Niagara (Part 1)
Written By: Greg Daniels & Mindy Kaling Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Pam: I’m sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach’s a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn’t mind wearing a little less perfume… and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room? Jim: We would really appreciate it. Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the foetus doesn’t like she is screwed. It’s amazing. A three-ounce foetus is calling the shots. It’s so bad ass. Pam: Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy. Phyllis: Now this is getting ridiculous. Dwight: Oh, gee, I’m sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk. Meredith: All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I’m not stopping for anyone. Pam: I don’t think I’m asking for too much. I guess it’s just the end of courtesy in the workplace. [Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk, sniffs it and takes a bite; Pam stares at him, picks up her trash can and pukes into it] Andy: Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And… frankly so does talking about it. So… wow… [Andy, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Oscar and Angela all proceed to throw up in various places while Creed looks on eating a bowl of noodles, Dwight stares shocked, Pam wipes her mouth with a satisfied look] Michael: [standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding] What do you think? I spent all morning on it. Jim: It is really special. Pam: Yeah, but aren’t you supposed to do that to our… no. It’s great. Michael: It’s just a really important day for me. Jim: Well, congrats. Michael: Thanks. Erin: Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day. Jim: Believe it or not, Kevin, firecrackers are in the don’t column. Kevin: So… you’re going to provide them, then? Jim: No. This is a firecracker free wedding. Kevin: What the hell? Dwight: Come on. You’ve got to be kidding me. Pam: Okay. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding. Jim: Absolutely. ‘Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended. Angela: Decent people everywhere will get offended. Pam: Well, we’re thinking of my grandmother who we haven’t told and is very old-fashioned. Angela: Well, you’re lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers. Jim: That’s nice. Pam: You know, Angela, you don’t have to come to the wedding. Angela: Really, Pam… Michael: Yes, she does. Yes, she does. We’re all gonna go and we’re gonna have a good time. [hugs Angela] Angela: Ow! He pinched me! Michael: No. Pam: Next time we’re all in this room Jim and I will be married. Dwight: We’ll see. Pam: Thank you, Dwight. Jim: Goodbye. Pam: See you later. [others say goodbye] Michael: And, hey, don’t embarrass me when we go to Niagara. Andy: What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter] Michael: Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. You stole my joke. Don’t steal my joke. Andy: No… I didn’t steal your joke. Michael: Yes. I said that yesterday. Dwight: But you can say that about anything. Michael: Dwight… Dwight: What happens in accounting, stays in accounting. Kevin: Oh yeah. Michael: No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that’s my joke. Dwight: It’s easy. That’s what I’m saying. Michael: This is what I’m talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls, we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So… I will see you up there in Viagra Falls! Michael: Pam and Jim’s wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe. Dwight: I stole the guest list from Jim’s desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family. Michael: Get out of here. Dwight: Yes. Michael: Oh, my God, Dwight. Dwight: For instance, Pam’s cousin, Jocelyn Webster. Michael: There’s… a name. Dwight: Two years ago, she was selling a mountain bike. Michael: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn. Dwight: Well… she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately. Michael: Okay. Dwight: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike. Michael: Is that all you have on her? Dwight: Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name. Michael: You’re an idiot. Kevin: People don’t think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office… but I’m going to turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn] Kevin: It’s the hair-- [Angela beeps again] Kevin: Okay. Okay. I’m going. [long beep] God. Andy: [in Andy’s car, Andy driving] Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It’s like a five-hour drive-ish, you know. Kelly: This is so much cooler. We feel like we’re in a limo and you’re our driver. Andy: Mm-hmm. Erin? Erin: Oh no. That wouldn’t be fair to leave Kelly alone in back. Andy: Not only is Erin really sweet and cute… she smells like my mom. Pam: [in car] Hey, my aunt told me something neat. Jim: Yeah? Pam: She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points. Jim: Oh, wow. That’s cool. Pam: Yeah. Jim: [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that’s in my brain forever. Pam: Oh. Jim: Lousy Picture. Pam: We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures. Michael: [in car, Michael driving] Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep. Dwight: What? No way! Michael: Those glasses are super dark. Dwight: Oh. God. Michael: Alright. We need some tunes, I think. Dwight: You know what? I made you a CD… Michael: You did? Dwight: Mm-hmm. Michael: That was nice of you. Dwight: This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room. Michael: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in. Dwight: You’re gonna like this. [Dwight’s voice on the CD] “Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. ‘What’s next?’, you’re probably wondering. Don’t be scared of your night in heaven--” [Michael turns off CD] Michael: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room? Dwight: Yeah. It’s practical. Michael: No. No. That’s not how it works. Jim: Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It’s really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun. Front Desk Clerk: Halpert… Jim: And Beesly. Tonight, we’re in two separate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite. Front Desk Clerk: Great. Jim: I know. We’re pretty excited, too. Pam: Can we take a look at the suite now? Front Desk Clerk: Oh, I’m sorry. Somebody just checked in. Pam: Oh… is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend? Front Desk Clerk: Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there. Andy: Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. I’ll break in the bed. [laughs] Jim: I don’t like that. Pam: I’m gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please. Michael: Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott. Front Desk Clerk: One moment while I check. Dwight: The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement. Michael: Mm-hmm. Front Desk Clerk: I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation? Michael: I don’t have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms. Front Desk Clerk: Oh, okay. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I’m afraid we’re all sold out. Dwight: Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745. Front Desk Clerk: Yes. Schrute. Dwight: And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes? Front Desk Clerk: Sure. No problem. Dwight: Okay. Front Desk Clerk: Here’s your key, Mr. Schrute. Michael: Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room. Dwight: No way. What if I meet someone? Michael: I’m staying in your--Come on, Dwight. Dwight: No. No. Michael: I would do the same for you. Dwight: You would? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Really? Michael: Yes… just go-- Dwight: Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours. Michael: Oh. Thank God. Dwight: Oh no. Now that I don’t have a room, can I stay with you? Michael: Um… no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can’t. And I’ll tell you why. Dwight: Please? Michael: If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she’s going to get turned off if she looks in the bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay. Dwight: Mmm-hmm. Michael: Okay. Dwight: Okay. Okay. A-ha-ha! [rips reservation out of Michael’s hand] That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me. Michael: I don’t have a room? Dwight: No, you do not. Michael: Okay. ‘Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.’ Dwight: It worked. Michael: Jerk. Michael: When Mary was denied a room at the inn… Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don’t know what happens because that story hasn’t been told yet. Stanley: Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson. Michael: Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight? Stanley: Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me. Michael: Not in the same bed. In the other bed. Stanley: I got one queen size bed. Michael: You… are… kidding me. Stanley: A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael. Michael: I’m not a physics major, Stanley. I’m just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight? Erin: Oh. Gross. Kelly: Blow my brains out. Michael: That’s rude. Toby: Michael, I have one extra twin bed, if you want. Michael: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it. Mr. Halpert: So, which one is Pam’s grandma? Pam: Oh, Mema? She’s the one in the teal suit. She’s the only 80-year-old with no smile wrinkles. Jim: Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right? Mr. Halpert: No. Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s very conservative. So, mum’s the word. Jim: Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott. Mr. Halpert: Oh. Michael: How ya doin’? Mr. Halpert: Hi. Michael: Nice to meet you. Mr. Halpert: Nice to meet you. Michael: Who’s doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and-- Jim: Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it’s just going to be blood relatives, I think. Michael: [talking quietly, trying not to move his lips] That is seriously going to impede my ability to hook up with your female relatives. Jim: Pretty sure everyone heard that. Michael: Didn’t move my lips. Pam: Hey, Mema. Mema: I wasn’t sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parent’s divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you. Pam: Oh. Thank you… but nobody’s perfect. Mema: Well… I wouldn’t care to live if I thought that. Jim: Mr. Beesly. How are ya? Mr. Beesly: I’d like you to meet Christy Kelly. Jim: Oh. Is this, uh, is this your niece? Mr. Beesly: [laughs] No, no. She’s my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table? Dwight: From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It’s all in the report. Little Girl: Why would they make the bad man a boss if you’re so much smarter? Dwight: Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim… the bad man was busy kissing the boss man’s butt. Kids: Ewwww! Dwight: That’s right. It is ew. It is very ew. Pam: Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She’s also my maid of honor. Oscar: Pleased to meet you. Penny: I’m sorry, it’s Kevin. I thought it was Gil? Kevin: She thought I was your boyfriend. Oscar: You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you? Pam: Oscar, it was an honest mistake. Oscar: Him? Him? Kevin: Oscar, I would be proud to date you. Penny: I’m sorry. Kevin: I’m not gay. I’m Kevin. Penny: Nice to meet you, Kevin. Kevin: Yes. Oscar: You owe me and apology. Penny: I’m so sorry. Kevin: Are you seeing anyone right now? Pam: She has a boyfriend. He’s out of town. Kevin: Cool. Ryan: [to a girl sitting next to him] I was the youngest VP in the company history. Meredith: More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories. Ryan: Um… also-- Andy: How did Meredith get put at the young people’s table? Kevin: She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin. Andy: What? You’re kid--That’s--You’re-- Isabel: Jim and Pam, I can’t tell you how happy I am to be here. Michael: Head table, where I belong. Dwight: It’s just for family. Michael: Well, who’s that one? Dwight: Isabel Poreba. Oh, I’ve got stuff on her. [laughs] In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2. Michael: What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight? Dwight: That’s a very good record. Pete: Alright, so I’ll be like, ‘You’re so sweet guys and so kind’. Tom: That’s when I’ll do the face, like- Pete: Like, ‘What? What?’. And then we’ll just give him a little punch in the back and-- Tom: A noogie? Pete: You know what? Never too married for a noogie. Michael: They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me… up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom. Tom: Pam, you’ve got the greatest smile and your body is really fine. Pete: Smoking. Tom: Hoping it’ll make our wives take it up a notch. Pete: A little mo’ cardio. Michael: That’s not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn’t gonna make a toast and I’m not going to. Just going to do a little free-standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? ‘I’m so smart. E=MC… squared. I drive a Smart Car.’ That’s not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider. Dwight: Knight Rider. Michael: That’s a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope. Dwight: No. Michael: That’s not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. [no one is laughing] Dwight: Very smart. Michael: And… you… everybody can laugh. It doesn’t have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh. Jim: No. Michael: Yeah. Go ahead. Jim: Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming. Pete: Douche. Jim: Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who travelled from far away to be here with us tonight… especially the Florida cousins who, obviously, can’t take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do… which was just to wait. Uh, don’t get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn’t need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick? Pam: Like… a year. Jim: I’ve been driving stick since high school. So… yes. For a really long time that’s all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that… I was waiting for my wife. So… I would like to propose a toast. So, if you’d all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses-- Mema: What’s obvious? Why can’t Pam drink? Jim: Pam can’t drink? I didn’t--I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn’t. She shouldn’t because she’s an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That’s not true. I--no. What we want--the real reason is that, that Pam’s pregnant. Michael: [clears throat] Okay. Okay. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that… they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they’re living together, they’re having lots of consensual sex-- Mema: They were living together? Michael: Yes. Yes, they were living together. Yes, and you know what? You can’t expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it’s just a different sensation. Jim: Michael. Michael: When you c--well? Am I wrong? They say it’s not different, but it’s a different sensation. Jim: Oh, my God. Please. Michael: When you use something to block– I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It’s not necessarily different for the woman-- Pam: Michael. Michael: But it’s different for the– okay. Okay. Pam: Michael. Stop. Michael: Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word. Jim: Alright. Michael: Jim. Jim: To waiting. Everyone: [quiet and scattered] To waiting. Mema: I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called “Bruno” last night. The remote control had so darned many buttons on it, I couldn’t turn it off. So, I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, ‘How could they pick such a hotel?’ Hmmm. Now I know. Pam: Mema. Michael: That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it. Jim: I can’t believe it was me. Michael: I know. I can’t believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me. Jim: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things? Michael: I have not found that to be the case. Pam: Hey, smooth guys. Jim: I’m so sorry. Michael: Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me. Pam: Mema’s not coming to the wedding. She’s leaving tomorrow morning. Jim: Oh, my God. Are you serious? Michael: There’s gonna be a free room? Michael: Hi, Mema. It’s Michael. Mema: Oh. You’re that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse. Michael: Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I? Michael: I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma… and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she’s better than everybody. Mema: I want to go to bed but I can’t. I can’t turn that television off. Michael: Oh. Okay. Well… hook you up, there. [turns off tv] Mema: Oh. Thank you. Michael: You’re welcome. Mema: It was that horrible Charlie Rose. Michael: Oh. Isn’t he terrible? May I? Here’s the thing. Umm… Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It’s not 1890 anymore. It’s modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encourage them. That’s part of life. Mema: People are like cats and dogs these days. Michael: Exactly. Mema: This used to be such a great country. Michael: I know. Mema: I don’t know what happened to it. Michael: They’re gonna name the baby after you, you know. They’re gonna call it Mema. Mema: You mean, Sylvia. Michael: Yes, and if it’s a boy they will call it Sylvio. Andy: Partay. Room 639. Kevin: Yes! Andy: Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models. Kevin: That sounds epic. Can we bring anything? Andy: Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. ‘Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo! Andy: No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down. Andy: If I was girl, I would seriously reconsider coming to this party. But don’t tell anyone that I said that ’cause I want them to come. Angela: And where do you think you’re going? Pam: I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit. Angela: Well, why don’t I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead? Pam: I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while. Angela: Mm-hmm. Okay. I’ll go with you. Come on. Pam: [sighs] Never mind. Angela: Are you sure? Pam: Yeah. Angela: It’ll be fun. Pam: No. Michael: What are you wearing? Dwight: What? It’s a casual, social outfit. Michael: Looks like you’re going to a fish fry, Dwight. Dwight: No. They’re howling at the moon. It’s suggestive to women because of the howling during sex. Michael: Okay. [Dwight howls] That’s not appropriate. [Dwight continues howling] Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl] Okay. Okay. Come on. Let’s go. [both howl as they exit]