The Cover-Up
Written By: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Rainn Wilson Transcribed By: Admin [Pam is on phone and clicking her mouse rhythmically, Jim is clicking his pen equally as much, Dwight notices] Dwight: Stop it! Jim: Stop what? Dwight: You’re talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke’s on you ’cause I know Morse Code. Ha! Jim: [chuckles] Yeah. That’s what we’re doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Jim: Yup. That’s exactly what we did. Pam: It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, “I will when you lose the baby weight.” Dwight: Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologise. [Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael! Michael: Jim. Are you clicking a detonator? Jim: It’s a pen. Dwight: Michael, come on. Michael: Get back to work, Dwight. Please. Dwight: Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically] Michael: Ooh! Things with Donna are so… oh-ho-ho! They’re going great. I, uh… we’re just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and… orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I’m actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it! Michael: Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out. Stanley: I have an idea for your weekend. Michael: Okay. Stanley: Let me get back to my desk right now. Michael: Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas. Pam: Stanley got to go. Michael: Yeah, well, Stanley doesn’t help with anything. Come on. Shout ’em out, shout ’em out. Andy: Walk around apple orchards. Michael: Oh! Andy: Super romantic. Michael: That’s fun. Dwight: Eel fishing. Michael: All right. Darryl: Curl up with your favorite DVD. Meredith: You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three. Michael: We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang’s. Kelly: Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang’s when we have the Great Wall in Scranton. Michael: Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, “I wanna go to Mount Pocono,” you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI. Kelly: Wait, that’s crazy far. Are you sure she’s not cheating? Michael: You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton. Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn’t see. Ryan: Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! It’s in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana. Michael: You guys think Donna’s cheating on me? Pam: No, Michael, no. Dwight: Are you nuts? Pam: You had a nice meal with your girlfriend in a lovely place… Michael: And… we had sex, too. Pam: That is right. Don’t make any more of it. Michael: How? Pam: How what? Michael: How do I not make any more of it? Pam: You could start by concluding this meeting. Michael: All right. [all stand up to leave] And she won’t say, “I love you.” Dwight: Oh, no. Andy: How many dates have you been on? Michael: Nine dates. I said it on the second date. Andy: Mm. Oscar: That seems… quick. Even for lesbians. Ryan: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael? Ryan: Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she… Michael: Yeah, she does all that. Ryan: Sorry, dude. Michael: No, no… Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run amok. Michael: Run what? Pam: Amok. It means, don’t let your imagination run out of control. Michael: Why didn’t you just say that, Pam? Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control. Michael: Well, that’s easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It’s stupid. I live in a fantasy world. Jim: You do? Michael: Yes, Jim, I do. And I can’t stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit. Jim: But you didn’t believe any of this was true five minutes ago. Michael: That’s what makes it so wrong. Michael: Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that’s what’s killing me. Dwight: Oh, God, that tickles. What did… Michael: [whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator. Dwight: I think I’ve got one for you. [hands Michael a business card] Michael: This is you. How much do you charge? Dwight: $100 a day, plus expenses. Michael: I’ll give you $50. Money’s no object. Dwight: I’m just gonna warn you… and I say this to all my clients… you might not like what I find. Michael: Okay. Dwight: And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table, leaves] Andy: Of course. Yeah, that’s terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire. Stanley: My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems. Andy: Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It’s really important. Gabe: There’s no way that you guys have any almond butter, right? Andy: Yeah, I don’t know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire. Gabe: That’s weird. I haven’t heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves. Andy: What are we gonna do about this? Gabe: I don’t know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do today. All right. Yeah. Andy: Let me know what they say. Darryl: [puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good. Andy: What do you mean? Darryl: You didn’t feel like he was hiding something? Andy: I don’t know. Darryl: Like he was… covering something up? Maybe. Darryl: Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said “Darryl, just wait. He’s a fool. There’s gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient.” [smiles] Dwight: [sitting on his Firebird’s hood in front of a gym] Hi stranger. Donna: Oh, hi. You work for Michael. Dwight: I work with Michael. Donna: Right. Dwight: Dwight Schrute. [they shake hands] Donna: Donna, hi. Dwight: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news. Jim: That’s interesting. Wow, it’s a little early for ice cream, don’t you think? Michael: It’s never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn’t have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives. Pam: Oh! Jim: Oh, my God Michael: It’s comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God. Jim: You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just… stop beating yourself up. Michael: I know. Well, I hope you’re right. We’ll see what Dwight says. Pam: Why do we have to see what Dwight says? Michael: Because I have him investigating her. I’m waiting for a text update. Jim: Michael, no… Pam: No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that. Michael: It’s too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok. Pam: Michael. Okay, I’m… I’m going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael. Michael: God, this is so disgusting. Pam: Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you. Michael: I know. Pam: And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you’re in. Michael: That’s not true. [Pam stares him down] Michael: You’re right, I ruin everything. And I’ve known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan. Pam: Helene. Michael: Helene? Pam: My mother. Michael: Oh. Pam: My mother, Helene. [Jim shakes his head] Michael: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life. Jim: You should stop this, [pulls away mayo and olives bowl] and you should call Dwight right now. Michael: [sighs] All right. [calls Dwight] Dwight: [at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna’s attention] Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead. Donna: Thank you. Dwight: It’s all yours. [strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head] Ah! [after first rep, Dwight is injured] Donna: You okay? Dwight: Yeah, I’m good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body? Donna: [chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about. Dwight: Tractor pulling. Too bad there’s not a tractor here. Dwight: [moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who’s next to him] Oh. Oh. Oh. [groans loudly] One thing you need to know about me. I don’t quit until something tears or pops. [chuckles] You look like you’re getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse? Donna: Nope. I’m good, thanks. Dwight: Really? Hey, um… [Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his “workout”] Old lady: Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat? Dwight: Get out of my way. Huh! Dwight: Tomorrow’s fertiliser, am I right? Donna: I’m out of here. Dwight: Donna. Donna, wait, please. I’m sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I’m here, to see… you… naked… while… I’m… naked. Donna: You stay away from me, or I’m calling security. Dwight: Donna, come… Ah! Grr! Ugh! [Dwight is too sore from his “workout” and can't chase Donna] Michael: You’re back. What happened? Dwight: Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking. Michael: No, what happened with Donna? Dwight: Yeah, no. She’s not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin] Michael: Ugh! Dwight: Put your fingers here. Michael: No. No! Are you sure? Dwight: I’m positive. Yeah, oh, and here’s your expense receipts right there. Michael: Who eats eight protein bars? Dwight: People who don’t trust egg whites. Michael: Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over. Dwight: Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she’s coming over here and she’s furious. Michael: What? No, she didn’t say that. Dwight: You’re right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] “What is with him? He is crazy. I’m coming over there to talk to him.” And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You’ll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael’s office. Michael: I am not paying for that membership. Michael: [sitting on the floor behind Erin’s desk, sighs] Ohhh… mmm… Erin: Maybe you’d be more comfortable in your own office. Michael: No, I like the attention. Is she here yet? Erin: Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes. Michael: That’s her? Erin: Yeah. Michael: Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Donna: How could you think I would cheat on you? Michael: I didn’t. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind. Donna: That’s pathetic. Michael: Ye… pfff. Well, no. It’s a lie. That’s not what happened. I just like you. I can’t believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want. Donna: When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake] Michael: If you wanna dump me, I totally get it. Donna: I told you I like you. Michael: Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs] Donna: Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would… Michael: Poop my pants. Donna: Have you ever been to Vero Beach? Michael: Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water? Donna: We’re going. Michael: We are? Donna: Yeah. Andy: What’s up? I got your email. Darryl: Close the door. Andy: Okay. Darryl: I don’t have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It’s like jazz. [scatting] Andy don’t mess with me. [continues scatting] I’ll figure something out. Darryl: Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things. Andy: Such as? Darryl: It was kind of mumbled, I don’t know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was “Andy,” “Problem,” “Eliminate,” something. I don’t know what it meant. Andy: What? You don’t know what it meant? How about “Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?” Darryl: Whoa. I hadn’t even thought of that. Andy: [chuckles nervously] Yeah. Hah. Hoo. Kelly: Oh, hey, I love your earrings. Donna: Thank you. Kelly: Did Michael get them for you? Donna: No, I bought them myself. Kelly: Where? Donna: Steamtown Mall. Kelly: Claire’s? Zales? Ricky’s? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where? Donna: You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there. Kelly: Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor’s Place? Donna: Uh, Franklin Mills. Jim: [to Pam] What? Pam: Hmm? Oh. It’s probably nothing. Pam: Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn’t Michael. Jim: Wait, so are you… you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right? Pam: No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love. Creed: Psst… [Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down] Andy: Creed’s head of quality assurance. So he’d definitely be wrapped up in this. Creed: So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell’s a chump. I would have done it for anything. I’ve done a lot more for a lot less. Pam: So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. [pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling] This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. [pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man] This photo was taken this morning. [shows a baby picture] It’s Cece. [laughs] She’s never gonna do anything wrong. Donna: Isn’t that something? Michael: Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That’s exciting. Pam: Hey, Michael. Michael: Hey. Pam: I’m sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related. Michael: Well it can wait. It can wait. Pam: I lied it’s personal. It’s about me and Jim. We’re… I just… you’re the only person I can talk to. Michael: Jim is her husband. Donna: Oh. Pam: And… Michael: And they are having problems, so sh… Pam: No, not… we’re not… we’re not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love… Michael: Good in bed. Pam: Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim. Michael: Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching? Pam: [loudly] I need you to sign this! So bad! Michael: Okay, weirdo. Pam: I love [leans over Michael’s desk to look at his computer screen]… this idea is neat. I’ve never been. It sounds lovely. [meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out] Donna: Yeah I think it’ll be a nice trip. We’re gonna get a lot done. Pam: [to Michael] You’re gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh, wow. Look at… golfing. [to Donna] Are you a golfer? Donna: I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. [Pam and Donna both laugh] Hey, you okay? [to Michael, walking away disappointedly] Michael: Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam? Pam: Absolutely. [both leave Michael’s office] Darryl: Look, I’m not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself. Glen: I know, it’s just, I’m scared… Andy: Your text said 911. Darryl: Glen, could you excuse us? [Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily] Darryl: It’s bad. Andy: What’s bad? Darryl: It’s real bad. Darryl: Still no plan. Andy: Oh, God. Darryl: It’s getting bigger. Andy: I might have to go public here, but no one’s gonna believe me. Uh… I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire. Darryl: I can videotape it. Andy: Yeah. Darryl: [to camera] There it is. Andy: There what is? Darryl: What? Michael: Who the hell is this? Who is this guy? Pam: I don’t know who he is. Michael: God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what? Pam: What? Michael: I’m gonna kill him. No, I’m not. I feel… I… no, I’m not going to kill him. Pam: You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her. Michael: I have to hear it from her. Pam: You have to settle down first. Michael: I need to have her tell me herself. Right? Pam: Okay. Okay. Yes. Michael: I need to have her say… Pam: Yeah, but you have to calm… Michael: I need to say, “What the hell is that? What the hell is that?” Pam: Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture. Michael: No, God! No, no, oh, my God! Pam: [in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael Michael: [calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay. Gabe: [to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We’ve investigated. Every time it’s been user error. They block the vents or something, I don’t know. That’s why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I’d like to reward you for that. [pulls out gift card] That’s god for five bucks at Dunkin’ Donuts. Any Dunkin’ Donuts. [Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him] Michael: You know what? We should really do something fun this week. Donna: Yeah, we should. Michael: Wouldn’t that be fun? Donna: Yeah. Michael: How about Thursday? Donna: Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do? Michael: I can’t do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday? Donna: Oh, Friday doesn’t work. Michael: Oh, really? ’cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It’d be a great, great concert. Donna: Shoot. I’m working. Michael: Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by. Donna: Well, won’t you be at the concert? Michael: Nope, that’s Tuesday. Donna: Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday. Michael: You’re cheating. You’re cheating on me. Donna: How do you know? Michael: Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor] Pam: [gasps] Did she see me? Jim: [to Pam on floor] Nice effort. Andy: [in old Michael Scott Paper Company’s “office”] We’re printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy’s demonstration] Darryl: You haven’t even introduced yourself. Andy: Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you’re watching this, it’s because I’ve turned State’s witness because I’m in danger because I know too much. Darryl: You should talk in a higher voice ’cause the camera makes you sound weird. Andy: Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention… Darryl: Higher. [motions with hand to go up more] Andy: Make it higher? Okay. Darryl: Mm-hmm Andy: [high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation… Darryl: One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher] Andy: [higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger… [printer starts smoking and explodes] ah! [speaking lower] It’s working. [in normal voice] It’s… I knew it! Darryl: This… [removes camera headset] Andy: We are blowin’ the roof off! Blowin’ the roof off! [Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He’s been my partner through this entire thing. Darryl: I don’t wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It’s not funny. I’m just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore. Michael: Who is he? Donna: What, what do you mean? Michael: The other man. Who’s the guy? Who is it? Donna: It’s you. I’m married. Michael: I’m the mistress? Dwight: [on workout bicycle at gym] Okay, everybody, let’s take this next hill. Gym Instructor: Excuse me. Yeah, I’d appreciate it if you’d just let me run this. Dwight: You know what? You had your chance. You’re no leader. Out of your seat, let’s blast! Gym instructor: Don’t listen to him, we’re approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill. Dwight: No! The hill’s a trap. Let’s take the dirt road off to the side. Gym instructor: No, guys, no. We’re just cooling down… Dwight: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one… jump! No! [points to those around him] You’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead. Good jump. You’re barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate.