Company Picnic
Written By: Ken Kwapis Directed By: Jennifer Celotta & Paul Lieberstein Transcribed By: Admin [Erin’s phone ring, she answers] Erin: [whispers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin… He’s not available right now… Uh-huh… Yes… Sure, I’ll give him the message when he gets up--gets back. Jim: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and--let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we’re all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5PM. Which, actually, should be in about… ten minutes. Jim: [whispers] Okay, I’m gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch? Pam: [whispers] I can do it. Dwight: [whispers] What do you need from me? Dwight: Normally I don’t condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don’t know. [laughs heartily] No, I’m kidding. He’s just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken. Michael: [mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office] [Dwight changes the clock in Michael’s car] Dwight: Like clockwork. Jim: [silently counting] Three, two, one… [Erin turns on the office lights] All: [laugh loudly] Michael: [wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What’s so funny? Pam: You had to be there. Michael: Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let’s all go home. Come on. See you all tamale. Michael: See you later! Dwight: Bye Michael! [all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire] Yeah! Jim: [at company picnic] All right, you ready for this? Pam: Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right? Jim: Yeah. Pam: Okay. Jim: Wait, should I have left the car running? [both laugh] Pam: Oh, don’t get us wrong, we like picnics. Jim: Come on, who doesn’t like a picnic? Pam: Tell them what happened last year. Jim: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt. Pam: No, no, that guy who hit on me. Jim: Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance. Pam: Yeah, you don’t grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance. Jim: Well… Dwight: I’m gonna say 30. Rolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF. Dwight: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent. Rolph: Woah. Homemade? Dwight: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh] Dwight: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks. Kevin: Michael, isn’t that Holly? Michael: We’re just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know. Holly: Oh no, I see they’re letting just anybody in here. Michael: Mmhmm. Yeah, that’s right. Holly: All right. Michael: All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey. Holly: Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend? Michael: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people. AJ: Hey Michael. Michael: Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So, would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless. Holly: Lemonade sounds great. Michael: Okay. AJ: I’d love an iced tea, actually. Michael: You can go to hell. [laughs] I’m kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world. Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I’m going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: “Holly, you and I are soup snakes.” The--and the reason is… because… in terms of the soup, we like to--that doesn’t make any sense. We’re soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates. Charles: Jim. Pam. Jim: Hey, how are you? Pam: Hey Charles. Charles: Nice day, huh? Jim: Yeah. Charles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away] Jim: I don’t get it. He’s not even my boss anymore. Pam: Do you want me to beat him up for you? Jim: No, I shouldn’t have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it. Dwight: Listen up everyone! I’ve gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim’s whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right? Jim: Well, I could’ve died, so… I looked it up online afterwards. Dwight: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row! Andy: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row? Dwight: Why? I don’t understand. Andy: If-- Dwight: Woah, woah, woah. W--w--wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it. Andy: Uh… [laughs sheepishly] Dwight: I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna do you one better. I’m gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team. Andy: That’s-- Dwight: Sly dog. Andy: Not what I meant. Dwight: Come on, folks! Michael: What is up with you two, Holly? Holly: Um, not much. AJ: We’re designing a house. Michael: Cool. For who? AJ: For us. Michael: Wow… I’m designing a chair. It’s part of your pants. You sit down, you’re supported. Holly: I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs] AJ: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I’m a size 34 waist. Michael: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse. Holly: Okay, yeah. AJ: You guys are really gonna do this? Michael: You bet your fat ass we are. Michael: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorised us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin. Holly: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again. Michael: That’s right. Holly: [in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it! Michael: Newspapers for sale! Andy: [playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I’m concerned you might be in danger. Man: These are expensive RayBans, jackass. Andy: Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You’re doing great, by the way. Erin: Thanks. Kevin: [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses] Dwight: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on! Andy: Are you blind?! Dwight: I could’ve gotten that, idiot! Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?! Dwight: It’s not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let’s focus! Come on, you’re better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?! Phyllis: We’ve been out here for a while. I don’t need this. Dwight: [grunts in frustration] Dwight: [playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game] Oh come--Ryan, come on, man! W--w--wait. Net. Net. Her hand’s on the net. Woman: So what? Dwight: Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin’? Hey, do you know if you’re right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone? Pam: Back off, Dwight. [serves] Hyuh! [the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers] Pam: What? Pam: Maybe I played a little in junior high… and in high school… maybe a little in college… and went to volleyball camp most summers. Pam: [serves] Hyuh! [other team misses and Scranton cheers] Pam: Well, look at that, we win! Jim: Nice job, Beesly. Dwight: Yes! We advance to the next round! Phyllis: Oh, Lord in heaven. Stanley: [to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs] Michael: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry. Holly: Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So, what do you have planned for us today? Hmm? Michael: [watching her eat] What? Holly: Do you have a script for the sketch, or… Michael: Um, no, I just thought we’d wing it. That cool? Holly: Crystal cool. Dwight: [playing volleyball] Hit it, Andy! Andy: Bump! I bumped it! Kevin: Set! Dwight: Don’t set it to yourself! Kevin: [Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers] Yeah! Phyllis: Ow, my ankle! Dwight: What happened? Phyllis: I… twisted it. Dwight: You weren’t even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub! Angela: I can play. Rolph: Is there a… Meredith here? Meredith: Yeah! Man in! Angela: Rolph, did you not hear me? Rolph: I don’t hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend’s heart. Let’s go! Michael: We could do a movie… sort of thing. Holly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future. Michael: Oh! Holly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time… fix their parents. [both laugh] Michael: Could we get a Delorean? Holly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorise the whole community. Michael: Oh! [to the theme of “Jaws”] Dun-der. Dun-der… Holly: Dun-der. Dun-der… Michael: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh] Holly: Oh… We haven’t found our great idea yet. Michael: No. No. Holly: Oh. Michael: We’re circling it. Holly: Hmm… David: [playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We’re still going to crush you though! Charles: Yes, we are! Rolph: You suckers are goin down! They’re gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces! Dwight: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait-- [shouts of disapproval] Rolph: It’s true! Toby: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall. Kendall: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious. Toby: Really, really funny. Kendall: Really funny. Dwight: Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. [they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug] Oscar: Settle down gentlemen. Pam: Good game! David: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song. Michael: [shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it’s a sketch now. David: Okay, introducing Scranton’s Michael Scott performing with Nashua’s Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause] Michael: And now, presenting… Both: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter] Michael: [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs] Holly: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire? Michael: Yes, I am. Holly: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A) On easy street, B) a tour of Dartmouth College, C) they never met, D) brushing their teeth? Michael: Ohh, I’m thinking… I’m going to say… B, tour of Dartmouth College. Holly: That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] Holly: How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael] Michael: [screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!! Holly: [now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you’ll get in? Michael: Yeah, I’m definitely getting in. I’m a shoo-in. Holly: I’m Robert Dunder. Michael: I’m Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience’s response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs] Holly: Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth! Michael: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I’ve ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head. Holly: That is correct! Michael: Yes! Stanley: I usually don’t enjoy the theater, but this is delightful. Holly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush! Michael: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer! Holly: That is correct! Man from Buffalo: [over crowd of murmurs] What is he talking about? Holly: [pantomimes biting off Michael’s fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?! Michael: David Wallace told me!! Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true? David: Uh, okay everyone, we’re at a picnic today… Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David? Holly: They didn’t know? Michael: [whispers] I guess not. David: I’m sorry, this certainly wasn’t the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch. Woman from Buffalo: And? David: We’re--we’re closing the Buffalo branch. Man from Buffalo: [over shouts of protest] You’ve got to be kidding me! You’ve got to be kidding me! We’re the best branch in the company! I can’t believe it. [Michael and Holly bow] David: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic? Michael: Well… I didn’t know they didn’t know. David: What about the fact that they’re here today? What about that? That didn’t throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, “oh, this would be really funny.” Michael: Thank you. David: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, “is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?” Michael: Well, he’s just thinking about his own gifts. Meredith: Maybe we shouldn’t play due to the circumstances. Dwight: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever. Pam: How do you figure? Dwight: Because if we don’t play, then the other team wins. Oscar: Dwight’s right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked. Pam: Let’s do this. Andy: [playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers] Charles: Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I’ve been up for a while. Kevin: It’s six to six. It’s a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin] Angela: Kevin! Now it’s seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you? Rolph: Here’s an accounting question for you: what does one fiancé plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore. Dwight: Okay, knock it off, Rolph. Rolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-- Dwight: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-- Rolph: No way! You don’t mean that! Dwight: Rolph, leave it alone! Erin: [hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah! Pam: [running for the ball] I got it! Dwight: Pam! Pam: [falls] Oof! Jim: You all right? Pam: Yep. No, no, no, I’m fine. Jim: You sure? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Hey, easy, easy… Charles: Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at. Pam: No, no, it’s fine. Just gimme a second. Charles: I don’t know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David? David: Yeah. Jim: All right, you know what? You’re just trying to get rid of our best player. Charles: Oh, Jim, you’re putting a volleyball game in front of your fiancé’s health. Jim: No, uh-- Pam: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let’s go, it’s our ball. Let’s go! Charles: Yeah, I don’t think we can let you play with that foot. Dwight: [whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometres south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I’ll stall 'em. Charles: I guess that’s it for you, Jim. Jim: All right, you know what? [picks Pam up and carries her off the court] Let’s do this. Pam: We’ll be back! Dwight: Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! [kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly] Dwight: I’ll get it. [walks slowly toward the woods] Michael: Probably shouldn’t have mentioned Buffalo. Holly: Hindsight. Michael: Should’ve had hindsight. Holly: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing? Michael: I think it went well. I think it was good. Holly: There weren’t any laughs. Michael: No, it was a tough audience. Holly: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience. Michael: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them. Holly: Well, I’m glad we did it. Michael: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year’s sketch. Holly: I can’t wait. Jim: [on the phone] Yeah, she’s with the nurse right now, so you’ll have to stall a little longer… No, don’t send in the subs yet… Dwight, I don’t know. Think of something! Nurse: To be safe, we should do an x-ray. Pam: How long will that take? Nurse: Oh, shouldn’t be too bad, it’s a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you’re pregnant… Pam: I’m sorry, can we just hurry this up? I’ve got a game to get back to. Nurse: Oh good, because my next question was “do you have a game to get back to.” Holly: What’d you think? AJ: I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but… Michael: Well you guys should hit the road before… I close down another branch. Holly: [laughs] Okay. So good to see you. Michael: Good to see you. [they hug] AJ. AJ: Michael. [they shake hands] Michael: I didn’t find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and… Maybe one year she’ll be with somebody, and the next year, I’ll be with somebody, and it’s gonna take a long time… And then it’s perfect. I’m in no rush. David: Dwight, come on now, it’s time to put in the subs. Charles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won’t make it back. Okay? Dwight: Okay. Fine. Charles: All right! Come on. Dwight: Except, you know what? It’s not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four? Andy: Dwight. Dwight: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six? David: Dwight. Dwight: Seven? Can I finish please? David: Okay. Dwight: Eight? Jim: [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we’re so close! Just buy us a few more minutes… Well, they just called me in for an update, so I’ll call you right back… Okay… Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Jim: Hey, Dwight, uh… send in the subs! [laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam]