Goodbye Michael (Part 1)
Written By: Greg Daniels Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Michael: [sitting on the roof of the office building] Well, I’m moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here, getting used to the altitude. Dwight: [walking up] Michael? Michael: Yes? Dwight: I’ve got a treat for you! Michael: Ahh, thank you. Like a butler. Dwight: Colorado specialty, Rocky Mountain Oysters. Michael: [Michael takes one and bites] Oh, these do not taste like oysters. Dwight: [angrily] That’s because they’re Not oysters, they’re bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! [Michael spits it out] Hah! Michael: Sick freak! What is wrong with you? Dwight: What is wrong with you? I’m the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didn’t recommend me?! Michael: I don’t own Dunder Mifflin, okay? [Dwight scoffs] Michael: The job was not mine to give. [sighs] Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies. Dwight: Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio? Michael: Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket… Dwight: Great idea. Michael: …in order to feed the bears. Dwight: Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs! Michael: How do you mean? Dwight: Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael, what are you thinking?! And they run faster than a horse, so if you were thinking about outrunning one on a horse, I would try a cheetah. You, in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a Black Bear. Do you understand? [Michael nods in agreement] You’re like a giant walking salami! Michael: Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni? Dwight: Any kind of meat that you can possibly name! Michael: Okay. DeAngelo: [with Michael in his office] You’re not gonna take all these toys, are you? Michael: Hm? DeAngelo: I mean you don’t have a job lined up, so it’s not like you have a desk to put ’em on. Michael: Well, I have interviews. DeAngelo: That’s nice. [reaches and a grabs a toy truck] How ’bout that truck? Can I have this little truck? I was thinking I might… glue a stapler on top. Or put a hole here, stick pens in it. [Michael gives an obviously fake smile] You okay? Michael: Yes. Yes, you know what? Take my favorite truck. Sure. DeAngelo: You know what? Uh, it’s your last couple days, I’m gonna get out of your hair. Michael: Oh, you don’t, that’s- DeAngelo: I will be in the break room. Michael: That sounds good. Thank you. DeAngelo: Dead man walking. Michael: Sad? No, no, no. I don’t leave ’til tomorrow, so… Tomorrow I will be a wreck. Gabe: [sees Andy walk into the Men’s Room and follows him in] Stay away from Erin! [cornering him in the bathroom] Andy: Hey! Gabe: I’m your boss! Andy: Why don’t you, uh, stay away from me? Gabe: No, I’m gonna stand where I want. Okay? You don’t wanna get on my bad side! I’ve seen some horrible things! I own over two hundred horror movies! Andy: Okay! That’s so weird! Just go away! Gabe: No! You go away! [storms out, toilet flushes, Jim exits the bathroom] Andy: [weak] Hi Tuna. Jim: So, you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now? Phyllis: [in the conference room with Pam, Angela, and Meredith] How about cupcakes? Angela: Please. Pam: What’s wrong with cupcakes? Angela: Everything. Michael: [walking in] There they are! Party Planning Committee together again! Pam: Well, we all wanted to plan your goodbye party. We thought this would be easier. Pam: We thought. Angela: It’s an experiment. Phyllis: The three of us have all been chairmen before. Pam: So, this is the dream team. Meredith: [walking up behind the glass] Hey! What are you saying?! Angela: The dream team… and Meredith. Meredith: [to Michael] We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, your favorite. Michael: Mmm! Phyllis: Yeah, that was a surprise… Michael: You know what, I’m thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody’ll like. How about vanilla? Let’s get vanilla. Pam: [surprised] Okay. Michael: Tomorrow, I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. Alright? Pam: Should we get toppings? Michael: What do you like Pam? Pam: [confused] What? Michael: What kind of toppings would you like? Pam: Hot fudge? Michael: Sounds good. Fudge it up! [all seem surprised at Michael’s behavior] Michael: [holding up his “World’s Best Boss Mug”] I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. [holds up a Dundie that reads, ‘World’s Best Boss 2011, Michael G. Scott’, throws his mug into the garbage can and places his Dundie at the front of his desk] I still need something to drink out of though. Michael: [pulls out a list of everyone in the office, then puts it back in his jacket] Attention everyone, before I leave tomorrow, I would like to reveal a secret I have kept for over twenty years. A secret about Phyllis. Phyllis: Please Michael. Michael: When Phyllis was in high school, she was so… cute. [Phyllis looks relieved] And she still is. Phyllis: I thought he knew about the baby I gave away. Phyllis: [holds up mittens she’s knitting] Look Michael, it’s a going away present so your hands won’t get cold. Michael: Ahh. Phyllis: It’s almost done, but you can’t get them wet, and they can’t be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring-dry gently, and use a hairdryer on cool. Michael: [hesitantly] Sounds great, I just think it’s great. Oh, I have gifts as well! [goes into his office and comes out with a bag] And I will start, by giving the first gift to Phyllis! Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don’t often speak your mind, but you should. Because you have great ideas. So, Phyllis, I am giving you this, so you can always remember to speak your mind. [presents to her a mouth wind-up chattering toy] Phyllis: It’s cute. [plays with it] Michael: Stanley, you love your Sudoku and your puzzles, I bestow upon you, my felt. [gives Stanley a small felt table] May you never lose the fun loving quality in life. Stanley: Where’s the rest of it, it’s got no balls. Michael: Well, okay… And Andy, Andy who needs confidence that he is a great salesman. I give you, my clients, our ten most important accounts. [other salesmen look outraged] Andy: Wow. Stanley: [angry] Yeah wow! Andy: You know I’m the worst salesman here, right? Michael: But you’re the best salesman, on the inside. Phyllis: What does that even mean? Michael: You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted. Andy: I’m gonna lose ’em. Michael: You’re not gonna lose them. Andy: I promise you that I will. Michael: Just do your best! I have faith in you. Stanley: [as Michael walks away, Stanley whispers angrily to Andy] Gimme those clients! Andy: No. Phyllis: [to Dwight] Do you believe that?! Dwight: I’ve given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing. DeAngelo: I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I’m not saying I’m superman, but, let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I almost welcome it. [winks] Michael: Kevin, I have something for you. Kevin: Oh! [Michael unrolls it to reveal it is a caricature of Kevin as a pig eating pizza] Michael: You know who that is? Kevin: Oh… Michael: [rips the poster in half] Don’t be a caricature Kevin, never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up? Kevin: Better… Michael: Good, stand up. [Kevin does so] You will be thin. You Won’t drool over pizza like an animal anymore. Kevin: But… Michael: You will find love. Kevin: Michael, I’m pretty much okay with who I am now. Michael: Don’t be. You should never settle for who you are. [moving on] Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, you are- Andy: I just lost Porter Hardware! I just, I lost ’em! Michael: [quietly groans] Okay, you know what? Just do your best buddy! Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education. And I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that’s why I made you this. [takes a sack tied in the upper middle making a crude head, with a face drawn on, obviously the product of poor craftsmanship, Oscar pretends to like it] Oscar: Thank you, Michael. It’s beautiful. Michael: [laughing] It looks like a [more laughing] It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! [laughs more] He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody! Michael: Was it just me, or did you think that we were going to have sex at some point? Angela: It was just you… Michael: How would you have wanted to do it? Okay, okay. You know what? Inappropriate. I am engaged happily, and you have landed yourself a Senator. Oscar: State Senator. Michael: Mmhmm, bravo! Oscar: Brava! Angela: You wanna see some pictures? I just got these. Michael: Sure! Angela: Uhm, these are, okay this is us at the theater. And antiquing! Oh, rollerblading. Michael: Who’s that? Who’s that guy? [points to second guy in the pictures] Angela: Oh, that’s Thomas, Robert’s aide. Michael: I guess this could be the one, huh? Angela: Yeah. [Oscar shakes his head no] Andy: [walking into the kitchen, DeAngelo is using the coffee machine to cook chicken covered in melted chocolate] Hey. DeAngelo: [hurriedly, while hiding the chocolate covered chicken] Hey! Andy: I’m going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up. DeAngelo: Let’s rip it up homes. [smacks top of the door frame with his hand, leaving a chocolate hand outline] Gabe: [Andy walks by with DeAngelo, says quietly after he leaves] Walk away bitch. Oscar: [Michael is leaving the accounting area] Oh Michael! Where do you want your last paycheck sent? Michael: My last paycheck? Oscar: You have an address yet in Colorado? Michael: No. Oscar: What town do Holly’s parents live in? Michael: I’m not sure, um, Mountainton? Kevin: Sounds beautiful! Pam: [Michael sits alone eating at the back of the kitchen, Pam comes in with Jim, Creed and Kevin] You should do more stuff like that. Kevin: I’m going to! Jim: [to Michael] Hey! It’s almost your last day, come sit with us. Michael: Nah, I’m almost done. Jim: You sure? Michael: Yeah. Pam: So, I’m going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder. Kevin: Finally! That old shredder sucked. Pam: It’s a good shredder, it just keeps breaking. Kevin: Yeah, it won’t shred magazines. Pam: It’s not supposed to shred magazines Kevin. Kevin: I know… Jim: Did you break the shredder, Kevin? Kevin: No, it’s just… that old shredder sucks. [Michael looks tearful] Just get one that’ll shred magazines. Pam: I don’t think any of them are supposed to shred magazines. Michael: [crying] I can’t do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I’m not gonna be able to find my shows. I’m not going to start improv at level one, and I don’t think my credits will transfer. Ugh, and you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote. [picks World’s Best Boss mug out of the trashcan and puts it back on his desk] I gotta call her, and I’m going to tell her, that I cannot come. [dials on his phone] Holly: [on phone] Hello there! Michael: Hi. What is the name of our town? Holly: Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay? Michael: No, no. I just needed to hear your voice. Holly: [Yoda voice] Oh you mean this? Michael: [laughing] Yes. [Olive Oyl impression] Yes, my hero! Holly: [deep man voice] I’ll pay the rent! [Michael laughs] Okay, my mom’s looking at me and she has no sense of humor. It’s a joke mom! Michael: [laughing] Ohh, I miss you. Holly: Well, I’ll see you tonight. I’ll pick you up outside baggage claim. Michael: Okay. I’ll see you tonight. I love you. Holly: I love you too. Michael: [hangs up and composes himself] Yes, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I’m, I’m gonna be leaving tonight. I head to the airport at four. [looks at the list of members of the office, with some names crossed out] And I have said goodbye to half of them. Toby: Well, you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up. Michael: [grimaces and nods, Toby nods back at him] Okay. Toby: [smiling] Okay. Michael: [walks over to Kelly] Kelly! Kelly? Kelly. Kelly: [doing make up and irritated] What?! Michael: If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you? Kelly: Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice. Michael: [in Ryan’s office, which is illuminated blue] She was once my girl, and she is your girl now. Ryan: Wow. [camera pans over to show that the light is from Michael’s St. Pauli Girl Sign, hanging in Ryan’s office] Michael: Yeah. Ryan: This is… totally unnecessary. Michael: You’re not prone to seizures? Ryan: No. Pam: [in conference room with the party planning committee] So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want? Meredith: [quickly] Erotic. Angela: See? This is what happens. You can’t let a stray dog into the house. Phyllis: Hmm, let’s hear here out. I would like to hear more about these cakes. [Angela and Pam look uncomfortable] Meredith: I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop. Angela: Good God… Meredith: They make these cakes, they’re wild! I mean, they show everything! Pam: I don’t, I don’t think we sh- Meredith: I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not just black, they do it all. And the women on these cakes, they’re not just guy’s fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing. Pam: [stopping her] Okay, don’t turn this into some feminist issue. Phyllis: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it feels good to be represented on one. Pam: You know what, I think we should get some other input. Kelly: I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake. Phyllis: Yeah, cupcakes. That’s what I said. Angela: No! I’m not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms! You know, we don’t really care about your opinion. You’re just a tiebreaker. Michael: [sees Pam walking towards the door of the office] Um, Pam. Pam: Oh, hey Michael! I’m just going to go to Carbondale to price some shredders. I’ll see you later. Michael: [disappointed] Okay… [Jim is confused] Erin: [walking into the women’s bathroom, Gabe storms in after her] Gabe! Gabe: I need to talk to you! Erin: You can’t be in here. This is a lady’s room! abe: Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here everytime you go if that’s what it takes. [Creed walks out of one of the stalls] Erin: Hey Creed. Creed: Not cool man. [walks out] Erin: I really think you should leave. Gabe: Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women’s room. Erin: Can we talk about this later, I have to go. Gabe: Just read the letter under your windshield wiper, it explains everything. Quick one. [leans in for a kiss] Erin: Gabe! Gabe: Okay… [walks out embarrassed] Toby: [on video cam with his brother] Here’s the thing Rory, I knew you guys would hit it off in an odd way. Rory: I can bring him a welcome basket. I’ll surprise him. Toby: Do- Well you should give him a little time to settle in. But- Rory: Does he like jams? My shelves are overflowing with preserves. Toby: Well, no. He hates jams. Michael: [walking into Darryl’s office] Darryl! Darryl: Hey. Michael: I would like to give you, the only copy, of Somehow I Manage. [hands him a thin black folder] Unfinished. If there’s anyone here who can finish it, it’s you. Darryl: That’s sweet Mike. Let’s see here. There’s a chapter, called Gum. With one sentence. Everybody likes the guy who offers him a stick of gum. Michael: Mmmhmmm. It’s true. Darryl, I have one last wish. I would like to use the bailer. Darryl: No. Can’t let you do that Mike. Michael: No problem. Worth a try. Michael: [in warehouse] Darryl said I could use the bailer because I’m leaving. Warehouse Guy: No. Michael: [picks up a basketball and dribbles it away from the basket] Alright guys, well… see ya later warehouse. Catch you on the flippity flip. [throws the ball behind him and misses the basket, tries and misses several more times] DeAngelo: [in car with Andy] okay, so what’s our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? [Andy stares blankly] Hmm? Andy: I thought we’d just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality. DeAngelo: That’s stupid. [laughing. Nervously, Andy laughs with him] Andy: [joking] What do I know? DeAngelo: [still laughing] What do you know? We gotta get psyched up! Okay? Guy? Let’s get psyched! Is there an animal shelter on the way? Andy: [confused] Yeah. DeAngelo: Awesome! Ani Ani Shelto! Here we come. Do you know how to high-five? Andy: Yeah! DeAngelo: ‘Cause if you do now’s the time. Andy: [going for it] Alright. DeAngelo: Not while I’m driving. Michael: [still trying the backwards basket] Catch you guys- [forklift drives in front of the camera] Catch you guys on the flippity flip. [misses and picks it up again] Flippity flip! [misses again and grabs it back] Flippity flip! [makes it in, gets excited] Really? [composes himself] Okay, see ya guys! [walks away, containing his self-pleasure]