Search Committee (Part 1)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Jeffrey Blitz Transcribed By: Admin Creed: [drives up to the entrance of the building, his license plate reads “NEW MGR”] It’s a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin, or as I like to call it, Great Bratton. [gets out of car, tosses his keys toward a nonexistent valet parker] Keep it running. Creed: Do I love being manager? I love my kids. I love real estate. [slowly getting more excited] I love ceramics. I love my job. I-I love wrestling. Creed: [to Jordan] Find out what language this is. [speaking in strange language] Creed: [running a meeting in the conference room] Okay, team building! On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy, [camera switches to show only Meredith and Kevin have attended the meeting, Jim walks by and sees this] and this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed… Jim: He never called a meeting. Creed: [pointing at a whiteboard with BOBODDY written on the left side, vertically] BO-BODDY! BO-BODDY. What does the first “B” stand for? Pam: What are we doing? Creed: We’re making acronyms. Okay! What does the first “B” stand for? Kevin: Um… Business! Creed: I like it! Business! Good, Kevin! [writes after the first B, I, Z, N, U…] All right! The “O” … Pam: We need a new manager. Jim: [conducting interview] Your paper experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here? Fred Henry: Absolutely–I, yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your profits. Jim: Really? Fred: Yeah. Jim: [waiting for Fred to continue] …What is it? Fred: Nice try. Toby: I’m sorry, what is your three-step plan? Fred: Well, I mean, I can’t just hand you, my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you’ll get the plan. Gabe: Well… it’s an interview, and we don’t know that you really have the plan. Fred: [speaking faster] Well, I’m not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it. You’re in paper, right? Gabe: How would we know that, if you don’t… Jim: You could just be saying it to get the job. Fred: I guess I could be, if I was… who would do that? Jim: How about this. Why don’t you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it. Fred: Tell you what. I’ll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part. Jim: Okay. Fred: Color-code sent documents, TM. Jim: Did you just trademark that… Toby: [confused] W-What? Fred: That’s a verbal trademark. That’s an agreement. Jim: We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by our CEO, and tasked to find this branch’s new manager. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone’s bound to be, right? [Andy, Kelly, and Darryl are each dressed up in suits for their interviews, Andy is also wearing an “Andy for Manager?” pin on his jacket] And, to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house, so, I’m not too worried. But I’m really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe. [quietly] Did you know that Gabe’s last name was Lewis? I had no idea. Stanley: [in elevator with Phyllis and Darryl, all three are smiling, to Darryl] Good morning. Darryl: Good morning. Phyllis: [also to Darryl] Good morning. Darryl: Good morning. Phyllis: Did you have a nice drive in? Darryl: I did. Darryl: I have a solid relationship with Jo, the company’s owner. I have management experience. I have a good friendship with Jim, the head of the Search Committee, and it doesn’t hurt that I’m… [in Oprah-like sing-song voice] bla-aaack! Andy: [puts up a poster in the break room with “IF YOU ARE ON THE SEARCH COMMITTEE PLEASE CONSIDER ANDY” on it in bold lettering] Erin: [commenting on the poster] It’s good. I really hope you get it! Andy: The manager job? Nah, I’m barely interested. I just can’t not go for it. You know, it’s not the Bernard way. We give it the old college try, and then, in defeat, we show grace. Erin: Still, I’d really like to see this office with you in the boss’s chair. Andy: Don’t even… [getting really happy and excited] EEEHHHH!!!! Erin: You in the boss’s chair! Andy: EEEHHH!! No. Hehe. Andy: In my family, you don’t really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don’t know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and… [awkwardly smiling] we’ll see what Rosa comes back with. Erin: [checks to see that she is alone with Phyllis] Did you hear anything? Phyllis: Oh, I’m sure they’ll let us know when they get the results. [Erin crosses fingers and smiles excitedly] Phyllis: It turns out that Erin was born in the basic time and region that I gave away a child. Erin: So, Phyllis might be my mom. I mean, the chances are tiny, but… Phyllis: But, probably not, I mean, it was a big year for babies. Porky’s had come out. Erin: Yeah. I’m sure I was just another Porky’s baby. Phyllis: Mm. Erin: But why not find out. Phyllis: Yeah. Pam: [to Dwight, who is reading the want ads] Should you really be so blatant about that? Dwight: They won’t make me manager, and I won’t settle for anything less. I’ve gone about as far as I can here. That’s obvious. Time to take my talents elsewhere. Pam: Are you really going to apply for work at Scranton Breadworks? Dwight: Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it. Warren Buffett: Can you do any better on salary? Jim: Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate. Warren: What about mileage when I use my car? I mean, gas ain’t cheap, you know. Jim: Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous. Warren: How about 27? And uh, when I make long-distance calls, will they be monitored or is it on the honor system? Angela: [on phone] Okay. [hangs up, smiling] How odd, a very unusual phone call from the Senator’s office. The Senator wants me to have lunch with him at The Botanical Gardens. Kevin: The Botanical Gardens, Scranton’s hidden gem. Don’t eat any berries you don’t recognise. Toby: How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here? Robert California: You don’t work in sales, do you. Toby: Uh… Human Resources. Robert: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don’t be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don’t ever think there is. There is only… sex. Everything… is sex. You understand that what I’m telling you is a universal truth… Toby. Toby: Yes. Gabe: Okay, I-I am, I’m almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this, then Gabe stops chuckling] Do you, um, do you think that you are? Robert: Do I look like someone who would waste my own time? Gabe: No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim] Jim: Can you… [seems intimidated, clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence… would be… in a dialogue with a subordinate? Robert: Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? You can answer me. Jim: Yes. Robert: That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object… whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we’ve had already, you won’t be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim? Jim: Yes. Robert: [more emphatically than Jim] Yes. You do. [nods at the Search Committee, then looks over at the camera with a smirk on his face] Jim: [Robert leaves the conference room and looks at the others in the office as he grins at the camera and leaves] He creeps me out. [Toby nods] But, I think he might be a genius. Andy: [Jim points at Darryl to be the next interviewee] Good luck, Darryl. Darryl: [pats Andy on the back] Thank you. Darryl: Think about it! What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal? I mean, you don’t see a bear drinking raccoon milk. Jim: [Jim and Gabe laugh, Toby smiles and nods] Oh. Darryl: So, this is cool. I think we make a good fit. [stands up] Gabe: Oh? Uh… we haven’t started the interview yet. Were you–were you joking? Darryl: Uh… [looks at camera] yes?! I was. [sits back down] Little joke! Toby: So, how would you go about settling interpersonal conflicts within the office? Darryl: I thought that was your job. Toby: Well, it’s one of my strengths, but it’s the manager’s job. Jim: Well, for instance, how did you deal with it when two warehouse guys got into a fight? Darryl: I’ll answer that, Jim. I would use it as an opportunity to teach, uh, about actions… and consequences… of actions. [Jim and Gabe stare at Darryl] Darryl: [noticing Erin in the background leading a black man dressed in a suit through the office] Who’s that? Jim: [ignoring Darryl’s question] So I think all we need is a resume, and we’ll be good right? Darryl: I… I just thought you knew me. Jim: Yeah, it’s no big deal, just something that looks like that. [shows Darryl a resume] Cool? [goes to put the resume away] Darryl: Let me… [Jim shows him the resume again, Darryl looks at it a little longer this time] Oh. Cool. [Jim gives Darryl a thumbs-up, then looks at the camera as Darryl gets up to leave] Merv Bronte: [at the cafe on the first floor] Did, uh, you just interview? Robert: Ohh, unfortunately, yes. Merv: What do you mean? Robert: That business can’t attract anyone. It’s awful up there. Those people seem like they’re in prison, waiting out life sentences in a… dying industry. Merv: Place must be horrible. I don’t know if I want this job. [gets on elevator] Merv: [in elevator] Well, if I get this job offer, and then I know that I’m gonna take it, and if I take it, I know that I’m never gonna quit, and then 25 years are gonna go by and… I’m gonna die here. Dwight: What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? [Robert stares at Dwight] What are you doing... [Dwight sits up abruptly] Dwight: Stop trying to figure me out. Robert: I just did. Dwight: You can’t. Robert: It’s done. Dwight: No, it’s not. Robert: I know you now, your nature. I’m done. Not worth continuing. [at the same time, Dwight says: You don’t know me! Anything about me! Get out of my head!] Dwight: Stop trying to figure me out. [Robert turns to ignore Dwight] Do you even know anything about paper? How it’s made? Robert: I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street. [nods at Dwight mockingly] Dwight: [standing up] Get out. Dwight: I’m gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No? That’s because I just threw it in the ring. Merv: You guys pay for relocation, though, right? Toby: Well, why would you need relocation, if you already live in Scranton? Merv: Well, I’d want to move further away, you know? Just--I don’t want any chance to run into my co-workers outside the office. Jim: Can I ask why you’re leaving your current job? Merv: [pulls out a Tupperware from his briefcase and takes out a Tupperware] I’m leaving my other job because they were all jerks, really. [opens Tupperware] You know, all of ’em. You had your jerk-wads, and your jerkoffs, so, just between the wads and the offs, I just--I had to get outta there. [begins eating sandwich] Jim: Is this a bad time to be doing this? Merv: I’m having a bad time. [chuckles] Toby: I’m sorry, if we did something to upset you, I’m sure it was inadvertent. Merv: [continues to chew, slower and slower, appears confused] Wait. Merv: Oh, why did I believe that weirdo in the lobby? These are the nicest people I ever met. Angela: [limo driver lets Angela out of the limo at the office parking lot] Thank you. Pam: [looking at an engagement ring on Angela’s finger] It’s gorgeous, Angela. Kelly: Yeah, I actually know about nice rings and it is gorgeous. Meredith: [looks at ring, whispering] Wow… Angela: It’s a little flashy. I mean, what am I? Naomi Judd? Meredith: Tell us the freaking story! Kevin: Yeah! Tell us a story. Angela: Okay. He took me to the replica of Monet’s Japanese bridge, and then he put this flower behind my ear, which normally, I would hate, ’cause it’s so civil rightsy. Then he got down on one knee, and he said, will you be a Senator’s wife? Pam: [laughing] Oh-ho-ho! He talked about himself in the third person? Angela: Yes, Pam. Not everyone is as informal as you and Jim. [imitating Jim’s voice] Oh, hey Pam, dude, whatever, wanna marry me? [Erin, Kelly, and Meredith laugh] Pam: That’s not accurate. Angela: Then I saw flashes. Reporters were there. They always find us. And everyone was crying, even his aide. [camera pans and shows Oscar in disbelief] Oscar: Angela’s engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I’m horrified. As a friend of Angela’s, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, [smiles] I’m a little excited. [expression becomes serious again] But overall, horrified. Jim: Andy? You all set? Andy: Okay, guys, it’s time. It’s pep talk time. Tell me what I need to hear. Phyllis: Are you sure this is a good idea? I hate to see you disappointed. Andy: [grunts] Augh. Erin: I think Andy should be the boss. He’s just so great. If I’m being objective, then Darryl, of course. Jim: So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager? Andy: For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here-- Gabe: Whoa! That’s a very heavy accusation to level against Toby. Andy: I wasn’t acc--accusing-- Gabe: Well, Toby’s in charge of Human Resources, that would include communication. I think that Toby’s done a fine job. Andy: Right! I really wasn’t trying to insult any, anyone. Toby: I didn’t think you were. Gabe: I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship, and I have a professional relationship. Personally, yeah, I think he’s a rat, and I think he’s responsible for the demise of my relationship with Erin. Professionally… he broke up the happiest couple in this office! Gabe: How many windows are there in New York City? Andy: What? Gabe: Critical thinking. Common, on-the-spot question asked in an interview. Andy: Okay. Let me think… are you counting car windows? Gabe: No… How far away is the Sun? Andy: [happily] Uh, 93 million miles. Jim: [to Gabe] Is it? Andy: Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles, which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth, and… [Gabe looks visibily annoyed] Andy: 333,000 times heavier than the Earth… Gabe: Shut up about the Sun! SHUT UP about the SUN! [Gabe slams fist, hurting his hand] Andy: [alone in his car] I am unhappy with the confusing and, at times, confrontational nature of that meeting. I wanted it to go better. I WANTED IT TO GO BETTER!! Darryl: [on phone] Yes, there used to be a paper clip that would pop up and say “Looks like you are writing a letter or resume. Would you like help? I believe his name was… [looks embarrassed at camera] Clippy. Creed: [on phone] First of all, I want to thank you for your years of patronising our company. I’ve got some bad news. We’re going out of business. [covers phone, whispers to Pam] Saving face. [uncovers phone] Yep, yep. I understand that. Basically, everything is falling apart here. Pam looks around the office and realises only she has overheard this] Pam: How is this on me? Pam: Hang up. [Creed hangs up] Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture. [shows Creed two similar-looking photos of some building] Intel has told us there were at least seven. Creed: [takes the pictures] Okay I already see one, gimme. Okay. Pam: They’re the same picture. Kelly: Well, I manage my department, and I’ve been doing that for several years now. And, God, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way. Jim: Your department’s just you, right? Kelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage. Gabe: Great! [to Jim and Toby] Um, can we just… [does a “wrap it up” motion with his pen] Kelly: What was that? Gabe: We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so… [nods] Kelly: [getting upset] Am I not a serious candidate? Gabe: What do you want me to say? I mean, there’s a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from England. [to Jim and Toby] Are we all just gonna pretend to– okay. [to Kelly] Um, what are your weaknesses? Kelly: I don’t have any, assh***. Dwight: [comes in, slapping some papers on the table] I want an interview. Dwight: [walking with Jim in the parking lot] How’s the family? Jim: Good! Dwight: Good. They good? Jim: Yeah. Dwight: What’s your daughter’s name again? Peepee? Jim: Peepa. Dwight: Peepa, how is she? Jim: Great. Dwight: Great! Oh, that’s great… We never were very good at small talk, were we, Jim? Jim: No. Dwight: Now, listen… Jim: You’re not getting an interview, Dwight. The whole point of this Search Committee process is to prevent hiring someone like you ever again. Dwight: Okay, I know why you’re saying that, Jim, I really do, but think of it this way. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat [motions to grip Jim’s throat] is the strong hand you want on the wheel. Jim: [pulls Dwight’s arm down] Okay. That’s vivid. Dwight: I’m going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview, I will guarantee you your dream work life. Okay? You roll in at 10 a.m. to your own private reserved parking spot, pick up your daily free coffee from Dwight’s Caffeine Corner, unlimited sex breaks for you and Pam… Jim: Yikes. Dwight: Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment. Jim: Well, you know how I like taking bribes. [both smile] Dwight: Ha ha! [pats Jim on the back] Jim: Unfortunately, Jo also took the job away from you because she doesn’t trust your judgment. So how would that look for me, if I recommended you? Dwight: Fine. I’ll do it without you, but you’ll regret this. Jim: Okay. Dwight: Let me get that for you. [runs ahead to open the door for Jim] Jim: Thank you. Dwight: Okay. [looks ashamed] Oscar: Pam… I think Robert is gay. Pam: The Senator? [Oscar nods] He was married before, and he has a kid. Oscar: [whispers] So!? Pam: And don’t say that thing about how lots of gay guys have kids. Oscar: I have a very strong suspicion. Pam: Did you see him at a bathhouse? Oscar: What bathhouse? Pam: The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins. Oscar: [confused, whispers] What? Pam: Forget it. I’m never gonna know what goes on there. Oscar: My friend at the Scranton Blade is totally plugged into these matters. Pam: You’re in the gay mafia. Oscar: You’re thinking of another group. Much wealthier, much older. [whispers, smiles] You sound ignorant. Ryan: You guys, um, talking Senator? Pam: No. Oscar: No. Why would we be talking about the Senator? Ryan: ‘Cause he’s totally gay? [walks away] Ryan: Um, how do I know that Robert is gay? He “liked” my Facebook photos at 3 o’clock in the morning. David Brent: [on video resume on a laptop] Name? David Brent. Occupation? Inspirer. Status? None of your business. Young, free, and single, though. Thanks for asking. Hear you’re looking for a new boss. Yeah? Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, underencouraged drones what to do every day. Is that it? Oh. Our out-of-touch powers that be? Want me to fire them, if they don’t see things your way? Then I ain’t that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law. What? You’ve changed your mind? You’re now looking for a leader of men? Ipso facto, women too. [points at self] When do I start? Yeah. [Jim looks uninterested in this candidate] Phyllis: Do you know what it took to get Bob to notice me? I waited in his office every morning wearing nothing but kitty-cat ears. I did that every day for two weeks. And on the tenth day he walked in, he was naked too, except a dog nose. Guess what we did then? Erin: [trying to cut off Phyllis] I… I don’t think I can do that. Phyllis: Bestiality. Yeah. Erin: Well, that’s not my personality. Phyllis: If my daughter were asking me… [both giggle] Erin: Yes? Phyllis: I would say, if you want someone, if you really want them… go get them. Erin: I do really want him. Darryl: So, uh… here you go. [Darryl gives his resume to Jim] Jim: Great. Darryl: Hope it’s all right. Jim: I’m sure it’s fine. Darryl: The guy who was in here earlier, interviewed after me, how’d he do? Jim: Howard Cline? Darryl: Ehh, that’s not who I’m talking about. Jim: [checks sheet] Oh… Deshaun Williams. Darryl: Yes. How did he do? Jim: He’s an amazing man. He’s a Rhodes Scholar. He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser… Darryl: Come on man. I’m being serious. Don’t joke. Jim: Darryl! We all know you. Your interview is not nearly as important as the other guys. [Darryl taps a couple times on Jim’s desk and walks away]