and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake. Dwight: Busy! Jim: Hey, what’s that show that she’s always talking about? Dwight: Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? ‘Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face. Jim: You know what? I could use a little help. Dwight: You know what? I’m a little busy. Jim: We have a lot to do, and you are… putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you’ve been doing, is making a sign? Dwight: It’s not effeminate. It’s festive. Jim: You’ve been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party’s now at 3! Stanley: I know, I just read it on the sign. Michael: Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn… about paper” and get them to “Show us the money!” Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let’s see the salesmen. [some raise their hands] Oh, okay. Well, I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you’re a salesman. What’s, uh, what’s your name? A.J.: A.J. Michael: A.J. What kind of name is A.J.? A.J.: [laughs] Michael: What do you race cars? A.J.: [laughs] I’m a salesman. That’s why I raised my hand. Michael: Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You’re funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date? A.J.: Yeah. Why, are you interested? [all laugh] Woman: I have a question about discounts from distributors. Michael: Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you’re dating somebody? Um… is it serious? A.J.: It’s pretty serious, yes. Michael: Huh--does she ever talk about me? [voice cracking] Pam: Oh, God. A.J.: Excuse me? Man: What does this have to do with sales? Michael: It’s all connected. Shut up. [to A.J.] Does she ever mention ‘Michael Scott?’ A.J.: No, what are you talking about? Michael: [sighs loudly] Does it feel good? A.J.: Does what feel good? Michael: [grunts] Your life. [sits down, upset] Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let’s just--We’ll just continue. [sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset] Oh, wow. [takes deep breath] Ooh, okay. Pam: Michael, get off the floor! Michael: Yeah, yeah… uh, I can’t do this, Pam. Just read from--just read the cards. Pam: [whispers] No, no, no, you have to do it-- Michael: No, no, I’m okay. I’m all right. [sighs heavily] Okay… okay. Pam: That was weird, huh? It’s all part of the presentation. It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs. [pauses] I’m just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened and the fact that I’m going to be doing the rest of the presentation. [reading from the cards, in Forrest Gump voice] Sales is like a box a chocolates, you never know which vendor you’re gonna get. Forrest Gump. Pam: [pointing to staff members] Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly’s boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorise names. I have a chainsaw! [holds up chainsaw, makes a wimpy chainsaw noise] Cutting down the competition. Angela: [cats meowing in background] [on Nanny-Cam] Where is that bad cat? Oh, you know who you are. Excuse me, Petals, I’m looking for Mr. Ash. He’s a bad cat. Bad, bad cat. Do you hear me? Bad. Yeah, you were bad. No, you look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? You look at me. ‘Cause I’m talking to you right now. Oscar: [chuckles] Kevin: [snickers] Angela: [meows like a cat, then hisses] Kevin: This is getting weird. Oscar: Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue? [Angela licks cat, meows] Kevin: Ohhh… Michael: [sighs, touches Holly’s sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly’s computer named “Dear Michael,” plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer] Angela: [shivers] [meowing noises] Has this been on the entire time? Oscar: I have no idea. Kevin: I was looking at pictures of food on my computer. Angela: [sigh of relief] Well, sorry I’m late. [clears throat, coughs, pulls hairball out of her mouth] Oscar: I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat, are not things I want to go into. Also, I’m pretty sure she coughed up a hairball. Pam: [loading up car with Michael] Don’t look up. Don’t look up. [sighs as office workers all looking from window] Michael: Want some pie? Pam: No. Michael: I went through Holly’s things. Pam: What? Michael: I stole a sleeve of her sweater. Pam: Oh, Michael… Michael: I also stole something off of her computer. A document called “Dear Michael.” Pam: You did what? Michael: I shouldn’t have done it. It just--I couldn’t help it. Pam: She never sent it to you? Michael: No, sh--she didn’t. I’m gonna read it. Pam: No. Michael: Yes. Pam: No, under no circumstances can you read that letter. It’s a violation of her trust. Michael: How? Pam: Because, she didn’t send it to you! Michael: I know, I know. You’re right, you’re right. Pam: I could read it. Michael: No, that wouldn’t-- Pam: Yeah, I could read it. Michael: No, you don’t have to do that. Pam: Go get your laptop. Michael: Okay. [leaves to get laptop] Pam: [to camera] What? I’m not in love with her. Dwight: [blowing up balloon, breathes loudly] You have to write my suggestions down, too. Jim: I’m not writing, “Horse Hunt.” I don’t even know what that means. Dwight: It’s in the name. Jim: [grunts] Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting. Dwight: You’re right, forget horse hunting. It’s stupid. Jim: Look, is there a birthday you remember that you loved? Dwight: Here’s one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I’d never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord. [pretends to bite] Jim: Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That’s disgusting, and it doesn’t count. So, give me another one. Dwight: Schrutes don’t celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. [rolls eyes] What about you? Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my Dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome. Dwight: That’s cool. Hey, you know what’s even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed. Jim: [to camera] Didn’t see that one coming. Pam: [closes laptop] It’s deleted. Michael: Well? Pam: She still has feelings for you. Michael: She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say? Pam: I can’t tell you specifically, but… it’s not over. Michael: You’re sure? Pam: [nods and smiles] Michael: [smiles, sighs, chuckles] Okay. Kelly: [enters conference room] All: Happy Birthday! Meredith: Surprise! Dwight: Hey, it’s not a surprise. Jim: Not a surprise. Kelly: This doesn’t look good. Jim: What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake, with your name spelled correctly? Kelly: [shakes her head no] Dwight: Told you. Jim: You haven’t heard our theme, though. Kelly: You don’t hear a theme, you see it… why is there a chicklet on my cake? Jim: That’s the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television. Dwight: Our theme, if you will. Jim: Because the fun part is, you get to decide on an hour of television, or an hour of napping. Dwight: That’s our theme. Kelly: Cool. Jim: Yeah? Kelly: I love it. Dwight: [high-fives Jim] Oh, yes! Okay, good. So, what’s it gonna be, Kapoor? Kevin: Ooh--can she pick a half hour of each? Dwight: No. Jim: No. Kevin: Oh, then pick TV. Meredith: Take a nap! Oscar: TV. Kevin: No, watching TV at work is really cool. Stanley: Take a nap, nothing good is on TV right now. Creed: Bonnie Hunt is on. Kelly: You know what, I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap. Jim: All right. Dwight: Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We’re gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let’s go. Meredith: Surprise. Dwight: Move it! Let’s go, go, go, go, go. I got this. Jim: Ahem. This is for you… and [puts blanket around her shoulders] …Happy Birthday, Kel. Kelly: [giggles] Thank you. Dwight: [turns off lights] Okay, you’ve got one hour. [shuts door] Kelly: I’m too excited to sleep. Dwight: Mm, great cake. Jim: Thanks. [both eat cake] Dwight: [opens door to wake Kelly, bangs together two trash can covers loudly] Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. [slaps Kelly’s butt] Many happy returns. [slams door] Michael: I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologise to Roy or something. Pam: No, we don’t need to do that. Michael: Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him! Pam: You mean Tony? Michael: Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony! Pam: Oh, Michael. Michael: Man, was he fat. So, so… fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty.