The Lover
Written By: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Lee Eisenberg Transcribed By: Admin Erin: They’re back! Kevin: Oooh yeah… [people chuckle] Kevin: Jim and Pam! Kelly: How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic? Jim: It was. Pam: It really was. Jim: Really was. Kelly: [voice cracks] I’m so happy for you… Jim: Puerto Rico was awesome. Pam: Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot. Jim: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans. [laughs] Always makes her laugh. Pam: [goofy voice] Frank and beans! Michael: Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there? Dwight: Yeah! Michael: Is someone there? I can’t see you because I’m blind. Dwight: Its Jim and Pam, Michael. Michael: [gasps] It is? Dwight: Yeah… Michael: They’re back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! [reaching out with hands at chest level] Jim: Nope. Michael: And oh, Jim… Pam: Hi, Michael. Michael: Oh, I haven’t seen you since my accident that I had when I fell--I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy. Michael: Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I’ve been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improv class absolutely hate him. [groans] Meredith: So, what’d you bring us? Pam: Some candy. Meredith: What else? Pam: That’s it. Meredith: Oh, ’cause you spent so much on the wedding. Michael: [behind Pam, acting out blind-guy, groaning] Pam: It’s good to be home. Dwight: This conversation has two items on the agenda. Jim: Do we have a conversation scheduled? Dwight: Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It’s not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don’t care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two… I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I’d just like to say… [high voice, holding up wooden mallard] con-quack-ulations! Jim: Wow, that’s… really thoughtful of you, Dwight, thank you. Dwight: [duck voice] You’re welcome! [quacks, laughs] Dwight: I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course, in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing. Dwight: I’m sorry to have been bugging you all these years. Jim: It’s a real handsome duck. Dwight: Mallard. Okay, I’ll get out of your hair. Pam: Hey! Erin: Hi! Pam: Uh, we brought back some Puerto Rican candy. Erin: Coco Leche! That’s my favorite! Pam: Awesome! I’ll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it. Erin: Oh, um, let me just check with Michael first. Pam: [laughs] I think it’ll be okay. Erin: [laughs] I think it will too, but I’ll just check with him, though. Pam: Great. Erin: Oops, sorry. [slides candy back to Pam] Oops. Michael: I have recently taken a lover. Jim: Well, that’s great. Congratulations. Who’s the lucky lady? Michael: Pam’s mom. Jim: What? Michael: Pam’s mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding? Jim: You’re messing with me. Michael: About what? Jim: You did not have sex with Pam’s mom. Michael: Oh, big time. Jim: What kind of car does she drive? Michael: She drives a green Camry. Jim: [expletive] Michael: And the seats go all the way down. All the way down. Jim: Oh my God. [Michael bangs the table] Oh my God. Michael: [laughs] What? Jim: Okay, never tell Pam, and secondly-- Michael: Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright? Jim: Oh my God. Toby: [walks in] Hey, Jim. Jim: Not now, Toby, my God! Toby: Oh, Jesus! Michael: Get the hell out of here, idiot. Toby: What did I do? Jim: Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again. Michael: I think you’re underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy. Jim: No, not more than anything. Michael: Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-- Jim: Don’t call her “the mom.” Michael: She’s right on my way home from work. Jim: Then take a different way home, man! Michael: I di--alright, I’ll take surface streets, its--the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam. Jim: Okay, so we’re good. Michael: Yeah. Michael: Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two? Erin: Sure. Oh, is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico? Michael: Sure. Thanks for asking. Erin: Pam, we’re all set. [Pam places candy on Erin’s desk] Yum. Jim: Frank and beans! Pam: Frank and beans! [both laugh] So what’d we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock? Jim: You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide? Pam: Bottle of rum it is. [takes package out of bag] Alright, shall we? Jim: You know what, I am really slammed, trying to catch up on everything here and I know that Michael’s slammed too. So, maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy. Pam: Come on, it’ll take two seconds. Jim: No, it-- [high-pitched feedback as Jim starts to leave, feedback changes as he moves, turns over the mallard to see the listening devices, sighs, places mallard back on the desk] Michael: [unwraps rum gift] Oh, wow. Pam: [giggles] Michael: That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican. Erin: Michael, you’re all set at Botticelli’s. I changed the reservation to two people. Michael: Erin, look. [holds up parrot rum bottle] Erin: Fun! Michael: Yeah. Pam: Wow, Botticelli’s, that sounds like a special occasion. Michael: Yeah, no, it’s nobody. Pam: [laughs] I don’t know. I think Michael has a date. Michael: [chuckles] Hmm… no. Pam: [laughs] I think you have a date. Michael: I don’t. Pam: Come on. Jim: Uh, I think we should just drop it… ’cause obviously he doesn’t want to talk about it. Michael: [sighs] I don’t deserve this, guys. Jim: Yes, you do. Michael: No, I don’t. Jim: Just take the parrot. Michael: [long exhale] Jim: Okay, back to the old grind. Michael: I was probably going to break up with her anyway. Pam: Oh, that’s too bad. Jim: Don’t-- Michael: Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here. Jim: Sounds complicated. Michael: It is. Pam: Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes. Michael: You want me to be happy? Pam: Of course. Michael: Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine. Pam: Oh. Michael: More than a friend, a co-worker. Pam: Oh! Gossip, who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? …Who? Michael: It’s okay. Pam: No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo! Michael: That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset. Pam: [screams out in the parking lot, Michael watches from his office window] Dwight: [to Michael] You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills? Michael: Okay. Dwight: There’s an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down… Michael: [sighs] Feels good. Dwight: There’s a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down… Michael: I’m sleeping with Pam’s mom. Sometimes, dinner. Dwight: …the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down… You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine. Pam: [outside, on cell phone] How could you do this to me? He’s my boss! How many times have I complained about him to you? No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy! Jim: [singsong voice] Who wants a hot chocolate? Pam: Thank you. Jim: [sighs] Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I played it just right, I can get Dwight to play out the plot of National Treasure. Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She’s your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott. Jim: Andy, can I talk to you for a second? Andy: Sure thing, Tuna Boss. Jim: [holding up a sign that reads, “Dwight picked the wrong day to put a wooden mallard in my office”] Andy: [in Jim’s office] How may I be of service to you? Jim: I am gonna need your advice [starts playing loud opera music, everyone can hear it, Creed starts crying] I was thinking about getting this opera for Dwight’s birthday, what do you think? Andy: [both look at Dwight, Jim waves] This aurea is a joke. Jim: Really? Andy: What are you thinking? Jim: I was gonna go with this one. Andy: [both look at Dwight who is standing right outside the office] Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better. Dwight: [Andy gets up and leaves the office] The Nard Dog… what was that all about? Andy: I know, right? Dwight: What were you talking about in there? Andy: Trust me it would only make you mad. [opera continues, Dwight looks at Jim standing outside his office, waves, Jim waves back] Michael: [in the conference room leading a meeting] Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities. Andy: Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill? Michael: That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So, if there is a lesson to be learned here and I’m not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people’s needs ahead of our own. Pam: Haha! Ha ha ha. Jim: And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice. [everyone claps and makes comments] Michael: Who wants to help the world one step at a time? [Dwight raises his hand] Alright, good. Dwight: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself. Michael: Alright, that’s… Meredith: Paint a mural of Chicano leaders. Michael: Alright… Pam: I have a way to make Scranton a better place, you could leave it. [laughter] Michael: Okay, I’m out of here, [pretends to leave] see you later guys… Various: Get out and stay out, bye… Michael: Ok, oh no here’s an idea… conservation… Pam: I love it, conservation. Let’s start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. [stands up and cheers] No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! [Stanley cheers her on in the background] Michael: Anybody else? Who else has an idea? Angela: I have some ideas about conservation… Jim: Yes! Angela! Please… Michael: [Michael leaves to answer his phone] Can you hold down the fort? [on phone] Hey boo! Angela: Thank you. Sure, well first of all I think that we could totally… Michael: [on phone] What’s it… why are you crying? Jim: Yes! I think we should look into that. If you could just speak up louder… Kevin: [to Angela] Shhhh… Angela: Well, for our profit… Kevin: [to Angela] Shhh… Michael: [on phone] No, no, no, I’ll talk to her. I will… No… nobody talks to my baby that way… uh ah… yeah, I’ll let you know how it goes. Alright, by pickle. Kevin: Who’s pickle? Michael: [hangs up phone and walks back into conference room] Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologise to your mother right now. Angela: I’m sorry, I was told I had the floor. Jim: Yes. Oscar: Hold on, hold on, what’s going on? Jim: Nothing… nothing at all… it’s all good! Pam: I’m not apologising to anyone. Michael owes me an apology. Michael: For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover? Pam: Don’t call my mother your lover. Kevin: Yes! That’s what I’m talking about. Andy: That is not okay dude. Michael: Alright, in my defence… Phyllis: Disgusting… Creed: She’s messed up man… Pam: Yes! Thank you, welcome to my personal hell! Oscar: You have no sense of boundaries Michael. Michael: Shut up Oscar. Hey, alright, you know what, clearly, I’m outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please? What is so wrong about me? I’m caring, I’m generous, I’m sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness. Phyllis: Good luck Michael, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Oscar: Maybe you’re right, who are we to… Pam: Shut up Oscar. What is wrong with all of you, he is sleeping with my mother! Dwight: I don’t think there’s a whole lot of sleeping going on. Michael: Let’s get back to the matter at hand. Pam: Whatever, you know, sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody’s mom… Michael: No, no, no… no, no… Ryan: Whoa, that’s my mother you’re talking about… Michael: I don’t like the tone here… this is a place of business, you are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it. Pam: Uhh, huh, ho… oooh my God, you are ridiculous! Michael: Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out. Pam: You are never going to be my father, you get out! Michael: I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am… Pam: Me too… Pam: Hey. [walks up to Oscar and hands him a report to sign] Oscar: Hey. Angela: [in a sing-songy voice] Pam, how’s your day going? Oscar: Pam, just for the record, I think you’re overreacting a little bit, your mom’s old enough to make her own decisions. Pam: Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom? Oscar: My mother’s in a wheelchair. Pam: Well, he could still… I’m sorry about that… Oh could I just get you to sign this second page. Kelly: [Dwight listening in his earpiece] Ryan, I have to ask you a personal question. Do you think that I should get a Fedora? Ryan: Ahh, I don’t think so, no… Kelly: Well, I think I’d look really hot in one. Where’d you get your fedora? Ryan: I’d rather not say. Kelly: I think I’m gonna get the same fedora as you. Erin: Hi Dwight! Dwight: [Dwight storms through the break room listening to Kelly and Ryan in his earpiece] Shh! Ryan: [Ryan and Kelly talking] …it should go with the persona you already have. Kelly: Well, I think I have that persona. Dwight: Where did you get that mallard? Kelly: What the hell is a mallard? Dwight: That! Kelly: Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me. Dwight: Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I’m taking that back. Kelly: If you take it back, I’ll scream. Dwight: [sighs heavily] I’ll give you five bucks for it. Ryan: Twenty. Dwight: Ten. Ryan: Deal. [pays Ryan and takes the mallard back] Kelly: [to Ryan] You’re so cool. Ryan: This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas. Michael: [walks into Toby’s office] Hey Toby, could I talk to you for a minute? Toby: Yeah, sure, what’s up? Michael: Um, I just wanted to apologise for taking that tone with you earlier that was… uncalled for, I’m sorry. Toby: Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot. Thank you for saying it. Michael: Can I sit down for a second? Toby: Yeah, er… pull up a chair or sit on the shredder. Michael: This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation. Toby: Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the workplace. Michael: She brought it into the workplace so I feel like it has to be dealt with here. Toby: Ok, I mean, I could talk to her. Michael: Really? Would you do that? Toby: Yeah… that’s why they pay me the big bucks. [both laugh] Michael: [hugs Toby, who smiles big] You’re a good, good guy. Toby: I’m good… Toby: You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we’d become friends. Toby: [walks up to Pam’s desk with a binder] Hey Pam, could I talk to you for a sec? Pam: Sure, what’s up? Toby: Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that’s happened today, it would be a good idea if today, you, me, and Michael could head into the conference room for some conflict resolution. Pam: [to Michael] What’s the matter, you can’t fight your own battles? Michael: No… that’s… Toby: Maybe you could just take the rest of the day off… you know… Pam: [to Michael] Oh, would that make you feel better? Michael: I don’t… um… I can’t hear your conversation. Pam: You can tell Michael that I’m not leaving. Toby: [gets up and puts a hand on Michael’s shoulder] Buddy, I think that… Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah--okay… you’re a jackass. [to Pam] Hey, hey, you know what? You’re just as stubborn as your mother, when you don’t wanna do something you just don’t do it. Stanley: Heh, heh, heh. Pam: Michael, you’re just her rebound! Michael: You were right Jim, shoulda listened to you, should never have told her. Pam: [to Jim] What! You knew? Jim: Barely, I… I don’t have all the facts. Frank and Bean… Michael: [Pam storms into break room] Okay, do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we’re gonna get past this? Cause, I will. Pam: Mmmmm, yes! Michael: Well, that is not gonna happen! Pam: Then why’d you even offer!? Michael: Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy. Pam: Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh[beep] about your happiness! Stop dating my mother! Michael: You know what? I’m gonna start dating her even harder. Pam: What’s that supposed to mean? Michael: You know what it means. Jim: [Pam storms out of the break room] Hey… Pam: Shut it! Jim: Yep… Michael: I don’t need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam’s mom, my aunt… although she just blocked me on IM, what’s her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week. Jim: [walks into his office and sees the mallard back on his desk] Dwight, you brought the mallard back. Dwight: Well, I had to, I mean… Kelly was not even… Jim: [speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight] Hi buddy. Dwight: [walks into Jim’s office and takes out earpiece] I’m sorry. Jim: A wooden duck? Dwight: Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me. Jim: Okay, just to be clear, you’re terrible at this and you are not equipped for espionage… Dwight: Oh, I’m equipped… I can… Jim: Silence. Dwight: Don’t tell Michael… Jim: I won’t. But you will wash and buff our car. Dwight: Punishment fits the crime, I accept. [shakes Jim’s hand and leaves] Michael: [leaving his office with his rum] Night everyone. Night Pam, thanks again for the rum. Erin: Night Michael. Michael: Night Erin. Jim: [in the conference room] Hey Pam, can I see you for a second? So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So, he generously offered to wash our car. Pam: [looking out the window at Dwight washing the car] Awww, he did that for me? Jim: Yes, he did. You know what was nice, nights swimming in Bayou Bay. Pam: Mmmm. [Michael is seen debating on whether to come back into the office] Jim: Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam? Pam: Haha, yeah. Say more nice things. Jim: Well, we went on a Segway tour and we’re awesome at it and Frank and Beans! Pam: Maybe I’m overreacting. Jim: Yeah… maybe. Pam: But I don’t think I am. Jim: You’re not, nope. Nope. Kevin: [Ryan is walking out of the office ahead of him] Oh… where’d you get that hat? Ryan: I’d rather not say. [Dwight walks into Jim's office, twists the top of the pen that he placed in Jim’s pen holder which has a bug in it, pushes play] Dwight: [Jim’s voice] “We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our…” [pauses recording] I’ve got eight hours of this. Of course, I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I’m not insane. [starts the recording again] “… sixty-five-pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer.”