WUPHF.com
Written By: Aaron Shure Directed By: Danny Leiner Transcribed By: Admin [the lights and power go off in the office] Dwight: Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. [turns On Flashlight and holds it to his face] Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation. Michael: [as the power and lights come back on] My Bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet. Jim: Uh, it’s saying the server went down? Does Anybody know that password? ‘Cause otherwise we can’t do any work. Michael: Uh… try “password.” Jim: Nope. Dwight: Try zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. Jim: No. Dwight: Okay, now try zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one. Jim: Okay, I’m not doing every number. Pam: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up? Michael: Uh… it was like eight years ago? Pam: Lord of the Ring stuff? I don’t know, I’m just trying to think of things that were happening at the time. Erin: Um, everyone was getting their driver’s license. Jim: Why don’t we just call the I.T. Guy who set it up? What’s the name of the guy in Glasses, again? Michael: Okay, moving backwards, our I.T. Guys have been… Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it. Andy: I got it, try, um–- [coughs] Michael: You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it, but Pam got really offended. Kevin: Big Boobs. Meridith: Drama Queen? Angela: Nosy? Pam: You’re typing “Big Boobs”? Jim: I’m trying everything. Dwight: Try “Big Boobs” with a “Z”. Jim: That’s–- [the computer chimes] the password. We’re in. Dwight: All Right Kevin: Wow. Dwight: Yes. Michael: The important thing is… this kept us secure, people. Michael: Morning. Ryan: How’s It Going? Ryan: Hey, I’m WUPHF. Michael: [wearing Ryan’s glasses] I’m Facebook. Ryan: What’s up Facebook? Michael: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven’t heard anything back. Ryan: You should’ve sent me a WUPHF. Michael: A what? Ryan: [pulls out Blackberry] When you send a WUPHF, it goes to your home phone, Email, Facebook, Twitter and home screen. All at the same time. [phone rings, computer chimes, printer starts up] Robotic Voice: WUPHF. Ryan and Michael: WUPHF! Michael: Dot com! Ryan: [getting copies from the color copier behind the receptionist desk] Thanks, Erin. Erin: Sure. Erin: Pam. Pam: Mm-Hmm? Erin: I don’t wanna be a lousy snitch. Pam: Okay. Erin: Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot, and as Office Administrator-- Pam: Oh, it’s okay. Erin: But it’s not for-- Pam: Let it go. Pam: Yes, I invested in WUPHF. It’s actually a great idea and I can’t believe it didn’t exist before. And I know Ryan’s kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim. I’ve done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set. Michael: I think an investor’s ski trip is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience. Ryan: I love it. Michael: I was looking at a trail map, and I was thinking that we should start on a bunny hill, because I’ve never actually been skiing. And then work our way up to death drop. Ryan: Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company. Michael: You’re kidding?! Ryan: We could sell, but why think so small? We can just get a couple more people involved, really do this thing our way. Michael: You and me. Ryan: New Investors are key, though. That’s actually why I came in today. Michael: Don’t you work here full-time? Ryan: [chuckles] Today, I was thinking I would sit down with a few of the people who haven’t invested yet. Michael: Mm-Hmm. Ryan: Or we could do that together, if that sounds fun to you. Michael: That does sound fun to me. Ryan: Awesome. Dwight: [out in the parking lot with a guy unloading hay bales while Dwight sifts through the hay] Ah, this is good hay. Yeah. This is the good stuff, mattress quality. Dwight: Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it “Hay Place.” Eldred Called it “Hay World.” Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that’s all behind us. Hay Place lives on! [guy comes and sticks a Bale of Hay right behind Dwight and knocks it into Dwight] Dwight: Watch it, watch it. Dwight: Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay. Guy: Don’t forget to make a broom. Dwight: Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy! Angela: Hey, I’m kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay. Dwight: Roll in the hay, five dollars. Angela: No, I meant… [motions you and me] Dwight: Oh, our contract. Angela: Mm-Hmm. Dwight: Yes, why don’t we meet at the usual spot. [looks at his watch] Uh… I’ve got a half an hour during lunch in-between the historical reenactment of the Dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil. Angela: Perfect! Dwight: So, uh… [notices a kid walking on a bale of hay] Excuse me, get off of there! Those are show bales, not play bales. Jim: [on phone] All right, thank you, I will–I will send the contracts over right away. All Right. [hangs up the phone and rubs his eyes] Whoo! [Erin jumps in the background] Jim: I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let’s be honest, if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob… I can pretty much sell anything. [laughs] Kevin: Commission comes out to… dunh-duh-na-dah! Zero. Jim: Mm-Kay. Well, it can’t be zero, Kev. Kevin: I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said, “dunh-duh-na-dah!” I’m pretty sure I itemised it right. Angela: You met your commission cap last week. So, from here until the end of the fiscal year, your commission will be zero. Jim: What are you talking about? We--we have a commission cap? Angela: It’s a new corporate policy. Kevin: Dunh-duh-na-dah! Gabe: Is this job really about the money for you, Jim? I mean, isn’t this where you fell in love? Jim: A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell. So, you realise I now have no reason to work, right? Gabe: When you’re dealing with a large organisation, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don’t like. I wish my gym didn’t allow full nudity in the locker room. Okay, seeing these old guys walking around naked feels almost passive-aggressive. But I deal with it. ‘Cause its policy. See what I mean? Jim: Nope. Gabe: Nudity makes me uncomfortable. Jim: Okay. Gabe: My gym allows it. I wish they didn’t, but it’s policy. So, I respect it, and I just-- [put’s his hands cupped by his face and turns away] keep a low--you know, I look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room. Michael: Excuse me, everyone… SEX! Now that I have your attention… Stanley: You don’t have our attention. Michael: MONEY! Stanley: I’m listening. Kevin: You had me at “Sex.” Michael: Pervert. Phyllis: You have all of our attention just by screaming anything. Michael: That’s good to know. [screams] Pam: What do you want to say, Michael? Michael: Wuphf! All right, I’ve warmed them up for you. You have the floor, Ryan. Ryan: How’s everybody doing?! Michael: Whoo! Ryan: Good! Now, a lot of you have already staked out your corner of the WUPHF empire. Raise your hand if I’m describing you. [Michael, Pam, Daryl, and Stanley raise their hands] Stanley: Yes, I have a dream. And It’s not some M.L.K. Dream for Equality. I want to own a decommissioned Lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and it’ll launch that lighthouse into space. Ryan: For my current investors, things are going great. Michael: We already have a buyer. Pam: Really?! Who?! Ryan: Washington University. I don’t even want to think about selling until our numbers get into the billions. Michael: At least. Ryan: So, I’ve decided to open up a second round of investment to friends and family. Phyliss: Oh, God. Hold on to your wallets, ladies. Oscar: Did you ever think of WUPHF as an emergency notification system, like, for college campuses with shooters or gas leaks? Ryan: No, no--Oscar, it’s not--it’s not a digital rape whistle. WUPHF is about fun. Michael: That’s right! Ryan: Fun, communication, connection. Oscar: What’s your money situation? Ryan: Well, it’s tight, as with any start-up. Oscar: Sure, how long can you sustain this without a cash infusion? Ryan: We have nine solid days. I love these questions. Keep ’em coming. Andy: I’m sorry, nine days until what? Oscar: Bankruptcy? Michael: Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend? Oscar: How long do you think a week is? Michael: No, not this weekend, next weekend. We were gonna go on the investors ski trip. I bought poles. Jim: Well, since I have no incentive to sell, I’ve cleaned my car, organised my desk, and taken a multivitamin. So… what now? Jim: Pam. Okay, now I’ve tried everything. Pam: Did you prank Dwight? Jim: No. Pam: Well, you like that. Jim: Yeah, it’s not as fun if I’m not blowing off work. Pam: I love you, but I’m kinda busy. So, I need you to figure this one out on your own. Jim: [blows a raspberry, Erin looks shocked, Kevin chuckles] Pam: Oscar said WUPHF only has enough money for nine days. Ryan: [colorful poster with numbers] Check this out. Erin: All that color. Michael: Look at that. Triple your investment by January. Andy: Anyone can just throw numbers up on a chart. What are you doing to make it happen? Ryan: Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend. Michael: There you go. Andy: You have his email? Ryan: A lot of these guys are just Mac.com, @ their website, whatever. We get that guy WUPHFing, it’s all over. Stanley: I want my money back. Michael: Do not talk like that, Stanley. Pam: Ryan, just tell us your plan. Ryan: Okay, all right. I know what you wanna see. I’ll be right back. Dwight: [hits the back of a Dunder-Mifflin Delivery Truck with his hand] Hey kids, was that fun? Kids: Yeah! Dwight: All Right! Kid: I wanna go on it again. Dwight: Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn’t get me off the hayride! But it’s gonna cost you three more bucks. [kid gives him three more bucks] Dwight: Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing… and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose. Angela: [waiting for Dwight at their meeting place, slams the door shut] Angela: Where have you been?! I’ve been waiting. Dwight: Uh, can we move this to the end of the day? Angela: No, I--I think you should make time for it. Little Girl: I found the needle in the haystack! Dwight: Hey, congratulations! Do you know what your prize is? Little Girl: I don’t know! Dwight: Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing. Angela: Dwight? Ryan: WUPHF t-shirts. Who wants one? Just imagine that you’re at spring break, Daytona Beach. Michael: Here we go. Ryan: Everyone’s like, “Hey Dude, what’s up with all the hotties in the WUPHF shirts?” Or, Uh, “Hey, what’s up with that helicopter? It’s Ry from WUPHF!” Michael: “It’s Ryan the WUPHF guy!” Ryan: “Yo, Ry from WUPHF!” Michael: “He’s up there.” Ryan: “What’s he dropping?! Wow, what’s falling on us, man?!” WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky! Michael: Look at that! He threw ’em on the ground! Daryl: Look, this is a marketing campaign. You got nine days. Let’s say you do get the money. What are you going to do with it? Ryan: The first lesson of Silicon Valley, actually, is that you only think about the user, the experience. You actually don’t think about the money. Ever. Andy: That sounds weird. Michael: No, it’s not weird, Andy, and you know what else? We have an offer from Washington University. So, monetise that. Kelly: [walks in] Are you guys’ meeting about WUPHF? You know that that was my idea, right? Kelly: I said to Ryan, “I try to call you, and you don’t have your phone. I try to I.M. You, and you’re not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, ‘Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!'” Ryan: Baby, Baby, Baby– Kelly: I think I’m gonna stay here. Ryan: No, no, no, no, no. Kelly: I do, I do. This isn’t right. Ryan: I help you with your things and you help me with my things. Kelly: But I--it’s not right. Ryan: [whispering] I got this, it’s okay. Don’t worry about this. Daryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University? Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund. Daryl: W.U.P.H.F. Pam: Oh, God! Daryl: They only want it for the initials. Ryan: The domain name. Yeah, they do. Pam: I move we sell! Micheal: What? Daryl: Yeah, sell! Andy: Yeah, sell. Pam: Sell. Stanley: Get us out of this! Ryan: Have some faith in this idea! Daryl: If everybody wants to sell, we sell, right? Michael: I won’t sell. And you know what? Ryan and I have the majority of shares. Isn’t that, right? Ryan: Yes. You alone do, actually. Michael: I--yes. We’re not selling. I will not sell. Kevin: [runs to and inside the Hay Place maze] Awesome! Man: Do you mind if we share this bale? Angela: Sure. Man: There’s no charge to sit on the hay, is there? Angela: Probably. Man: I mean, wouldn’t you think the ten dollars to build your own broom would include the hay and not just the instructions? Angela: Mm-Hmm. Man: I mean, I’m starting to think this guy is just trying to make money off the holiday. Angela: Yeah, instead of Hay Place, it should be pay place. Man: [laughs] Angela: Don’t laugh at me. Man: No, no, no, I wasn’t--I was just laughing at your joke. Angela: Oh. Man: Pay Place. Angela: Mm. Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-Me-Your-Money Day. [both laugh] Man: That’s humorous. Angela: Thank You. Kevin: [stuck in the maze, says to some kids running around in the maze] You guys know how to get out? [kids run away screaming] Pam: Hi, Michael. Michael: Can’t talk, saving the planet. Pam: Oh, we don’t recycle. Michael: We Don’t? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors? Pam: I’m sure no one asked you to do that. Michael: [throws the sack of garbage onto the floor] Eight Years. Pam: Listen, I know you really like Ryan-- Michael: No, I won’t even consider it. Pam: Michael, I… [sits down] I hate to say this, but… you know this special bond that you’ve always felt with Ryan, where, like, you’re best friends or you’re his mentor or something? Michael: Right, yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor. Pam: Michael, I think that feeling only goes one way. And I think that Ryan knows that, and he’s taking advantage of you. Michael: I think you are wrong. Pam: And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about. Michael: You may be right. I may be crazy. Pam: Don’t. Michael: I’m just saying that I think I agree with your point. Pam: Yeah, but in a jokey way where you’re gonna start singing. Michael: I thought it might make me feel better. Pam: Okay. Go Ahead. Michael: [singing] But it just may be a lunatic… [stops singing] No. Jim: [hovering over Meredith’s desk] Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go. Meridith: Hey, back off. It’s Solitaire. Creed: Hey, kid–hear you’re looking for work. Jim: Talk to me. Creed: How far can you reach those Lovely long arms of yours? [Jim reaching his arms out as far as he can go] Creed: Eh, put ’em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours? [Jim inhales] Creed: Good. Gabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people? Creed: We’re working. [Jim still holding his breath] Gabe: Can you at least try to look busy? [Jim Exhales] Jim: [listening to and editing Jo’s book on tape] Jo: “The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled her aside and said, “You’re Too Fat. No one’s gonna like you if you’re too fat.” The next time I saw David Geffen was at the buffalo club. “I love you, you Gay Bastard,” I said. “You Gay Bastard,” I s--“Gay Ba--" “Gay B--" Ryan: Michael, how’s it going, bro? Michael: Good, good, bro. Ryan: Hey, thanks so much for having my back out there. Michael: Always have your back. So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here? Ryan: I have nothing but ideas. The thing is, they all require money. Michael: Nine days, though. That’s, like… Ryan: Look, I know I’ve tapped you so hard. Michael: Yes, you have tapped this. Hard. Ryan: [laughs] Oh, you are funny, Michael. You–people, people don’t give you enough credit. Michael: Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo. Ryan: Well, a lot of people are doing that. And there don’t seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower. Michael: So, you would think that’s a good idea for me to do? Ryan: Think about this. You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot-- Michael: Mm-Hmm. Ryan: Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef. Michael: Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so… Ryan: We totally should. Michael: Tonight? Ryan: I gotta work on this. Michael: Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check. Ryan: Yeah. [Michael closes the door] Dwight: And now, by show of applause, we will crown this year’s hay king. All in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for… Mixed Bread. [crowd applauds] And let’s hear it for… Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick… [all three contestants begging for Dwight to pick them] Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King! [crowd leaves disgusted, as Dwight’s worker claps] Dwight: Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes. Man: So, if I were to call Dunder Mifflin and ask for Miss Angela Martin, would I get through to you? Angela: You would. And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife, would I get through to you? Man: My wife passed away a few years ago. Angela: How tragic. Very sorry to hear that. Man: Thank You. Kevin: [still stuck in maze] Help! Hello?! Oh! Help! [Kevin runs around the maze] Daryl: [opens the door the Ryan’s office, grabs him by the shirt, pulls him out of his chair] Consider it a WUPHF in person. [Darryl shoves Ryan down to a chair] Andy: You’re doing the wrong thing. You’re gonna lose Michael’s investment. You’re gonna lose ours. Daryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back. Tell Mike To Sell. Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he’ll sell. Ryan: I’m betting on myself. Stanley: It’s a bad bet. Michael: Hello. Ryan: Hey. It’s an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they’re wrong? Daryl: It’s not that we don’t believe in the company, We don’t believe in you. Andy: All those in favor of selling, say aye. [all say “aye”] Michael: I. Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay. Daryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in High School? Stanley: Michael, are you that blind? Michael: I’m not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. [all seem to be in agreement] Michael: And he’s also clever. And he shoots incredibly high. And he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn’t, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground. Andy: You’re gonna lose all of our money. Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody’s money. Ryan: Oh… Uh, That’s a lot of pressure. I--I’m gonna need some more time. Michael: You can’t have it. Ryan: Okay. I won’t let you down. [Ryan goes back into his office and shuts the door] Dwight: Angela? [slides open the door] Angela! [see’s a note on the door, reads it, and then crumples it up] Michael: The world sends people your way… Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that you’re dealt. [camera pans to different people in the office] Jim, that guy is an ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my queen. That’s easy. Gimme a hard one. That’s what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam’s a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two. But sometimes twos can be wild. So, watch out. And I am obviously the joker. So… [phone rings, computer chimes, etc] Michael: That’s Uh… Robotic Voice: WUPHF, from Ryan Howard. Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride. Michael: Thank God. Jim: [puts his phone in his coffee mug and calls Gabe] Gabe: Gabe Lewis. Jo: [Jim’s edited version of her book on tape] Now listen here, Gabe, you’re too fat. No one’s gonna like you if you’re too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them. Gabe: Well, Jo-- Jo: Now, I love reading, and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One. I was born, not into luxury, nor poverty. [Gabe looks through Jo’s book] But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My Father was a man. That’s all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Street and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my-- Jim: [opens door to Gabe’s office] All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. [Gabe motions that he’s on the phone] Jim: ‘Cause I really think I made good use of my day. Oh, sorry. Jo: I’ve always been a fighter. And Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard--