Viewing Party
Written By: Jon Vitti Directed By: Ken Whittingham Transcribed By: Admin Erin: [to Gabe] They caught the Scranton Strangler, they trapped him in his house. [run to conference room, everyone is watching the news on a monitor] Reporter: Police have now surrounded the apartment complex. Michael: [whispering to Pam] They have him surrounded. It’s the SWAT. The SWAT’s arriving. Reporter: It is unknown if he is armed with anything. Kevin: They should do that thing where they play the really good music to get him to come out. Dwight: [sighs] They shouldn’t televise any of this, it just encourages copy-cats. Angela: Just say copies, why do you have to drag cats into this. Gabe: Okay, while this is interesting we should get back to work. These stand-offs can last a long time. What if it’s another Waco. Erin: It’s pronounced wacko. Jim: Some events are so newsworthy, so historic, that you have to stop everything to watch. Balloon Boy, Michael Jackson’s funeral. Things that if you didn’t see them live, you wouldn’t really care that you didn’t see them at all. Kelly: Columbia Street in Washington Ave! When is he gonna come out? [phone rings, Kelly answers and hangs up] Andy: I bet he’s wishing he had a hybrid, right? Sixty miles to the gallon in the city. Kevin: No! I bet he’s wishing he was strangling someone! Michael: Okay, that’s our street! That’s our street! He’s going down our street! [runs out of conference room.] Come on everybody! [all quickly follow] Michael: [on sidewalk] There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it! [all groan] Michael: [collecting pebbles off the street into a jar] Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? [old man voice] Well kiddo, I was there. I was there… And I’ll tell you what. [shakes jar of pebbles] You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship. Erin: Michael! Michael: Walk with me. Erin: Gabe and I are having a party, and everyone’s invited, and it’s at his house apartment and we’re gonna watch Glee. Michael: [obviously faking being serious the whole time] Glee? What is Glee, some television program? Jim, I need that thing stat! Jim: [confused] Okay? Erin: Yeah, it’s a TV show… Michael: Dwight! Sign please. I don’t have time for parties I don’t have time for TV shows. Stanley! What time is that thing I have to do? Stanley: I… Michael: Cancel it! Are you still here? [to Erin] Erin: Uhh. It’s just that it’s our first party together so… Michael: MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? I’m a very busy man. I don’t have time for your TV show. Erin: [sad] Okay, sorry. Michael: I’m joking. Erin: Wait which one? Michael: I’m joking. I’m kidding around! I’m not actually angry. [Erin laughs] I’m not busy at all, I’m not doing anything. And I know what Glee is, I’m a total Gleek. Erin: Good me too! Michael: You know who my favorite character is? The invalid. [Jim makes a face] I am coming to your party. Erin: I don’t know if Michael likes Gabe that much, but there’s this thing on Glee called mash-up, where two things that don’t go together, make one great song. Take Gabe, take Michael, you make Gay Mike. Best friends. Kelly: [reacting to Erin’s invitation] No really? Is there time to change this?! That show! Now first they say that Mr. Schu doesn’t know anything about choreography, then like three episodes later he’s this fantastic choreographer?! Pick a lane people! Kelly: And what was with Jesse’s sudden turn on Rachel, between Dream-On and Funk. Where the heck did that come from?! Honestly that show, it’s just. It’s irresponsible. Angela: Are you going? [to Dwight] Dwight: Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now that’s a show I’d watch. Angela: I would watch that. Dwight: Tonight, might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse. Andy: [to Erin] You’re having a party at Gabe’s apartment? Erin: Mhmm! I’d love it if you were there. Andy: You would? Erin: You and Michael are always the life of the party! Andy: Try and keep me from coming! Erin: Why would I keep you from coming? Andy: Try and hide it, I will track this party down! Erin: Why would I hide it! [giggling] Michael: Kevin! Kevin: Hey, you going tonight? Michael: Yes, I am. Are you? Kevin: Yeah! You gotta go to the boss’s party! Michael: What? No Gabe is… Gabe is not the boss. Kevin: No, he’s not the boss. Michael: Why did you just say he was the boss? Kevin: ‘Cause, you’re the boss! Michael: Yeeee… Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss? Erin: [to Michael at Gabe’s apartment] It’s make your own pizza night. Isn’t Gabe’s place so nice? Michael: Uh huh… Erin: Look at the size of those wine glasses Michael! Michael: Big… Erin: Those posters used to be real French ads. Michael: All right! Gabe: So, these are your cheeses, your ham, your sausages, your herbs, and your vegetables. Here’s what’s been done, so start creating. Sometimes it helps to think of a part of the world, and… Michael: [interrupting] Okay okay okay. Michael: Gabe likes to entertain a lot, and he cooks in an oven, and all that jazz. I just have a different lifestyle. They have these bags of vegetables that steam right inside their own bag. So, I’ll get a few ingredients, sit down in front of the TV, a bag of vegetables, before you know it I’m ready for bed! Michael: [tossing pizza dough in the air] Gabe: You don’t really toss the dough. Michael: Try and destroy the old ways, Gabe, well I will not let you. [throws pizza dough, hits the ceiling] Gabe: [walking with Jim and Pam] Welcome to my Man Cave! I did my senior year in prog in Japan. Best year of my life. Jim: You play? [referring to keyboard] Gabe: Oh! I like to play soundscapes. I imagine one instant of a song, expanded to be the size of the universe. Jim: You can’t even do that. Cece: [crying] Pam: She’s up! Great! Pam: Cece, is reverse cycling, which means she sleeps all day and is up all night. Which basically means I’m up all day and I’m up all night. And if it doesn’t stop soon, I am going to be up all night. Erin: [peeking into various rooms] The show’s starting. The show’s starting! The show’s starting! Show’s starting! [Glee begins as all get nearby to watch] Phyllis: [to Kelly] Who’s that? Kelly: Finn. Phyllis: Who’s that? Kelly: Rachel. Phyllis: Which one’s Glee? Kelly: You have to stop. Michael: Where’s Michael? Where’s Michael? We can’t start without Michael! Oh, here he is! Ohhhh. Yayyy, and let the show begin! [turning up volume] Gabe: [takes remote] It’s a little loud… Michael: Actually, I think it’s not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah! [takes remote, raises volume] There we go. Glee, right? Rock and roll! Turn it up to elevaan! Spinal Cord! Gabe: [lowers volum] Some of us are trying to have a conversation. Michael: Well, some of us are trying to have a… Gabe: I’ll just turn the captions on. Michael: [grabs different remote from the table] Well I will turn up the volume. Gabe: That’s for the other box. Michael: Okay… Heeeere’s what we’re gonna do! Right down the hall is a bedroom. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom, follow me! Where we can crank it! Oscar: [noise on TV, Oscar pauses show] That one! She’s been in a couple episodes of Friday Night… Kelly: You know what? I’m so confused. Is this a Glee watching party? Or a Glee pausing party? ‘Cause we keep stopping it, to get a history lesson from… Oscar: You know what? I didn’t read the rules, I didn’t know the rules. There, it’s on. I didn’t read the rule book. Pam: [enters on Michael alone sitting on a bed watching Glee] Michael? Maybe you should try gong in the other room again. You can have my seat. It’s closer to the TV. It’ll seem louder. Michael: Pam, I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. If I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe, I want you to take that gun, and I want you to shoot me like a hundred times in the groin until I’m dead. Okay? Pam: You have a gun in your desk? Ryan: [in Gabe’s bedroom with Andy] Hey! Marantz Tube Stereo. From the 1970’s. I respect that. I respect that a lot. Oh hoho. The five Chinese Berilidy Herbs. No kidding. This is powdered seahorse. They say that fifteen Chinese soldiers fought off the entire army of Gangus Kong just using this stuff. You know what they say… Andy: No what? Ryan: What is this, Samurai wood cuts? Yep. Pretty erotic. Andy: Yeah. Michael: [Pam in the background struggling with Cece] Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss. David got fired. Charles got fired. Jan went crazy. Ed Truck, who I liked, got decapitated. Dwight: Michael, I find it absolutely disgraceful that no one followed you in here for your walk-out. I took the liberty of making a list of everyone who didn’t follow you in here. Jim. Oscar. Creed. Me, at first. Pam: Maybe I should go. Dwight: [continuing] Kelly. Kev-- [to Pam] Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to? [Dwight grabs Cece and makes noises, Cece stops crying] In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby. Daryl: [to Andy] Take a shot. Andy: Oh thanks. Daryl: Wow, so much Asia stuff. I wonder if there’s a guy in China right now, looking at a bunch of our stuff. Andy: Why does Erin like Gabe? Daryl: Andy look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters… I’d choose you. Andy: That’s really nice, thank you. Daryl: And I’d blow your mind. Andy: [pours powdered seahorse into his wine glass] Jim: [changes channel during commercial, sports scores appear on screen.] Oscar: Jim what are you doing? Jim: Oh, it was commercial break so I just wanted to check the scores. Oscar: Flip it back please. Jim: Okay… [changes back to Glee] Kelly: The show’s back on, what happened? Ryan: We’re behind. Oscar: Go to the recorded version. Kelly: Oh my God what song was that? Erin: I wasn’t recording it. Oscar: What?! Kelly: [texting] What song was it? Erin: Wait, why do you have to record it? Oscar: This is why Erin! We’re living it! Start recording now! Erin: Jim. [Jim gives her the remote] Kelly: Okay, they did Blinded by the Light and they did it with an actual blind guy. Was it worth it Jim? [Jim leaves] ‘Cause we missed it! Pam: If I could get her sleeping normally, I could get my life back. Dwight: That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Pam: I can’t even talk about it. Dwight: You know it’s not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe’s refrigerator, get a lump of suit, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do rally, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suit in her mouth, she’ll be happy for hours. Pam: I kind of doubt Gabe has suit. Dwight: Really? Oh… Then here we are. Erin: Michael. Gabe is making the pigs in a blanket, and he kind of needs some [Dwight shushes her] help so, [Erin whispering] he was wondering if you could help him. [Michael goes with Erin] Andy: [enters room where Phyllis is pouring wine, using stadium announcer voice] Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Phyllis Vance! [sniffs her] Isn’t that White Diamonds Maya Smith Taylor? Phyllis: You know your perfumes! Andy: My nanny used to wear that. Andy: I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work, but it is totally working! [clip of him doing pull ups in Gabe’s doorway] I feel exactly like a seahorse! [Seahorse impression] Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub. Erin: Look who I found! [points to Michael] Michael: Yeah, well I wasn’t very hard to find. Gabe: Let’s go ahead and wash our hands. Michael: Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust? Gabe: Yep! Waste not, right? Michael: So, these are pizza dogs, they aren’t pigs in a blanket per se. Erin: Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks, Michael: Well… Erin: Gabe was born in 1982. He was the longest baby in the hospital. Michael: He’s the longest baby in this room. Erin: What’s the longest thing you’ve ever seen? [Michael chuckles] For me it was the tale from Jets. Gabe: Erin, you don’t have to… Michael: You know what Erin you do have to. Gabe: Michael! You are making this harder than it has to be. Michael: [grimacing] That’s what she said. [leaves] Jim: [whispering] Hey. Pam: It’s a miracle. She loves him. Jim: I don’t know about, love… Dwight: She loves me. Angela: [whispers in Dwight’s ear] Outside my car in two minutes. Dwight: Well, something’s come up, I have to go. Pam: No no no no no! She’ll wake up! Dwight: I have something to do. Pam: Look, I know what you have to do, please stay with Cece. Dwight? I’ve always considered for us to be very good friends. Great friends! Remember your concussion? Dwight: I do. But you married my worst enemy. Jim: Well, I think enemy’s a strong word. ‘Cause I think we have a really charming back and forth. And-- Dwight: Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over. Pam: Absolutely! [starts out] Dwight: From Jim. Jim: I don’t think that’s gonna… Pam: Do it! Jim: What kind of pizza would you like? Dwight: Surprise me. No! Pepperoni. Michael: [outside opening Gabe’s cable hookup box] Okay… Alright. TV: And the winner is, by two votes-- [TV goes blank] Kelly: Ahhh! What’s going on?!?! Andy: [muttering going on all around, Andy looks sick] Hey Creed, would you read Chinese? Creed: Beleniege! Andy: What does this say? Creed: HI mahhhh. Boo yowww. Gunjo! Ooh uncow! Andy: [confused, rushes out of the room to the room Erin’s in, picks up phone, talking fast] Hello UPS! Still waiting on that five minutes with Erin order. Oh, never mind it’s here. Oh, if it isn’t the bell of the ball! [queasily] You throw a lovely party ma lady… Erin: [concerned] Are you having a good time? Andy: Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose? Erin: Andy, you look awful! Andy: You’re four seasons in a day. [heaves] You… got the Autumn thing going on. But if you put on ba-- [heaves again] Put if you put on a blue… [stops, is struggling] It’s Springtime in the Rockies! Erin: Are you alright? Andy: No! [runs off] Dwight: [referring to the pizza Jim is offering him] Insert it in my mouth. Jim: That’s not gonna make your pizza eating experience any better. Trust me. Dwight: No, try me. Pam: Jim, just don’t think of it as degrading. Think of it as, you happen to be moving the six inches his way and he happens to be biting it. Dwight: I’d prefer for him to think of it as degrading. Jim: Okay… [puts pizza into Dwight’s mouth] Dwight: No. Crust first. [Jim turns the pizza around] Okay, now the beer. [Jim shakes his head no] Beer me Jim. [Jim quickly puts the beer into his face] Ssss. Gentle. [drinks the beer] Now I’ve gotta go meet Angela. Pam: What no, wait! You said you were gonna help us! Dwight: I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay, she needs to be serviced. Jim: You need to stop talking. Dwight: Oh, come on, stop the fake prissy act. We’re in the real world. Sex contracts exist! Pam: Okay fine! There must be some way to get out of it. Even just for tonight! Dwight: Yeah sure, Jim could go see her. Jim: [unbelievingly] Okay… Dwight: You ever been with the blondes before? It’s the big leagues. Jim: I’m going home, and I’m taking my baby with me. Pam: No no no, don’t. I will go talk to Angela. Dwight: She’s in heat. She will eat your face off! Pam: The reverse cycling ends tonight! [Pam leaves] Dwight: [to Jim] A single piece of pepperoni please. Jim: I’m not gonna-- [cuts himself off, Kevin walks in] Dwight: What are you doing? Kevin: [getting under the bed covers] I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket! Andy: [throws up on bed] Puts pillow in front of the puke. Phyllis: Are you alright? Andy: Erin likes Gabe. Phyllis: I know. I thought you two were nice together. Andy: Do you think that they’ve ever… Phyllis: Made love? I don’t know. Andy: Well girls tell each other things, right? Phyllis: I’ll see what I can find out. Daryl: [Michael walks into disarray of people’s reactions to the TV going out] Where you been? Michael: I just went out for a walk. Daryl: Cable’s out. Michael: What? Really? That stinks! Gabe: It’s still on upstairs. Michael: What does that mean? Party’s over? Everybody leaves? Are you sure? Creed: [receiving message on his phone] Hey! Puck and Finn worked it out, and the solo is now a duet. Michael: Are you kidding me? Creed: No. Michael: Now that’s going on? Kevin: I can’t believe we’re missing that! Michael: Boy I wish I could see that. You know what? I have an idea. I don’t know if it’s gonna work, but let me give it this. Okay, I’m gonna give it shot. [hurries out] Kevin: Please Michael, just make the Glee happen! Kelly: Good luck Michael! Phyllis: Erin! Uhm, so how long have you two been going out now? Erin: Oh, uhm, like three months. Phyllis: And I imagine things are starting to heat up? Erin: I don’t know. Phyllis: Of course, you don’t wanna rush things! I mean the anticipation can be so exquisite. Bob and I took our time. The first time we saw each other naked we didn’t even make love, we just stared at each other until we fell asleep. It was magical. Erin: [awkwardly] I have to go Phyllis. Phyllis: Magical… Pam: [knocking on Angela’s car window, Angela is naked inside] Hey in there. It’s Pam. It’s not Dwight! Don’t think it’s Dwight! Angela: What are you doing here? Pam: I know you and Dwight have this weird deal, uhm, he sent me out here to see if you could postpone. Angela: Are you authorised to do this? Pam: Yes! I have been so authorised. Angela: Okay, uhm, then tell him that we’ll do this tomorrow night instead. Pam: Okay. Angela: Wait Pam! How did he seem? Like, you know, did he seem disappointed? Pam: You know, there are a lot of guys out there who would just love and appreciate a-- Angela: You know what Pam just save it. Erin: [Michael is outside fixing the cable box] You did this? Michael: No, I was just check--Yeah. Yes, I did, yeah yeah. Erin: Why don’t you like him? Michael: What is there to like? He’s just, he’s a weird little skeevy guy with no waist, why do you care whether we like him or not? Erin: I care if you like him. Michael: Why? I’m not your father. [Erin looks sad] All right. Erin: Okay… Michael: Go to your room. Erin: What? [confused] Michael: Go to your room young lady! Erin: [slowly getting it] Uhm, I’m not going to my room. Michael: You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not, to see that boy, anymore. Erin: You listen to me. You are not to tell me what to do. Michael: As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say. Erin: I hate your roof! Michael: Oh, do not raise your voice to me! Erin: I’ll raise it how I want! I’ll raise the roof! Michael: Gahh, I will pull this car over! Erin: I hate it! I hate your car! Gabe: See ya Oscar! [Oscar leaves] Michael: [enters, looks to Gabe] If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. It’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family. Michael: Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin. But not too much fun! That girl’s gonna turn my hair gray. Gabe: [Andy is leaning over toilet] What happened? Andy: I accidentally ate some seahorses. Gabe: How much? Andy: I didn’t know it’s powdered, so like four or five, I don’t know. Gabe: I’ve got just the thing! [leaves, comes back with a synthesiser] This one’s called Earth Rise, on the Moon. [music plays] Andy: That’s so beautiful.