Christening
Written By: Peter Ocko Directed By: Alex Hardcastle Transcribed By: Admin Pam: I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It’s that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they’ve discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat. Kelly: I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat. Michael: That’s true, that’s true. I dated her momma, and you know what- Jim: Stop. Michael: [under his breath] Um… kay. Uh, alright. Pam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough. Erin: Di-Did you say vampire? Pam: Oh, no, it’s just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow] Dwight: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [looks at camera] ‘Cause of the euro. Pam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don’t come in if you’re sick. Dwight: [rolls his eyes and shakes his head] Uh… Pam: And get your flu shot. Also, I’m going to set up hand sanitising stations around the office. Dwight: NO, no, no. They will cost you your life. Jim: Elaborate. Dwight: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitising stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter… Pam: I’m not – I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to do that. Dwight: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger. Jim: So, by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you. Dwight: Yes. I would welcome it. Jim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You’re welcome. Dwight: The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. Maybe they have something against living forever. Angela: Jim. Pam. [gasps, speaks in baby voice] And the precious bundle of God’s gift to everything. [back to her normal voice] I wish you both a pleasant day. [baby voice] And you too. Yes. Praise God. Okay. Pam: Cece’s getting christened today. Jim: Big day. Pam: Everyone from work is here. We weren’t planning on that. Jim: Nope. Michael: Top of the Sunday morning to you. Andy: And a top of the day to you too, sir. Ryan: Hope you brought your pipes. We’re about to smoke the opium of the masses. Michael: Oh, yes. [mimicking smoking] Doobie-doobie doo. Michael: I invited everyone in the office because it’s not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate… my joy. And our, all of ours joys. Andy: [looking at Cece, under his breath] Ah, man. [looks at Erin talking to Gabe] Andy: Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol’ litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put ’em in a box, give ’em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids. Dwight: [handing out cards] For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. Toby: Sunday church service… it’s been a few years. The Big Guy and I, we got some catching up to do. Michael: [in an old man mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can’t refuse. Scooch over. Pam: Oh, Michael, this is just for family. Michael: But I’m the Godfather. Jim: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather. Michael: Are you talking to me? Jim: [whispers to Pam] Okay, your turn. Michael: Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head. Pam: Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I’m so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you’re not Cece’s godfather. Michael: Yeah. Pam: I’m sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I’m so sorry. Michael: [normal voice] I’m not the godfather. Pam: Okay, thank you. Michael: [clears his throat] So who is the godfather? Pam: Our friend, Seth, and his wife there. Michael: Okay. Old friend, like, you’ve known him since kindergarten? Pam: No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They’re a great couple. You should meet them later. Michael: No, I have plenty of friends, so… all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show. Pam: Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael. Michael: I don’t even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that’s not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out. Church congregation: [singing] We ask you, Lord, come to our aid. Pastor: Good morning. All: Good morning. Michael: Good morning. Pastor: What a terrific day this is, and not just because the Eagles are playing. [laughter, Kevin giggles] Pastor: You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They’re leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico. Ryan: I’ve heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes. Toby: [stands outside church entrance] Okay, this is, all right, this is silly. [goes inside] [walks back out] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope… Female church member: And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery. Pastor: Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance? [Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time, Dwight stares at him, man sits back down] Dwight: Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price. Pastor: Christening calls to repentance, to faithfulness, and to discipleship. We’ve come to celebrate these babies. Pam: [looking at Cece’s diaper] Somebody needs a change. Jim: Right now? Pam: Well, she can’t bring this up with her. Jim: Okay. All right, come on. [picks up Cece from Pam, whispers to her] Where are we going? Where are we going? We’re gonna take a little field trip. Jim: [whispering, going into the bathroom with Cece] Okay. Okay. There’s my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What’s that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop! Pam: [seeing Jim come in with Cece wearing an old t-shirt] What? Jim: What? Pam: Honey, no. Jim: Yes. Pam: No, no. Jim: This is happening. Pam: We have an extra outfit in the bag. Jim: No. There’s no extra outfit in the bag. Pam: You said you checked it. Jim: I did… say that. Pastor: At this time, will the families please come join me? Michael: Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It’s as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That’s great, because, you know, the paper industry’s not gonna last forever. Pastor: Before we go, I’d like to remind everyone that the “Halberts” have been kind enough to host a reception next door immediately following the service. Jim: Mm. No. Wrong on both counts. Jim: Okay, “A,” Halbert. And, “B,” I think a more appropriate statement would be, “The ‘Halberts’ are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests.” Ryan: For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless? Kelly: Try “Jesus.” Dwight: Opus dei. Male church member: [to Michael] Hi. Good morning. Michael: Good morning. Female church member [to Michael]: Good morning. Michael: Good morning. Ryan: Hello. Dwight: Shh, shh, shh. Michael: [walking around and greeting people] How are you? Good morning. Good morning. Lady: Good morning. Michael: I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people. Jim: Hey. Doug [church member]: I’m Doug Mcpherson, Davey’s uncle. Jim: Oh, well, Dave is an adorable baby. Doug: Davey. Jim: Yeah. [Doug walks away] Pam: Wow. Angela: Well, this is intimate. Pam: We just had to add a few more tables. We weren’t expecting this many people. Angela: You don’t know them all? Pam: Nope, and we’re gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed ’em all. Angela: Jesus is not your caterer. [baby voice to Cece] But he should be your caterer ’cause you’re a little angel. Why didn’t your parents get you a caterer? [normal voice] They don’t think. Pam: [to Cece] Hm. Don’t listen to her. She’s just jealous ’cause she doesn’t get to come home to someone as cute as you. Jim: Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby? Pam: I don’t know. I’m just hungry. Jim: Okay, well, you know what? Everybody’s hungry. [Pam looks at Jim] Sorry. I think I’m just hungry. Michael: Oh, after you. Male church member: Oh, no, after you. Michael: No, I insist. After me. Male church member: [laughs] I’m gonna use that one. Have a good lunch. Michael: Thank you. You too. Stanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I’m going to have no energy for the rest of the day. Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this? Michael: You know what, guys, let’s just enjoy lunch. Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes. Girl: Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that’s leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. [group of young adults cheer and applaud] Ryan: [whispering] Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they’re nuts. Girl: This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip. Phyllis: [chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico? Stanley: I would run to Mexico if that’s where the sandwiches are. Michael: Shh. Girl: Right now, Jessica’s children have to walk twelve miles to a school with dirt floors. Michael: No. Girl: It’s gonna be three months of hard work and when we’re done, we’ll practically be Quimixtanos. Dwight: Greg, hello, it’s Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold. Michael: [overhearing Dwight’s conversation] Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey. Dwight: I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts. Michael: Are you kidding me? Stop it. Dwight: I’ll call you back. Girl: My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn’t hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family? Andy: What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hairbrush? Michael: Shh. Girl: Thank you. Or should I say gracias? Pam: [sighs] Cece went down. Woman: [holding up an empty serving dish] What was this? You’re out of it. Jim: Scones. Woman: I didn’t get one. Pam: Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn’t get one either. Woman: Is it just the one jug of apple cider? [Pam shrugs, woman walks away] Pam: Who the heck was that? Jim: I think that was sconesy cider, noted baptism reception critic. Pam: We need more food. I’ll go get some subs and sodas. Jim: All right. And cider. Michael: [pointing to group of young adults laughing] Look at that. Look at that. That’s fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let’s go help Africa. Let’s go build an airport. We’ll start small. We’ll have a car wash. We’ll send some cheerleaders to regionals. Stanley: You could feed the hungry. Us. Oscar: Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time. Michael: Yeah, well, that’s just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don’t have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together. Darryl: We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this? Michael: Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party. Phyllis: Church isn’t a party, Michael. Michael: Well, it’s, it’s- Ryan: Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid? Michael: No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What’s so great about your lives that you think you’re better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You’re mean. You’re mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don’t stop worrying so much about what you’re gonna put in your gullet, you’re gonna die in about a month. Jim: Oh, hey, Mee-Maw, would you watch Cece for a second? Don’t worry. She’s asleep. I’m just gonna track down some more chairs. Mee-Maw: Fine, fine. I guess I’ll watch Suzanne’s purse and your baby. Michael: [standing in a line saying goodbye to the kids going to Mexico] Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We’re proud of you. [starts to walk down through the line and into the bus] Bye. Okay. Michael: [on the bus] Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico? Students: Yeah! [cheers, applause] Michael: [in reference to the team shirts] I’ll take a shirt. Guy: Are you coming? Michael: If you’ll have me, yes. Guy: Heck, yes. Michael: Really? [cheers, applause] Thank you. All right. Oscar: [seeing Michael on the bus] Michael. Get off the bus. Michael: No, I’m not. I’m staying on the bus. I’m already on the bus. I’m going. Gabe: Michael, this is irresponsible. Michael: It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life. Darryl: I agree. I think it’s superb. Gabe: Well, you have a job to do. Okay, there is no off-season when it comes to printer sales. Michael: You know what, my job will be here when I get back. Andy: Michael, you can’t go to Mexico. You don’t have your passport. Guy: [sticking his head out Michael’s window on the bus] You don’t need one to get in. Plus, we can just have it sent to him down in Mexico. Michael: Hey, right? Phyllis: Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you? Michael: Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them. Phyllis: Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts? Michael: Tell them that I’m in a meeting. Dwight: Michael, I’m just about to close a sale. Can I authorise a 15% discount? Michael: No, you may not. Dwight: Gah! Erin: I think it’s really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave. Michael: Thank you. Andy: [looking at Erin] Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I’m coming! Andy: I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick. Guy: We’re actually building them a school. Andy: Whatever. I won’t-I won’t stand for it. Michael: [waving goodbye as the bus drives away] See you in a few months. Girl: If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn’t have so many problems. Michael: Mm. That’s not gonna happen. Andy: We’re one in a million. Girl: I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months. Michael: Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So… Andy: Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals… Toby: [standing in the church sanctuary, talking to the stained glass] Why you always got to be so mean to me? Jim: [seeing Cece gone from the couch he left her] Uh, MeeMaw, where’s Cece? MeeMaw: I don’t know. I lost the purse too. Jim: Okay. Andy: Good-bye, Lackawana County. Michael: How long till we get to Mexico? Andy: Well, two days minus how long we’ve been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more. Michael: Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What? Andy: I don’t know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or… Michael: Why aren’t they building it themselves? Andy: They don’t know how. Michael: Do we know how? I don’t know how. You know how? Andy: Well, Carla knows. Michael: Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing? Carla: Oh, trying to sleep. Michael: What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening? Andy: Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese? Michael: Oh, God, you know what? I’m gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday. Andy: And the Christmas party. Michael: And Cinco de Mayo. Andy: Nah, no. We’ll be back before that. Michael: No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven’t even started. Now we’re those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus. Jim: Hey, guys, has anybody seen the baby? Phyllis: Here’s her carrier, but no Cece. Jim’s Dad: Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where’s the little girl of honor? Jim: I don’t know, dad. I don’t know. Doug: I don’t mean to bug, but do you know when those subs are due into port? I got a hungry bunch of Mcphersons over there. Jim: I don’t know. Hey, have you seen my baby? Doug: I think maybe some blonde lady had her. Jim: A small blonde woman? Doug: Smaller than me. Jim: Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small- [pointing to Angela] Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby! Angela: [as Kevin runs to grab her] What are you doing? Kevin: [reaching into her purse] Give me the baby! Angela: What? Kevin! Helene: [holding the baby, walks up to Jim] Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby. Jim: [baby voice] Hi. Pam: [walks up] Honey. Jim: [to Cece] Hi. [to everyone] All right. Travel safe, Angela. Angela: Did you think I stole your baby? Jim: What’s that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don’t, because I’ve got my eye on you. Kevin: [gasping as he looks into Angela’s purse] Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby? Angela: Someone put them in my bag. Doug: [to Pam] So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let’s haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly’s. Pam: Did you lose Cece? Jim: Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did. Michael: Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something? Andy: I can make myself cry. Michael: Do that. Do it. Andy: Should I-I got it. I got it. [walks up to the bus driver] Um, hey, I saw a sign for a scenic overlook coming up. Really love to check out the view. Bus driver: Can’t stop. We’re on a schedule. Andy: Well, uh, there’s a nice bistro coming up. We could pick up some Paninis for the road. Bus driver: Maybe we’ll stop in Tennesseee. It’s not safe to talk to a driver. Michael: [having walked up to the front] Okay, driver, driver, if you’re not gonna stop this bus, then I’m going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. [pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound] Bus driver: Stopping in Tennessee. Guy: Hey, is there a problem, you guys? Michael: Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please. Guy: Why? Andy: Just make him stop the freaking bus! Michael: Stop the bus, okay? Carla: Are you okay, sir? Michael: I didn’t sign up for this. You guys are young, that’s great. You want to give back to society. I’ve done that. I need to take. Girl: You have plenty left to give. You’re doing- Michael: Blah-di-blah! Andy: It doesn’t matter. Michael: We could go back and forth all day. It’s not gonna solve anything. Andy: If we went to Mexico, we’d probably screw everything up anyway. Michael: Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don’t. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay? Andy: Stop the bus! Michael and Andy: [shouting and clapping] Stop the bus! Stop the bus! Guy: Okay, stop the dang bus. Michael: [bus stopping] Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We’ll keep an eye on America for you. Another guy: [getting off the bus] Wait for me! [bus drives away] Don’t say anything to my parents. Erin: [driving up to pick up Michael, Andy, and kid off the road] Get in quick. Michael: Why quick? Erin: So, it’s faster. Erin: Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church? Michael: Is anyone still at the church? Erin: No, actually most of them went to go see a movie. Michael: What? Shut up. Erin: Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith’s minivan. Michael: It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies. Erin: I bet. You guys. Guy: Can I come? [silence] Erin: Oh, Lake Wobblegone’s on. Do you guys-are you cool with that? Radio: “… banana bread, but Fred Nordquist had no appetite. He was thinking about his pair of new boots. It’d been ten years after all. As he told Mrs. Nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots.”