Andy’s Play
Written By: Charlie Grandy Directed By: Paul Lieberstein Transcribed By: Admin Erin: Andy? [Andy starts boombox and begins singing ‘The Ballad of Sweeney Todd’] Jim: Yes! [as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song] Erin: Did you write this? Andy: No. Erin: Who did? Andy: Steven Sondheim. Erin: Who is he? [rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing] Angela: What the hell is happening? Andy: We’re the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing. Michael: [cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song] That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up? Andy: Like a month ago. Michael: Really? They didn’t call me. Who am I playing? …Andy? Andy: Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It’s closing night. Tomorrow, we have to give the theater over to the Scranton’s Miss Fitness pageant. Erin: I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can’t come. Sorry. Andy: What? That’s awful. Everyone’s gonna miss that guy. Andy: Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It’s so powerful, even a lot of men can’t resist a man singing show tunes. Erin: Oh, who else is going? Andy: Everyone. Erin: Gabe seemed to think no one was going. Andy: What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You’re all coming to my show tonight, right? Michael: Andy, what time’s the show? Andy: 8pm sharp. Michael: How long is it? Andy: Hour forty-five. Michael: Nope, can’t make it. Michael: They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy’s play, they took mine. Andy: Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right? Pam: Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I’m really sorry. Andy: Dwight? Dwight: Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap. Andy: It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight. Michael: I can’t Andy, it’s too hard. That’s--I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that? Andy: If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer. Michael: Wow. Andy: This guy’s like world-class. You should not feel bad. I’m asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show? Michael: I wish I could, Andy, but I can’t. I have plans that night. I’m going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You’re that friend. I’m going to see your play. Andy: Noishe! Michael: And scene. Angela: Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy’s play tonight. Dwight: Please, waste of time. You know what? Let’s just knock this out right now. Disrobe. Dwight: Angela? Don’t like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her. Dwight: Give me the punch card. Angela: No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show. Dwight: That is not in the contract. Angela: Well, there’s a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate? Dwight: Alright, fine. I’ll go to your little show, but I’m not wearing a cape. Angela: Thank you. Angela: Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. [faint smile] Andy: Hey, how are those salads? Jim: It’s my own fault-- Andy: My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just--tonight, if you could… Pam: We’ll keep looking. Andy: Yes! Jim: Really? Pam: I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about. Andy: Oh my gosh, that would be amazing. Pam: Yeah. Jim: For a lot of reasons. Andy: Yeah, I know. Neiche! Michael: Oh, hey guys. Stanley: You brought balloons to a play? Michael: I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers. Phyllis: It’s nice, like Up. Michael: Yes. Usher: Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition? Michael: Nope. Andy: Guys? All: Hey! Andy! Andy: You all made it, thank you so much. Jim: You should actually thank Erin, she’s the one who agreed to babysit. Andy: She’s babysitting? Erin: I really wanted to see Andy’s play, because he’s so, so talented. But I’ve been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It’s almost like a babysitters club. Andy: I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her. Michael: [trying to stuff balloons below the seats] This is ridiculous. You’d think they’d discourage people from bringing in balloons. Darryl: Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber. Michael: No, Darryl. This guy’s a world-class actor. He doesn’t daylight as your plumber. Darryl: No, it’s my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently, the director discovered him doing karaoke. It’s his first play. He didn’t even audition. Michael: Are you kidding me? Darryl: Shhh. If we don’t listen to the overture, we won’t recognise the musical themes when they come back later. Michael: All right, I’m sorry. God. Usher: Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. [Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael] Kelly: Ooooh! Dwight: [whispering to man sitting beside him] I work with that guy. Angela: [after taking her gum out] Ugh! There’s gum on the seat and now it’s on my work skirt. I have to go change. Dwight: Too bad I’m not gonna explain anything that you miss. Angela: Oh, Dwight, just move. Dwight: [whispering to man sitting beside him] His name’s Andy. He’s a terrible salesman. Kelly: What time is it? [Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad] Shelby: Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director. Michael: Hello. Shelby: I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto… Michael: Okay. Shelby: We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott. Michael: Okay. Shelby: Yes? Michael: Yes. Shelby: Good. Michael: Good. Shelby: Enjoy the second act. Michael: You enjoy the second act. Shelby: Have a refreshment. Michael: Thank you. You, too. [steals a bottle of wine from the bar] Angela: Come on, Dwight. Dwight: Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model? Angela: These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car. Dwight: Let’s go. Pam: Hey, Erin, it’s Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don’t put Cece on the phone, because she can’t talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything’s going. Yeah? Yeah? It’s good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it’s fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he’s really sorry you couldn’t make it, too. Yeah. So, thank you so much, again. We’re having a great time. Oh, they’re flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything’s fine! Jim: Everything’s fine. Pam: We can relax. Jim: We can relax. Let’s get our Sweeney on. Meredith: [seeing Michael drink from wine bottle] Michael! [bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin] Andy: Just checking my emails. See if I got any last-minute “break a legs” or “I still love you” type texts. Doesn’t look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall. Creed: [on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph. Andy: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her! Sweeney Todd: You found Johanna. Andy: That monster of a judge has locked her-- [cell phone chiming] Locked her away. [phone continues ringing] Sweeney Todd: There’s a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. [audience laughs] Michael: How is that funny? Sweeney Todd: The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your… bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs! Andy: Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He’s gone to sleep now, I’ve closed his beak. [Michael laughs] Sweeney Todd: What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna? Andy: [text message chime] You know what? Let me just double check, that bird… Okay, good. It’s off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I’ve killed it! I’m a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you’re a murderer. My character doesn’t know that yet. But I’m suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you’re a barber, so that’s legit. So, there’s that. But… Sweeney Todd: [yelling] Where is Johanna? Andy: A madhouse. Sweeney Todd: A madhouse? Andy: Yes, a madhouse. Sweeney Todd: A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? [Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons] Andy: Do you think… [bottle rolling] so you think… [bottle rolling, clanking] Sweeney Todd: Fogg’s Asylum, why not? [balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying] Pam: Sounds like Cece. Jim: Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax. Pam: [sees Erin holding Cece] Oh, my God! Go, go! Jim: Oh, my God. Andy: [excited] That’s really irresponsible of Erin. She’s a terrible babysitter. Erin: I just didn’t think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home. Jim: Okay, this was pretty simple-- Pam: Why are you here? Jim: [overlapping with Pam] Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed. Pam: What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don’t… you know, babies shouldn’t have ice cream, by the way. Erin: I’m sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything. Jim: Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or… Erin: Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital? Pam: You know what? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Erin: Why don’t I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want. Jim: No, we’re good. Thank you, though. Erin: Okay. Alright, bye Cece. Pam: Okay. Jim: Alright, well, we’re never leaving the house again. Pam: Not together! Michael: [during curtain call for Sweeney Todd] Boo! Boo! Angela: That was more horrifying than Nunsense. Dwight: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders. Angela: Where’s my car? Come on. Michael: Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it’s dried. I’ve already eaten, like, 30 apricots. Sweeney Todd: Darryl? Darryl: Hey! Sweeney Todd: Didn’t know you were gonna be here. How’s the toilet? Darryl: Silent. Look, congratulations. Sweeney Todd: Thank you. Darryl: I had no idea. This plumber has pipes! Michael: Yeah, good job. Well done. Sweeney Todd: You’re the guy who booed me. Michael: Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn’t one of em. Sweeney Todd: No, I saw you, and you were the only one. Michael: Get your eyes checked, chucklehead. Creed: Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work. Sweeney Todd: Thank you. Darryl: You didn’t have to boo him. Michael: Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn’t think it was indicative of how people were really feeling. Darryl: How would you like it if we booed you? Michael: That would never happen. Darryl: Boo! Boo! Michael: Okay. I appreciate the feedback. Darryl: Boo! Boo! Michael: I don’t like that at all. Andy: Are you ready? Erin: Yes. Oh, I’m so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me! Andy: [pretends to slit her throat] Ah! Blood everywhere. Erin: Oh, no. I’m so glad we’re hanging out again outside of work. Andy: Yeah, me, too. Erin: Okay, I kill you now. Andy: Okay. Dwight: All right, let’s do this. Angela: No, actually, Dwight, I didn’t realise how far this walk was, and I--I’m exhausted. Dwight: It’s okay, I smell. Angela: No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it’s okay. This can count as one of your times. Dwight: No, no, no. Contractually we’re obligated to have sex. Angela: Well, I won’t tell if you don’t. Dwight: I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What--what are you… [Angela reaches into his pocket] Okay. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. [Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card] Angela: Good night, Dwight. Dwight: Good night. Andy: These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here. Erin: This is awesome. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy’s cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That’s broth, Gabe. Okay, I--I’ll see you soup. [hangs up] Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I’m really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I’ll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise. Andy: Awesome. Erin: Okay. Andy: See you later. Erin: Thank you. Jim: [attempting to move car seat] It’s like The Hurt Locker! Pam: This night was a disaster. Jim: No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn’t a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream. Pam: Yeah? Jim: We could put that in orange juice. Pam: Get it. Jim: Yeah? Pam: Let’s get our juice on. Jim: Yeah! Phyllis: Found him! Michael: Hey, what’s going on here? Post-show blues? Andy: Yeah, I guess you could say that. Michael: Yeah, I get those every day after work. Phyllis: Your show was really great, Andy. Stanley: Interesting subject matter. I’m surprised you pulled it off. Andy: It was like amateur hour. Oscar: It was an amateur production, technically. Michael: Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome. Andy: Stop just saying that. Michael: I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse. Andy: Thank you. That feels good. Michael: I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity. Darryl: Andy, sing us another song. Andy: Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now. Phyllis: Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight. Michael: Come on, Andy, seriously. All: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy: Okay, all right, all right, all right. Andy: [sings Macy Gray’s “I Try” and everyone joins in] Michael: In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I’m just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone’s tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn’t a victim, if you know what I’m talkin about. Shelby: Thanks you. Michael: No, that was--I’m just getting into the first act.