The Chump
Written By: Aaron Shure Directed By: Randall Einhorn Transcribed By: Admin Toby: This here is a radon test kit. [holding out tiny cylinder disc] Okay I will be putting ’em everywhere. And… please don’t throw these out. [starts snapping towards Michael’s face] This is a radon test kit. [continues snapping] Please don’t throw these out. [Michael gives annoyed look] See them all over the office. Michael: Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. [finds radon kit in between his blinds in his office] But I figured I’d rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. [throws it away] The second time… I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. [finds another radon kit on top of his cabinet] Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time… I did it out of spite. [takes radon kit from the top of the blinds of his office window and slams it into the trash can] Michael: Pfffffttt. Toby: Come on, Michael. You’re interrupting. Michael: You’re kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this? Toby: Please sit down. Michael: You know what? We’re not gonna die of radon, we’re gonna die of boredom. Everyone: YEAH! [laughter] Michael: Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice. Everyone: No. No! Jim: That’s… not okay. Michael: Okay, alright. Dwight: You were being really funny, and then you went too far. Michael: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby. Dwight: No, hmmm… that’s still… Everyone: Mm-mm. Michael: Okay geniuses, how would you do it? Creed: Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted. Oscar: All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden… Ryan: Is there a curtain rod in the room? Michael: I don’t know. Stanley: How about make-believe land has anything you want? Jim: Stanley, please, this is serious! Angela: Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there’s no evidence? Michael: Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle. Dwight: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here’s how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. [stands up and points to Phyllis] Phyllis, you’re Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you’re Toby. Andy, you’re Bin Laden. Line up, throats together. Toby: I don’t wanna do this. Michael: [shouting] Toby, just do it! God! Dwight: Toby, come on. [Andy lines up to the right of Toby and Phyllis is on his left] Dwight: Ready, one bullet. And boom! [makes shooting noises and mimics a bullet with his fingers tapping Phyllis’ throat, then Toby’s, and finally Andy’s] Everyone: Yeah, that works. That works! Michael: Good work. [clapping] Pam: What flavors did you get? [yawns] Erin: It’s so exciting Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60. Pam: [reading flavors] Despera-dough. Witchy-womanilla. Why do they do this? Erin: Do you want me to go back to the store? Pam: No, no, no, it’s fine. I was just commenting. We gotta get these out, open ’em up. Erin: This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married. Pam: Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we’re just trying to get out in front of this. Erin: After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That’s what Pam told me. Pam: [yawns] Yeah, or no… well… I don’t know. I’m sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I’d be running this. Erin: That’s okay. You probably shouldn’t keep a baby up that late, though. Erin: We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him. Pam: And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up. Erin: He’s coming. Pam: Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get’s like this, he will wallow, if you empathise. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don’t know what to do, make a random sound effect okay? Farting noise, whatever. Okay. Toby: [walks in] Hey everyone. Pam: No, out! Get out now! Leave now. Dwight: Leave, get outta here. Pam: Leave! Dwight: Right now! Pam: Oh, and if he makes a joke, just laugh it up, no matter what. Okay? Michael: [walks in] Morning everyone. Everyone: Hey! [applauses] Hey, hey! Erin: Hi Michael. [gives him a hug] Michael: Hello! Dwight: Michael, nice tie or something. Michael: Oh, thank you. It’s reversible, I think. [everyone laughs] Kevin: That’s hilarious. Pam: That’s awesome. You want some ice cream? Michael: Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles’ flavors? Cake it to the Limit. That’s my favorite! I love that! Too much for me to have by myself. Anybody wanna share? Kevin: Boi-oi-oi-ing Michael: Okay. Well… that’s random. I will dig into those later. Lawyer: I don’t follow this exactly. Uh, “The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have…” Dwight and Angela: Joint custody Lawyer: Are we talking about your grandchildren? Angela: No. Dwight: No. Angela: Rather than spend all day in court, we’ve decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our childrearing contract. Dwight: Alleged contract. Angela: Alleged? I’m going to own your farm by the time this is over. Dwight: Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! [pretends to karate chop her neck] See, don’t even need to make contact. The law will do it. Dwight: So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point “B”, uh… the beet juice cleanse? Angela: I’m doing it. You know I am. It’s disgusting. Dwight: How do we know this? I’d like to see a stool sample. Angela: Dwight, look at my teeth. [shows teeth, beet red] Dwight: Eughh. [looks disgusted] Andy: No secret crying. Hasn’t even opened the tissue box in there. Pam: Could he still be seeing her? Phyllis: I don’t think he’d do that. Jim: So we’re gonna say the most likely scenerio is that Michael matured overnight? Andy: Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big. Jim: Exactly. It happened in Big. Michael: No, I gotta go. Text me later. Jim: I’m really too tired to do this. Pam: Me too! Jim: Then let’s just not do this. Do you have any idea the risks involved? Pam: Hey Michael. Michael: Hey. Pam: We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight, in our home, and play with our baby. Jim: We can order in from Hooters. Michael: Oh, Hooters to go. Nice. Pam: We can watch a movie and play Rock Band. Jim: Billy Joel Rock Band. Michael: That… exists? Pam: Yes. Michael: Okay, well, I’ll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer. Pam: [shouts] Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna? Michael: Okay, Pam… she’s not invisible so stop asking silly questions. Phyllis: Oh Michael. Michael: Since when is this an office where we delve into each other’s personal lives? Michael: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband… or you took a random poll, yeah, it’s wrong. Meredith: That is something I would never do. Michael: Well, I think we all know what you’re capable of Meredith. Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with. Meredith: I ask… everyone in the room, “Are you in a relationship?”. Michael: People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers. Kelly: Eughh, Ryan, I do not want you hanging around Michael anymore. Ryan: Okay. Michael: I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer. Andy: How does he feel about it? Michael: He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. [points to Andy] It was right under his nose. I had to tell him. Jim: Now you’re just being hurtful. Michael: I’m sorry, it… why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat… Phyllis: Hey! Michael: On her diet! He’s a sports guy. He’s scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit. Andy: Did Donna tell you that? Michael: Real sports with Bryant Gumble. Andy: So you’re just making a giant assumption. You don’t even know the guy. Michael: You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson. Andy: My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I’ve lived the part. And let me tell you, I’d so much rather play the part on stage. Andy: So… here’s the thing about infidelity. Michael: Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy. Andy: How does that work? Michael: Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he’s an angel? I don’t think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him. Andy: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You’re Ali Larter, I’m Beyonce. Michael: I am Beyonce always. Andy: Not this time. Michael: Yes, I am. Andy: This guy’s a high school baseball coach, right? Let’s go check him out, see what a horrible person he is. Michael: I would love that. Andy: Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let’s go check it out. Michael: I have work to do. Andy: Oh, really? I thought you were the boss. Michael: Let’s go. [starts walking towards the elevator] I can’t wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he’s making me do to her. Andy: [humming Call to Post] Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum Michael: All right, Andy, please. Andy: Baseball! Michael: Shh! Try not to draw attention, please. That’s him. That’s him. Andy: Where? Michael: Right there. The coach! Andy: Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees! Michael: Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base? Andy: [announcer’s voice] And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain. Michael: All right. Can you just– can you just act normal for a second, please? Andy: Whatever. I’m the one blending in. Gabe: [ahem][Pam snores] Guys? Jim: Pam. Pam: Mm. Hey. Oh, hi, Gabe. Gabe: Can you two please join me in my office? Now. Pam: You were supposed to be the Lookout. Jim: Yeah, well it’s really warm in here. It’s like a sleeping bag. Gabe: I don’t wanna be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad. Jim: Sorry about that. Pam: So embarrassing. Gabe: Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know, the power dynamics. Jim: Well, you were surprisingly restrained. Pam: We will be well-rested tomorrow. Gabe: Okay. That’s great, actually, because I wanted to talk to you about something else. Jim: Excellent. Go for it. Gabe: I’m sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on. [Jim and Pam struggling to stay awake] Anyway, the question is, what is the best way to disseminate important information in an efficient way? Jim: Right? So, uh, let’s uh… Lawyer: Finally there’s a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button. Angela: Same page. Go to the next one. Dwight: Same page. Just keep moving. Lawyer: Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix– Dwight: Which we can’t know. Lawyer: This is essentially… Dwight: Unless we’re unplugged. Lawyer: Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor. Dwight: And wake up in the future. Lawyer: Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract. Dwight: What? Lawyer: Look, I can’t enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else. Angela: What? Lawyer: So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000. Dwight: What? Dwight: I don’t have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don’t want to dig past a certain someone to get it. Andy: Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play. Michael: You have no idea what you’re talking about. Andy: I know it’s like cricket. Michael: You don’t. No, no. Andy: And it’s–there’s– well, home plate is like a wicket. Michael: You don’t know. You don’t– you don’t know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn’t even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it’s like, “Hey, Donna, why don’t you wash the dishes?” “High-five, Donna.” “Hey, why don’t you bring me my slippers?” “Hi-five. I’m taking all the credit.” Andy: Seems pretty well liked by the team. Michael: Okay, well, that’s because he’s paying their salary. Andy: You do know that high school coaches don’t pay their players. Michael: I know, I know, I know. It–I’m–it– that was a euphemism. Dwight: $30,000? There’s gotta be another way. Angela: He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune. Dwight: Look, I will not pay. Angela: Well, I have an alternative.[hands Dwight a document] Dwight: “Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?” Lawyer: Look, I don’t think that’s actually legal. Dwight: Agreed. [shakes hands with Angela] Dwight: Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses. Dwight: But not in your bed. It’s lumpy. Angela: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy. Dwight: Fine. Five times. [signs contract] Lawyer: Look, I can’t legally watch this unfold. It’s coming a little dangerously close to prostitution. Angela: I want eye contact. Dwight: No. Angela: Yes. Dwight: Do you understand how rare is that in nature? Angela: I’m not some farm animal. [Dwight smirks at the camera] Andy: Great game, coach. Michael: Shh! Okay, all right. Don’t, don’t. Andy: You guys are awesome! Best game I’ve ever seen in my life. Shane: Yeah, right. You must be rootin’ for the other guys. Andy: Ha. The other guys can go die. Michael: [whispers] Okay. Andy: Baseball! Go talk to him. Michael: No. God. You go talk to him. Shane: Let’s go. Andy: Shane. Great game man! Shane: Do I know you? Andy: No. Uh, just big fans. Both of us. Shane: Are you somebody’s… parents? Oh, are you guys… Kenny’s dads? Andy: Ha. No. No. But we’re gay for baseball. [chuckles] Shane: Okay. Andy: But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot. Shane: Okay. Let’s go! Andy: Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage. Shane: Whoa! Andy: I mean, isn’t marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, getting all committed to each other. So you love baseball. What else do you love? Let’s round you out as a person. Shane: Hey, I’m really sorry, I’m just trying to… focus here on the game. Andy: I get it, man. I love it. That’s what makes you a good coach. You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife. Shane: Of course. Okay? I gotta… get back to this. Andy: Of course. Shane: All right. Andy: But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon! Michael: No, no, no. Andy: Come on, get over here. Michael: I’m good. Oh, my God. Andy: Get- Get over here. Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach. Michael: Sorry. I got some stomach cramps. Shane: It’s all right. It’s all right. Keep it going. Michael: Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo! Whoo. My heart’s still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, “I’m sleeping with your wife.” And you know who does that? James freakin’ Bond. Michael: Okay, orange slices. There ya go. Erin: Thanks, Michael. Michael: Don’t thank me. Thank Dylan’s mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo! Oscar: Why would you throw something wet at me? Michael: You love it. There ya go. Jim: Now, were those for the team? Michael: Uh, no, they didn’t say team. They just said coal Hawks. Jim: Ah. Pam: I don’t think those were yours to take. Michael: Well, then it wouldn’t be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane. Andy: I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair, and I went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior. Pam: Did you talk to him? Michael: I did. Pam: You talked to the man whose wife you’re having an affair with. Kevin: Wow. That is crazy. Phyllis: Was there a fistfight? Michael: No. We just talked. He’s very nice. Phyllis: And it didn’t change your mind. Michael: It did not. Phyllis: Michael, that’s awful. Michael: Isn’t it? Phyllis: Yes. Michael: I’m awful, aren’t I? Kevin: Yeah. That’s pretty bad. Michael: I’m an awful guy! Ooh! Oscar: How can you live with yourself? Michael: I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now, I want a piece of cake. From now on, when I’m hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for. Kevin: That is a dangerous game, friendo. Kelly: Well, because I thought that it was a book about Anthropology the store. Ryan: I don’t know why you were in that part of the bookstore. Kelly: ‘Cause it’s next to they baby section, okay? Ryan: All right, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning when you said, “I read a book about anthropology.” Kelly: I don’t really know why you’re screaming at me right now. Ryan: I’m not scream– I’m not screaming. Kelly: That’s Meredith’s cake. It’s her birthday. Michael: I don’t care. I have an appetite for life! [eats cake] Mmm. Mmm! Oh, god. That’s Lemon. Ryan: Good for you, man. Good for you. Ryan: He takes what he wants. Ryan: You know what? I think you’re attractive, and I wanna sleep with you. Erin: What about Kelly? Ryan: You read my mind. Erin: [quietly] Is this a joke? Ryan: Yep. Ryan: It’s hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I-I don’t know how you do it, Michael, I-I-I can’t be that cold. Michael: You’ll learn, baby. You’ll learn. Dwight: [pressing buttons to start microwave and moves towards his crotch] I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don’t have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, [banging on his crotch with drum sticks] but they’re no match for a grown Schrute man. [drops yellow pages against his crotch] [screaming] [chuckling] Let’s see what she gets. [bouncing crotch on bike and crashes into glass door] [thud] Aah! Creed: [Michael leaving copy machine] Uh, boss, we’re out of paper. Michael: Yeah, I noticed that. Creed: Are you gonna add any more? Michael: Nope. Creed: He don’t give an “F” about nothin’! Michael: I have got big balls. Pam: I don’t think I’m gonna make it. Jim: [yawning] What about an energy drink or something? Pam: [shakes head] It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later. Jim: Well, it doesn’t mean I can’t drink it. Pam: Well, it does and it doesn’t. Darryl: Probably shouldn’t tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so… we have a place. Jim: A place? Darryl: A restful location. Talk to Glen. He’ll take you up in the lift. Pam: You sleep in the warehouse? Darryl: Lightbulb’s burnt out, so it’s dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I’m trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn’t exist, okay? Jim: Okay. Darryl: Pam. Pam: Okay. Phyllis: For your signature. [drops document on Michael’s desk] Michael: Okay. [Phyllis avoids looking at Michael] Phyllis. Okay. Look at me. [continues to look away] Phyllis, look at– [Phyllis turns to leave] okay, that’s… [chases after her] All right, all right. You know what? I’m sick of this. I’m sick of the little disapproving head shakes. If you think that’s going to have any effect on me, it will not. I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna. Kevin: Why not your condo? Michael: Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we’re into isn’t very condo-appropriate. Stanley: Oh, Michael, will you drop it? Everybody’s spoken their mind, and no one’s changing their mind. Michael: Okay, Morgan Freeman-narrating-everything. Andy: Do you want someone to stop you? ‘Cause no one’s going to. Michael: Nobody better try to stop me. Good. [leaves the office. door closes] Dwight: I could have stopped him. Dwight: Are you warmed up? [outside sliding door in warehouse] Angela: No. Dwight: God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? [zipper sound] Angela: What did you do to yourself? [camera pans to Jim and Pam laying down in restful location] Dwight: Never mind. Just never mind. Angela: Well, it better work. Dwight: Oh, it’ll work. [Jim and Pam look shocked and disturbed] Mm. Stop kissing me. It’s not in the contract. Michael: [driving in car; returns to office; grabs ice cream out of freezer] How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. [beeping; cut to Donna who is waiting in the parking lot of the motel] Like a grownup.[Donna receives text from phone] That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I’m a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. [Donna has disappointed look; cut back to Michael in his office opening ice cream] At the end of the day, we have to do what’s right. And it was either living with myself or… being happy. And I picked… the… former. Reporter: Michael Scott? Michael: Yes? Reporter: Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors? Michael: [sighs] Umm… I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologise to… the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again. Reporter: I’m talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire. Michael: Oh. Okay. I was talking about… what do– what? What’s going on?