Secretary’s Day
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Steve Carrell Transcribed By: Admin [Andy, Angela, Phyllis, Ryan, Kelly, and Oscar are gathered around Oscar’s computer lauging at a video of Cookie Monster] Cookie Monster: [Kevin’s voice] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I’m sitting on them. [all laugh] Andy: This is awesome! Oscar: Thank you. It didn’t even take that long. Cookie Monster: [Kevin’s voice] What’s the difference between a chimichanga, [Kevin arrives behind the group] a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It’s urgent. Kevin: This isn’t funny. I don’t talk like that. [all continue laughing] Phyllis: Say “Me eat cookie.” Kevin: No. I won’t say it. Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique. Ryan: It’s Kevin as Cookie monster from Sesame Street. Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar’s desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio? Phyllis: Mm-hmm. Dwight: I love that show. Cookie Monster: [Kevin’s voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin. Ryan: Good work, buddy. Oscar: Thank you. Dwight: That is an amusing link. I’d like it sent to me, please. Oscar: Yes. Kelly: Me, too Oscar. Ryan: C.C. me Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate. Angela: This is my favorite day. Andy: It’s Secretary’s Day. And it is Erin’s and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. [Andy unfurling a giant banner that reads, “Happy Secretary’s Day” by reception, placing a teddy bear on Erin’s chair] Andy: Want to make sure the whole office remembers it’s Secretary’s Day. I sent an email blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin. Meredith: Here you go. Erin: Oh, thank you. Andy: I do. Dwight: [hands Erin a basket of beets] Erin: Thank you. Andy: If it wasn’t for secretaries, I wouldn’t have a stepmom. Erin: [as Halperts arrive] Welcome back! Pam: Hey, thanks. Pam: It’s my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?… It rocked. It rocked my ass off. Pam: [at her desk, grabs her plant and sees it dried up, looks at Jim] Oh. You couldn’t have watered it? Jim: I literally did not know that existed until this moment. Dwight: Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die. Pam: It’s nice to see you again, Dwight. Dwight: Hello, Pam. Andy: [arrives at Michael’s office and sits] I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary’s Day. Michael: I’m going to give Erin $15. Erin: I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch. Michael: A one-on-one lunch with Erin? Andy: Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there’s only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary’s Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. [Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear’s arm at Michael]. Michael: She’s kind of a rube. Andy: [slams his hand on Michael’s desk] That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about. Michael: Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I’ll take her to lunch. Andy: [taping desk] She’s gonna be so psyched. Michael: [walks over to Erin’s desk] Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary’s Day. Erin: Well, happy Boss’s day. There wouldn’t be a secretary if there was no boss. Michael: I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to…[Erin snaps a picture of Michael] lunch. Erin: I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworth’s. Michael: Ugh. Erin: Just the two of us. Michael: Well, Hayworth’s is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I’m… Erin: Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth’s, but… Michael: Okay, well, we’ll figure something. [Michael turns and starts back toward his office] Erin: Oh. Michael: [looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around] Okay, let’s go to Hayworth’s. Erin: [cheerfully] Okay. Michael: All right. Meredith: [sitting at kitchen table with Darryl] Have a cookie, Kev. Kevin: Yeah, haha. Tray of cookies. I’m not falling for that. Darryl: I brought those in. It’s my birthday. That’s some stone-cold narcissism right there. Kevin: Man, Darryl, I’m sorry. [pats Darryl’s back] Happy Birthday. Darryl: Thank you. [Kevin grabs cookie and starts eating it] Darryl: [as Cookie Monster] Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum. Kevin: They’re making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they’re making fun of me. Kevin: [again on laptop as Cookie Monster as he shows Gabe the video] Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M’s? The level… Gabe: This is violent and offensive. Kevin: Thank you. [computer continues] It really makes me self-conscious about my voice. Gabe: It’s awful. [reaches for tissue box, hands it to Kevin] Kevin: I’m not crying. Gabe: You have some food on your face. Kevin: [on computer as Cookie Monster] Do my hands feel sweaty to you? [Kevin grabs a tissue and wipes his mouth] Gabe: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don’t respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I’m the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I’m an authority figure. Gabe: Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It’s come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or email this around. Kevin: Yeah. Gabe: And that’s straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that’s all. Ciao. Michael: [in his car with Erin driving to lunch] Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I’m kind of a bookworm. This is the novelisation of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. Erin: I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager? Michael: [shakes head, annoyed] I don’t know. Erin: I would have chosen the 1490’s. Michael: Ahhh. Erin: ‘Cause America was discovered. Michael: Right. [sighs] Erin: [at lunch] And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don’t know, I couldn’t keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. [Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed]. So it’s like… I don’t mean that I didn’t like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn’t have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month? Michael: An age or month? Erin: Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven. Michael: I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird. Erin: How many pillows do you sleep on at night? Michael: So how are things going with Andy? Erin: He’s the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him. Michael: Well, let’s see. Um… Andy. Plays the banjo. Erin: Yeah I love that. Michael: Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don’t think he is a snappy dresser. Erin: What? Michael: I don’t think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter. Erin: Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela? Michael: Mm-hmm. You didn’t know that? Oh. Hayworth’s waiter: Here we go. Hot plate. Michael: Okay. Hayworth’s waiter: And your salad, miss. Erin: Why wouldn’t he tell me that? Michael: I don’t know. Probably didn’t want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else. Erin: They had sex? Michael: They were engaged, so… [Erin looks shocked] Okay, you know what, sir? Hayworth’s waiter: Yes? Michael: Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles? Hayworth’s waiter: Of course. I’ll get you a bowl of pickles. Michael: Thank you. Erin: Uhhhh, they were engaged? Michael: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Erin: [face looks disgusted, moves around uncomfortably] Uh-oh… Michael: Well… Erin: [moans, pulls hair over her face] Michael: What are you doing? What are you doing? Erin: In the Foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming] Michael: Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody’s looking at you right now. Erin: [breathes heavily, groans] Michael: [turns to other restaurant patrons] I’ll have what she’s having! Michael: [in Michael’s car] Did you have a… did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch. Pam: [feels a pain in her breast] Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha. Jim: What’s up? Dwight: Her milk is coming in. She’s getting uncomfortable. Jim: Dwight, don’t be gross. Pam: No, no, he’s right. Dwight: Same thing happens with my cows if I don’t tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they’ll moo like crazy. Pam: That’s weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump? Dwight: [removes jacket, applies hand sanitiser] All right, this is gonna traumatise me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me. Pam: You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay? Dwight: Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you. Pam: Mm. [walks into bathroom, Meredith is using her brest pump] Meredith! Meredith: I just like the way it feels. Pam: What are you doing?! Meredith: Just relax. Okay. Pam: Relax?! Meredith: This is like the Cadillac of pumps. Pam: Give it back to me now. Meredith: Okay, I was just warming it up. Pam: It’s disgusting! Meredith: It’s not a big deal. Pam: It’s not sterile! Meredith: We’re both girls. Who cares? Andy: So… how was lunch? Erin: Lunch was fine. Andy: Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be? Erin: I don’t know. It was lunch, Andy. Andy: Well, I know. [stammers] Just want… I mean… [chuckles] Oscar: Erin? I think we’re out of fax cover sheets. Erin: God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It’s easy. Kelly: [using a Cookie Monster voice] “My name is Kevin, I’m an accountant.” See I did the voice. Ryan: That’s a little derivative. Kelly: But parody is always derivative. Ryan: Uh, it’s not organic. Do you know what I mean? Pam: Jim does a really good one. Do yours. Jim: Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. “Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall.” Gabe: Guys, why don’t we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV? Jim: “Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn’t been on in many cookies.” Gabe: Ok. Andy: Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself. Michael: You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela’s not so great, so.. Andy: I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic. Michael: No. No. No. Andy: Specific shout-out.. Michael: Stop talking. Andy: Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary’s Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend… in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote [starts to use a British accent] a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It’s a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three.. Erin: [throws a piece of cake at Andy’s face] I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me. Michael: Oh God. Andy: Can we talk about this in private? Erin: I don’t want to be in private. Is it true or is it not? Andy: Yes. Erin: Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together? Pam: No, no never. Erin: Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn’t know? Dwight: Yeah pretty much. Erin: Who are you?! I don’t know you! [pushes someone away to leave] Gabe: I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue. Kevin: Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would’ve told you. Erin: Thanks. Kevin: So if you need anything, I’m right over there. Pam: [imitating Cookie Monster] “Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful.” Gabe: Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So I’m sorry, Pam, but that’s it. I’m going to have to suspend you without pay for two days. Pam: What? What do you mean, suspend me? Jim: I think you need to go a little easy. You can’t just suspend someone form work. Gabe: Yeah, you’re right. You know what? Um, you’re suspended too Jim. [Dwight starts to clap] Ok fine. You too Dwight. Dwight: Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making. Gabe: I don’t want to hear it. Suspended. Kevin: “C” is for suspension. Andy: Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary’s Day? Michael: Andy, she’s not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn’t tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That’s like.. that’s like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap. Andy: I was going to tell her, just on my own time. Michael: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can’t and won’t keep a secret. Andy: Who cares? I mean it’s not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it… I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things. Angela: Psst. Hey. Erin. Erin: You want to talk to me, come to my desk. Angela: You embarrassed me earlier. Erin: Oh. Take it up with the chief of police. Angela: You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It’s the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it. Erin: I want to throw up just thinking about it. Angela: You are throwing up for the wrong reasons! Toby: [standing behind Erin] I don’t think this fax is going through. Is there a different… I can just put it through again, you know. Pam: Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim. Erin: Really? Pam: Yeah. And he worked here too. Erin: It was Andy, wasn’t it? Pam: No, no it wasn’t Andy. It wasn’t. It doesn’t matter. It’s not about who you’ve been with. It’s about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn’t know what it wants until it finds what it wants. Erin: I hope you find what you’re looking for. Pam: Thank you. [kisses Jim on the cheek] Gabe: [talking on the phone] So I can reprimand them but I can’t suspend them. Oh I can’t do either. Uh huh. Fair enough. Pam: [answers phone] Hey Toby. Toby: I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in, but he can’t dock your pay. That’s not legal. Pam: Very interesting. Toby: Yeah, I also learned some interesting things about how they structure… Pam: [Gabe walks in] Thanks Toby. Gabe: Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I’m glad I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what’s really important. [Pam hands Jim a note] It’s not about showing you’re in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It’s about forgiveness. And yes, I’m talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologise to me, then I would revoke your suspension. Pam: I don’t think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension. Jim: And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that. Dwight: [gets up and walks towards Gabe] Prideful idiots. Watch how it’s done. [Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave] Gabriel, I apologise. Gabe: Great. Dwight: [gets on one knee] I kneel before you. Gabe: Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology. Dwight: Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition. Gabe: [following Jim and Pam to their car] Guys, to err is human. [trying to block their car] Erin: Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What’s your real name? Lionel Frankenstein? Andy: Will you stop walking for one second? That’s it. There’s no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill. Erin: How long were you guys together? Andy: A year. Erin: A year? You were together for a year? Andy: Yeah but that’s it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else… Erin: I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok? Andy: I didn’t see that movie. Gabe: [walking back into the office] That was ugly. I’m sorry you had to see that. Kelly: Do they still get paid? Gabe: It’s tacky to discuss finances. It’s best to pretend that this never happened. Oscar: Sounds like they just got to go home with pay. Meredith: Pathetic. Gabe: Can I buy everyone coffees? [everyone shakes their heads] [in Cookie Monster voice] “Or cookies.” Dwight: What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression? Gabe: Alright. Kevin: [imitating Gabe] Uh guys, I’m now going to apologise for the mess that we’re in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person. Gabe: You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I’m one of the gang. Dwight: “I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.” Kevin: “Ciao” Right? “Ciao. I say Ciao because I’m fancy from Tallahassee.” Gabe: Why don’t we say ciao to the impressions? [everyone says ciao] Erin: [sitting on bench outside groaning] Michael: Erin? Erin: Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone. Michael: No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down? Erin: I can’t trust Andy anymore. Michael: Oh. Yep. I’m sorry about that. I feel… I’m sorry I caused that thing. Erin: It’s Andy’s fault. Michael: Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn’t worry about Angela. She doesn’t hold a candle to you, Erin. She’s old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she’s, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don’t think she’s ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis. Erin: Oh, I like his butt. Michael: You said butt. Erin: You tricked me! Michael: Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him: “Hey! Hey Scott!” Andy: Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary’s Day. Oscar’s voice from the computer: Hey Kevin it’s Oscar. I’m looking at the sheet you sent me. And I can’t seem to find the column for shipping cost. Kevin: I made the most brilliant retaliation video. It’s awesome. Phyllis: I don’t get it. Jim: Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice. Pam: Yeah. “I vant to count to ten”. Kevin: But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers. Kelly: But you’re an accountant too. Oscar: Why didn’t you do Oscar the Grouch? Pam: That would have been funny. Kevin: But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple. Michael: [walking up] Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? “Oscar. I am the Count.” Nailed him. Nailed him. [Michael gives Kevin a fist pump] Kevin: Good work Cookie Monster. Kevin: Thank you.