Ultimatum
Written By: Carrie Kemper Directed By: David Rogers Transcribed By: Admin Man: Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday’s meeting. Dwight: Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey! Jim: Oh. Dwight: This meeting is for Knights of the Night only. Dwight: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We’re often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us. Jim: I’m actually just looking for my Blackberry, so, carry on. Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs, ha, ha, ha… screw you! Man: Dwight don’t be bothered by your friend’s presence. Dwight: What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leader’s weird voice? Huh? [mimicking the leader’s voice] Dwight, don’t be bothered by the [mumbles]. Over the line, Jim. Jim: I’m just looking for my phone, so… pretend I’m not here. Dwight: Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. That’s our official name, Jim. Jim: Sounds good. Dwight: Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them. Jim: Smart. Dwight: And the rest was just [mumbles]stuff. Man: Go ahead and read it, some people weren’t here. Dwight: Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag. Jim: Oh, come on, that sounds awesome. Member: It was pretty cool. Jim: Was it? Member: It was fun. Dwight: It was pretty awesome. Jim: [answers phone] Hey! Yeah. No, I got it. Just leaving now. Michael: January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I--okay, let’s switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let’s push through. We’ll do this. Michael: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year’s or they break up. Now, if she’s engaged, I’m gonna go crazy, and I’m gonna start attacking people. If she’s not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down. Michael: [filming video] Michael, I know what you’re thinking. Holly’s engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it’s not. Erin: [giggles] Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it’s snot. I am so sorry. Michael: Okay, so killing yourself. [laughs] I was just thinking about snot. Angela: Good morning. Pam: Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year’s resolution on them, I’ll collect them, and then display them on… da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board. Dwight: Wow. Did your baby draw that? Angela: The glitter is blinding. Phyllis: I think it’s good. Pam: It’s gonna be fun. Pam: I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she’s awesome. Phyllis: I know Sue. She’s not that great. And you know her husbands in a wheelchair, right? Erin: Okay, champagne. Michael: Happy. Erin: Sponge. Michael: Sad. To soak up my tears. Erin: Gummi bears and gummi worms. Michael: Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin. Erin: Ukuleles happy? Michael: Sad, something to break. Erin: Chocolates. Michael: For you, job well done. Erin: Thank you! And two bottles of scotch. Michael: Both sad. Erin: And did you get the tickets? Michael: I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly’s favorite. I hope she doesn’t call us up on stage. That would suck. “Hey, you think you can do my job better?” I don’t know. “What’s your name?” Michael. Erin: I’m really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he’ll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life! Pam: Oh, hey, guys! I’d like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine. His name is New Year’s resolution board. Michael: Shaaa-shut up. Hello. Kelly: What happened? Is there a ring? Michael: So… high five me. We’re back. To a happy… [grabs Holly’s hand] look at those! Mittens. Are those a present? Kelly: [whispering] Come on! Holly: They’re warm. Michael: They’re so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put ‘er there. Give me a good firm… ooh! That’s a good firm handshake. You’re hired! Yes, let’s get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Yes, yes, right away. Dwight: Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat up to 90, smoke her out? She can’t keep those mittens on forever. Michael: Yes, no, why? Stop! Yes. Kevin: [Holly takes off mittens revealing no ring on her ring finger] Congratu-ohhh. Kelly: Wow. Michael: Oh my God! That’s it! That’s it! Holly: Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum. Kelly: Yes, I told everyone. Holly: [sticking both ring fingers up] Ha ha, ha ha! Kevin: Hey! [sticking up middle finger] Right back atcha, bitch! Michael: Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy! Video Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe. Michael: I’m trying! Video Michael: I said breathe! Michael: I’m trying! Video Michael: Wait a second, are you listening to music? Michael: What? Video Michael: Shut that off! Michael: I’m not listening to music! Video Michael: Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin’ good! You’re lookin’ good. [roping Michael in] Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I’m pulling you back! Michael dance off! Michael: Go! Oh, that’s nice. Video Michael: Go! Michael: Me? Okay. Erin: Go! Video Michael: Nice! We’re gonna calm down later. Michael: I’m good. Erin: Oh, yeah! Michael: Oh my God! [sprays champagne on Erin] Pam: Hey, Dwight, I’m collecting resolution cards. Dwight: Not doing that. Pam: Why not? Dwight: I’ve achieved plenty and there’s no better than the best. Andy: Drink less caffeine. That’s a good one, Pam. Here’s mine. Pam: Learn to cook for one! Andy: Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so… two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one. Pam: Well, maybe you’ll meet someone. Andy: No, some people don’t just meet someone. I’m fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It’s not a party at all. It’s just sad. Pam: Angela. Angela: Yes. Pam: Make time for romance! Oscar: Who’s the senator? Angela: My boyfriend. Oscar: Oh, you mean the state senator. I’m sorry, I was confused, because you accidentally wrote ‘the senator’. Angela: Ugh. Dwight: Wait, it’s that easy? That’s not a resolution, that’s just… something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that… [sticks note card on board, makes trumpet sound] My resolution is… meet a loose woman. Angela: Oh, God. Andy: That’s a good one. Dwight: Yeah. Andy: You know what, that’s my new one. I’m taking that one, too. Dwight: Awesome. Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There’s tons of cuties and it’s easy to talk to them. ‘Hey, what book is that? Cool, let’s hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa…’ Andy: The bookstore? Dwight: It’s that easy? Darryl: I’ll come with you, show you how it’s done. Dwight: Okay, I’ll drive. Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl. Michael: Hello! Oh, somebody’s got a new phone! Holly: Yeah. Michael: That is neat. Holly: I got it for Christmas. I’m so out of my league here. Michael: [imitating E.T.] E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone? Holly: [imitating E.T.] Holly misses old phone. Michael: [imitating E.T.] Why? Holly: [imitating E.T.] New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception. Michael: [imitating E.T.] Bummer. Holly: [imitating E.T.] Bummer. Michael: [imitating E.T.] Reese’s Pieces. Holly: [imitating E.T.] Reese’s Pieces? Kelly: Oh, God, please stop! Michael: I still have my old phone. This thing… indestructible. [slams phone on desk, phone breaks] Holly: [reaches for her cell phone] Oh, I should get this. Hey! Oh, no, don’t go see that one, I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too. All right. Michael: Holly doesn’t seem to be engaged, but she’s talking to AJ like she is. I can’t figure it out. Do you think she’s already dating a different AJ? Pam: I don’t think so. Michael: When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him? Pam: No. Michael: But you did still love him. Pam: I’m not… I’m not going to have… Michael: Do you love him now? Pam: No! Just talk to her. Michael: No. She’d just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. [disgusted voice] Oh, hi friend! Blegh. Phyllis: I’ll talk to her, Michael. Michael: You think she’d talk to you? Phyllis: Why wouldn’t she? Michael: That’s true. She’s really nice. She’d talk to anybody. Why don’t you bring Erin to balance you out? Pam: There’s a plan. Andy: All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel. Dwight: I’ll take the entirety of the second floor. Darryl: I got that cutie behind the counter. Bookstore employee: Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They’re really neat. Darryl: Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold like, ten books at once. Bookstore employee: Actually, it’s ten thousand. Darryl: Holy [bleep], what? Let me see that. It’s so light. Like a croissant. Andy: Hi. Customer: Hi. Dwight: Welcome. Andy: Let us know if you need anything. Customer: Thanks. Andy: Why did we pretend like we work here? Dwight: Is that what we were doing? Darryl: Hey, how’d you do? Andy: Good! Dwight: Good. Real good. Darryl: Really? Dwight: Yeah, yeah! Andy: We kinda nailed it. Dwight: Yeah, pretty much. But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out, so. Let’s roll. Darryl: Cool. Dwight: Okay. What’d you get? Darryl: A book about oceans. Dwight: Oh, really? What else? Let me see. Darryl: No, that’s uh. Porn. Pornography. Old lady… nasty… porn. Phyllis: [whispering] Follow my lead. Hey, want some company? Erin: Want some company? Holly: Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks? Phyllis: Oh, really good, I went to Portugal. Erin: I went to Portugal. Holly: Oh, wow… you went together? Phyllis: No. Erin: No. Phyllis: So, I’ve just gotta know. What’s going on with you and AJ? Holly: Nothing really happened. I mean, I know I made a big deal about this whole New Year’s deadline, but um, it came and went… and we’re still together. Phyllis: You didn’t break up with AJ at all? I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present? Holly: It just wasn’t fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place. The whole thing is totally my fault. But we’re going to be just fine. Just fine. Darryl: Whoa! Hold on. Dwight: I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution. Darryl: [Dwight heads toward a strip club] Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh. Dwight: Come on, why not? I’ve never been in one before. I’m tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time. Darryl: I’m telling you, don’t do it. I’ve got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can’t unsee that. Dwight: Well, we can’t just go back, I mean, we came out to meet women. Andy: Hey, there’s a roller rink across the street! There’s always chicks at the rink. Darryl: What kind of chicks are you going to meet there? Andy: I don’t know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten-year reunion parties. Dwight: Chicks fall down, need help getting back up. Andy: Roller derby practice! Darryl: We’re going skating. Pam: The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who’s been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it. Erin: Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely. Pam: Cool! Here’s a little ‘way to go’ gift from Sabre. [tosses Erin a Frisbee] Gabe: Intercepted! Erin: Hey! Gabe. Gabe: Whoops. Pam: Creed. I noticed you don’t have a resolution on the board. What’s yours? Creed: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel. Pam: How is it going? Creed: I’m having a little trouble motivating. Pam: One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them. In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February. Michael: Or sooner. Pam: Yeah. Michael: That’s not a joke. Pam: But that’s okay. Because it’s not about being perfect, it’s about trying. In fact, why don’t we go around and confess some of the ways that we’ve fudged on some of our resolutions? Kevin: Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven’t yet. But it’s okay. I still have time, since last year, I ate none. Pam: Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that’s fine. Michael: Is it? Pam: Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I’ll be down to one glass of iced tea a week. Michael: Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere. Kevin: Well not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott. Michael: What is wrong with you people? Can’t you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing’s stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel! Creed: Well, I can’t, I don’t know how. Michael: You’re just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what’s going to be on your tombstone? Loser. Creed: My tombstones already made, thank you. Michael: Just do a cartwheel! Erin: This is all I could find. Michael: [holding broccoli in front of Kevin] Eat it. Pam: You don’t have to do that, Kevin. Kevin: I don’t know. I’m glad this is happening. Thank you, Michael. Kelly: Why are you eating stem first? Kevin: This is a new food for me, how else should I eat it? Ryan: The other way. Kevin: Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise? Michael: No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go. Pam: Oh, Michael. Michael: Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it. Kevin: God, I hate it. Michael: I don’t care whether you hate it! You said you’d do it! Angela: All right! Michael: Eat it! Kelly: You’re killing him, Michael! Michael: All right, all right, shh! Kevin: All right, I ate the fluffy part, can I be done? Michael: Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. [reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out] Oh, God! You guys are pathetic. Kevin: Can I get some candy, or something? Michael: No! You can’t have any candy! Oscar: I’ll get him water. Pam: Okay, Michael, just settle down. Michael: [imitating E.T.] Holly Flax. Holly: Yes, Michael? Michael: [imitating E.T.] Not Michael, E.T. Holly: What’s up? Michael: Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there. Holly: Oh, no, Michael, I don’t want to talk about it with you. I mean, I’m fine, I just… I don’t want to talk about it. Michael: Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room. Creed: You think? Michael: And I wanted to apologise. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax. Kevin: You were super mean. Michael: It was insensitive and I am sorry. Kevin: It was traumatising, Michael. I wouldn’t be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again. Michael: I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies… I… care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line. Kevin: Okay, Michael, no offense, but you need to get your own life. Michael: You’re right. And I hope that we can still be friends. Creed: I don’t think I’m there yet, Boss. Kevin: Well, I am. [hugs Michael] Michael: Okay, oh! All right. Kevin: I’m going to help you. Michael: Okay. DJ: [at the skating rink] Hey, uh. It’s just you. Anything you want to hear? Andy: Um… Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only. DJ: Okay. [Ants Go Marching starts playing] Andy: I said no hits! Ryan: I just feel blocked. Like I’m living, but I’m not… Kevin: Hey, Ryan. Ryan: Yeah. Kevin: How’s your fart project coming? Ryan: That’s real, real classy, Kevin. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to? Kevin: Me. Pam: Kevin, don’t! Come on! Kelly: Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine! Pam: Yeah, just a little, I have a lot to deal with today. Meredith: [holding a pack of cigarettes] Well, if you don’t have to do 'em… Kelly: Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant! Ryan: Okay, no. Kelly: My resolution was to get more attention. Ryan: No, she’s lying. Kevin: Hey, Ryan. [taps board, makes farting noise] Erin: One, two, three. [does cartwheel] I did it! I did a cartwheel! Creed: [bleep] you! [bleep] you! God! Pam: Okay, that’s it. Pam: [throws resolution board away in dumpster] Lesson learned. Darryl: Sup? Andy: Hey! Where did you go? Darryl: To the arcade. Andy: Oh, cool. Darryl: Why, did you meet someone? Andy: Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him. Darryl: Right on, son. Dwight: Gentlemen. Andy: And where did you go? Dwight: Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club. Darryl: Right. DJ: So, that’s it, guys? If you want, I can put on the strobe. Dwight: Yeah! Erin: You want to keep this? Michael: No. Erin: Do you want to keep this? Michael: Yup. Erin: Do you want to keep this? Michael: You can toss them. Michael: My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it’s from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully. Holly: We’re gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine… just fine… just fine… just fine… Holly: I just think we need to cool things down for a while. Yeah, a break. At least until I get back to Nashua. Yeah, I’m sure. Michael: Look at where you’re going to be doing the cartwheel. So, look at where you’re going to be placing your hands. So, pick a spot. Creed: Mmmhm. Michael: You ready to do this? Creed: Yes, sir. Michael: You know what? I’m going to stay here as long as it takes. Creed: I really appreciate it, Boss. Michael: It’s about you. It’s about you. Go! Creed: I did it! Michael: You did? Creed: The perfect cartwheel. Michael: Okay. Creed: What a rush! That’s all I had to do all year. Michael: Congratulations. All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow.