Koi Pond
Written By: Warren Lieberstein & Halsted Sullivan Directed By: Reggie Hudlin Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community. Kids: YAY! Michael: Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Don’t worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha… [bumps into something] Ha ha ha. Jim: We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because, as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company. Michael: I am going to scare these kids so bad. Darryl: This is the spookiest warehouse in the world, kids. You don’t believe me? Just take a look. [Kevin chops into Erin, who is dressed as Princess Fiona] Oh. Scary, huh? This is a surgery with an octopus and a burn victim. Angela: Black widow. Kelly: Lulu from The Fifth Element. Darryl: Nobody told me what people were, alright? So… label yourselves or take what you get. Creed: I want to sell your blood! Ryan: That’s really not the trend in vampires right now. Darryl: Here is an old man and a goth dude… and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell. Meredith: I’m a hobo. Darryl: I asked for a list. [Dwight rides in on a tricycle, laughing diabolically] …and a clown. Dwight: I’m Jigsaw, idiot. Darryl: You’re not as scary as Book Face, over there. Jim: Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face. Darryl: Okay, kids. You’ve all been so good and unbelievably patient so I think you are gonna get some candy! Kids: Yeah! [a chair falls over, Michael is seen hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck – the kids scream] Michael: Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright? Michael: Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message? Michael: It is the easy way out. You are not alone. Darryl: What the hell is wrong with you? Michael: Who wants candy? Michael: …and then I think I’m going to go to the Garlic Festival. Jim: Wow. Michael: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it. Jim: I bet we would. Michael: They have a TCBY booth. Jim: Cool. Michael: The same stuff you get downtown. Jim: Mm-hmm. Michael: Do you like TCBY? Jim: Who doesn’t? Michael: I can’t believe it’s--I can’t believe it’s yogurt. Uh… it’ll be fun. Erin: I confirmed with Raskin Design and they’re expecting the both of you in an hour. Jim: Oh. Actually, it’s just gonna be me. Erin: They said the both of you. Jim: That is a mistake. Michael: You should give them a call. Check that out. Jim: Alright. Let’s clear this up. [on phone] Well, there’s actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can--no. Nope. Why would that be a problem? Michael: Jim’s a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh… why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional? Jim: Great. See ya then. Michael: Wha--what? Jim: They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along. Michael: Why don’t they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don’t understand. Jim: I absolutely don’t understand, either. Michael: I don’t want you to feel like I’m baby-sitting you, or something. Alright. Jim: Alright. Michael: Let me get your stroller. Jim: Sure. Michael’s a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That’s what a teacher is, right? Michael: What are you gonna call him? Jim: Dave. Michael: No. What is his name? Jim: Dave. Michael: Mr. Bourchard. They’re very formal. Jim: Yeah. I’ve spoken to them on the phone. Michael: Yeah, well… this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing? Jim: Yes, it is. Michael: …and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that. Jim: No thanks. Michael: They are into style. Jim: Mm-hmm. Michael: They are into appearance. We are selling success. Jim: …and paper. Michael: That’s sorta secondary. [offers Jim the watch again] Jim: Nope. No. Jim: He’s trying to micro-co-manage me… or co-micro… manage… me. Pam: Here we are outside-- Andy: WB! Pam: The Wilkes-Barre Industrial Park. Andy: Industrial P.! Makin’ cold calls. Pam: The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them. Andy: [singing] Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202. Pam: Here it is. [Andy is still singing] Suite 401. Andy: Yeah. I was gonna sing that part. Pam: I know. Now you don’t have to. Andy: Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mm! I hate this feeling. [sings] Suite 401. Michael: Alright. Hi. Any messages? Erin: You’re soaking wet. Michael: Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning. Phyllis: Wow. Sounds scary. Michael: It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn’t. Angela: Why isn’t Jim wet? Jim: I outran it. Meredith: I don’t think it rained. My hip would be throbbing. Michael: It rained. Dwight: Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa? Michael: Nothing. Cocoa. Jim: I’ll just leave that suit in your office then. Michael: Good. Yep. Secretary: Must be nice to have company on these cold calls. Andy: We’re kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. [points to Pam’s tummy] Secretary: How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet? Pam: [Andy shakes his head ‘no’] Oh. No, no. [laughing] We’re not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together. Andy: [miffed] Looks like somebody’s got a case of the definitelies. Erin: [Michael is walking around in one of Jim’s suits] Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi Pond. Michael: Okay. Thank you. Stanley: Did you say, ‘Koi pond’? Michael: [phone rings] Yeah? Erin: Michael, people are asking questions. Michael: Okay. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what’s going on? Phyllis: Michael, did you fall into a Koi Pond? Michael: Uh… I can’t really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection. Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi Pond? Jim: Mm… it’s like Michael said. It was some--something else. Michael: It was--Okay. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing. Angela: So, you fell in? Michael: No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in. Angela: So, a child had fallen in? Michael: Not yet! Kevin: That is hilarious. [extends hand for a fist bump] Michael: No, it is--don’t! I’m not gonna bump. I’m not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. [Stanley laughs] Jim: Truthfully, it wasn’t the way he fell in. It was… how long it took him to get out. Pam: And we’d like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area. Customer: Well, that sounds like a really nice deal. Andy: Sha-bow. Customer: And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too. Andy: Oh, wow. You thought that--oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not. Customer: My mistake. Sorry. Pam: It’s okay. Andy: Nuh. Actually, it’s kinda not okay. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh… a nine. Customer: That--that’s good for you. Pam: Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes. Andy: Pam’s carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn’t matter what Pam looks like. Pam: Yeah. Pam: You were way meaner to me than I was to you. Andy: No, I wasn’t. Okay. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich. Pam: You blew the sale, you idiot. Andy: Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale. Michael: Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together? Erin: Staples? [Kevin clears his throat] Uh, David Wallace called. Michael: Oh. He did? What did he say? Erin: He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn’t mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it. Michael: Okay. Kevin: [whispers to Erin] I’m gonna kill you. Stanley: Michael, don’t listen to them. Michael: Thank you, Stanley. Stanley: You just ignore their carp. Michael: Okay. Dwight: Michael? Michael: Yes. Dwight: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They’re mocking you with wordplay. Creed: Hey, boss, did you find Nemo? Michael: I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story. Oscar: Don’t you mean ‘Koi Story’? Phyllis: And when you fell in, did you flounder? Dwight: Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and – Michael: I know what a flounder is. Michael: I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he’d have to put on my suit and it’d be too short and he’d look… Damn it! He’d still look good. Michael: The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands, who has been ‘Koi-ponded’? Who here’s been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis? Phyllis: Michael, you make fun of us every day. Michael: Uh… Kevin: Yeah. Every single day. Michael: You never said anything. Meredith: Uh, we have. Countless times. Michael: Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, ‘Stop because I want you to stop’ or STOP as in ‘Stop. You’re making me laugh so hard. What you’re doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!’ Angela: That’s never the case. Michael: We are going to make a ‘Do Not Mock’ list. Okay? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I’m gonna kick it off. Let’s see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes ‘Koi Pond’ on the list] Okay. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Okay. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on. Dwight: I don’t want people making fun of my nose. Michael: Your nose? Dwight: It’s too small. Michael: Alright. Oscar: Oh my. That is small. Dwight: Just, write it down, please. Oscar: Can you breathe okay? Kelly: What keeps your glasses on? Dwight: Hey! It’s on the list, everybody. Michael: No. I haven’t finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That’s it. No more. Okay. Who else? Who else? Everybody’s getting their chance. Kevin: I don’t want people making fun of my weight. Michael: Okay. That’s too broad. It’s gotta be something else. How ’bout your stomach? Yeah? [writes Huge Gut] Meredith? Meredith: I don’t want to say it out loud. Michael: Okay. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don’t sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away. Meredith: I really didn’t want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so… what are you gonna do? [she writes ‘sex with a terrorist’] Michael: Okay. Andy: That is our sales pitch and we are stickin’ to it. Keena Gifford: Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple. Andy: Well-- Pam: Oh-- [both look at each other and together say] Thank you. Keena Gifford: Some couples don’t seem like a good match. You two do. Pam: Well, you know. Andy: Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-- Pam: He loves to eat. Andy: I love to dance-- Pam: I love to watch him dance. Andy: Right. Sometimes I’ll just dance for hours in the living room-- Pam: And I’ll just watch him. Keena Gifford: And a baby on the way? You must be so excited. Pam: Yes. Andy: Yeah. We are thrilled. Pam: Mmm-hmm. Andy: In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn’t that fun, honey? Pam: It was, sweetie. Keena Gifford: Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet. Andy: Yeah. On Clearview Avenue. Keena Gifford: Yeah! Andy: Yeah. Angela: This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel. Phyllis: So now you’re comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal? Erin: Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently, a Koi has died. [everyone shows remorse] Michael: It’s a fish. Erin: They want you to pay for it. Michael: It could’ve died of natural causes. So… Erin: Well, they said you stepped on its head. He did not suffer. Oscar: When is the funeral? Michael: Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want? Erin: $300. Michael: What? No. I could get a fish for a five-cent worm. Creed: Oh, you’re payin’ way too much for your worms, man. Who’s your worm guy? Jim: Okay. Great meeting, everybody. That’s it. Michael: No, no. Dwight: Thank you. [everyone begins to leave] Michael: No. We are not done here. This-- Andy: One of the baby books suggest the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly what the little soybean wants. Right? Hey, little soybean. What do you want? Right. How do--It--I felt it kick! Keena Gifford: That’s great! Andy: Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me. Pam: Yeah, well, that’ll happen. Andy: Oh, my gosh. It’s like he’s trying to say, ‘I love you, too, Daddy’. I love you, too. [leans over and kisses Pam’s belly] Pam: Sometimes we’re so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting. Andy: Message received, little soybean. Jim: I think you just gotta ride this one out, man. Michael: No, Jim. You don’t understand. Things like this don’t just die. Kids in high school still call me ‘Ponytail’. Jim: No, they don’t. Michael: Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail. Jim: Maybe if you make fun of yourself, it’ll all go away. Michael: I want to make fun of you right now. Jim: Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball. Michael: No. Don’t do that. You’re not. You’re not stupid. Jim: See? Michael: Oh, my God. Michael: Hey. I--I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi Pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? [everyone starts laughing] Michael: Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to. Phyllis: Michael. You know, when you think about it, it’s not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi Pond in a lobby? Michael: Well, you know what? You’re right, Phyllis, but I’ve been there before. I’ve seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That’s the problem. Dwight: Michael, please. Stop it now. You’re embarrassing yourself. Michael: It’s okay. We’re having fun. It’s not actually the first time I’ve been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girl’s volleyball team always used to throw me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh… it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. [Michael begins to lose his cool] Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted one of those packages where you have, you know, the friends--the five--the friends and family thing and the guys was like, ‘Who are your 5 friends?’ and I’m, like, ‘Uh… ‘I didn’t even know I couldn’t even think. [realizing he’s going downhill] Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was--oh. I don’t even have Jan’s cell phone number and I hate her! She won’t give it to me. I was like, ‘Oh, I guess I’m a loser. ‘A luh-whooooo a za her’. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice. Kevin: [watching Angela eat something] Enjoying your nut? Oscar: Kevin. Angela: Why? Kevin: I’m not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut. Angela: I was. Michael: Hey. Who wants to watch Michael’s Pond dive? My roommate’s friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he’s bringing it over. Jim: Mm… I’m, know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you’re gonna have to stay late for more sensitity training, so… Kevin: We’ll stay late. Andy: Well, that went pretty well. Pam: Yeah, I guess. Andy: We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I’d say we nailed it. Pam: If I’m being completely honest, I could’ve done without the belly kiss. Andy: You know what? I’m sorry. ‘Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much. Pam: Yeah. Way too much. Andy: Yeah. Pam: I mean, what the hell was that? Andy: What the heck was that? Pam: When you cried? Andy: Agh--try almost cried, okay? I just got caught up in the fantasy. Pam: You’re fantasy involves comparison shopping birthing classes? Andy: No. I know I’m gonna go with Miss Janet. I just--I don’t know. It was fun to role play, right? Pam: Hmm. Andy: I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I’m so sick of being single. Pam: Well, are you dating anyone? Andy: What do you think of Erin? I mean--she’s--I--She’s kinda cool. Pam: Ah. Andy: You think I can do better? Pam: Ah. Andy: Gotta get my goin’ out on. Meredith: Hey, let’s watch this thing. Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Yeah. We’re not watchin’ this. Oscar: How can we not watch this? Jim: What happened to ‘Do Not Mock’? Phyllis: We’re not mocking, we’re watching. Jim: That will inevitably lead to mocking. So… Phyllis: Well, we’ll deal with it as it comes. Michael: Is this the tape of me falling? Phyllis: Yes. Put the DVD in. Kevin: Open QuickTime. Oscar: It starts on its own. Let it – Kevin: No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I’ve done this. Jim: Guys. Michael can’t handle this and as your boss I’m saying we’re not watching it. Michael: No. It’s okay. Watch it. He can’t fire all of you. Jim: What are you doing? Michael: It’s alright. I can handle it. Jim: No. Michael: I am a grown-up, Jim. Meredith: Shh. It’s on. Kevin: Here they come. [everyone reacts to seeing Michael fall in] Boom! Oscar: Oh. Did – did you see that? Jim: See what? Angela: Why’d you stop it? Jim: Oscar, yes. You’re right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it. Oscar: Jim, you let Michael fall in. Dwight: Play it again. [everyone has the same reaction as before] He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in. Jim: Oh… man. I think when I started to see you go in I think I just froze. Michael: I don’t think you froze. Jim: It’s a killer new dance move. [re-enacts leaning back] Do you wanna talk in your office? Angela: No. Jim: I didn’t ask you. [back to Michael] Would you like to talk? [walks away] Dwight: Judas. Dwight: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But… because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-- Jim: I should’ve grabbed you. I’m sorry. Look, I thought I could’ve done today’s sales call alone. I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job. Michael: Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me. Meredith: [as Jim enters the kitchen] Hey, what’s up lifeguard? Oscar: Jim, I think I’m in your way. [leans back – they both exit] Michael: Oscar’s a douche. Jim: [laughing] He’s alright. Michael: No. He’s a--yeah, he’s alright. Okay. [holds door open as they exit] Jim: Thanks Michael. Michael: You’re welcome. Whoa! [leans back] Almost fell. [they both laugh] Pam: Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me? Erin: Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don’t accidentally read them. Pam: Okay. Erin: Thanks. Pam: Mm-hmm. Erin: How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales? Pam: No. It was a total waste of time. Um… it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He’s really cool. Erin: Yeah, he is! Pam: Yeah, he is. Erin: He’s, like, the coolest person I’ve ever met. Pam: That’s… right. He’s like Marlon Brando. Erin: Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? ‘Cause he is. Pam: I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah.