New Boss
Written By: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Dwight: Michael, since it is your fifteenth anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a fifteen-minute round of applause. Michael: I like it. Dwight: Followed by a fifteen-minute moment of silence. Jim: [wearing a tuxedo] I don't know. Is it classy enough? Dwight: Jim! Enough with the classy, okay? Jim: I just feel like after fifteen years at this company, bravo by the way, that we should celebrate with a very classy event, a night to remember. Michael: I think you're right. This party has to have all the excitement, drama and intrigue of my time here. Jim: And of course, classy. Michael: And classy, yeah. Dwight: Michael, you're just agreeing with him because he's wearing a tux. Don't you see what he's doing here? Jim: Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code. So, this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously. Dwight: Oh, here's one. A string quartet, playing classy-cal music. [Jim grimaces] Michael: [watches Jim grimace, copies him] You know, that's good but it's not classy. I--I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership. Jim: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut. Michael: Yes. Dwight: Mr. Peanut is not classy. Michael: He is. Dwight: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat. Michael: That's what makes him classy. Dwight: Okay, how about this? An ice sculpture, shaped like you, covered in chocolate-covered strawberries. Jim: Oh, Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy. You see, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind. Dwight: Well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what classy is then. Jim: Okay, well let's just try this one on for size. And I apologise because it's right off the top of my head. An ice sculpture. Of you. Completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits. Michael: Strawberries? Jim: That's inspired. Dwight: I said that! [storms out, slams door behind him] Pam: Not classy. Michael: Not classy at all. Jim: De classé. Michael: French. Classy. Pam: Hi, can I help you? Charles: Yeah, I'm Charles Miner, here to see Michael Scott. Pam: Sure. Just one second. Please have a seat. Michael: [on speakerphone] Yes? Pam: Michael, there's a Charles Miner here to see you. Michael: Miner? I hardly know her! Hello? Pam: Yeah, are you coming out now? Michael: Uh-huh. [comes out of office] Well, well, well, who have we here? Ah, it is Prince Charles Miner. [shakes Charles' hand] At your service. Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner and he is the new VP for the Northeast region. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up. [leads round of applause] Here he is. Charles: I--I was-- Michael: Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight, would you escort our guest in there? C'mon, here we go, don't be shy, don't be shy, you're one of us. [whispers] Dwight, stall him a little, I have to get the fish. Jim: Hey. Michael: Yes. Jim: Really wish you would have told me the new boss was coming today. Michael: What? No, I didn't want to make everybody nervous. Jim: Nope. I mean, I could have brought a change of clothes, or-- Michael: You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Okay, get the fish. Dwight: Originally founded in 1866, Scranton quickly became one of Pennsylvania's largest anthracite coal-mining communities. Michael: Surprise, there is nothing in here. The real surprise is in the conference room. Let's go! [swings arm above head for everyone to come, hits doorframe] Oh! God! Okay, come on, come on! Dwight: We'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is... Michael: Surprise! [unveils bagels sitting on table] As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's, for Charles. Charles: Thank you. Michael: Took me all night. Pam: This is what you did last night? Michael: I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each other's vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides, the last two people to have his job were Jan and Ryan. The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend. So, who knows? I do. [in British cockney accent] It's gonna be mental! It's going to be mental. Kelly: My god, he's like a black George Clooney. Angela: Really? I don't see it. I mean, he's okay, he's not unattractive, it's. . . Jim: Hey, how you doing? Jim Halpert, sales. Just wanted to say, if you need anything, let me know. Charles: Why are you wearing a tuxedo? Jim: I didn't think you'd notice. [laughs nervously] Uh, it's funny actually, there's another salesman out here, Dwight Schrute, and he sent out this memo, as he always does, and, uh, it was about professionalism in the workplace. Of course, he singled me out. So, I just had to mess with him. Charles: Uh. Jim: Oh, you'd understand if you read the memo which I should probably get you, there's probably one in a drawer... uh. It was pretty crazy. But, uh, not more crazy than wearing a tux, at work, I grant you that... so, uh. Charles: Your name is Jim? Jim: Jim Halpert, yep. So, um, just going to let you get back to it... [being pulled away by Pam] Pam: He just had to wear his tux today. Jim: I thought it'd be funny. Pam: Took him 40 minutes to get ready. Michael: All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department. Charles: Hey, I come from accounting, too. Michael: Oh, nerd alert! Kevin: Ni-- Michael: This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart. But he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever and I am very proud of him for that. Charles: Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you. Michael: This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there, in the orange [points to Andy] Andy: Hey-o! Michael: There you go! Where's the other? Charles: You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sеxual history. Michael: Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sеxual history. Kevin: Hey! Charles: How about I just say hi to everyone at one time? Michael: Good. Good, good, good. Everyone, please give it up for Charles Miner. [claps] Charles: Thank you, Michael. Thank you for the C-shaped bagels. Michael: Oh! Well... Charles: That's great. Michael: Above and beyond. Charles: Hey, you know we're in tough times and we're not immune to this economy. Michael: That's true. Charles: But the goal is to, you know, fight our way through this. Stanley: [clears throat, raises his hand] Stanley Hudson. Are there gonna be layoffs? Michael: No. Absolutely not. Charles: Uh, hold on, Michael, thank you. Uh, Stanley, you know, we can't make any promises, but we'll try everything in our power to avoid that. Oscar: Do you have specifics? Charles: Sp--Well, um, Michael should have filled you in last week. Michael: Well, due to the economy, there is a lot of worry going around. I didn't want to worry people. Charles: You didn't tell them. Michael: Well, why don't-- Charles: Yeah, I will. What I told Michael last week-- Michael: Charles is going to tell you. Charles: Is that we are cutting three percent across the board, which means we will no longer be matching 401k contributions. All overtime requests will need to come through the corporate office. Stanley: Fantastic. Michael: Well, it's not official. Charles: It is official. It is official. And actually, guys, I'm encouraging branches to consider a freeze on discretionary spending. Michael: Such as salary, benefits, etc, etc. Insurance. Charles: No, no, not salaries. Petty cash, supplies, and uh, you know, parties. Michael: Well-- Dwight: What about your party? Michael: Okay, okay, you know what? I think this has been great. I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen. [starts round of applause] He has a long trip home. Thank you for coming in. We have to get back to work. Charles: Michael, I'm going to stay for the day. Michael: Oh no, no, no. You don't have to do that. I've got this covered. This was just a meet-and-greet. Charles: No, it's a little bit more than that. I'm going to set up in here, okay? Michael: I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have. Thrilled. Michael: [on speakerphone] David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed. David: What gave you that idea? Michael: It was my understanding. David: I see. Michael: Listen, why don't we just leave that position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability. David: Look, Michael, Charles is very qualified. Get to know him. I really think the two of you are going to make a great team. Michael: But the branch is still mine? David: You're still the branch manager, yes, and if you need anything else at all, just let Charles know. Dwight: Ask him about the party. Michael: Oh, right. David, are you coming to my fifteenth anniversary party? David: I'll give it my best shot, Michael. Dwight: No, the other thing. Michael: Oh, okay. If we hire Cirque de Soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with year-end tax stuff? [several seconds of silence] Dwight: He hung up? David: No. Michael: I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better. And I agree, so what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before. Charles: No. Michael: Come on. What's your wife's name? Where did you work before you came here? Charles: Saticoy Steel. Michael: Beautiful. See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names. Charles: No, I worked at a company called Saticoy Steel. Michael: You're not from paper? Charles: No. Michael: Does David know this? Charles: Yeah, he knows. He just wants a good manager. Michael: Well, that, actually, is an excellent segue into really what is my only point-- Charles: And what is that? Michael: And that--I--I don't need to be managed, Charles. And if you want pick up some tips, observing here, and take them to the other branches, it's all good. But Jan would mostly come by when she was super hоrny, and Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry, so... Are we clear? Charles: That's not how I plan on doing things. Michael: Okay, alright, well I'll just bounce that off David, see what comes back. Charles: I'll tell David what he needs to know. Sorry. David wants it this way. Michael: Whatever David wants. Charles: Okay. Michael: [on phone] Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible. Thanks. Dwight: Oh, Michael, come on, no. You have to charm 'em. [calls back on speakerphone] Stephanie: David Wallace's office. Dwight: Hey there, gorgeous. How you doing today? Stephanie: Good. Thank you. Dwight: How's it hanging? Stephanie: Alright... Dwight: Good. Listen, my name is, uh, Michael... Scotch. And, uh, I just wanted to say that, uh, I've got David Wallace's son in the trunk of my car. If he doesn't get on this phone in five seconds-- Michael: No! You idiot! [hangs up] Idiot, idiot, idiot! What are you doing? God! Oh my god. [redials] Stephanie: David Wallace's office. Michael: Hi Stephanie, it's Michael Scott again. I just spoke with Michael Scotch and the son's going to be returned, everything's fine. Stephanie: Michael... Michael: And I really, really need to talk to David. Stephanie: Please hold. Charles: [on cell phone] Charles Miner. Hello? Hello, who is this? Who is this? Michael: I was never given a name. [hangs up, he and Dwight sigh in relief] [Jim yawns at desk, looks up to see Charles watching him from conference room, looks up again to see Charles peering through blinds, Dwight smiles] Pam: [to delivery men] Uh, hi, can I help you? I don't think anyone here-- Charles: Oh, uh, Pam? Hey everyone, lunch is on me today. Angela: That is so unnecessary! Michael: Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast? Charles: It's no big deal. Michael: I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad. Charles: You still have that option. [Michael sighs] Angela: Thanks again, Charles. Kelly: Thank you. Michael: Nobody thanked me. Jim: Thanks, Charles. Michael: For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties, and then you spend all of this money on lunch, I think it's a little hypercritical. Charles: I do this for every branch I go to. If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels left over from this morning. Michael: [on phone] Damn it, Stephanie, put me through to him. Is that him in the background? David? David! David, pick up the phone! Kelly: Should I seduce him? Angela: No. No one wants to see that. [both smile at David] Kevin: Michael? Michael: Yep. Kevin: I just realised that I used the 2008 calendar to do the spreadsheets for January and February. I may need to come in this weekend to fix it. Michael: Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what, Kevin, I applaud your initiative. Yes. You may. Charles: Uh, no, sorry, Michael. No, Kevin, right? We're going to need you to do that during office hours. Kevin: Okay. Charles: Okay. Michael: Kevin? This is my branch. You don't ask Charles. You ask me. I say, approved. Charles: That's not the way it's gonna work. Michael: Yes it is! Charles: No, it is not. Michael: No, it is not. Charles: Okay, so we're on the same page, great. Michael: Okay, so we're on the same page, great. Charles: Okay, Michael, what are you doing? Michael: Okay, Michael, what are you doing? Charles: No, seriously. Michael: No, seriously. Charles: How old are you? Michael: How old are you? Pam: Oh no. Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do, the more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad. Charles: Five years old? Michael: Five years old? Andy: Duuudes, stop. Employees: [as Michael continues imitating Charles] Not a good idea, Michael. Michael, stop. Stop doing that. Stop it. You're going to get all of us in trouble. Charles: I will walk away. Michael: I'm gonna walk away. Andy: Stop doing that! Michael: I'm kidding around, wow! Relax, everybody, it's just a joke. It's fine. Boy, so touchy. PPC, let's continue our morning meeting in the conference room. Pam: And then, out of that cake, pops another stripper holding a smaller cake. And then an even smaller stripper pops out of that one. Michael: What is that smaller stripper holding? Pam: Cupcake. It's cupcakes and strippers all the way down. Michael: Okay. Charles: What exactly is the PPC? Phyllis: Oh, that's the Party Planning Committee. They spend hours planning parties. Charles: Excuse me, guys. What's going on in here? Michael: Party Planning Committee. Not your concern, Charles. Charles: This doesn't seem like a good way to spend company time. Michael: Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead. Jim: No, I would like to get back to work, actually, please. Charles: Whatcha got, Jim? What is a two-way petting zoo? Jim: You pet the animals and they pet you back. Michael: It's a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay. Pam: It's really just a regular shaped cake. Michael: But it's cool, and it's-- Charles: This isn't a good use of company time, Michael. Michael: Whoa. You're talking about my anniversary party, so... Charles: Everyone, except for Michael, go back to your desks. Michael: Yeah, why don't you do that? Charles: [Dwight, Jim and Pam leave] Thank you very much. Michael: Yeah, here we go. Okay. Charles: Okay, Michael, I'm dissolving this committee. Michael: What? Charles: Yeah, I mean, come on. This is a workplace. It isn't designed for your vanity. Michael: Newsflash: I've been here for fifteen years. Headline: You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story! Charles: I don't know if I have hurt your feelings or you do not disagree with my methods, but it is over. Michael: Okay, no, no, no, no. No. You know what? I'm going to New York. And I am going to talk to David Wallace. [gets jacket] I'm going to tell him everything. And I'm sorry to say, you're screwed. And, you know what? You are gonna be through. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do that to you. Do you even know how paper is made? It's not like steel. You don't put it into a furnace. If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen? You'd ruin it. [pushes chair as he leaves] Charles: [Jim knocks on door] Come in. Jim: Hey. Charles: Hey. Jim: Alright, Charles, I've gotta be honest. I think we really got off on the wrong foot here. And, truth be told, I'm a pretty smart guy, and, uh, a hard worker. And a great number two for the office. Charles: Number two? Jim: Second-in-command to Michael. Charles: Oh, I didn't know that position existed. Jim: Oh, that's because at first it was a made-up position for Dwight, just to make him feel better, assistant to the regional manager. But then he lost that, and Michael gave it to me. Charles: So, you're the assistant to the regional manager? Jim: Assistant regional manager, yeah. Charles: Any responsibilities come with it? Jim: No, not exactly. Charles: So, you keep this made up position? It's important to you? Jim: Alright, I will, um, I'm just gonna let you get back to that. Charles: Yeah, would you, uh? Jim: Yep. [shuts door behind him] Michael: Hello, Stephanie. Okay, where is he? [looks into empty office] David: [coming out from bathroom] Michael. Michael: [points to bathroom door] So is this the meeting you've been in all day? David: How did you get here, Michael? Michael: I drove. David: Okay. Michael: Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. I've already bought ‘em. And I don't have a place to store them. So, I feel like I've been sort of boned. David: Michael. Listen-- Michael: Do you talk to him about this? You've talked to him all day, obviously. Did you talk to him about this? David: Well, I didn't know about the figs, specifically... Michael: Okay. Then I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles, and then Charles was supposed to talk to you, and that would dilute any need for me to ever talk to you again. David: That's not exactly-- Michael: Clearly that's what you wanted. David: No. Michael: Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot. David: Yes. Michael: I've put having a family on hold. David: We didn't ask you to do that. Michael: And I've never gone hang-gliding. And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington. Charles: Okay. Nice meeting everyone. I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Andy: Cool. Dwight: Excellent. Angela: It was very nice meeting you, Charles Miner. Jim: See ya. See ya. [Charles leaves] Bye! Jim: And for my next trick, I will make my career disappear. Kelly: I could see our kids facing obstacles being half-Black and half-Indian, but it's so worth it, you guys. Phyllis: It's just me here. Kelly: I am going to get him to buy me a prime rib tonight. Phyllis: I think he left. Kelly: What?! Move! [pushes cameraman out of the way] Angela: [Kelly runs to parking lot in the rain] Hello, Charles? Charles! Kelly: Hey! Is that his scarf? Angela: No! [Kelly chases Angela through parking lot] Angela: [out of breath and wet] Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not. He is a sophisticated man. He does not need to go dumpster-diving for companionship, okay? Michael: I don't understand that after fifteen years of service here, I have to get in the car and drive to New York in order to talk to you. That doesn't seem right to me. That doesn't seem fair. And I think that I've earned more than that. David: Yeah. You're right. Yes. I get it. I get it, Michael. Here's what I'm going to do-- Michael: Okay. David: We will move some money around, and I will personally see to it that you have your party, you have your figs. I will be in attendance. It's gonna be great. How's that? Michael: [gets up to shake David's hand] I quit. David: What? Michael: You have no idea how high I can fly.