Sex Ed
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Paul Lieberstein Transcribed By: Admin Dwight: [driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work] Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! [man walks away] Que? QUE? Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish] Son: We don’t go with that man. I’ve seen several men go with that man and not come back. Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish] Son: We’ve lost friends. Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish] Son: We don’t know what he does with them. Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish] Son: I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Dwight: I pick up day laborers and tell them they’ll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it’s Canada. Nate: Hola amigo. Dwight: Hola, tu es une buena worker? Nate: Si, yo muy bueno worker. Dwight: Y el accento, donde are you from? Nate: Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia. Dwight: You speak English? Nate: Yes, I’m really good at English. Dwight: Okay, good. Me too, get in the car. Nate: [quietly] Okay. Dwight: [nods to camera] Angela: [seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot] Who’s this guy by our cars? Dwight: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you’ll be happy to know that he’s taking care of that hornet’s nest that you’ve been griping about. Phyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress. Dwight: Poor hornet. Dwight: [looking outside through the window] I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he’ll conquer the hornets… Ryan: But if he doesn’t? Dwight: He’ll die. Kelly: What? Andy: Uhh, beg your pardon? Dwight: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted? Nate: [picks up blowtorch] Kelly: Is that a blow torch?! Pam: No. No no no! [nos coming from all employees] Dwight: Interesting choice… Pam: [Nate starts walking away from hornet’s nest, puts down the blowtorch] Yes! Andy: Very very smart. Pam: Yeah, go away. [Kelly nodding] Nate: [picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet’s nest] Employees except Dwight: No! No no! Dwight: A bat! Impressive… Andy: Oh it’s stinging him! Ow! Ow! [yelling all around the office] Michel: [walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on] Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages? Erin: [giggles] Terrific! Michael: There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves… other things as well. Phyllis: [seeing a large red spot on Michael’s lip] God! Wow! Michael: [shying away] Look, [sighs] It’s a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive. Phyllis: That’s no pimple Michael. Michael: You mean cancer? Pam: What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer. Pam: It’s just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town. Meredith: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It’s just a cold sore. Michael: It is? Meredith: Yup, just a cold sore. Michael: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don’t have acne. I have a cold sore. I don’t even have a cold. I don’t know how I got it. Kevin: I know how you got it. [smug expression on his face] Michael: How? Kevin: Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes. Michael: What? Pam: Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don’t know what that is. Meredith: I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That’s what it is. Kevin: I never seen herpes on you. Meredith: Because it’s on my genitals, genius. Kevin: You have a penis? Andy: Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs? Michael: Yeah! My last physical when I was forty. Jim: That was like, ten years ago. Michael: No! It was like four years ago! Kevin: Michael, you’re at least forty six! Michael: Why at least? If you’re guessing forty six just say forty six. [later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore] Kelly: Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is? Angela: This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse. Andy: You know what guys, why don’t we just chill out on this herp-chat. Okay? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance. Kelly: I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs. Oscar: I don’t even wanna know these things! Meredith: [walking in] Hey guys! [Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room] Michael: How did this happen, how did I get this? Dwight: Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it. Michael: You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It’s me own damn fault. Woman in every port. Dwight: What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por… Michael: Don’t even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her. Dwight: You may have… Michael: Oh my God! What if I did? Dwight: You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes. Michael: Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her. Dwight: You need to contact every woman you’ve been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It’s the right thing to do. Michael: There’s no way I’m gonna do that. Dwight: Then I will. Michael: [makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up] Dwight: No, I’m no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I’m no doctor. I’m just a normal guy who enjoys revenge. Donna: [on phone] Hello? Michael: Hi Donna. It’s Michael. Donna: Michael, I didn’t think I’d here from you. How have you been? Michael: I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me. Donna: Oh no. Michael: I can’t even say it. H-I… Donna: Oh my God. Michael: …R-P-E-E-S Donna: Wait, you’re calling to tell me that you have herpes? Michael: No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right? Donna: Ummm, no. Michael: Does your stupid husband have it? Donna: No! He doesn’t. Are you telling me I have to get tested? Michael: Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye! Dwight: So long Donna! [Michael hangs up] Andy: Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please? Stanley: Not again… Andy: What do you mean again? Stanley: You’re always asking for our attention. Andy: Maybe like a year ago… Stanley: Seems recent. Andy: No, that’s… Oscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone’s attention, and it seems like you’ve done it on several occasions. Andy: Everyone, I’ve noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices. Phyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that’s when you asked for everyone’s attention. Stanley: [agreement around the office] That’s what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores. Andy: It’s the world’s only international sport! [sits down] Holly: [on phone] This is Holly. Michael: No this is Holly. Holly: No this is Holly. Michael: No this is Holly. Holly: No, this is Michael Scott. Michael: Busted. So what can I do for you Holly. Holly: I am calling because, there’s a terrible crash! Michael: Oh really? Was anyone killed? Holly: A lot of people. Michael: Any nuns? Holly: Three nuns, [Michael laughs] from a Missionary in South Africa. Michael: [Dwight looks confused to the camera] Were they in the missionary position? [Holly laughs] Andy: [singing] Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. [stops singing] Yeah, now you’re looking at me. Anyone who’s interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break. Michael: [still on phone with Holly] Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn’t been transferred? Holly: Yeah. Michael: We would have twins. [Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael’s “herpes”] Holly: I don’t think we’d have kids. Michael: Mmhmm! Holly: It was just for a few weeks! Michael: Mhhmm! We would be married. Holly: [sternly] Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know. Michael: Do what? Holly: You romanticise things. Michael: I don’t romanticise th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing ‘Yes you do’] No… Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up. Michael: He had no arms or legs, he couldn’t hear see, or speak… This is how he let a nation. Holly: You made ourselves to be more than we were. Michael: We were more than we were. Holly: I don’t know what you’re getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory. Michael: Okay, alright I gotta go. Holly: Michael… [Michael hangs up] Dwight: [to the camera] He forgot to mention the herpes. Michael: It didn’t come up organically. Jan: [to a client] …to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. [Seeing Michael and Dwight] Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it’ll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. [to client again] The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to… Jan: How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I’d tell you. Michael: It’s nice to see you doing so well. Jan: Yeah I’m really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. [laughs] We’re loving it, yeah. I’m kind of a supermom. Michael: Bringing home the bacon. Jan: Yeah. [singing] Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget… [laughs] I love that commercial. Dwight: I don’t understand the reference. Jan: Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call. Dwight: We had to come over right away, it’s urgent. Michael has something to tell you. [Michael shushes him] Jan: Are you gonna keep me in suspense? [Michael sighs] Michael: [after long wait, to Dwight] Would you excuse us… Dwight: Okay, I’m gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Okay, is there a, an operating theater that’s open to visitors? Never mind I’ll find it. Michael: He hasn’t changed. Jan: No, so what couldn’t wait? Michael: Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was? Jan: Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem. Michael: What? Jan: You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Okay, I’m in. Andy: So, guys. I’ve been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we’re better than that. Okay, now I’m going to show you a picture of genitalia. [grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man] Erin: Andy… Andy: What, is it because he’s black? Jim: Nope, it’s because it’s genitalia. Andy: Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I’m going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. [Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out] Jim: Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see? Andy: It’s normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It’s just as normal as anyone else’s. Jan: No! In the beginning we were not good. Michael: Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin! Jan: Well if there’s anything exciting about it it’s because we both knew it was wrong! Michael: Because we work together. Jan: No, okay. Imagine there’s a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn’t like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn’t like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen! Michael: Am I the princess? Jan: No I’m the princess, and the queen. Michael: [sighs] Okay, so I’m the guy at the station. Astrid: Mommy! Jan: Assy! Awwhhh how was school? Astrid: It was cool. Jan: [singing] What did you learn? Astrid: What did I learn? Jan: You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we’re all, sisters and brothers. Michael: I have herpes. Michael: I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong… Andy: Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences? Kevin: It feels unbelievable! Andy: [writing on board] Okay, I guess I can make a pros column. Feels… Kevin: …unbelievable. Phyllis: The ability to express love physically. It’s a magical thing. Andy: Express love, magical. Kevin: It feels amazing! Andy: Umm, okay is that different from feels unbelievable? Kevin: Yes. Andy: Then I will write it down. Creed: The feeling of pure risk. Andy: I actually had that down in the cons column, but… Creed: It’s thrilling. Andy: Okay, umm. I’ll move that. Thrill of risk. Erin: Andy, aren’t there also negatives to sex? Andy: Yes! Thank you! Such as? Erin: Unplanned pregnancy. Andy: Yes, unplanned pregnancy. Kelly: Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat? Kevin: Just admit that your baby was a mistake. Pam: Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise. Jim: Good! Darryl: I’m sure they don’t regret having their child, let’s move it to the pros. Jim and Pam: Thank you! Andy: Okay, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column. Dwight: Next stop is Helene. You’re gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I’ll remind you. Michael: You know, I don’t know if I trust Jan’s judgment. She… Dwight: Jan knows paper. Michael: No, I’m not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there. Dwight: Wait, what Holly said? Michael: Yes, I don’t… Dwight: Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes. Michael: I know, I know. Dwight: Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay. Michael: Got it. Dwight: TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW! Michael: I’M TRYING! GOD! Michael: [walks into park with Dwight] Hi stranger! Long time! Old Woman: Who are you? Michael: I’m Michael. We dated for a while. Old Woman: I don’t think so… Helene: Michael? Michael: Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene? Dwight: Come on old lady. Let’s go. Old Woman: What is happening? [Dwight shushes her] Dwight: Come on. Andy: Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is? Darryl: Condoms. Andy: Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, okay? Abstinence. Darryl: Ohh. Okay. I didn’t realise we were doing trick questions. What’s the safest way to go skiing? Don’t ski! [office laughs] Andy: I just thought I’d bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That’s all. Anybody? Pam: Andy that’s way too personal of a question. Andy: Well someone could answer if they want to. [looks at Erin hopefully] Okay, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on… using this pencil. [Stanley laughs] Andy: What? Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil Andy? Andy: Well I’m not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It’s not exactly hard right now anyway. Meredith: Come on, give it a rest pencil dick. Andy: I’m doing this for you Meredith! Meredith: I didn’t want you it! Andy: Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I’m doing right now?! [throws pizza box at painting and leaves] Helene: It’ll go away in time just don’t touch it. Michael: Did I make more of what we had then what was really there? Helene: What did you think we were? Michael: Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you… Helene: I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show’s ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly. Michael: Jerk. [walks off] Dwight: Michael! [attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.] Carroll: So this is the chef’s kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers. Michael: Real entertainers, like Billy Joel. Carroll: Michael. Michael: Carroll, how are you? Carroll: I’m great! How are you? Michael: I’m great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I’m going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her. Carroll: You didn’t call my office and ask where I was? Michael: No. Carroll: Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover. Michael: Weird… Carroll: Yeah. Michael: He sounds like a nice guy. Andy: I don’t know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith. Gabe: This wasn’t really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up. Andy: How is that relevant to anything? Gabe: I asked you if it was okay if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, ‘My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.’ I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way. Andy: The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no. Gabe: I’ll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you. Michael: Oh wow another living room! Carroll: It’s a family room. Michael: You put the TV here, you put the family over here. Carroll: Michael why are you here? Michael: Someone told me that I romanticise relationships Carroll: You know, we all do that. Michael: I have herpes. Carroll: What? Did you have that while we were together? Michael: I just found out today. It’s, uh, right there. Carroll: Oh! Oh, that’s what you’re talking about? Michael: Mmhmm, I’m sorry. Carroll: Did the doctor check it out? Michael: I’m between specialists right now. Carroll: Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date. Michael: Well I believe in love at first sight. Carrol: Well so do I, but we didn’t love each other at first either. I don’t know what you were thinking! Michael: I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous. Dwight: [walking downstairs] Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn’t they? Carroll: No. Darryl: [Andy walks in Darryl’s office] We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying? Andy: No I’m just sweating. Darryl: I don’t know who’s got you upset but my advice is stop crying. Andy: I’m not crying I’m just sweating. Darryl: Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It’s all about heart, and character. Be your best self. Andy: Okay. Darryl: Yeah. Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is, that’s just my standard advice. It’s good advice right? Holly: [on answering machine] This is Holly Flax, I can’t come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. [BEEP] Michael: Hi Holly it’s Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It’s just. You know? It’s weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You’re wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don’t feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn’t joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don’t know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Okay. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye. Oscar: What is this about? Michael: Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall? Oscar: Yes! Michael: You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease. Oscar: What? Michael: Herpes duplex. Dwight: It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive. Michael: I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you. Oscar: We were never lovers! Dwight: I’m gonna need a list of every man you’ve ever had sex with. I’m talking train stations, men’s rooms… Michael: Flower shops, fireworks celebrations… Dwight: Fence with a hole in it.. Michael: Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park… Dwight: The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk’s home. Michael: An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving] Dwight: The democratic primaries, Michael: Oscar! Think abou- Think! [door slams]