Happy Hour
Written By: B.J. Novak Directed By: Matt Sohn Transcribed By: Admin [Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups] Dwight: Breathe. Work your core. Come on. Michael: How many is that? Dwight: Not counting the last one, 25. Michael: Count the last one. Dwight: Okay, 25 and one girl push-up! Michael: Oh, new record! Dwight: Okay. Michael: Oh, what did you do today? Jim: I made a sale. Michael: Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat. Meredith: What do we get if we do ’em? Michael: My respect. [everyone returns to work] Michael: Okay, I’ll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than twenty-five push-ups-- Dwight: And one girl push-up. Michael: Gets to go home. [everyone starts to do push-ups] Michael: Ooh! I say ‘dance,’ they say, ‘how high?’ Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. [steps on Angela] Disqualified! Angela: Ow! Michael: What do we got? Creed, disqualified. Creed: [from desk chair] Oh, come on! Jim: Nineteen. [grunts] I had a really hard work out this morning. [Stanley straining and breathing heavily] Michael: Oh, wow, that is adorable! Phyllis: Ten… Michael: Yeah, I’m betting one more. Phyllis: Eleven, wow! Michael: Good. Everyone: [chanting] Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley… Michael: Alright, alright. [chanting continues] Oscar: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby. Michael: Well, it’s not exactly fair. He’s got all of his weight that’s helping him go down. Dwight: Twenty-five. Yeah! Come on, you can do it! Phyllis: One more, one more! [cheers and applause] Oscar: You okay? You okay, Stanley? Stanley: Excuse me. Jim: Wow. [applause] Oscar: Hey. Matt, right? Matt: Hey, Oscar. You’re here early. Oscar: I always come in at seven. Warehouse Guy: No, you don’t. Oscar: Well… Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight? Matt: I don’t know. I’m free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know. Oscar: Yeah. Oscar: Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. [tries to open door, locked] Just a couple of hours to kill before work. Darryl: Hey, what’s up? Oscar: Hey, nice office. Darryl: Thanks, it’s cool. So… Oscar: You know what we haven’t done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink. Darryl: Has that ever happened? Ever? Oscar: Didn’t we? I think we did. Darryl: You want me to invite Matt? Oscar: Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included. Darryl: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me. Oscar: So happy hour. Darryl: Happy hour. My pleasure. Oscar: All right. Oscar: So, what do you think? Phyllis: Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I’d like to try. I’ll ask Bob. Phyllis: Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats ’em up. What? Andy: A bunch of us are talking about happy hour. Jim: I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam’s at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in. Andy: Oh, baloney. Jim: Good one. Andy: Ring her up. Jim: Absolutely, I will do that right now. Jim: I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I – and I love her. I also love her, very much. Jim: So, some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-- Pam: [on phone] Yes! Yes! I would love to! Andy: Ha! Knew it! Pam: [through phone] It’s been so long since I’ve been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley’s going to be there. Yes, oh my God! Jim: I did not see this coming. Andy: Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. [whispering] Are you going later? Erin: Sure, if you are. Andy: Yes. Erin: Talk to me that way again, and I’ll cut your face off. Andy: Whoa. Andy: We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um… but we’re kinda keeping it quiet for now ’cause it’s still kind of a new thing. It’s a little delicate, and we just don’t want all the drama. Erin: Exactly. Andy: Yeah, cause when everyone knows-- [there's a knock on the window, Andy open the blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures] Andy: That’s actually pretty funny, but in general, you know. Erin: Quiet. Andy: Hey, boss man. Michael: Yes? Andy: A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in? Michael: Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time. Andy: I’m sorry, I meant later. Michael: Okay, yes. Sure. Andy: For happy hour? Michael: No, I got that. Andy: Trying to get a head count. Michael: I am in. Andy: All right, yes! It’s a deal. Michael: It’s a deal. Pam: Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie. Jim: Okay. Pam: I want her to meet Michael. Jim: Why? Pam: They’re both single, I have a sense they might-- Jim: You’ve been gone for a long time. Pam: It is not that. Kevin! Oh! Kevin: Yeah! [hugs Pam] Pam: Hey, how are you? Kevin: Oh, I missed you so much. Pam: Aw! Kevin: Yeah! Pam: Yeah! Kevin: Waaah! [starts to make crying baby noises] Kevin: When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what’s fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know… that would be funny. Michael: Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs] Jim: Easy. Michael: It’s not a birthday, it’s not a good-bye party… Jim: Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth. Michael: Sucks to be you. Jim: Would you like to be our fourth? Michael: That would be sublime. Jim: All right. Darryl: So, the guy shows me the deck he’s built. And I’m like, ‘I’ll call this a deck if it’ll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.’ [laughter, Oscar looks toward door] It was ridiculous man, it was like--you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs. Pam: Hey, Michael. Michael: Yes. Pam: This is my friend Julie. Michael: Hello, how are you? Julie: Good. Hi. Michael: What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs] Pam: Julie laughs at everything. Julie: So, you work with Pam and Jim? Michael: Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired. Julie: [giggles] I should hope not. Michael: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win. Isabel: Hey. Pam: Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness. Isabel: Of course. Pam: You want to play pool? Isabel: Um, I’m gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone. Pam: Okay. Angela: And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-- Dwight: Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn’t Isabel. Isabel: Mm-hmm. Dwight: What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? Isabel: A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this. Dwight: Ooh, I love repartee. Isabel: Do you? Dwight: Usually means there’s a battle scene coming. Michael: So, what do you do? Julie: I am an ESL teacher. Michael: Really? Julie: Yeah. Michael: See, I didn’t think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now? Julie: Are you thinking that I said ‘ESP?’ Michael: Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome. Julie: I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn’t act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we’d never get anything done. Jim: So, what do you think? Michael: About what? Jim: About Julie? Michael: She’s nice. Jim: Yeah. Michael: Yeah. Jim: So, you like her? Michael: Uh, yeah, sure. Jim: So, Pam was right? Michael: About what? Jim: About you two hitting it off. Michael: [removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap] Hide: My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart. Oscar: I know. Pam: Hey, Michael, where have you been? [Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces] Jim: Hey, you’re supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything okay? Pam: Why are you wearing a hat now? Michael: Guys, come on, I’m on a date. Let me do my thang. Michael: Hi, I’m date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink] Jim: You want to just make a run for it? Pam: Maybe. Kevin: Waaaah! [Kevin fake-cries into Pam’s chest] Waaaaah! Mommy! Jim: What is happening? Andy: Whoa! What is crackin? Ryan: Guys, one second. [on dance videogame] Kelly: We’re focusing, we’re focusing, we can’t talk. Erin: What’s this game? Ryan: One second. Andy: Yeah, how do you play? Ryan: Guys, guys, guys, please. [game ends] Okay, all right, it’s all yours now. Kelly: Only three tickets. Ryan: If we save ’em up, we can get more than a sticker this time. Kelly: Stop telling me how to spend my tickets. Ryan: I know, but you wanted the big thing. Andy: Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together? Erin: Oh, I know. Andy: They’d be like, ‘what’s up with those two?’ Erin: ‘Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.’ Andy: ‘Did we miss the wedding?’ Um, I got it--I’ll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we’ll switch. Erin: Yes, okay. Yeah, that’s smart. Andy: No drama. Okay. Isabel: Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole. Dwight: Any brothers or sisters? Isabel: Three brothers. Dwight: Really? Isabel: Two are in the Marines, one’s a cop. Dwight: Vegetarian? Isabel: No. I love meat. Dwight: What’s your blood type? Isabel: O-negative. Universal donor. Dwight: Universal donor. [startled by Angela, curses] Dwight: Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela. Michael: Hey, guys, guys, guys. [steals a cherry from waitress passing buy] Watch this. Ready? Julie: What are you doing? Michael: I’m tying a knot in the stem with my tongue. Jim: Michael, you don’t have to do this. Michael: [choking] Wow. Oh, wow, that was close. Michael: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers. Phyllis: Hey, you two having fun? Andy: Did you tell them? Erin: No. Andy: This is exactly what I don’t want, the drama. I don’t want the drama! Erin: I get it. Isabel: [Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole] You are amazing at this. How did you get so good? Dwight: Whacking moles. Hit ’em on the head. Whack. Say it with me. Isabel: Whack! Dwight: Extend the fingers more. Isabel: Whack! Dwight: Good. Angela: This looks like a hoot. Dwight: Hey, monkey, how you doing? Angela: Whack. Dwight: Listen, can I talk to you for a second? Angela: Okay. Dwight: Look, I’ve been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don’t need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore. Angela: It’s no worry. Dwight: It’s just that we both--we want different things. You know, I want a big family. Angela: I could see enjoying that. Dwight: No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You’re off the hook. Angela: But we signed the contract. Dwight: Dissolved. Don’t worry, you’re free. Okay? Okay. See you later. Angela: We both--you didn’t dup-- Jim: [Michael playing air guitar on pool table] Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he’s not normally like this. Pam: Maybe it should come from a man. Jim: Maybe it should come from a note… with flowers…tomorrow. Bar Manager: Hello. Michael: Hello. Bar Manager: Hi. Michael: Hi. Bar Manager: You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table? Michael: Yeah, why don’t you send the bill to 23 I Don’t Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania? Pam: Hey, Michael, why don’t you just get down. Michael: Hey, she can tell I’m on a date, right? Right? I’m just having fun. Bar Manager: Ted, are we having fun? Michael: Really? You told on me. That’s lame. Bouncer: We got a problem? Michael: Yes. Homelessness. What? Bar Manager: All right, go. Michael: Where? Bar Manager: Get out. Now. Michael: Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I’m just kidding around. I’m sorry. Pam: Okay, um, why don’t we just finish the game? Michael, it’s your shot. Michael: She can’t talk to us that way. Pam: You guys are stripes, I think… Michael: You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop? Jim: It stopped. Michael: Well, I am starting it again! Pam: Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here. Michael: Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I’m gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologise. Bar Manager: Then I am sorry that I didn’t kick you out. Michael: I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello. Bar Manager: Well, uh, I’m the manager here, sir. Michael: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don’t see that from you. Bar Manager: Is that how you do it? Michael: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it. Bar Manager: Really? How much have you written? Michael: I’ve written all of it… in my head. Bar Manager: Oh. Michael: If you’re really interested, it’s called ‘Somehow I Manage’ and there’s going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up. Bar Manager: Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca’s? It’s a classic. Michael: Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it. Bar Manager: Dude, tonight! You’re not going to want to put it down. It’s gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow. Michael: I own a Chrysler. Bar Manager: Shut up. Michael: No, you shut up. Bar Manager: What’s your drink? Michael: Grenadine. Bar Manager: What? Andy: We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead. Erin: Okay. Andy: [Andy sits at table with another woman] Hi. Girl at table: Hi. Andy: I don’t normally do this, but… Girl at table: Do what? Andy: Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people. Erin: [Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh] Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that? Andy: [Andy spits out his drink] What are you doing? Erin: What we said to do. Andy: We didn’t say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers! Erin: I was flirting with a man. Andy: Get in here. [Andy and Erin go into photo booth] Where did you learn to talk like that? Erin: The movies. I don’t know. Andy: Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan? Michael: I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre. Bar Manager: You have a card? Michael: I did. I actually put it in your bowl. Bar Manager: Stanley Hudson? Michael: No, no. Bar Manager: Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson’s in here. Michael: No, it’s Michael Scott. Bar Manager: Michael Scott? Michael: He is I. Bar Manager: You just won yourself a lunch. Michael: Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up] Julie: I think I’m gonna go. Pam: Really? Julie: Yeah. Pam: I’m sorry, he’s not usually like that. Julie: What’s he usually like? Pam: He’s more, just… like… you can go. Julie: Yeah. Jim: All right. Pam: Okay. Bye. Jim: See ya. Nice girl. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Hey, Julie! You having fun? [Julie leaves] Bar Manager: So… when are you coming in for that free lunch? You’re gonna want to come in on a day that I’m working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too. Darryl: Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude’s life story? It’s amazing, right? Oscar: I couldn’t understand a word he said. Darryl: Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt’s an okay dude, but he’s a dummy. You guys got nothing in common. Oscar: Maybe you’re right. I should count myself lucky. Matt: Hey, what’s up? Oscar: There he is! Hey, hey, hey. Matt: Anyone up for some hoops? Oscar: Sure. Hoops! Matt: Let’s do it. Oscar: Hoop it up, right. Andy: This is not what I want my relationship to look like. [holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting] Andy: [over PA] Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I’ve been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you. Andy: You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go. Erin: [laughs] You love drama. Andy: I know, I do, right? I’m a total drama queen. Dwight: With this move, he can’t get you. Isabel: Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler. Dwight: Oh, please. I wish he’d come after me. I would be like--aaah! Angela: Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight: Sh--what? Angela: You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court. Dwight: No, no, no. [trying to talk over her] Blah blah blah blah! Angela: For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin. Isabel: What are you talking about? Dwight: What are you-- Angela: Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me. Dwight: Angela… Angela: Did he not tell you that? Dwight: You’re really putting me in an awkward position here. Angela: Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract? Dwight: Angela, not here! Angela: Dwight? Isabel: Whack! [Isabel smacks Angela on forehead] Angela: You’ll see me in small claims court! Dwight: You are an impressive specimen. Isabel: Thank you. [Dwight and Isabel kiss] Kelly: [crying] Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn’t give me a refill. Pam: Oh-oh, gosh. Oh. Jim: You all right? Pam: Okay, we have to get home. Kevin: Yeah! Michael: Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady. Jim: Actually, you didn’t. Pam: Not at all. Michael: I think I did. But I can’t take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me. Darryl: Tell ’em your story, Hide. Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!