Spooked
Written By: Carrie Kemper Directed By: Randall Einhorn Transcribed By: Admin Andy: [looking at Angela’s costume] Approved! Andy: [claps] Chef from South Park, it’s genius! Stanley: Just some chef. Andy: I’ve decided to pre-screen all the Halloween costumes this year. I have three simple rules – don’t be offensive, don’t be cliché, and don’t take the first two rules too seriously. Kevin: The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Huh? The one who sacrifices his life. Andy: Whoa! Aw, spoiler alert. Kevin: It’s been out for ages, man. Andy: Costume vetoed. Andy: Ah, it’s, uh… somebody’s already called that. Phyllis: Who? Andy: Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow. Kelly: This is ridiculous! Why can’t there just be two Kate Middleton’s? Andy: Guys, I know, I mean, I wish there could be, too. It’s like, I can’t choose. They’re both amazing. It’s just… Kelly: Look, I stayed up all night and I watched that gd wedding, and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day. Meredith wasn’t even here. Meredith: Because I was there. [shows Kelly her cell phone video] Your the people’s princess! Diana was nothing! Andy: I thought you were at your sister’s funeral. Meredith: What I said was, "My sister’s funeral is this weekend." Didn’t say I’d be there. Meredith: Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids, doing it. Andy: Um, can I, maybe, squeeze through? Erin: Here you go. Andy: There you go. Thank you. Erin: When they talk about all the nice things about dating a coworker, they don’t mention one of the best parts. After you’re done dating, you still get to work together, every single day. Kevin: Jim, put it on. Darryl: Put it on, man. Jim: I don’t know if I can. Kevin: Come on, the Three Amigos. Darryl: Three Kings. Jim: Alright. Jim: I know, I know, I know. But Darryl and Kevin needed a third. They bought me this jersey. I said no. Kevin started crying. So, I am Chris Bosh. Ryan: [to Kelly] If you get into season 1, you can really… Kelly: [Dwight walks in] Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you? Dwight: It’s called a costume. Kelly: What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman? Dwight: Ryan, will you please tell her who I am? Ryan: Whoopi Goldberg. Dwight: Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from Starcraft? Queen of blades? It’s all Toby’s fault. Toby: Every Halloween I tell him the same thing – You can’t bring weapons into the office, and every year he says the same thing – As soon as I get my weapons back I’m gonna kill you. But there I am at Thanksgiving, alive, you know. I’m a lucky turkey. Andy: Everybody looking good, this is, this is the best we can do? I’m not judging, I, I think you guys look great, I just… wanna make sure this is the best we can do? Andy: I just got a text from Broccoli Rob – “Boo!” Scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California – “Looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high.” Scared the s**t out of me. Andy: G’day, Pameroo. Could you shoot this off for me? Pam: Yeah. Andy: Australian accent… Pam: [faxing, Erin watching over her shoulder] What are you doing? Erin: Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it, if you’re doing something I don’t. Pam: Oh. [sends fax, Erin nods] Are you… Erin: That Andy, so hot and cold. One day he’s like, fax these documents, please. The next he’s like, Pam, you fax them, who cares what Erin’s feeling, right? Pam: Oh, Erin… Erin: Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3? Pam: Um, 2? Erin: That’s like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear. Pam: No, I mean, you’re doing great, and Andy put you in charge of the whole party, right? Erin: Yeah… Pam: Yeah. Erin: Send completed. You are the best in the biz, I can’t deny. Phyllis: Bob and I are doing this Scranton Haunted Walking Tour. Oscar: I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing. Pam: Oh, hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub, tell the Man In Black I say hello. Oscar: [sigh] What happened, Pam? Pam: Okay. When I was 22, I worked there and everybody said the place was haunted. I didn’t believe it until one day before we opened, I look up into the mirror, you know, behind the bar, and I see this old man dressed all in black, but when I turn around, there’s no one there. So, I tell the cook my story… Phyllis: Wait, they have food there? Pam: And he said, "That’s what everyone sees, that’s the Man In Black". Jim: No! My wife does not believe in ghosts. Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey! Jim: Oh, this Man In Black thing, what do you think that was about? Pam: What do you mean? Jim: Was it, like, trickery in the lights, or maybe you were so primed to see it, then there it was? Pam: I saw a ghost. Jim: Mmhmm. No, but what I’m saying is, like, do you ever wonder what it was? Pam: It was a ghost, I told you this on, like, our first date. Jim: Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the Blue Angels. I figured you had to top it. Pam: I don’t know what to tell you, Jim, but I saw a ghost. Andy: Hey! Uh-oh, looks like we’re under a Jack attack! Robert: Yes, Andrew. And you, on this day of fantasy, are a laborer. Andy: Yes. Robert: Everyone, this Bert, my son. Bert, this is… a paper company. [everyone greets Bert] Bert: Hello. Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane. Robert: Here, use this one. [walking to Jim’s desk] [Jim shakes his head “no”, Andy motions to him to “shh”] Robert: Oh, look, Pin The Wart On The Wench. How did you know I was bringing my son? Erin: Oh, I didn’t. It was for us, but he can play. Bertie-boy, would you like to play this game? Bert: That stuff’s for babies. Robert: Well, perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us. Andy: Wow, who shot our grown-up party with a kiddie raygun? We’re still getting it set up, it’s gonna be really cool. Robert: [laughing] Extraordinary. Did you plan this? Kelly: Well, Toby and I did, yeah. Gabe: And I overheard, and thought, hey, that’d be fun, don’t mind if I do. Toby: If you turn out the lights we’ll do a little dance. Kelly: 1, 2, 3! Gabe/Kelly/Toby: [singing and dancing] Dem bones, dem bones, dem tired bones, now we’re the skeleton crew. Robert: [laughing and clapping] Delightful. Kelly: Thank you. [Gabe mumbles] Robert: Now then, how are we today? Kelly: Fine. Toby: Great. Robert: Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright? Kelly: Mmhmm. Robert: You feeling fulfilled in your life? Kelly: I guess. Robert: You guess? So, there is something you want that you do not have. Kelly: I try not to think about it. Robert: Because it’s too terrifying to imagine. Now we’re cooking. What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours? Kelly: Never marrying. Robert: Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby? Toby: So great. [Angela takes the pumpkin decoration off of the window] Erin: Oh, I put those up. Angela: I know. I’m taking them down. Phyllis: I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall is more Halloween-y. Erin: I don’t know about this, guys, Andy put me in charge of the Halloween party, so… Angela: Well, Andy sent us in here, so which is it? Erin: Oh. Angela: So, can we speak our minds now, or are we still sparing feelings, because I hate all of this. Bert: Very low pressure in the Sargasso Sea, warm air from South America, cold air from Greenland. All signs point to the perfect storm. Dwight: Yeah, perfectly mediocre. Bert: What are you, anyway? Dwight: I’m a Jamaican zombie woman, leave me alone, ghoul. Bert: If you had some really big wings with blades on the end, you’d kind of look like Kerrigan from Starcraft. Dwight: Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! I’ve been censored. Bert: If you’re going to be a Zerg, at least be a Lurker, not some girl. Dwight: Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm! Bert: Yeah, she also has boobs. Dwight: Yeah, but no nipples. Erin: Hey. Andy: Hey. What’s up? Erin: November’s sure creeping up, ain’t it? Can’t stop that month! Andy: Yeah… Erin: Hey, what’s the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party, you know? Andy: Um, I just thought you could use some help, you know, because Robert came in and thought the party seemed a little kiddie, and I guess I agreed, and maybe we could mix a little more 13 into the PG. Erin: But that’s it? There’s nothing about me, or I? Andy: Can we talk about it at the end of the day? I gotta call, gotta make a call. Erin: Oh, yeah, sorry. Yes, we can. Andy: [pretending to be on the phone] Yes. [laughs] I don’t know. Mm-hmm. Erin: Gabe? Gabe: Sweetheart. Erin: I'm throwing the Halloween Party and I just want to amp it up a little. I think it could use some extra pizazz. Gabe: Ok where does Gabe factor in? Erin: Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in and I didn't stop crying? Gabe: Yes. Lars and Decocco's Erin: Ok. Let's say that I wanted this party to be a tiny, tiny bit like that one. Just... more adult... more... scary and sexy Gabe: I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine. Erin: No... just scary. If we wanted ideas for scary stuff. Gabe: [laughs, eventually Erin joins him laughing] Oh that would be scary! Erin: What are you thinking? Gabe: Ok let me go get it. Pam: [answers phone] Pam Halpert. Jim: Hey it's Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight. Because I’ve read a lot about this really great documentary. Pam: Is it called Ghostbusters? Jim: [laughs] It's called Ghostbusters. Pam: It didn't look like that. Jim: It didn't have a buster sign around him? Why don't you draw him? Why don't we see this whole thing. Pam: Ok fine I'll draw him. [hangs up phone and draws] Jim: I ain't afraid of no ghost. [Pam holds up drawing of a hand with the middle finger raised] Whoa! Pam: Mmhmm. Dwight are you eating a stick? Dwight: It's a root you idiot. Bert: Everyone hates you. Dwight: That's really rude. I don't tell you hurricanes suck even though it's true. Bert: What do you like? Tornadoes? Dwight: Try influenza. Bert: Oh yeah? What's the vaccine you can take to avoid a hurricane? Dwight: Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricane's coming. I suppose you're going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark? Bert: Try a box jelly fish. Jim: You know that... Robert: What are we talking about? Jim: I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate and Meredith said she believes in them too. Robert: [to Kevin] You seem unimpressed. Ghosts don't scare you? Kevin: I'm only scared of real things like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that don't exist like ghosts or mummies. Oscar: Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums. Kevin: Yeah [nervously] ... prank Robert: It's true. They've been preserved for thousands of years. They're all over. Kevin: [screaming] Why on Earth would a museum put a mummy in it?!? Erin: Witches brew? Erin: I grew this party up real fast. Get out of here little kid party. Nobody loves you. And clean up your room! Grownups are going to use it later! Oooh! Jim: Party looks fun doesn't it? Everybody seems to be in there having a great time. So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer. Bert: I'm using it. I'm about to play Starcraft with him [points to Dwight]. Jim: [to Dwight] Are you serious? Dwight: Yeah I'm serious. Jim: That's funny. Ok. Dwight: Loser. Bert: Yeah. Angela: Pam do you think anyone's going to notice I've worn this costume before? When I wasn't pregnant. You know I bet nobody would believe it still fits. Oscar: Hey guys. I'm an Oscar [gestures to face] liar [gestures to nametag saying "Representative Weiner"] weiner. Ryan: Oh my god! Darryl: This party's tight. The fog is cool. Erin: Thanks. It's on medium. Darryl: Perfect. Andy: It really looks great. You did a great job. Erin: Oh, so we don't have to have that talk. Andy: We should still have that talk. Maybe you can come by my office at like 4:45? [Erin nods] Cool. Erin: [in ghostly voice] Oookayyy everybody. Be prepared to be scared. Ok. [hits play on DVD player, "Do yes disturb meditations of horror" appears on screen, Gabe winks at Erin, on screen food deflates, a mouse crawls across a photograph of a woman, a person brushes very dirty teeth] Gabe: The cinema of the unsettling is a growing film movement. The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot of a squirrel with diarrhea. Oscar: [cuts back to a Happy Birthday cake gushing blood when cut into, a doll melts, a woman eats food and puckers her face] Is that my grandmother? Andy: What's the story? Oscar: There is no story. Gabe: Yeah it seems like there isn't a narrative. [on screen a man gets into a car] Maybe the filmmaker realised that even narrative is comforting. Stanley: What the hell is going on here? Andy: I think we've seen enough. You can turn it off now. [everyone murmurs agreement] Yeah turn it off now. Stanley: How did you get in my car? Oscar: Where is this from? That is so upsetting! Andy: That was awful. Robert I apologise. Erin: I'm sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult. But I think I know what to do now [grabs box]. This game is called "pecker Poker". [fighting tears] It's the game of cards that gets you hard. Andy: What we have here is a classic misunderstanding. Robert: Why didn't you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. You're obviously very close. [Andy and Erin look awkwardly at each other and Robert]. Oh I see. This no longer seems like my business [Robert sits]. Erin: All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me and I got nervous so... Robert: You were going to talk at the end of the... I'm not here. Andy: Did you think I was going to fire you? No I wasn't. [to Robert] I'm sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you. Robert: I'm never uncomfortable. Andy: Ok. Erin I think you know I've been dating someone. Erin: Sure. Andy: And it's getting a little more serious. She's never come by. Erin: And she's never called here. Unless it's your mom. Andy: No I didn't want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now it's weird that she's not calling. Erin: Two dates? Three dates? Andy: Thirty-one. Erin: Wow. I'm so happy for you guys. Um let me know when you get to forty. I'll see you guys. Robert: I should go. Darryl: I just don’t get it, Pam. I mean, you’re a rational person. Jim: [whispering] Thank you. Pam: Jim doesn’t let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs. How is this any less logical? Jim: Careful, whoa. First of all, it’s not like I think that’s going to help the Eagles win. Pam: Really. Jim: No. That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the Eagles will hear about and want to play better. It’s not… Kevin: Exactly. Jim: Thank you. Dwight: Go, get up there right now. Bert: Got it. Darryl: Dwight? Dwight: You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call, B. Bert: Unleash the hellstorm. Darryl: Dwight. Dwight: [laughs] Nice. Darryl: Dwight! Dwight: Got ’em. Go! Phyllis: Is she Asian? Erin: I don’t know. She’s from somewhere, I bet. Maybe from the forest. Phyllis: Forest? Did Andy say his girlfriend’s from the forest? Erin: I don’t know, Phyllis. Maybe she’s from the city. Phyllis: Hmm. Robert: Looks terribly real, doesn’t it, Creed? Creed: No… Robert: Are you scared of snakes? Creed: You don’t live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby. Darryl: [in the bathroom with Robert[ Yeah, I guess sometimes I have nightmares about being buried alive. Meredith: [talking to Robert] Honestly, Jim gives me the creeps. Robert: [to camera] What am I up to? Jim: Like, a few years down the road, Cece says, “Mom, there’s a ghost in my closet.” Now, you say one of two things – one, “You’re just having a bad dream,” or two, “Let’s go see what it was.” Pam: I’m not gonna freak her out, Jim. Jim: Ok. Pam: I’m not gonna lie to her, either. Jim: Oh, come on! Robert: When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family’s. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. [hisses] She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby’s crib, was a snake wrapped around baby’s neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. Creed: Oh my goodness. Robert: The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby, for they were mummies. Kevin: Nooo! Robert: Amongst them was a man, tall, slim. Meredith: Jim. [rolls eyes] Robert: Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband. “Oh, wait,” she thought, “I don’t have a husband.” For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn’t get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Everytime she wanted to act and didn’t, another part of her face hardened, until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, “Baby, are you okay?” Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, “I’m fine, b!tch, I’m fine.” Bert: [laughs] Robert: Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It’s funny, isn’t it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear. Bert: Toby? Toby: Oh, hey, Bert. Wanna see the dance? Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry… Bert: You’re fired. Toby: Bones. What? Bert: You heard me. Pack your things. Toby: What… you can’t… Gabe? Are you… Bert: I’m the CEO’s son. Pack your things. You’re done.