Classy Christmas (Part 1)
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Rainn Wilson Transcribed By: Admin Nate: Got it. [taking a group photo outside] Pam: Okay let’s go in. I’m freezing. Michael: People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We’re gonna do a fun one. Jim: One Charlie’s Angels. One. Let’s go. Pam: Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one’s putting this on their fridge. Kevin: Oh, I got it, you guys, how ’bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, ‘why I oughta’, and the girls are like, ‘let’s go shopping!’. Andy: Let’s just jump in the air! Michael: That’s it! That’s a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We’re gonna jump in the air. Here we go. Pam: Okay. Nate: One, two, three. [everyone jumps at different times] Nate: Not everyone jumped. Michael: Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go. Nate: One, two, three. [everyone jumps] Nate: Still some people not jumping. Jim: You gotta be kidding me. Who isn’t jumping? Dwight: I’ll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar. Phyllis: I am jumping. Dwight: You are? Phyllis: Yes, I’m jumping. Dwight: Let me see you jump. [Phyllis barely jumps] Dwight: Oh, my God. This is a store-bought camera. This isn’t one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that. Pam: I’m freezing. Nate: Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She’s on the ground by ‘three’. Erin: I didn’t want to miss it. Andy: Well, if we all jump really high, we’ll be in the air longer. Do that. Oscar: Here’s a question nobody’s asking: Is this worth it? Michael: Don’t answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we’re all in the air at the same time. Yes? Oscar: Why? Michael: I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go. Nate: Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three. [some people jump] Michael: Two. [others jump] Michael: One. [others jump] Michael: Zero. [everyone begins to yell] Michael: We didn’t get it. Pam: I’m the office administrator now, which means I’m basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head… I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties. Pam: It hardly looks fake. It’s so lush. Jim: Why’s it smell real? [Pam shows him a hidden car-freshener] Jim: Ah… good one. Michael: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! [dressed as Santa] All: Merry Christmas. Michael: How’s everybody doing today? Erin: Good. Michael: How’s the party coming along? Pam: Great. Michael: Are we over budget? Pam: Nope. Michael: No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already? Meredith: Not yet! Michael: Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What’s the problem? Angela: Nothing. Should be fun. Michael: So, Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today? Stanley: [cheerily] Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I’m doing fine. Michael: Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy? Andy: Yea? Michael: Whatcha got? Andy: All good, Santa. Michael: Well, that’s a relief. Santa’s gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good! Michael: My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that’s what I want. That’s what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama. Kelly: It’s present time, you guys. [all react] Kelly: Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre. Gabe: We just want to say how grateful we are. Kelly: Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So, I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, “Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do.” Kelly: It’s a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve. Andy: Hello Kitty’s for girls. Pam: Nashua got mp3 players. Phyllis: Yeah, I don’t even have a laptop. Kelly: I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white. Meredith: Wow. Phyllis: Oh God. Dwight: Oh, come on. Kelly: I said, “I wonder.” I didn’t say, “I think.” Gabe: Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets. Kelly: Blankets, what am I, five? Gabe: Erin and I make great use of ours. Gabe: Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we’re still dating? Darryl: I’ll take one of those pink pouches. Darryl: I feel good today. My little girl Jada? It’s my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago, I had her, and we had the best time. I tivoed her favorite shows, some things I’ve never heard of. iCarly… You know who’s funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He’s got a nice way of talking. Jim: Hey, it’s snowing. Dwight: [mocking] Oh, my God! It’s the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams, hmm? It’s not even a real snow. Look, it’s a dusting. Pitiful. Jim: [Jim goes outside, makes a snowball, and brings it back inside] Hey, Dwight. [Jim throws the snowball at Dwight and everyone laughs] Dwight: Damn it, Jim, you cannot throw snowballs in here! Jim: Well, it’s not a snowball, ’cause it’s only a dusting. Right? Dwight: Look at that. There’s a pebble in there. You coulda killed me. Phyllis: Oh, don’t be such a baby. Stanley: Yeah, who’s a little girl now? [everyone laughs] Dwight: You apologise to me right now. Jim: You’ve got something on your nose. Dwight: You apologise right now. Jim: No. Dwight: Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter. Jim: You got it. Andy: That sounds awesome. Can we all do it? Dwight: No, Andy, it’s a snowball fight. It’s not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it. [Jim continues to shake Dwight’s hand] Dwight: Jim, let go. Let go. Kevin: Angela, are you bringing you new boyfriend to the party. Angela: I wouldn’t subject Robert to that. He’s a very busy senator. Oscar: State senator. Angela: I would not expect you to know what it’s like to date someone in the public arena. Oscar: Who are you dating in the public arena? Angela: The senator. Kevin: Oh, right. The state senator. Angela: We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptroller’s wife. Kevin: Oh, that would be impressive… if anyone knew what a comptroller was. Oscar: Well… Angela: Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. “Angela…” [imitates camera shooting] “over here, Angela…” [imitates camera shooting] “here. Look here!” Pam: Before we kick off the party, I just want to remind everyone that an office party is just that… Michael: Yeah! Pam: A party. It’s not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind. Michael: Pam? Pam? Dwight: Pam? Pam: Wow, there are, there are questions to that. Okay. Um, you know what, no questions. Last item on the agenda, Toby would like to make an announcement. Toby: Hi guys. Michael: Hi. Toby: Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I’ll be taking a leave of absence starting next week. Michael: Uh, because you’ve been on the Lam? Because the ‘boring police’ have been after you, and they finally caught up with you? Toby: Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case. Michael: Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby! Dwight: Death to Toby! Toby: Okay, that’s hurtful talk. We’ve talked about that. You know, I don’t interrupt your announcements. Michael: You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do? Phyllis: What’s the case, Toby? Toby: Well, I really can’t talk about it, but it’s a very high-profile case. Andy: Is it criminal? Toby: Yes. Andy: Have we heard of it? Toby: I don’t know. Dwight: Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave? Toby: Come on. Meredith: Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail? Toby: Guys, it’s a really big deal. [rubs his neck] Ryan: He’s rubbing his neck. He’s rubbing his neck! Kelly: He’s rubbing his neck. Ryan: He’s rubbing his neck. Andy: Oh, Scranton Strangler! [all react] Toby: I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let’s just say I’ll be up to my neck in jury duty. [excited outbursts] Michael: That was the worst joke ever. Toby: Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while. Michael: Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye. Toby: Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch. Michael: What? What? Toby: Yeah, uh, she’ll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know. Michael: Hold on, Holly’s coming back here? Toby: Yeah. Erin: Guys, who’s Holly? Michael: That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future? Erin: Wow. Creed: She’s one sassy black lady. Michael: Holly’s coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party. Gabe: I’m not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party. Michael: You know what, we’ll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree. Dwight: Okay. Michael: Cancel. We’re cancelling it. [Michael starts to throw away all of the food] Angela: No, don’t throw those out! Michael: No, we have to cancel the party. Angela: We can save that. Michael: No, no, no, we’re gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new. Andy: I bought these. Michael: I know. Andy: These cookies are fine. Michael: It’s not. They’re not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go. Pam: Michael, Michael, wait we don’t have, we don’t have the budget for another party. Michael: Well then everybody’ll chip in, it’ll be fine. Pam: I honestly think you’re idealising people here again, Michael. I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Michael: You know what, I’ll pay for it. I’ll pay for the party. It doesn’t matter. This is way too important. People, Holly’s coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work. Michael: Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person’s breath away. Michael: We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they’ve never been cool. [imitating Sean Connery] The name is Bond… Santa Bond. I’ll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa… wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can’t get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He’s not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus… God! Ow! [camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael’s pants] Angela: Just stop moving your calves so much while you’re talking. Michael: Well, this year’s gonna be different. We’re gonna have fun. It’s not gonna be tacky. It’s going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It’s not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It’s gonna be cool, sleek Santa. Angela: Maybe I’ll bring my boyfriend. I’ll invite him. Michael: Okay. Sure. Angela: I mean, unless there’s any chance there could be press at this party. Michael: You never know about the press. Angela: Well, I only ask because he’s a senator. Michael: Could he help us with some parking tickets? Angela: I don’t think that’s appropriate. Michael: Well, then he’s not a senator. Angela: Yes, he is. Michael: Okay. Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey. Jim: We still doing the gifts today? [Pam nods] Jim: I mean, it is the Christmas party. Well, the classy Christmas party. Pam: Yes. But don’t get too excited, ’cause I didn’t have a lot of time this year. Jim: Me neither. Whew. Pam: Okay. Pam: I’ve been working forever on Jim’s present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He’ll take a memory or a private joke, and he’ll create something totally unique. I love them. So, this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes ‘bear man’. Wreaks havoc on the office. It’s really good. Jim: [A note is on Jim’s computer that says, “It is time. Parking lot at noon.” Jim nods and hands it to Dwight who burns it] Michael: Okay… [sighs] Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no! Pam: No, it has the little… Michael: Pam, no, no. Holly’s coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it’s a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you. Bass Player: Hi, I’m looking for Michael Scott. Michael: Yes, that’s me. Come on it. Michael: [scats awkwardly] There’s nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what’s better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day? Pam: Hey, uh, any volunteers to come with me to go buy a Christmas tree? Kevin: I would, but I don’t want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party. Pam: Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It’s just us. Andy: I will help. Although my ‘brid’, my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won’t fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis. Kevin: Yeah. Andy: I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup. Pam: Oh, do you mean Darryl? That’s a great idea. I’ll ask him. Andy: You know Darryl? Pam: Yeah. He works here. We all know him. Andy: I should come along, just ’cause he’s my, you know, he’s my hookup. Pam: Cool. Darryl: Come on, now, Justine, look… Listen, look, I’ve been planning this, okay? You cannot do this, Justine. Justine: [on the phone] I’m not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here. Darryl: She did? Justine: Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas. Darryl: I don’t know… I thought I was enough family for my daughter. [Pam knocks on Darryl’s door] Darryl: Don’t come in, I’m busy. [Pam opens the door] Andy: It’s cool, Darryl, I’m here too. Pam: Hey, sorry, I really didn’t want to come in. It’s just that we have to go buy a new Christmas tree, and we’re hoping we could borrow your truck. Darryl: Uh, no. Andy: Come on, it’ll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back. Darryl: No. Thank you for your interest in my truck. Pam: Okay. Sorry. We’ll uh, we’ll leave you alone. Darryl: Hey… [sighs] You know what, I could use a breath of fresh air. Let’s do it. Michael: When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her. Erin: I’ve looked her up online… there’s nothing about her. She’s made no impression on the internet. Michael: She doesn’t need an internet presence, you just know. Erin: Oh… Toby: Hey. Michael: What the hell are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in the courthouse. Toby: Uh, we’re on recess. I came for the party. Hey, everyone. Kevin: Hi, Toby. Meredith: What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings. Kevin: Yeah. Meredith: That scowl. Toby: I can’t talk about it or I’ll get removed from the jury. Michael: And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions. Toby: I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realise I have something to say. And then one day, we’re just talking. Jim: [standing outside, dials Dwight’s cell phone] Dwight: [voicemail recording] You’ve reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave… [Jim hangs up and turns for the door, it is pad locked, Jim turns as Dwight springs from a nearby snowman and pelts him with snowballs] Dwight: Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Jim: Stop! Stop! Dwight: Ahh! Jim: Oh… oh! Dwight: [grunting, shouting] Dwight: I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it. Dwight: [dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim, then rests his foot on Jim and raises his arms in the air] Haahh!! [runs off] Jim: Um, I was laying on the ground, defenceless, and uh, he just kept throwing ’em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, [cell phone chimes] then… [reading text message] “How ’bout icing it? lol. Dwight.” Holly: Hi. Erin: Hello. Holly: Is there any way I can get a hand with these, please? Erin: I’m really sorry, I can’t help you. I’m waiting for my boss’ pretty friend to arrive. Michael: There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God’s sake? Erin: Oh, you’re Holly! Of course. Sorry. Michael: Hello. Holly: [weak Clint Eastwood accent] Well, well, well, if it isn’t Michael Scott. You old bastard. Michael: [imitating her accent] Well, I never thought I’d see your face around these parts, you old bastard. Holly: Well, I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard. Michael: [as Curly] Why, you’re some sorta wise guy, huh? Holly: [as Curly] I most certainly am. Michael: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Holly: Unnnnnnngh! Michael: [as Homer] D’oh! Holly: [as Marge] Oh, Homey. [they both laugh] Jim: Okay… Holly’s back. Michael: Hi. Hi. Oh… [they hug] Holly: [in monster voice] Oh, huggy monster! Michael: Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don’t wanna die! I don’t wanna die! I don’t wanna die! [both sigh] Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly. Holly: Hi. Kevin: Did you bring us anything from Nashua? Holly: Oh, yeah. I brought um, some maple candy. But I have to admit, I got a little hungry on the drive, and I ate some of them. Michael: That’s adorable. Holly: Would you put those out? Erin: To throw out? Or put out, like, six pieces for everyone? Holly: Oh, it’s so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It’s like a party for limousine drivers. Michael: Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party. Holly: Oh, it’s fabulous. I love what you did. Michael: Isn’t it wonderful? We love it here. Don’t you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk. Holly: [in the same accent] Watch out for my guns they’re both loaded. [makes gun noises] Michael: What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter? Jim: Aww… Holly: It’s a pea shoot… Michael: This is weird. I can’t believe you’re here. This feels like you never left. Doesn’t it? Holly: Yeah, kind of. Michael: Oh… Holly: Oh… Michael: Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! [the both chuckle] Oh, I love toy… Holly: AJ gave me that. Michael: Well, that’s understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character? Holly: Mmhmm. Michael: You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy’s mom. Holly: Why? Michael: Because without Andy’s mom, there’s no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie. Holly: That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn’t seen any of the Toy Story movies. Michael: You’re kidding me. Ahh! Holly: No. I know. I was like, “What? Are you serious?” Michael: What a douche bag! Holly: Get a life! Michael: Get a… yeah! Good riddance. Holly: We sat down and we watched them all in one day. Michael: Mmhmm. Holly: Now he’s the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever. Michael: Good for him. Holly: Next day I found him in my bed. Michael: Really? That’s creepy. How did AJ get in your house? Holly: We live together. Michael: Oh, you do? Holly: He had a little note pinned to him that said, “You’ve got a friend in me.” Michael: [fighting back tears] Yeah, Randy Newman’s the best. Holly: Yeah. I love him. Michael: Me too. Andy: [singing] Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won’t you be my Christmas tree. Pam: Hey, how about this one? Andy: Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is? Pam: Maybe. I mean… Darryl: [on the phone] I just, no, she be talking to your mom or something. This is my daughter too, Justine! You seem to think, [Justine hangs up] oh… pick a damn tree already. Pam: Um, hey, Darryl, listen, it’s none of my business, but if I couldn’t have Cece for Christmas, I’d be really upset too. Andy: I don’t have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I’m going to kill myself. Darryl: Jada don’t want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasn’t as much fun. And how could she say that? You know, I took her to the toy store to buy her own presents. Pam: Well Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents. Darryl: Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess that’s something to do. Pam: No, you should have her mom do the boring Christmas stuff on her time. You should be associated with the fun parts of Christmas. Darryl: How do I do that? Pam: Bring her to the party. Yeah, we’ll have Santa, and we’ll play games with her. It’ll be a lot of fun. Andy: Yes. Pam: You’ll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night.