Training Day
Written By: Daniel Chun Directed By: Paul Lieberstein Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Kahlua Sombrero, please. Waiter: All right, so just you tonight? Michael: Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I’m a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years. DeAngelo: I’ll drink to that. I’m starting at a company this week. Michael: Oh, really? DeAngelo: To beginnings and endings. Michael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms. DeAngelo: The moms and the troops. Michael: Do not tell my fiancé I’m drinking on a Wednesday. DeAngelo: [laughs] I won’t… I don’t know her. Michael: I’m moving out to the burbs… actually, I’m moving further than the burbs, I’m moving to Colorado. DeAngelo: Colorado! The sunshine state. Michael: Yep. Don’t mess with Colorado. DeAngelo: Doing some skiing? Michael: No, no. I don’t want to end up like Sunny Bobo. DeAngelo: Well, that’s just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead. Michael: You know, I would like to try the luge, though. DeAngelo: Try it once, you’re hooked. That’s my guess. Michael: That’s what I’ve heard. DeAngelo: I’m an Olympics nut. Michael: Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter? DeAngelo/Michael: [in unison] Summer! DeAngelo: [holds out fist] Knuckles! Actually, I gotta come around and give you… DeAngelo: You know, it’s funny, I tried to get an animal Olympics going. Michael: Really? What happened? DeAngelo: You know, life happened. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton? Michael: Oh… wow. The mountains. Where things are. DeAngelo: That’s the way it goes. Michael: Man, he is late. I’m gonna call him. Do you mind? I’m sorry. [calls DeAngelo, DeAngelo’s phone vibrates] DeAngelo: Excuse me. Hello? You running late? Michael: No, I’m here. I’m right… I’m at the bar. DeAngelo: I’m at the bar too. Michael: You are? What bar? DeAngelo: I’m at the bar. The bar that’s located in the lobby of the hotel. Michael: I… do not see you. DeAngelo: How long have you… Michael: I’m been here about… gosh, over half an hour. DeAngelo: Okay, me too. DeAngelo/Michael: [looking up from phones in unison] Sorry… Michael: What’re you wearing? DeAngelo: I am wearing a grey suit, red tie. Michael: Are we both at the right place? DeAngelo: Which place? Michael: I hear your voice. DeAngelo: I hear your voice, I see your lips moving. Michael: I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand] Michael Scott. DeAngelo: DeAngelo Vickers. Michael: Wow… that is insane! [laughter] DeAngelo: That is insane, that is the right term. Let’s get some Vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend. Michael: [entering Dunder Mifflin offices] Here we go! Are you ready? DeAngelo: I am ready. Michael: Alright! Here we go! Michael: This is it. What do you think? DeAngelo: Oh, she’ll do. She’ll do just fine. DeAngelo: I am very much looking forward to tomorrow. It feels like the culmination of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune… Michael: [pops up from below camera, and runs out of room] DeAngelo: Did that? Did that just happen?! [runs after Michael] We should... we should write a movie or something! I’m serious! Oscar: Michael is leaving. And apparently, they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork wise. Kevin: [wearing wig] Nope! It’s not Ashton Kutcher. It’s Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart! [winks] Michael: Okay, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for its own sake. So, without further ado, let’s start clapping! Presenting DeAngelo Vickers! DeAngelo: [blinds roll down, DeAngelo waving] Michael: Come on out! DeAngelo: Hello! [opens door] How are you sir? Michael: I am well, sir, how are you? DeAngelo: Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy, something I live with, it’s a part of me. I’ve learned to cope with it. What else, I’m just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a- Dwight: Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me. Kelly: [drops papers as DeAngelo walks by] I’ll get that you guys. Don’t… it’s just… you know… DeAngelo: [picks up paper] I’ll help you. Kelly: Oh, hi! [obviously flirting body language] DeAngelo: Hello! Kelly: Have we met before? DeAngelo: No, not officially, actually, I saw you walking out of the bathroom before. Kelly: Well, I guess I’ll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you. DeAngelo: [offers Kelly the papers as she walks away] Kelly: And that is what you call a meet cute. Michael: And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it’s DeAngelo the whole time! Darryl: Kind of embarrassing. Angela: Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid. Michael: I happen to like the hilarious hijinks I get myself into. There he is! DeAngelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy! DeAngelo: Oh. [chuckles] That was… let’s see, where’s my replacement? Where’s the guy I’m replacing? Why don’t I look to the left? He’s sitting right there! [office laughs] Michael: Oh yeah… I know… that’s what I was just saying… that’s what… DeAngelo: [silences Michael] Andy: That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up ‘Hello, my name is...,’] nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself. DeAngelo: [laughs] Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around! Andy: I wasn’t even trying to make a joke. But I guess I’ve always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted. Michael: This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes. Pam: Well, it wasn’t an affair. Michael: Yes, it was. Pam: But, no, but we are a family. Jim: [points to picture of Cecelia] We made that. Pam: Cecelia. DeAngelo: Well, congratulations. I have four kids of my own. Pam: Really? Oh, my gosh! We just have the one, but she poops for four. [laughs] Pam: Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss! Jim: Yeah, they don’t ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies. Dwight: Thanks for meeting me. Michael: Are you kidding? I’d come anywhere to see a turtle? Where’d you find him. Dwight: There’s no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here. Michael: You know me very well, Dwight. Dwight: That’s because I’m your right-hand man, Michael, but I can’t do it again. I can’t do it again for a whole new guy. Michael: Now I’m gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I’ll be off all day. Dwight: I want to be manager. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t even interviewed for the job. What’s wrong? I was totally qualified, you were pushing for me. Meredith: That apple looks delic! DeAngelo: I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calorie intake under 1200. [laughter] Stanley: DeAngelo, you’re going to starve to death. [laughter] Michael: So, you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle! Darryl: It’s cool that you like the southwest. It’s one of my favorite regions. Darryl: It’s one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good. Darryl: I love the desert. It’s one of my favorite ecosystems. DeAngelo: Here’s the great thing about the southwest; there’s so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you’ve ever seen. Kevin: Burnt! It’s lush, dummie. Hey, DeAngelo, what do you think of bald people? I hate them. Angela: DeAngelo, I forget, did you mention you like politics? DeAngelo: I did not. Angela: ‘Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend, he’s a state senator. I really think the two of you would hit it off. He’s a great person to know. DeAngelo: Sounds very interesting, thank you. Erin: Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Okay, let me transfer you. DeAngelo: Why do you use your name when you use the phone? Erin: Oh, that’s how Pam does it. I just copy her. She’s sort of a living legend. DeAngelo: Try it without using your name. Erin: Dunder Mifflin, this is… oh, I like it! DeAngelo: Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you? Erin: Oh, assist. Michael: I sorta like the old way. DeAngelo: I just prefer it without the name and I thought- I’ve got to start doing some managing at some point. Michael: I know, I know, I’m sorry, but if it’s not a big deal we should just- DeAngelo: And it really isn’t. Michael: Is that good? Erin: Yeah, okay, good. DeAngelo: Well, I’d like to change it, actually. Michael: Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work. Erin: What do you think? DeAngelo: I think a change would be nice. Michael: You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. [phone rings] DeAngelo: [whispering] Change it. Erin: [picks up phone] …I’m so sorry. Sorry. [hangs up] DeAngelo: Hey, funny guy. Wanna have a little mid-day lawl here. Make me laugh, huh? What you got? I can’t even look at you. Andy: Here we go… okay… what do African Americans call… [laughter] Erin: DeAngelo, did you order a barber? DeAngelo: Oh, yeah. Put a pin on that, kid. Can’t wait to hear the punchline. Darryl: Finish the joke, Andy. What do African Americans call? Andy: I… don’t know. Help me. Ryan: [a barber enters the office for DeAngelo] That is so badass. So hardcore. Phyllis: Yeah, real cool. Real power move. DeAngelo: I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me. Michael: [to Erin] Shave me. [walks into office with DeAngelo] This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies! DeAngelo: Okay, alright! I love it! I love it! Michael, this is Reggie. He is the #1 yelp reviewed shaver in Scranton. It’s not even close. Michael: And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. [Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael’s face, none on the neck] DeAngelo: Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice, doesn’t it? Michael: It really does. This is luxury. Here we go. Ah, that is nice. Oscar: You wanted to talk to us DeAngelo? DeAngelo: Ah, yes, please! Just cozy up there. Just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups. Michael: Well, we don’t really do rap sessions. We kinda do… [Erin shaves Michael] God… we sorta do more of like powwows or- DeAngelo: Okay, then, powwows then, fine. Michael: That’s- Pam: Hey, DeAngelo, my mom just sent me this picture of CeCe, it is so adorable. Jim: Alright, wait, little bit of backstory, she loves dogs. She calls them ‘da-das’. Pam: Da-das. Jim: And what happens here is- DeAngelo: You know what, enough about your baby, okay? I’m sorry. Jim: We were… I think she was just trying to- DeAngelo: No, no, no, I know what you’re doing. Just quit it. I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better? Michael: You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can’t say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something. Oscar: Well, DeAngelo, I’d say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent. Michael: Okay, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don’t even really have to worry about. Erin: Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips. Michael: Don’t shave my lips. DeAngelo: [Andy walks into room] What’s up? Andy: I don’t mean to go into a rant here, but… Andy: I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny. Andy: …I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don’t. I’m thinking, ‘how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock. Deangelo: Let’s not talk politics in the office, okay? I like you better as a funny guy. Andy: [leans on table] I wasn’t taking a position. It’s just one of those things where- [table collapses under Andy] Deangelo: [laughter] Now that’s funny! That’s funny! You walk much? Andy: Yeah, right, I mean- [walks into door, jokingly] DeAngelo: Little click… Erin: [pushing box into office] DeAngelo, this box came for you. DeAngelo: Thank you. That’s my stuff. Yeah. Michael, take a look at this. Stanley: Need a hand? DeAngelo: Oh, that’d be great, thank you Stanley! Michael: You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so… you know, let’s not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I’m still here- Ryan: [holds up painting of desert to office, who are impressed] Michael: I still have to look at this stuff, guys. Darryl: So, this is a ten-gallon hat, huh? DeAngelo: Yep, ten-gallon hat. Technically, it only holds about three quartz. Little factoid. Kevin: Interesting. Michael: DeAngelo’s great. I love the guy. But I’m not sure he’s a great fit for the office. And also, I’m not sure if I love the guy. Darryl’s sister: [holds out cowboy boots for Darryl] Darryl: Cool, cool. Alright, see you later. Darryl’s sister: Hey, hey, hey! [holds up set of pistols in holsters] Darryl: No, I’m good. Keep them. DeAngelo: Hey, funny man! Whatcha got for me? Make me laugh? Andy: [mimes using a rope to pull himself forward to microwave] Let’s see if they have my favorite teas in here… [throws tea packets into air, puts hand in unplugged toaster, pretends to be shocked, takes container of cheese-puffs and throws them into air, pours hot coffee on his pants] DeAngelo: [laughs] Drink some soap! Andy: [drinks hand soap] DeAngelo: [laughter and applause] Andy: I guess this is my life now. Dwight: How do I become a manager at Sabre? Gabe: First thing’s first, thank you for coming here directly. I know you could have called Tallahassee but they would’ve just looped back to me, so, it’s cool you recognised my role here. Dwight: I left a message at corporate. Gabe: Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. That’ll put you right on the shortlist for next time there’s an opening. Dwight: Can’t you just use the recommendation you already have on file? Gabe: What recommendation? Dwight: From when he recommended me to replace him. Gabe: …I’m sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations. DeAngelo: Best whale watching, easily the west coast. If you’re going whale watching on the East Coast, you might wanna bring a magazine called “West Coast Whales’. [laughter] Because you’re not gonna see them- Michael: [interrupting DeAngelo] Snack time! It’s the witching hour! It’s the sandwiching hour! Kevin: Awesome! Phyllis: Mm, whatcha got? Michael: PB and J, my mom’s recipe! [throws sandwich at Phyllis] Angela: Michael! DeAngelo has a peanut allergy. DeAngelo: I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts. Stanley: What are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Michael: I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go! [throws sandwich into Kevin’s open mouth] Oscar: Michael, this is serious! Do you know what happens if DeAngelo touches a peanut? Michael: What? DeAngelo: Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut, I was itchy for three days, okay? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot. Jim: Wait, so, you don’t go into shock or die or anything? DeAngelo: No, Jim, not everything is life or death. I want to feel comfortable. Michael: Oscar, here you go. [throws sandwich] DeAngelo: [uses book to stop the sandwich’s flight] You’re getting nut particles all in the air! Michael: No one had a problem with the air here until you came around. DeAngelo: [steps into conference room] Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multi-purpose room, now. Michael: No, that’s good. You just stay in there, stay in there by yourself, loser. No body go in. [disgusted comments by co-workers] No body go in there. Stay where you are. Oscar: Michael, this is insane. Michael: No, it’s not insane, Oscar. I been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you’re gonna throw it all away? No. Jim: Listen, you’re the one who decided to leave. Come on, he’s the new boss, you know we have to do this. Michael: Well, who needs him. Guess it’s just you and me, Dwight. Dwight: Correction. Just you. Alright, meeting. Multi-function room. DeAngelo: [walks out] Hold on, Hey Michael, Michael, wait up, hold on. Um, so for these meetings do you just jump into business or do you start with some chit-chat or…? Michael: I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what, you’ll be fine. DeAngelo: Maybe. Maybe not. 50/50. You know what, it is too bad for this place that you’re leaving. [extents hands for hug] Bring it in, come on. [Michael doesn’t accept hug] Okay. [walks back] Michael: Okay. [hugs DeAngelo from behind] Why did you have to be so damn good? DeAngelo: I… I’m adequate. I’m half as good as you. Michael: No, no, no. Come on. You are good, they know it. DeAngelo: Will you do me a favour and enjoy this time, okay? You’ve worked so hard, get your senioritis on. It’s Lake Havasu time! Michael: Guess I’ve been working so hard I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working. DeAngelo: Okay. What is the Native American girl’s name? Michael: You’ll figure it out. Jim: Hey, DeAngelo! Wanna meet CeCe? DeAngelo: That’s a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute. Jim: Thank you very much. Pam: See, we knew it! If he just met her, he’d understand. Jim: We’re back in! Right? DeAngelo: I swear, that baby could be the star of a show entitled ‘Babys I Don’t Care About.’