PDA
Written By: Robert Padnick Directed By: Greg Daniels Transcribed By: Admin Pam: Hey. How you doing? Darryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot. Pam: Yeah. Darryl: She was about to turn 97. Pam: At least she lived a very long and I’m sure, a very happy life. Got you this card. When you’re ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we’re thinking about you. Darryl: Thank you. “Congratulations, Darryl. Let’s get wasted.” “Have fun today, big guy.” “Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop.” Pam: It’s possible that some people thought it was your birthday. Darryl: “Hooray. Live it up big D.” “Days like this don’t come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this”? Andy: Birthday punches! [softly punching Darryl in the stomach] One two three four five six seven eight! Pam: I’m so sorry. Darryl: [tears welling up in his eyes] Andy: …thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six! … Andy: …So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and I’m taking Rachel. She’s picking me up after work. Darryl: Rachel from the party? Andy: Oh, yeah! Darryl: Nice. Do the damn thing. – Pow! [they fist bump and explode] Phyllis: Blue Wasabi is so good but get the cheeseburger. They say they won’t do it, but they will if you make a scene. Holly: Okay, bye. Okay, bye. [kisses Michael] I’ll miss you. Michael: Miss you. Okay. I’ll be in my office if you need me. Holly: Bye. Michael: Okay, bye. Bye. All right, bye. Bye… bye. Holly: Okay, one more quick one. Michael: Don’t go. I don’t want you to go. Oh, don’t go. Don’t go. Michael: Holly and I are dating. It’s been a week, and I still can’t believe it. [sighs] It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can’t work for it. It just comes to you. Gabe: And what do we have here? Erin: From my secret admirer. That’s you! Gabe: Come on. Gabe: I dominate Valentine’s Day. I practically make romance into a science. Erin: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue.” Oh, my gosh. It’s a romantic scavenger hunt! Gabe: Oh, close. It’s a romantic treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse. Good luck. Erin: But there’s no clue. Gabe: Well, get to work. Erin: I can’t, ’cause there’s no clue. Gabe: The puzzle is the clue. Erin: Oh. Oscar: [clears throat] Michael: [rubbing hands with Holly] Are these numbers correct? Oscar: The numbers are correct, Michael. Michael: Okay. Oscar: [clears throat more loudly] Michael: Are you--are you sick, Oscar? Do you need to go home? ‘Cause you’re grossing me out. Oscar: I jus--I just need a signature. Jim: [getting out of a taxi] There you go. Thanks. Pam: How much did you give him? Jim: Big tip. Pam: Wait. I don’t have my scarf. Jim: What? Pam: I’m missing my scarf. Oh. [both laugh] Jim: We decided to have a Valentine’s Day lunch and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece and avoid the Valentine’s Day dinner thing. It’s a whole thing. Pam: [loudly] Yeah, lunch was wonderful! Jim: Shh. Pam: Um, there was an amazing buffet and there was a chocolate fondue… station. And what else was there? Jim: Um, bottomless champagne. Pam: Yes. Never found that bottom, did we? Jim: No. Erin: Psst! Psst! Andy: What’s up? Erin: Are you good at jigsaw puzzles? Andy: Are you kidding me? It’s all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing. Erin: Okay. Andy: But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe, I should probably… Erin: Oh! No, no, no, no. It’s not weird at all. You have your new girlfriend. I have Gabe. This is just as friends. Andy: Well, okay then. Erin: Yes! Andy: At least until Stanley calms down. Erin: Oh, is he… Andy: D…d…d…d…don’t look. I accidentally did his Sudoku. [Stanley glares at Andy] Erin: Andy. Jim: [on phone] All right, I will fax over it to you. Whoop. I will fax it over to you. Okay. Thank you. [chuckles] Dwight: Okay, my name is j…j…j…j…j…j…j…j Jim Halpert and I will fax it into you… under you. I’ll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just p…p…p…p pissed my pants. Not really. I didn’t really. [clears throat] Jim: [goes to hand Dwight a valentine’s card] Wait. Dwight: You’re just filling that out right now. That wasn’t meant for me. I will not be your Valentine. Jim: Aww, nuts. [laughs] Angela: I don’t know if anyone else feels this way and don’t get me wrong, I love Michael and Holly, and maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but… the PDA. Oscar: Yes! The freaking PDA! Angela: Uh-huh. Oscar: Thank you! I mean, I’m thrilled for them. Angela: No one is more thrilled for them than I am-- Oscar: Yes, yes, absolutely. Angela: But it’s totally inappropriate. Darryl: Yeah, it’s a little much. Phyllis: Mm-hmm. Darryl: Obviously, so happy for them both. Oscar: So happy. Yeah. Kevin: I don’t know, guys. I, for one, enjoy watching them, because… Angela: No, stop! Just don’t. Oscar: Kevin! Kevin: Can I finish? Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying…I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny. Everyone: [groans] Angela: God! Kevin! Erin: So, tell me about your new girlfriend. Andy: She’s neat. Uh, I met her at Darryl’s cousin’s party. We were the only two white people there. Erin: Aww, cute. Andy: Hey, look at that. Done. Erin: That’s Gabe’s boom box. Come on. We have to go find it. Andy: I wish you well on your quest. Erin: No, come on. Andy: Aww, I mean… Erin: [growling] Come on! Andy: Okay. Erin: Ha! Gabe: [to Toby] I hear them kissing all the time. It’s this horrible plipping sound. You know, it’s like Chinese water torture. Just… [makes popping sound] like it’s coming from my own head. Michael: Sit. Okay, just close your eyes. [massaging Holly’s back] Holly: Ohh. Can you get lower? Michael: Oh, yeah. Holly: A little lower. Holly: I cannot keep myself from Michael. Everything he does is sexy. He has this undeniable animal magnetism. He’s a jungle cat. The man exudes sex. He can put both his legs behind his head. Gabe: Thank you all for meeting on such short notice. Michael: [clears throat] Gabe: Yes? Michael: [sitting in Holly’s lap] Yes. Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. What is the purpose of this meeting? Gabe: Seeing as it’s Valentine’s Day, I felt it would be apropos to have a little refresher course on romance in the workplace. Michael: Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on. Gabe: First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something you’d expect to hear from corporate. Well, guess what. Sabre is 100% tolerant of office romances. Ryan: Speaking of, Gabe, I don’t see Erin at this meeting. Meredith: Uh, I also don’t see Andy. Kevin: Oooh. Jim: OOH! Boom! Face! Gabe: I get it. Andy’s slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of, however, is public displays of affection, or PDAs. PDAs are totally superfluous to a happy, healthy office romance. Perfect example. Look at Jim and Pam. Pam: Yeah. What? Us? Gabe: They don’t touch. They don’t kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife. Jim: Did it! Pam: Yeah! Jim: Love it. Keep it goin’. Gabe: Okay. So, PDAs. That’s gonna include behaviours such as hugging, kissing, uh… Kevin: Booby honking. Gabe: Yeah, booby honking. Sure. Kevin: Butt honking. Gabe: Butt honking. Yeah, all the honking. Creed: The one where you start in a crouches position, then you leap… Gabe: Sure. Basically, there’s no precise definition, but you know it when you see it. Ahem. Oscar: Are you guys listening to this? Michael: What, are you talking about me and Holly? Pam: Yeah! Gabe: Maybe you find your own chair. Holly: So, we kiss occasionally. Oscar: Not occasionally. All the time. Phyllis: Yeah, and it’s not just the kissing. It’s the flirtatious whispering. Stanley: The flirtatious tickling. Michael: Whispering and tickling have their place in business. Darryl: That thing where you softly exhale on her neck. Michael: I… Okay, yeah, that’s pretty hot. I will give you that. Look, you are all hypocrites. You all do it. Dwight: Michael. Confession: I have done PDA in the office. Michael: Thank you. Dwight: I’ve had intercourse in the office. Michael: All right. Dwight: As has Angela! Angela: Dwight! Dwight: As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed. [Creed smiles and nods] As has Michael and as has Holly. Kevin: As has Kevin! Angela: With who? Kevin: She goes to another school. Michael: Okay. Fine. No more PDA. Oscar: Good. Michael: You win. But here’s what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone. Angela: No. Michael: Anything goes. Oscar: Just leave it how you said… Dwight: Michael, that’s absurd. What if two couples want to go at the same time? Michael: Okay, then we have two closets. No, no, we’re gonna have three closets, one for each base, no homers. Yes? Dwight: And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation? Michael: Pro. Dwight: Yes! Michael: What? Problem solved. Michael: No, no, it’s great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises. Pam: That’s weird. I mean, that’s weird to have sex in the office. That’s where you work, right? Jim: Mm-hmm. Pam: You know, you’re in a meeting, and nobody knows that you’ve had sex there, except for you and him. Jim: [snorts] Ew. Erin: Don’t mind us. You keep working. Darryl: Okay. I’ll keep working. Erin: Oh, my God. It’s a song. Andy: Whoa. Erin: What do you think is on it? Andy: [softy] We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad. Erin: [softly] Not if we’re talking like this. I think it’s okay. He doesn’t seem to hear us. Andy: I think he can hear us. Andy: [softly] That makes sense, ’cause I feel like I’d be able to hear us at this level. Erin: Darryl. Andy: Darryl is a jerk. Erin: No, he’s not. Andy: No, I’m just testing if he can hear. Darryl: I can hear you. Andy: Oh. Okay. Erin: Okay. Then no more talking. Let’s just play the song. Boom Box: [Gabe singing] The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. Andy: The temp at night? Erin: What do you… Darryl: You got it. Pick it up. Take it out. Andy: Pi… Darryl: Pick it up. Andy: Okay. Darryl: Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Take it out. Andy: Right. Okay. Holly: Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to collect my things. Michael: Ah, the old “leave behind.” Oldest trick in the book. Good thing it’s working. Holly: Oh, no. Michael, I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. Michael: Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean, I don’t… I don’t sit on your lap because it’s comfortable. I sit on your lap because I like the way your thighs feel on my butt. Holly: Yeah, but if they’re uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. Michael: Oh. Okay. Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, then we’ll stop. Holly: Okay. Michael: Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart. Michael: Hey, you know why people here are complaining? They are jealous of two people in love on Valentine’s Day. Holly: Two people in love? Michael: I love you. Holly: Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you love me? We’ve only been dating for a week. Do you mean you love me like, “oh, hey, there’s Holly. I love that girl.” Or you do you mean you love me like you love me-love me? Michael: I love you-love you. Holly: Wow, you love me-love me. I love you-love you. [both laugh] Michael: I am really disappointed in the office’s policy on PDA at this moment. I love you. [shakes Holly’s hand] Holly: I love you. Michael: Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me. Andy: Okay, Ryan’s the temp. What does he do at night? Erin: I guess we just have to wait until night and see. Andy: Oh, or maybe not. [turns out the lights] Erin: [gasps] Oh. Cool. Andy: How romantic is this? Erin: Super romantic. Andy: Right. Do you see a clue or… Erin: Yeah. Did you not see it? [“Eat at Hanks” is written in glow-in-the-dark letters above the door] Andy: Oh, my gosh. Erin: Hanks. Jim and Pam: Hey! Andy and Erin: [bursting out of Ryan’s closet] Hey. Andy: No time to chat. Erin: Sorry. Jim: Well, we were just looking for Ryan, so he’s not here. Ryan: Hey. You’re looking for me? Pam: Oh, yeah, we were. We were just looking to say hi. So, hey. Ryan: No, you weren’t. Pam: No, we weren’t. Ryan: You wanted to have sex in my office. Pam: No. Jim: Definitely not. That’s disgusting. Ryan: No. It’s… it’s cool. Just try to put everything back were you found it. Text me when you’re finished. I’ll be out here. Jim: Hey, you don’t have to… Pam: That was so embarrassing. I’m gonna die. Jim: That was really rough. Pam: Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office. Jim: No, because the office isn’t what I’d consider a romantic place. Pam: Besides, we have something those other people don’t have, which is a home and a bed. Jim: And a shower. Michael: Hello, Holly. Holly: Hello. Michael: Here, shake. No! Holly: No, don’t touch. Michael: No, we can’t. Holly: No touching. Michael: No touching. Ah, I’m trying not to touch you. Holly: Oh. Michael: Oh. Holly: Almost got you. Michael: Oh, no, so close. Oh. No, we can’t do that. We can’t do this. Ohh. Holly: You’re not touching me. Michael: I don’t know what your body feels like ’cause I can’t touch it. Oscar: Okay, this is much worse than before. Kevin: Yeah, I agree. This is nasty. Michael: Grab you here. Holly: And here. Michael: I will grab you here anyway. [laughs] Gabe: You have to cut it out. Holly: Okay. Michael: Never. Holly: You said you would. Michael: I did say I would, but I was wrong. I can’t stop. You don’t what it is like to love a woman and have her love you back. It is a feeling that cannot and will not, and frankly, cannot be contained. Gabe: No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two, it’s reaching the level of a complex. I can think of three explanations. One: You’re taking MDMA. Street name, ecstasy. I’ve done it, and I know the feeling. Holly: No, I don’t think so. Gabe: Number two: You’re desperately trying to fit in a whole relationship before Toby comes back from jury duty and Holly has to go back to Nashua. Or three: You’re at an age where your sexual climaxes aren’t as powerful, so you need to overcompensate with foreplay, taboo behaviour. Michael: Yes, it was that. It’s that one. Holly: Yes. Number three. Holly: Give me all your money and take off your clothes. Michael: We’re not supposed to PDA. Holly: Come one. Nobody’s looking. What’s wrong? Michael: I haven’t thought about you having to go back to Nashua. Holly: Maybe we didn’t want to think about it. We can make it work. We’ll date long-distance. Michael: That’s what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. How’s this gonna be any different? Holly: We weren’t in love last time. Michael: I was in love with you. Holly: I’m not saying it won’t be hard. But we can make it work. That’s what she said. Michael: [chuckles, sighs] Erin: Oh. One Erin Special, please. Hank: Here’s your bottle of sparkling cider. Andy: Hey. Erin: [laughs] That’s my favourite. Hank: I’m now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mind-hunt break and look for a heart or some [bleep] in the break room when you’re through. Kevin: [through the window at Michael] Hey, buck up, buddy! Darryl: Make that face he likes. Dwight: Hey. Hey. Come on. You’re hurting him. Michael: It’s like a time bomb… Dwight: Shh. Michael: …is ticking down. When it goes off, no more kissing. No more hugging. Dwight: Just hush. Michael: Sexual time bomb. Dwight: Just rock. Shh. Michael: [into recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera. Dwight: Movie idea? Michael: No. [into recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard. Dwight: Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap. Michael: No, I can’t talk to her. I can’t even look at her without thinking about it ending. Dwight: Kevin! Do more stupid faces. Kevin: Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces. Dwight: I don’t know. Michael: Do the monkey face. Dwight: Do the monkey face! Michael: I love that. I love that face. Dwight: Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down. Michael: No. The monkey! Dwight: Go back to the monkey! Michael: Don’t do the squirrel. Throw your poop. Dwight: Hurl your faeces. Michael: That’s good. Dwight: Good. Michael: That’s good. He’s throwing it. Dwight: They really do that. Michael: I know. Erin: [at vending machine] B-9. Andy: B-9. Erin: Like a benign tumour. Andy: Maybe it’s just more like, “be mine.” Erin: Oh, yes. There’s a note. “A little cookie for you, my miss. But the real treasure is your Valentine’s kiss.” Andy: Mm. Erin: Mm. Oh. We’re supposed to…mmm [leans in to kiss Andy] Andy: Hmm. [points to Gabe blowing a kiss to Erin] Michael: Holly. Hey. Holly: Hi. Michael: Holly, I love you so, so, so much. And I think we need to break up. Holly: What? What are you talking about? Michael: Actually, it’s Valentine’s Day. Shouldn’t be doing this today. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Holly: No, we’re gonna talk now. You’re not breaking up with me. Michael: You’re gonna go back to Nashua eventually, and I can’t handle it. So, let’s just…let’s… Holly: What if I said it wasn’t up to them? Michael: Who? Holly: The company. Nobody knows our future, but it’s not gonna be decided by the company. It’s not gonna be decided by anybody but us. What we are is up to you and me. Michael: Okay. Okay. Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. As of today, officially, Holly and I are moving into together. Yay! [claps] Thank you. Thank you. Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend! Oscar: Are you kidding? I wasn’t trying to break you guys up. Kevin: Better luck next time, pal. Michael: Well, the point is, there will no longer be any need for PDA here at the office between us because, when we get home, we are going to make love to and with one another, and that, to me, is the best Valentine’s Day present that a person could receive. So, I bid you all adieu. Holly: You do? Michael: I do. Oscar: Go on. Kiss each other already. [they kiss] Kevin: Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you. Oscar: I just told them to do it! Jim: What? Pam: No. Jim: No. We took a walk. Pam: We took a walk. Dwight: My perfect Valentine’s Day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago. Ryan: Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year. Kelly: Flowers, diamonds, three-course meal, violinist comes to my table to serenade me… Kevin: Pizza, soda, the moon, someone to share it with. Michael: What are our plans for tonight? Umm… Holly: [imitates a squeaky bed] [laughter]