St. Patrick’s Day
Written By: Jonathon Hughes Directed By: Randall Einhorn Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Hello, hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature’s Viagra! [Michael grabs and pours a scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket] Michael: Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It’ll be a good day. Kelly: I don’t want to bring my friends, why can’t it just be the two of us? Ryan: Because it’s St. Patrick’s Day, people go out in groups. Kelly: Well, why don’t you invite your friends? Ryan: Why are you being so weird about this? Meredith: Stop fighting. Just on St Patrick’s Day, okay? Just one perfect day a year. No hassles, no problems, no kids. Ryan: Why no kids? Kelly: Yeah, where are your kids? Meredith: Nope. Nuh-uh. Not today! Michael: It is St. Patrick’s Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas. Erin: Welcome back, “Dad!” Jim: Oh, thank you! Phyllis: Hey! Stanley: Hey! Andy: Welcome back Tuna! Jim: Hey… [reveal Dwight’s Mega-Desk] Dwight: Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that, thanks. Jim: What do we got here? Dwight: Mega-Desk. Jim: Of course. Dwight: Command central. Jim: Mm-hmm. Dwight: Surveillance, gaming… And business. Jim: Okay. [pulls desks apart] Just gotta… Dwight: Okay. Come on! Jim! Dwight: Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But … I don’t care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk. Jo: Oh, I love this, so much fun! There’s such team spirit in this room! ‘Morning Darling! Jim: Morning! Jo: Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while. But I’m leaving it in the very capable hands of some of the loveliest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Oh, I’m gonna miss this place. And the snow! Hoo, my dogs love peeing in that snow! Makes me think they’re onto something. Jo: Oh, good morning sweetheart. Michael: Morning, honey-pile. Jo: I’m sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands? Michael: It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by. [pulls out glass cube with coal] Jo: Is that a lump of coal? Michael: Yes, it is! Jo: Have I been that naughty? Michael: No, no, no--that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal. Jo: Err, thank you very much. We, we don’t get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I’m used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you’ve ever tasted. Michael: Mm, that sounds great, actually. Jo: Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, you got a place to stay. Michael: When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don’t care if you’re a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in! Andy: Erin go braugh! Erin: Andy go braugh to you! Nice kilt! Andy: Thanks. It’s actually my sister’s old field hockey skirt. Andy: Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to “How I Met Your Mother” that’s the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them. Jim: No. [re-enters bullpen from kitchen] Dwight: Great. Jim: No. Dwight: Thank you. [hangs up phone] Jim: No-no-no-no-no. Dwight: Oh, come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please? Jim: [swats over various photos and knickknacks, points at paperwork] Is this yours or mine? Dwight: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy! Jim: Good Lord! [Photo of Cece on Jim’s desktop] I can’t believe I’m missing this. Pam: It’s kind of like that lip thing she did last night, like a half snarl, half smile? I get the sense that she’s very ironic. Jim: Okay. Love you. We’ll talk soon. [hangs up phone] Dwight: Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life? Jim: It is. Big time. Dwight: Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now. Jim: Pretty amazing. Dwight: What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on. Jim: Oh, it’s tough being here for a lot of reasons. Dwight: I mean, you’re here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father. Jim: Is that what happened to you? Dwight: I’ll tell you what happened to me. I didn’t see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother. Jim: That’s a common mistake. Dwight: Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending. Angela: Hey! [Erin sneezing at desk] Are you sick? Erin: Oh, no I’m fine, I just have a little indigestion. Angela: In your nose? Erin: Yes. [Angela returns to desk and puts embroidered breathing mask on] Erin: I’m a little sick but I don’t want to miss my date with Andy. I’ll get better. Whenever I’m sick, it goes away within a few hours. Except once, when I was in the hospital from age three to six. Jo: Now, after all the talking I’ve been doing. It’s your turn. This is a town hall meeting. I want to hear what you all sound like. Michael: That is a great idea JB. Jo: Thank you. You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper? That wasn’t invented by some fancy engineer. No, that was created by a lowly typist. Kevin: Jo, I have an idea, for suntan lotion – soap. Jo: You know it doesn’t have to be an invention. Oscar: I have a question. Michael: Oscar, homosexual accountant. Oscar: In the training manual it says that there is a minority executive training program in Tallahassee? Jo: I am so proud of Sabre’s “Print In All Colors” initiative. Any Sabre employee of color is welcome to apply. [Kelly applauds] Jo: Daryl? Michael: Daryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse… Jo: Okay hush now. Michael: Okay. Daryl: The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, but printers and paper ship differently. It’ll be faster to deliver them separately, instead of waiting on everything to come in. Jo: But you wouldn’t need more trucks? Daryl: Not at all. There’s a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs. Jo: Oh, look at you. Michael: Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We’re very proud of you. You know what, we’re gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen. Jo: [Looks over his proposal] I like this Daryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here? Daryl: Are you serious? Jo: Yeah. Take Jim’s old office. Gabe: Um. I set my stuff up in there. So… just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you. Jo: Yeah, I want to hear more from you. Daryl: Absolutely. Jo: All right. Daryl: Thank you. Jo: Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody’s mind? I’m leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while! Michael: Oh no! Say it’s not so, Jo, we’re gonna miss you, we’re gonna miss you so much! Jo: Yes, well okay. Florida ain’t that far away. Michael: Well, I am heading down there. Jo: Well, anytime now. Michael: How about July 4th weekend? [reveals paper ticket] Jo: Oh, honey you didn’t buy a ticket? Michael: I did! Jo: Oh honey. I’m not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay? Michael: You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and – Jo: Enough! Michael: All right, everybody, just try to put a brave face on. Michael: Let’s follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn’t like Michael anymore. Hmmm. Daryl: [singing] Moving on up, to the East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky… Michael: Hello. I want you to stop what you’re doing right now. You are stressed, and I’m taking you to lunch. Jo: No, that’s very generous of you, but I’m all set. Michael: No is not an option. Jo: Yes, it is. Michael: All right. Well, if you need me, I’ll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no. Jo: How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work? Michael: [laughs] I’ll be over there. Jim: And I’m actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now. Dwight: [whispers] Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you. Jim: What? Dwight: My headphones are broken. Jim: Right. Dwight: Can I listen to my music at a low volume? Jim: Yeah, that’s great. Great. Dwight: Okay? [Jim unplugs cord, Dwight sings Cat Steven's Cat's in the Cradle] "The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue--" Jim: [overlapping] When’s the last time you upgraded your printer? Dwight: "--and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don’t know when--" Jim: [whispers] Please stop that! Dwight: “But we’ll be together then--" Jim: Can you grow up? Dwight: "Dad, you know we’ll have a good time then--" Jim: [turns off Dwight’s music] Whether it’s this time or next time. Andy: [vocalises and continues song] “The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon” Jim: [on business call] Yeah. Andy and Dwight: [singing, Dwight supplies beats] "Little boy blue and the man in the moon." Jim: No, we definitely can talk about it in the next– Andy and Dwight: "When you coming home Dad?" Jim: You know, can I call you back? Andy and Dwight: "I don’t know when--" Jim: That would be great, thank you. Andy and Dwight: "But we’ll get together then, we’re gonna have a good time--" [Jim talks on his cell phone in the hallway] Jim: No, I know I need to work, I just--I feel weird not being home. Jim: I am not surprised that Dwight’s using my baby to steal my desk. I’m a little surprised that it’s working. Erin: This fax came for you. [coughs] Jo: Oh no, no, no! Are you feeling ill? Erin: Uh… Jo: Oh no honey, if you got a bug, I want you to go on home. I can’t have you getting Callie and Jo Jr. sick. These dogs have got to be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week. Erin: Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car. Jo: Yeah, but you sound like death, girl. Now why don’t you go on home and take care of yourself and get in bed. And shred that and have them send me a clean fax, okay? Erin: Well… [Jo closes door on her] Andy: She should go home. It’s not the end of the world. We’ll go on our date next week. She’s still gonna like me in a week. Right? Jo: Yes? Andy: I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you. [turns feint] Jo: Oh! You’re sick! [Andy coughs] Dang it! That’s exactly why I sent that receptionist home. Andy: No, no, no, no, no. Jo: Get everybody sick in the office. Andy: I have some good ideas… Jo: We don’t need any heroes here honey. It’s time for you to get on home now. Andy: You sure? Jo: You’ll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on. Michael: Very nice. Daryl: Not bad, huh? Michael: A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo’s eye. How’d you make that happen? Daryl: I impressed her with my good ideas. Michael: Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it? Daryl: I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there. Michael: How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice? Daryl: Now Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television. Michael: Okay. All right. Jo: Hey there. Michael: Hey there. So, I think I’m done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier. Jo: Well, there’s chatting time and there’s working time. I’m still on working time. Michael: Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so. Jo: Well, if you feel like you’ve done a solid day’s work… Michael: Right. What? Jo: Well, I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you’ve done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home. Michael: Mm. mm. Oh well. Jo: Anything else I can help you with? Michael: No, no, no. That’s super-clear-ish. [exits, closes door, takes off coat] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Kevin: Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don’t have lives. Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous. Michael: Hey Pack-man. Todd Packer: Hey what’s up, Butt-plug? Michael: How you doing stud? You already there? Todd Packer: Dude, I’ve been here since three! I’ve boot and rallied twice. Michael: How’s the lady situation? Todd Packer: Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance. Michael: Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately, I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late. Todd Packer: Oh, here’s what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me! Michael: Yeah. Maybe next year. Todd Packer: Maybe next “queer.” Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash? Erin: [opens door, surprised] Oh! Andy! Andy: Hi! Erin: I’m in my jammy-jams! Andy: That’s okay, I’m in my “worky-works.” You look amazing! Erin: Oh, thanks. Come in! Meredith: Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in? Kevin: Oh I’m in. Oscar: I’m in. Meredith: All right. [the four of them get out of chairs to run out, Jo exits her office. They retreat] Jo: Oh, you don’t become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. [scoffs] You do it by working hard. Or marrying rich. I did both! Dwight: Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O’Gannigan’s tonight. It shouldn’t go all night long, so if you’d like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. [Jim is silent] No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. [whistles Cat Steven’s Cat’s in the Cradle] Dwight: Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening [phone rings] I have… Jo: Hello? Jim: Hey Jo, it’s Jim Halpert. I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client. And it’s so weird, because we never have meetings after 5pm. But I was hoping that maybe just this once, it would be okay. Jo: Well sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers. Jim: You know I will. And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this! Jo: Okay. Jim: Okay. Jo: Sorry Sugar. What’d you want? Dwight: Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I’m just gonna reschedule for next week. Jo: Thank you. Jim: [pops back into Jo’s doorway] Thanks again by the way. Daryl: Hey! What are you fellas doing up here? Warehouse guy 1: We’re here to bust you out! Daryl: I wish, but uh-- Warehouse guy 1: Dude! Your shirt tucked in? Daryl: Oh. Yeah, um, I must have did that when I was in the bathroom. All right then, uh, let me get to it. Warehouse guy 1: All right. Warehouse guy 2: See you later. Erin: Your hand’s cold. Andy: It is? I’m sorry. Erin: Yeah, have some more blanket. Andy: Okay, thanks. Reid: What’s up? Andy: Whoa! Erin: You’re awake. Andy, this is my brother, Reid. Andy: I didn’t know you had a brother. Erin: He’s my foster brother. Andy: Well, any brother of Erin’s is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you. Andy Bernard. [they shake hands] Reid: Cold hands. [takes spot next to Erin on love seat] Andy: Are we rotating seats, or? Reid: Oh yeah, you’re the guest. Take the easy chair, best seat in the house. Plus, you don’t have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet. Erin: Hey! My feet aren’t smelly, they smell like roses. Smell them! [puts her feet in his face] Reid: Ooh! [Erin giggles] Andy: So, how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent or-- Erin: None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen. Andy: All right. Formative years. Erin: [laughs] Reid: Nice skirt. Andy: Yeah, it’s a kilt. Night cleaning crew: Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry. [They retreat, the camera pans around the office still full with staff] Angela: Yes, I’m anxious to get off work. But let me be clear. It’s not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. It’s so I can protest St. Patrick’s Day. Jo: Overnight all my damn bags home. I’m carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. I’ve had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry. Michael: How late do we have to work tonight? Gabe: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we’re here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn’t show up for three days. Michael: Why does she do that? Why doesn’t she just tell you what your schedule is? Gabe: Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn’t have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I’m young, right? I will date when I’m dead! [laughs] Michael: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would’ve turned thirty. That’s just – that’s just depressing. Michael: Hello Jo. Jo: Anything I can do for you Puddin’? Michael: There is, as a matter of fact. It’s getting sorta late. It’s 8:30. And it’s St. Patrick’s Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So, I have decided I’m going to dismiss my employees. Jo: Hmm. Michael: I’m thrilled with the work they’ve done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around. Jo: All right then. Michael: Okay. Happy St. Patrick’s Day. [starts to leave office] And also, I would like to say that I will be cancelling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship. Jo: Michael? Michael: Yes. Jo: I look forward to that too. Andy: Ooh. It’s coming down out there. Erin: Yes. Thank you, for coming all the way here. Andy: No, I-- Erin: I’m so sorry I was so sick. [Andy leans in. She leans in. Reid appears in background. Erin kisses Andy on the cheek] Andy: Ah. Oh great, now I’m gonna get sick. [they both laugh] Michael: Excuse me, excuse me. Hey, guys! Meredith, Creed, Oscar and Matt: [cheering Michael] Michael: Drinks are on me! Oscar: No! No, no, no! Put your credit cards away. Drinks are on us! Michael: Oh-hoh! All right. Michael: Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don’t know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, “Don’t worry, be happy.” Todd Packer: Whoops! [Humps Michael] Michael: Okay. Okay, all right. Best night ever. [Meredith joins behind Packer] What the hell is going on back there? Jim: Yeah. We should be able to have that right over to you by Monday. Yeah, no problem. [reveal Jim behind Quad-Desk] Thank you. Dwight: What the hell is this? Jim: Oh! Dwight: This is not Mega-Desk. Jim: No, it’s not. They call it Quad-Desk. Dwight: That’s ridiculous, this is made up of three desks. Jim: Oh my God. We’re going to have to rename it then, aren’t we? [Dwight’s phone rings. He crawls into nook under Jim’s Quad-Desk] Dwight: Hello, Dwight Schrute?