The Search
Written By: Brent Forrester Directed By: Michael Spiller Transcribed By: Admin Kelly: Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement. Erin: Oh my gosh! Phyllis: Wow. Kelly: Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground] Meredith: Sweet! Free Ring! Andy: Divorced? Ryan: Just so you know, it’s totally amicable. We’re fine. We don’t need people here to take sides. Kelly: The last thing that we want is any kind of drama. Pam: Wait. Can you back up? What’s the story? Kelly: We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot. Ryan: It’s not irrelevant. Details Kelly: And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said… Ryan and Kelly: I don’t think I should be married to you anymore. Kevin: What? Andy: Sorry, when did you get married? Kelly: Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right. Andy: And you didn’t invite any of us? Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time. Kelly: God baby, you know, people’s reactions to this… maybe we made a mistake. Ryan: No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don’t want to be married until everyone can be married. Oscar: You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we’re okay with it. We agree it’s fine if you got married. Ryan: No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can! Kelly: Ryan, I changed my mind. Ryan: Okay fine, you know what, this actually isn’t amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side? Kelly: And who is on my side? [no one raises their hand] Jim: All right. Bye. Pam: Bye. Jim: Let’s Go! Michael: Just a minute. How long do we have to wait? Holly: For what? Michael: You broke up with AJ weeks ago. Holly: Don’t you have a sales call to go on? Michael: I don’t understand. I really don’t. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now? Holly: We don’t know that. Michael: Sure we do. Holly: Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together? Michael: Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody. Holly: Michael, I can’t keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I’m working with. Well, you can understand that. Michael: Yeah, I understand. I just don’t agree. Holly: Well you don’t have to agree. Michael: Yes I do. Holly: No you don’t. Michael: Yes I do. Holly: No, you can have your own opinion. Michael: I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you. Jim: He’s going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with. Pam: Aw you’ll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny “Jim” game. Jim: That’s it? That’s all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today? Pam: All right, what’d you do? Jim: Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art. Pam: Where’d you put it? Jim: Where’d I put what? Michael: Let’s go. Jim: Oh, sorry gotta go. Pam: Say it. Where? Jim: Okay fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you’re really getting warmer. Pam: The fridge. Jim: Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance. Pam: The fridge, got it. Jim: And the final clue… Michael: Let’s go! Jim: You know what, just think about it, you’ll be fine. Pam: Bye. Erin: Holly is ruining Michael’s life. He thinks she is so special. And she’s so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she’s a perfect 40. It’s nuts. Jim: Cheer up. We made a sale. Michael: Just drive faster. I want to get back. Jim: Well, I’m going the speed limit. So… Michael: Okay, fine. My feelings don’t matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit. Jim: Someone’s in a bad mood. Michael: No, I’m not. I’m not in a bad mood. I’m not, Jim. Hello? Okay fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let’s just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim? Jim: Alright, let me turn on some music. Michael: I need to pee. Jim: No, you don’t. Michael: Yeah, I do. My word against yours. Jim: Alright. Well, we’ll be there in ten minutes. Michael: What part of “I need to pee” do you not understand? I’m upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car. Jim: Alright, well if I see a gas station, I’ll pull over. Michael: Well, I hope I make it. Jim: Hello? Helen: Hi Jim, it’s Helen. Jim: Hey Helen. Is everything okay? Helen: Everything is fine. Baby’s fine. She has a tiny fever. I’m taking her for a check-up. Nothing to worry about. Jim: Okay… Helen: A tiny thing. I locked her in the car. Jim: What? Helen: She’s smiling. She’s happy. Jim: Oh my God. Helen: Jim, I don’t have a spare key. Jim: Just stay there. I’ll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He’s coming out but I have to go because it’s an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please? Guy: [towards bathroom] Hello? [gives up and drives off] Pam: This is Pam. Jim: Hey it’s me. So uh, don’t worry. Everything’s okay. Pam: What’s wrong? Jim: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You’re not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you? Pam: Jim, what? Jim: Uh, so, CeCe had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car. Pam: Oh God! What?! Jim: No, no, no it’s okay. So, CeCe is with daddy now. She’s laughing and she’s happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra. Pam: Okay. She’s, okay? Jim: Yes, and your mom got a very well-deserved day off. So, here’s the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet. Pam: Understood. Jim: And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me. Pam: Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a “Ask Pam Beasley”. … Did the phone cut off? Jim: Nope. Pam: Alright, just call me after the doctor. Jim: Okay. Bye. Pam: Bye. Michael: I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn’t here and I am worried that he has been abducted. Attendant: No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away. Michael: There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He’s my… Okay. May I please just use your phone? Please! Attendant: Just make it quick. Michael: Okay. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don’t have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, okay. What is it? Attendant: You don’t know it. Michael: You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim’s number. Attendant: He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away. Michael: Actually, this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that’s enough. Okay. Holly: It’s the gas station on Benet Street? Pam: Yeah. Holly: Okay. Erin: You know what? Why don’t you stay and I’ll go? Holly: Oh no no no. I’ll be fine. Erin: It’s kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along. Dwight: Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I’m going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat. Pam: Cute. [enters office area] Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I’m not even kidding. They’re pretty good. Oscar: Which on in particular? Andy: Yeah, which one? Pam: Well, the first one has a surprise factor. “I’m a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!” Andy: Boo-yea! [office laughs] Gabe: No no. No no no. Pam: But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line. Oscar: You suppose? Darryl: What’s it say? Oscar: “I’m supposed to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again.” Gabe: Okay. [office laughs] No, no, no. Kevin: Red gloves. Darrly: Keep it real. Pam: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging. Darryl: And I will take you all down. Andy: You? Darryl: I’ve been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me. Andy: Oh, it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton. Pam: Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea. Okay, it will just take me ten minutes. Andy: Woo-hoo. Kevin: I can’t wait. Dwight: Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial. Erin: He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox. Attendant: Yeah, he just left. Holly: Which way did he go? Dwight: Hey, hey, hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way. Holly: Oh, really? You don’t think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it? Attendant: She’s right. He went that way. Dwight: Alright. Don’t get a swelled head. You’re no tracker. [Dwight and Erin low-five] Let’s ride. Michael: [at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don’t get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You’re so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That’s a metaphor, I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You’ll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I’m being serious. Seriously. Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Dwight: Has Michael checked in? Pam: Oh, hey Dwight. Dwight: I asked you a question. Pam: No, he hasn’t. Dwight: Goodbye. Pam: No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought… Dwight: Pam, this isn’t a shopping trip. Erin: No. Dwight: This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission. Pam: Okay. I, just, when you are done or any time it’s convent, I just thought since you are out… Dwight: Pam, I’m obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up. Pam: Okay, well it wasn’t obvious so… [phone hangs up] Dwight: No word from Michael. Holly: Oh. Pam: Ta-da! Kevin: Okay, it’s two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island. Oscar: Okay. I got one. Pam: Yeah? Oscar: Yes! Gabe: Okay, I’m sorry but I am going to have to shut this down. Office: Boo! Meredith: Why? Gabe: Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It’s either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed. Darryl: Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game. Gabe: Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for. Oscar: Irony is such a critical… Gabe: Number two: no pop culture references. Pam: Seriously? Oscar: Wow. Gabe: I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don’t get the reference, making them feel like the other. Darryl: Wrap it up, Gabe. Gabe: Okay final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let’s all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre. Gabe: Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-it notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day. Gabe: Go get ’em. Start quipin’. Oscar: Pam, I think I’m going to send you an IM. Pam: Oh! Okay. Darryl: Send me one too. Andy: Yeah, yeah. Put me on that. Phyllis: C.C Kevin: Ditto. Michael: Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don’t have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog. Hot Dog Guy: I’m not a pawn shop. Michael: Well, I understand that but this is a $45 watch. Hot Dog Guy: Wow. Michael: With that I can buy… half the menu. Hot Dog Guy: I can’t just go giving away hot dogs. Michael: All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don’t sell? Hot Dog Guy: Throw ’em away. Michael: Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don’t you just throw one away now into my mouth? Hot Dog Guy: No. Michael: Okay. You’ve just lost my business. Dwight: Hey. Erin: Hey, you were in there forever. Dwight: There’s too many brands. Where’s Holly? Erin: She wandered off like an idiot. Dwight: Hey! Holly: Hey. Dwight: What are you doing? Holly: Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I’ll take my free stress ball too now. Cell Phone Salesperson: Sure thing. Here you go, Miss… Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original. Holly: What? Cell Phone Salesperson: You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me. Dwight: Tootenbacher. Erin: Orville Tootenbacher. That’s Michael’s millionaire character that… Dwight and Erin: farts popcorn. Dwight: Of course. He was here. She’s the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly? Holly: Are their egg rolls really that big? Michael: Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it? Waiter: No problem. Michael: Okay. I’ll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realise I can’t do that to you fine people. Waiter: So, you can’t pay for your food? Michael: Well, I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing. Waiter: You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much. Michael: Well, the number three is not such a giant feast. Waiter: [calling to the back] Mr. Chu! Micahel: Okay, all right. You know what? Waiter: You were trying to steal food from us? Michael: I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I… okay. I’ll be back later with the money. I’m just gonna leave right now. Waiter: You can’t. We’ll stop you. Michael: Well, I think I can get through the door. Dwight: Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian… Erin: [point to picture] It’s Michael! Waiter: He just left. Erin: You knew. Holly: What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What… what are you implying? Dwight: Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leaves here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don’t know. Do you know? Waiter: I think he was heading downtown. Dwight: He’s heading downtown. Gabe: So, what, no one’s even gonna try? Pam: Guess not. Gabe: Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive. Darryl: You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You’re a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. [notification tone] [laughter] Gabe: Hey… Stanley: [whispers] Click the “x” Phyllis: [whispers] I’m clicking! Stanley: In the box. Phyllis: I am clicking. Stanley: Woman, you’ve had a computer for years! Andy: Phyllis! Gabe: Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I’ll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don’t want to be your babysitter. Andy: Oooohhh. Gabe: “Darn it, Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.” [laughter] Kevin: Nice! Gabe: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn’t even include the fact that they’re dogs. Andy: Do the next one. Gabe: “Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you’re dreaming you’re a dog on a desert island.’ Darryl: Dreaming he’s a dog on an island. Gabe: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming? Phyllis: Well, if you think it’s so easy, Gabe, why don’t you try it? Gabe: Umm… “You don’t have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I’m the only one here.” Ha. Oscar: That’s tasteless, Gabe. Gabe: Tasteless? Oscar: Tasteless. Gabe: More tasteless than this…”is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let’s pee on it.” [laughter] Pam: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Phyllis: Yes. Kevin: Yes, well done! Oscar: Who’s is it? Who wrote that? Phyllis: Yeah, who wrote it? Angela: Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe. Erin: Where did he go, Holly? Holly: I have no idea. Dwight: Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that’s chirping to you, “this way, this way”? Holly: I don’t know. Dwight: Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we’re coming for you! Holly: Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that’s all. Dwight: All right then. Someone propose a plan. Erin: Okay. We fan out… Dwight: Not you, Erin. Holly: Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let’s just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below. Dwight: That is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next. Holly: Look, I’m not playing. I’m gonna go look for him. Erin: Good. We don’t need her. Dwight: Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right… I’m deep below the ocean’s surface in a submarine. A torpedo’s coming right at me. No. Damn it, that’s just my own imagination. Maybe he’s bowling. Holly: [walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael] Michael? Michael: Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here? Holly: What are you doing up here? Michael: I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin. Holly: Dunder Mifflin. Michael: Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much. Holly: I missed you too. Michael: Really? Holly: Yeah. Michael: Can I kiss you? Holly: Yeah. Michael: Okay. Phyllis: Maybe that’s not the best one. Keep reading. Gabe: Uh, it was. Meredith: Maybe it wasn’t. Gabe: “Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe.” Andy: Oh! [laughter] Phyllis: No, that’s not the one I was thinking of. Keep going. Gabe: “I know what it smells like but I didn’t roll in anything. It’s from listening to all of Gabe’s bull[bleep]. [laughter] “Isn’t this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I’m Gabe and I’m a weirdo.” Andy: [laughs] Gabe: “Gabe’s mom… hmm… Gabe’s mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her.” Phyllis: Yeah, there you go. [laughter]